Chapter 10 Craze

Navi reaches for me, runs a finger over my digibadge, and laughs once but in a sad way. It's warm?

Is yours not?

When I reach to move her collar aside, she clutches her cloak over her chest. I don't understand why she hides from me.

I'm burning up with remorse for my impulsiveness. So I try a different tactic and turn back toward the fire. There's nothing wrong with being Titan down here.

What about human? She asks.

Same. We will do what we can for your humans. But sometime, I'd like to know how you found them. We have word there are more.

"Many." Thousands .

I stall.

"Where?" Axe asks.

She slowly returns to the group. "A few Contessa vessels still in operation from the origin wars, Marst, Vessna, and other motherships, even Corenge Battledaggers. Every new subject on Sevrin's ship had stories. I only know from listening in on the Solcrue communications. But the worst part is I'm not sure we can ever find them all."

I look down at the rations my Brothers hand out to the females and feel they are massively insufficient. Perhaps a hunt will get Pellucid off of my mind. Maybe it will show her I am sorry for my actions that made her so uncomfortable and that even if I am an unruly unit in battle, I can still function within some parameters.

RamBash hangs his head over a motionless woman with a bandaged leg. Siam told me her name when we were on the hoverdrone. Shavih sleeps quietly not far away. Jeela watches from her place beside Shavih. The others either rest or are unaware.

Pellucid walks to the woman and sits down beside her. Not another one.

RamBash leans back and scratches his head. They are so malnutritioned. They do not have the energy reserves to heal from this much damage.

Pellucid curls around Siom, hugs her, and cries.

Titans have emotional control programs in place to hinder such responses. I do not understand why she displays such feelings unless she is broken like me. It would be nice to not be alone for a change, but I'm more concerned with Pellucid's condition.

CrazePellucid: Why do you display such emotions? Are you damaged?

Pellucid's face reddens as she shouts, "Because this is my fault!" She raps a fist against her chest. "I made the plan. I opened the doors. I just didn't know Tav's soldiers would be there or that they'd be so heavily armed!"

Shavih wakes up, pushes up, and crawls to her. "Navillera, don't do this to yourself."

Navillera. So that is your name?

Navi clutches her head and growls. "And this shit in my brain is driving me insane! It doesn't give me power that's worth a damn or let me sleep without a fucking migraine!"

"You are damaged, Pellucid?" Axe asks.

Her eyes brighten and flicker in a way I've not seen a Titan's do, with the exception of Holo when he would render three-dimensional videos for us.

"I'm not fucking damaged ! I'm wrecked inside because I wasn't smart enough to figure out how to save everyone! They were looking to me for hope, for safety, for an escape!"

Her local code vanishes from our com network, and I know she's switched off.

Her words about others counting on her remind me of the teams that died in my wake, the soldiers like Ranger who accepted their fates because it was our design.

I shift between my feet on the opposite side of the fire as Pellucid, wondering how many times I could have saved my Brothers and still finished the job.

I should've gone back for them. But it isn't easy to fight through a room filled with the enemy into a ship only to look back and realize everything I just ran through has been ripped off of the ship, and I'm alone, staring out at space. So many times it has happened that I've made it through, turned around, and there is nothing to go back to.

I think the only way I can keep everyone with me is to never let go again.

Shavih sits up and guides Navi into her lap. Then she glares at all of us. "Please stop talking to her in your heads. She isn't used to it."

"But she's a Titan," Tangle points out.

Shavih snorts. "We were all human when we were first dragged onto Sevrin's ship. Aeri didn't ask for metal to replace her bones or Mina with her hearing augments."

"We were human before we were made into Titans," Macabre offers.

Shavih glares at him with a fierceness that makes my most menacing Brother shift like he's uncomfortable. "She may have a neural network jammed in her brain that resonates with you, but she has a human body—a meat processor like I've heard your kind call it.

"You don't like our kind, do you?" Macabre challenges.

She huffs and then strokes Navi's hair like I want to. "Your kind can be corrupted. I met one on Vessna . You can thank Sevrin for that tech. Know it comes from the messed up little mind games he put women like Navi through."

"Are there others like her?" I ask.

Shavih shakes her head. "Navi is the only one who has survived all of the stages, including the ocular implants. Now she has a splay. Something ancient from Earth."

"Pellucid model," Navi whispers. "Everyone else is dead. There are no more splays until Sevrin figures out how to make more. He needs mine to do that."

Macabre joins me, his back to the group.

MacabreCraze: I'm going to cool off in the dark. But I think we need to consider blowing up some shit before this gets out of hand.

CrazeMacabre: You know I'm always on board, boss.

He nods, stalks off, and posts up by an entrance to our den.

Axe nervously walks off to guard another, leaving RamBash and Tangle to finish food prep. I can't do much, but I grab a cup and fill it with water, then set it down beside Shavih. "I haven't met a human who was on our network. We didn't know."

She takes the cup and eyes it. "Well, now you do. Just give us some time to figure things out. Some of us haven't been free in four years or more."

My ultro stutters as I study Navi's scrunched face and the desperate way she claws at her head. I want to help her. I don't want her to hate what she is because it is partly what we are. I want to believe we are good and that humans still value us.

She is a feat of engineering, but also forbidden from me because she is human.

My insides feel like they're ripping apart. I cannot even consider claiming her as a mate now. And yet my urges are no different. If anything, they're stronger than before I knew what she was because I know what she's endured to become like us.

Navi may not be a soldier, but she stood between the enemy and the innocent. She has the heart of a Titan.

I have to protect her.

She might be the most important connection we have to our ancestors, to our Creators. She can bridge the gap and save us like Cara. Or she could use us and sell us out like the augmented CSP soldiers. I don't get the feeling she'll do that, but we aren't helping her by pushing her to be a Titan when she isn't one.

But she felt like one, Tangle admits.

I realize I'm thinking openly and switch off.

Tangle looks at me and throws his hands in the air. "Moody."

I can't stand the idea of feeding Navi rations. I want to give her the best I can offer.

I collect my survival backpack and storm past Axe.

"Where are you going?"

"They need food."

"What's wrong with ours?" he asks.

I stop and face him. "We are machines. They are not. They need fresh meat, especially with the healing they have to do. Protein, iron, fats. Don't you have your human rescue programs pulled up?"

"No, you seemed to be handling that just fine," he teases. "It's dark tonight, no moon. You should stay close. Patrols will be heavy."

I turn away. "I will hunt in the tunnels." And it is my prey that should worry because I am burning with desire for Navi and with a need to take out every single living thing that ever laid a hand on her.

She faced her death head on, fought for her friends, and endured horrible agony to acquire the technology she has if the only memory I have of being Created is anything similar.

I cringe at the clicking and snapping sounds from that flashback, the blades of pain that cut into the folds of my brain, making my body tremble and my insides scream. And then, somehow, I was no longer human, not flesh but synth.

I'm certain Navi has felt such agony and emptiness. It is uncomfortable to leave that stage of life behind, to know I will never be human again. The Creators made us immortal as long as our cores aren't damaged. But seeing Navi struggling makes me wonder if death would be easier. Perhaps I should not pity the deceased. They are spared from further pain.

As I draw my rifle to hunt the tunnels for welvirs, I consider the strength it takes for a soul to survive such a transformation, even a piece of it. Units like Poppy are rare. Navi made it through and maintained her sanity, something all Titans value and respect.

I just hope the others aren't as interested in her as I am.

Just thinking about her crushed beneath me on the hoverdrone has me getting hard again. And as I think back to her fighting to save her friends and the first time I saw her face beneath her hood—her love for her sisters, not just her hatred of Solcrue—I let go of every plan. All I knew was that I had found her.

A revelation comes to me. That's what has to change. We have forgotten to enjoy each other on our journey to freedom. It's more than simply working together, planning, and action.

A growl in an adjacent tunnel makes me flick the gun's igniter on with a thumb. From a strap on my pack, I draw the zembi.

As the sword ignites, I get a good look at the eyes of the towering welvir with teeth as long as my fingers.

"Ooh, you're a big boy." I grin, spin the sword into ready position, and block out my concern that he might actually be too strong for me. "We've both got families to feed. So who's it going to be? You or me?"