Chapter 16

SIXTEEN

ALEXA

“Alexa, I’m sorry. This is all my fault.”

Beau sits next to me, squeezing my hand while Mom steps out to grab some breakfast. I suggested she go home to shower and change, which she gladly agreed to. It’s one thing to sleep in a hospital chair and another to sleep in it with yesterday’s clothes.

“It’s not your fault, okay? It was time for him to come.”

“Really? Because Millie said, the shock of the accident made you go into early labor.”

There are dark circles around Beau’s eyes from the lack of sleep and constant worry over what happened. He’s dressed in a black tee and jeans, and if I’m not mistaken, he looks extra cut up in the arms, like he’s been hitting the gym non-stop. Probably to impress all the women waiting at his door. Don’t get all jealous now. Your hormones are so fucked up.

But, I’ll admit, I was terrified.

Opening my eyes to see my car against the tree, combined with the pain coming from my lower body, I knew I needed to call for help or I was in big trouble. In my state of panic, I called Dad because he’s the strongest person I know and would get me the help I needed.

Dad finding me was a miracle in itself. The rest of what happened is now a giant blur. I don’t remember pushing the baby or even him coming out. All I remember is how I felt when Dad placed him in my arms—complete.

“You need rest,” I tell him softly, relishing in his touch as he continues to hold my hand. I missed him so much, not realizing how much until right now.

“No, I need to be with you. I need to make sure you’re okay.”

“Still stubborn, Romano,” I tease.

“No teasing.” He manages to grin. “You might strain a muscle or something.”

I glance over and stare at my son. It’s still so surreal to call him my son. I’d heard of people, mainly my sisters, telling me once you hold your own baby, your whole life changes. I had no clue what they meant until it happened to me.

Everything about him is perfect. His ten tiny fingers to his ten tiny toes. The bunch of brown hair on his head makes him look like he’s wearing a toupee. The way his nose is like a little button on top of his perfect little lips. He’s way too cute and perfect.

And then, his name—Elijah Edwards.

Before I told anyone his name, I made sure to ask Aunt Adriana and Andy if they were okay with it.

Aunt Adriana rocks the baby back and forth while Andy stands beside her with a smile.

“I need another one of these,” Andy mentions softly.

“Please. Don’t stop at one more. Go football team size,” Aunt Adriana suggests.

“Mom, you have Luna and Willow to harass. I’ll give you at least one more, but that’s probably it.”

“Such a party pooper.” She pouts. “I’ll just spoil this little one until he finds me annoying and avoids me.”

“Um, speaking of which,” I begin with, clearing my throat because I’m suddenly nervous. “I wanted to ask for your permission, but I understand if you don’t want me to, so no pressure. I’d love to name him Elijah.”

Aunt Adriana stops rocking him, then slowly shifts her gaze onto me with glassy eyes. “It’s perfect.”

“Yeah,” Andy joins in with a big grin. “A great way to honor my dad.”

“But, what if you have a son? And want the name?”

“This guy right here is the perfect Elijah. Besides, there’s no Elijah Edwards, so why not he be the first.”

“Are you guys sure?”

A tear falls down Aunt Adriana’s cheek. “We are so sure, sweetie.”

Elijah begins to fuss inside his crib, which sounds like an ‘I’m hungry’ cry. I lift him up and gently rock him before remembering how to latch him on properly. The nurse spent an hour with me last night, which resulted in me crying because I struggled with the task.

“Should I turn around for this, or what?”

“Breastfeeding is a natural part of life,” I remind him. “But yes, please do until I figure out how to latch him on. You don’t want to see what’s happening with my nipples.”

Beau sinks into his chair, pulling his Yankees cap over his eyes. “Does it hurt?”

“It’s not pleasant. It’s weird. I’m sure I just need to get used to it.”

“So, does the milk just come out all the time?”

“According to the nurse, my milk hasn’t officially come in. Elijah is drinking colostrum. Ava said when it comes in, it’s a real bitch.”

He lets out a long whistle. “I never realized how much women go through.”

“Yeah, maybe it’s something to think about every time your penis wants playtime with a vagina.”

“Nice way to put it,” he mocks.

Elijah finally latches and begins to drink. Mom returns not long after and sends Beau home to shower and sleep. Apparently, he is staying with Will and Millie until he flies back home in a week’s time. The thought of him leaving stirs a sadness within me, but I try not to dwell on it knowing I have this new life to navigate through, and Beau has his own life too.

The doctor finally discharges me two days later, and thank God, because the hospital was driving me insane. It’s so hard to rest in the uncomfortable beds to the constant noise and beeps. The food was abysmal.

On the day we go home, Dad makes sure the car seat is properly secured in the back of the new Range Rover he bought me. Of course, I argued I didn’t need an expensive new car, but let’s face it, my old car was totaled, and there was no getting it back.

Still, Dad didn’t have to go all out but try arguing with a billionaire. There’s no point, and I just waste my breath.

The funny thing is how slow he drives home when we are sitting in the back. I’ve never seen him drive so slowly or focused.

When we finally get home, I breathe with relief. My bedroom is like heaven. I missed my pillow, and sheets, even just my bathroom, which I can use without some nurse asking if I need help.

On the very first night, I expect to have the best sleep.

Elijah has other ideas.

I rock him in my arms, but he appears to be unsettled. Scared to wake up Mom and Dad, I try feeding him, but my breasts are absolutely killing me. The pain is so unbearable I begin to cry. The moment I start to cry so does Elijah.

Mom enters my room with a yawn. “Honey, do you need help?”

“I’m the worst mother ever,” I confess through a cry. “He won’t settle, and my breasts are hurting so much.”

“It’s okay, Alexa. Your milk has come through, so we’ll grab some cold cabbage leaves from the refrigerator to help with the pain. As for this little one, we can feed him some formula to give your breasts a break.”

“Will he get sick having formula?”

“Of course not.” Mom smiles. “It’s perfectly safe for him. Right now, we need to take care of you.”

Mom carries him downstairs and returns with a bottle, plus cabbage leaves. How she manages to do all this at 2 A.M. and still be wide awake is beyond me.

I lay on the bed and place the cabbage leaves on. Almost instantly, I feel relieved enough to be able to close my eyes.

When I wake in the morning, I’m still in the same position. Only Elijah is fast asleep in his bassinet beside me. I peek inside, watching his little face sleep so peacefully.

My whole body is aching like I’ve run a marathon. I opt for a quick shower in case he wakes up. When I’m finished, I put on my feeding bra and the pads since my milk is out of control. Just getting out of the shower, they began leaking everywhere.

The outfit I choose is a pair of shorts, a tank, and sneakers, given it’s hot out. My hair has grown and annoys me, so I throw it up into a bun just so it’s off my skin.

When I’m done, Elijah begins to stir. It takes me another hour to feed, burp, and change his diaper. Then, I put him into a cute onesie, only to hear him take another dump.

“Great, buddy,” I mutter.

Once again, I remove the onesie and begin changing him, only for him to pee straight into the air and all over me. His little move causes me to gasp.

“What the hell, dude?”

With a groan, I take everything off him and place another diaper on, plus a new onesie since some pee landed on him too. Then, I change into another outfit since I was also caught in the massacre of pee.

Finally, we make our way downstairs so I can have some breakfast.

“Morning, honey,” Mom calls softly. “Why don’t you pass him to me so you can eat?”

I gladly welcome the help and dive straight into the bacon and eggs Mom cooked. Just because I’m starving, I take a bagel too and some fruit.

“Mom, how did you do this?” I question her. “And four times? I’m so exhausted, and getting downstairs was such a challenge.”

“Trust me, Alexa. I was just like you when Millie was born. Granted, your dad was amazing. I was a mess all the time.”

My eyes fall upon my plate, the heaviness weighing in my chest again.

“So, I guess having the dad around feels different?”

Mom lifts her head to meet my gaze. Just as she is about to open her mouth, there’s a knock on the back door. Mom walks over and opens it to find Beau on the other side.

I find my stare lingering on his arms again, wondering why I’m always fixating on them. Just admit they look good and call it a day. Beneath the table, I press my thighs shut to control the stir.

“There’s my main man.” He grins, taking Elijah from Mom. “Did he grow overnight?”

“Maybe. You missed the pee show this morning.”

Beau cocks his head with a smirk. “Pee show?”

“Yeah. Apparently, boys like to pee when the diaper comes off. As someone who has lived with sisters, this is very new to me.”

He laughs, then leans in and rubs his nose against Elijah. The simple thing makes my heart swell. Beau is amazing with Elijah, a natural, like he was born to be a father.

“Boys and their penises… the drama,” Beau muses.

“I remember when you were a baby,” Mom begins with a laugh. “You peed on me.”

“Sorry, Charlie.” Beau chuckles as I join them. “I guess it is a boy thing.”

“Have you eaten, Beau? Come sit down and have something,” Mom offers.

“I did eat dinosaur-shaped cereal. Archer was refusing to eat today. Will was annoyed, and so was Millie. They didn’t sleep well last night because Ashton threw up. Millie was complaining when they got home from a birthday party that Ashton had way too much cotton candy. Let’s just say his bed was covered in all pink.”

“Is this what I have to look forward to?”

Beau lowers his gaze onto Elijah, then gently strokes his hair. I watch him at ease with Elijah, wondering if Hunter would be the same. The unwanted thoughts cause me to shake my head. Don’t start this. It’s a slippery slope to caving altogether.

“I’m going to be home today working in my office,” Mom informs me. “If you need anything, please come get me.”

“I’ll take care of her, Charlie. We’re going to go for a walk to the park to get some fresh air.”

Mom watches us with a smile. “Enjoy your walk.”

“It’s so smoggy in LA. Are you sure it’s the best place to raise a kid?” Beau questions while staring into the sky.

“I was raised here, and I turned out fine.”

“That’s debatable.”

I punch his arm softly. “This is nice.”

We sit down on the bench as Elijah sleeps in his pram. The simplest things bring me so much joy now, like sitting here in the park with my best friend.

“Last night was hard. Thank God Mom woke up and helped me. I don’t know how I would have done it alone.”

“You would have just done it, Alexa. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

“Maybe,” I say wistfully. “It’s just that I’ve been thinking. Elijah will grow up so fast and…”

“And what?”

“And it just feels like maybe I’m allowing my emotions to make decisions rather than what is right for my son.”

Beau’s unmoving stance is evident as his gaze fixates on the children playing with the play equipment, void of any other expression. His melancholy silence warns me to broach this subject with care.

“Beau, please listen to me. I was angry at Hunter, okay? But I don’t think it’s fair he misses out on knowing or meeting his son. He will never get this moment back, and the more I think of robbing him of this time, the more guilt I feel.”

The silence is deafening. I try to coerce him to say anything at all, but his eerie silence speaks a thousand words.

“Why won’t you talk to me?” I beg of him.

“What would you like me to say?” he asks in a low and somber voice. “You want my approval? Blessing? You know my opinion on this. It won’t change. But hey, it’s your life and your kid, so I guess you do what you want.”

I’m sick or arguing over this, and with my hormones all over the place, I refrain from crying because that’s all I want to do right now. The harder I try to hold back my emotions, the more my breasts begin to hurt. What the hell is up with that?

“We need to head back. Either Elijah needs to wake up and feed, or I need to pump.”

It’s only a ten-minute walk back to the house. When we reach the front door, Beau still hasn’t said a word.

“Please don’t hate me for wanting to do this,” I say just above a whisper.

Beau runs his hand through his mousy brown hair but refuses to look at me.

“Do what you need to do.”

“Tomorrow, I will go to see him,” I mention cautiously. “I’ll call you afterward.”

He drops his gaze to the floor, shoving his hands into his jeans pocket. I ache to touch him but know it’s not the right time. It will only anger him.

“Sure,” is all he says before he walks to his car and drives off.

I stand at the door, alone with my baby, wondering why doing the right thing is hurting my best friend so much. I need Beau’s support, his encouragement to get through this. Telling Hunter will be the hardest of all the people I’ve had to tell, and that includes Dad.

Just like ripping a band-aid off, the faster I do it, the less pain I’ll feel.

But maybe, the wound is deeper than I imagine.

After all, this is a man I once believed I fell in love with.

And once I tell him the truth, there’s no turning back.