Chapter 4

FOUR

“Damn, you’re old.”

Ava raises a toast as the rest of my family follows. Given I’m not allowed to drink legally, the mocktail is at least pretty in color, with strawberries floating on top and cotton candy hovering to the side. It’s sweet and lacks the main ingredient called alcohol.

“You wish you were still eighteen,” I counter with a grin, taking a small sip to avoid a sugar rush. “You’re old.”

My family is known to throw extravagant parties when it comes to big milestones. Correction, I say my family when I mean Ava. With everything happening of late, I begged her not to throw a party. I’m just not in the mood. It was only last week I broke up with Cole, and it’s been harder than I thought to be single again. Maybe it’s because we share some classes or because our lockers are right next to each other. He knew I hated cafeteria food, so he would make sure he brought me food I would actually eat.

It’s just the small things that all became one big thing. I relied on him for so long, not even realizing just how much. Not having a safety net of a boyfriend feels very lonesome.

I thought I was doing better yesterday until Krissy, another senior, made sure to throw herself all over Cole at his locker. It’s not like he kissed her, but he didn’t stop her either when she ran her hands inside his jacket.

It was enough to make me turn around, exit the building in a rush, and cry to myself inside my car in the parking lot, where no one could hear me. Then, I had to go home, deal with my parents, and pretend everything was okay.

As for turning eighteen, I gave Ava strict instructions on a small, intimate dinner. It ended up being just my sisters and parents. Will was stuck in Boston after the airport was shut down a few hours ago because of some gas leak. Austin got called into an emergency at the hospital. Addy’s fiancé, Masen, sprained his ankle playing football with his brother yesterday and is on crutches. He offered to come, but I suggested he stay home, given that planes and crutches aren’t the best of combinations.

Thankfully, Millie and Ava organized babysitters because their kids are too crazy. It’s like a damn zoo every time they’re all together, the noise combined with the constant running around. If it’s not that, it’s the questions and stupid facts about games or kids’ stuff I don’t care about.

“Now, girls,” Dad intervenes with his whisky in hand. “If anyone’s old, it’s me.”

Millie places her hand on Dad’s shoulder as Mom hides her smile behind her napkin. I’m admiring her white blazer with the large gold buttons. She’s wearing it with a black-laced bodysuit underneath and high-waisted jeans. Of all us sisters, Ava is exactly my size which is why I raid her wardrobe often. Millie has a different style, though I have to admit she’s beautiful and call pull anything off. We joke she has curves in the right places but learned our lesson not to say that in front of Will anymore without it turning into something dirty.

“According to the internet and the many social media accounts dedicated to you,” Ava continues while trying to hold back her laughter, “age ain’t nothing but a number.”

Addy shakes her head in disgust. “It should be age ain’t nothing but a bank account. The mentality of young girls these days astounds me.”

“You mean the whole hooking up with an older man?” Ava questions and then digs her fork into the salad she’s eating. “I mean, what’s really considered too old?”

“Hmm, it depends where you are in life, I guess,” Mom adds, raising her cocktail glass which appears almost empty. This better not be one of those times when she gets drunk or I’m wearing my headphones because hearing her giggle in the bedroom is just traumatizing.

“Okay, well, I think ten years is safe,” Millie says.

“Of course, you have to say that.” Ava purses her lips before rolling her eyes. “Will is ten years older than you.”

Millie juts her chin with a dismissive glance. “And? I’m just saying it’s normal these days.”

This conversation is grossing me out. Older men? I could barely manage someone my own age. An older man would be demanding in the bedroom, or maybe that’s all men.

“I have a client who is sixty-seven, and he’s married to a twenty-five-year-old,” Addy tells us.

“Ew,” I say in unison with Ava. “That’s gross.”

“Maybe they love each other,” Millie suggests but then shakes her head. “Okay, but how old does he look? If he looks like he’s in his forties, then it’s not bad. Does he need help walking?”

“Can he even get it up?” Ava asks.

Dad bows his head and then covers his face with his hands. “Ava, do you have to?”

“Sorry, Dad, but Viagra can only get you so far. I’m not saying all old men need it, but…” Ava’s eyes widen then she chases down a glass of wine. “God, someone save me now…”

“Girls.” Mom chuckles softly. “Love is love or sex is sex. Depends on what’s important to you. Now, can we get back to celebrating my baby’s birthday?”

The cake coming out is a welcoming distraction from Ava veering onto Viagra talk in front of Dad. Everyone sings happy birthday before I’m requested to make a wish.

A wish, huh?

I wish for a new life. To be happy doing what I want to do without living up to everyone’s expectations.

But of all the wishes I could wish for at this moment, it’s to make all the nightmares disappear.

The candles burn bright before I lean forward and blow them out one by one. My family all clap with a cheer, and as I glance at everyone at the table, I wonder how being part of this family can be a blessing and burden all at the same time.

Millie and Ava are the first to leave since they have babysitters at home and need to get back early. Ava promises me a shopping day out which is hit or miss depending on her mood. Sometimes, her taste is on point. Other times, I wonder what the hell she thinks about making me try on some old lady dress. It ends up with us arguing, which is why we always take separate cars.

Addy is flying back home tomorrow, so I welcome her stay since it was just me and her living with my parents for the longest of times.

Back at home, as predicted, Mom did drink too much. She starts giggling, her steps wobbly as she attempts the stairs. Dad wraps his hand around her waist to help but then leans in to whisper. Whatever he says makes her giggle louder. I can’t believe these two are so inappropriate, like Addy and I are invisible tonight.

“Can you believe these two?” I complain aloud to Addy. “After being married for this long, why do they still act like horny teenagers?”

Addy laughs, lacing her arm into mine, and walks us to the patio outside. It’s a beautiful night out, warm but not uncomfortable. I’m so full from dinner and the mocktails, so the idea of lying by the pool feels perfect.

We both lay down, removing our shoes and glancing at the sky.

“You know, most women envy what Mom and Dad have,” Addy says wistfully.

“What do they have?”

“Unconditional love, comfort, connection, and a friendship,” she begins with, then continues. “A lot of women I see are still searching for all of this. It’s not easy to find someone who is equally your partner and best friend plus have sexual chemistry at the same time.”

“What do you mean sexual chemistry?”

“It just works. There are no boundaries, no rules. Everything is from within, and when you’re at a level of comfort with a partner, it’s a freedom like no other.”

“That makes no sense to me,” I admit truthfully. “There are always rules. Like, don’t cheat on me.”

Addy chuckles softly. “Sure, if you’re not in an open relationship. Those rules are kind of a given, though. Once you commit to someone, you trust them unless, of course, they give you reason not to trust them, but that’s a whole other story.”

My mind wanders back to Cole and me. While I don’t think Cole cheated on me, we often fought when rumors swirled around school about him hooking up with other girls. I’m not proud of moments when our fights escalated and we would get into a screaming match. Equally so, he hated it when any guy went near me.

What Addy said about love, comfort, and connection doesn’t sound anything like what Cole and I had. It then gets me started on ‘what did we have?’

“You’re quiet,” Addy points out.

“Just thinking about what you said.”

“You and Cole?”

“Yeah.”

“Alexa, you’re young. Don’t settle for a high school boyfriend if it doesn’t feel right.”

I nod, in silence, shifting my gaze to the lights on the horizon.

“We’re broken up. It’s done. I didn’t settle.”

“Despite what everyone else thinks, I think it’s a good idea you’re traveling to find yourself.”

My head tilts toward Addy. “I’m not traveling to find myself. I’m traveling to explore the world.”

“Same thing, Alexa. We explore because we’re searching for something.”

Without even thinking, my mouth opens to correct her, but something stops me, and I keep quiet.

“Mom and Dad will support you no matter what,” Addy continues. “That’s what our parents do. Go explore, do whatever it is you want to do. As for college, it’s next year’s problem. Live for the now because tomorrow is not promised.”

A small laugh escapes me. “Ava is right. Every chat with you is like a therapy session.”

Addy shakes her head, then snorts. “If Ava was a client of mine, I’d be sitting on some nice coin if I could bill her. Her trick is to call me and start the conversation with, ‘I have a friend’. The friend is always her.”

I continue to laugh, knowing Ava too well. “That’s Ava for you.”

Addy clutches her stomach as we both fall into a fit of laughter, unable to control ourselves. I’m going to miss her. If there’s anyone who has ever had my back, it’s Addison Edwards.

* * *

Turning eighteen and graduating from high school flew past in the blink of an eye. I wasn’t nervous about graduating. Just glad it was finally over. I’d managed to graduate with honors, even surprising myself with how my grades were excellent given what I’d been through the last few months.

All my family, including my aunts, uncles, and cousins, were at the ceremony. Many of them cried though I’m not sure why. I was just so relieved it was over, and I didn’t have to see everyone in this godforsaken school anymore.

Initially, I planned to leave for Europe as soon as school was over. Then, I got a summer job opportunity making it hard to refuse. My mom’s bestie, Eric, had a client who needed a house sitter for the summer. House is probably not the right word to use, more like mansion sitter. The mansion is located in Santa Barbara, and part of the job also involved dog-sitting the three King Charles Cavaliers—Paul, Ringo, and Adele.

The English couple who owns the place are traveling to Asia and would usually bring their dogs, but apparently, on the last trip, there was an incident with airport staff and Paul. He got snappy, and they got slapped with a big fine.

They paid extremely well, so well even Eric said I’d be a fool to pass it up.

“I would have died for a job like this when I was slaving away to make a dollar at your age,” Eric complains, pouring himself a martini in the fancy bar inside the den.

“What were you doing at eighteen?”

“Street work,” he answers flatly.

“Street work? Like a hooker or male equivalent?”

“God no,” Eric exasperates, placing his hand on his chest. “Modelling on the streets for some D-grade fashion magazine.”

My shoulders fall as I roll my eyes at him. “Okay, you can see how I took that wrong, right?”

“Sweetheart,” he calls with a big grin. “Enjoy this while you can. Soon you’ll be backpacking through Europe, questioning whether you can afford deodorant. Then, you decide food is more important, and it’s a slippery slope from there on.”

“Like you’ve ever done it.” Ringo walks over to me and rests his head on my lap. Adele is not impressed as she lays on the dog bed but continues to give me the cold shoulder. Paul is standing at the window, eyeing the gardener with a wicked death stare. “You only stay in five-star hotels.”

“The way God intended it,” Eric responds with a smile. “According to my friend Harper, you’ll need the following things. A hot girl bikini for the beach and pool. Stick to white. It’s the best color against the European tan you’ll have.”

“Okay…”

“Black body-con mini dress. You can style it up with accessories that are light to carry,” Eric rambles, barely taking a breath. “Now, even though I loathe flats with a mini, you’ll want some sandals to go with it. Heels will not be your friend when you’re drunk and trying to walk down a flight of steps in Santorini.”

“Got it, sandals.”

“And listen, just make sure you stay protected.” Eric lets out a heavy sigh. “No glove, no love.”

“C’mon,” I joke, unable to keep a straight face. “As if I’d sleep with a stranger in a foreign country.”

Eric places his hand on mine. His face turned serious. “Honey, we all do it. Most of us live to regret it unless, of course, it’s some Italian man who can’t speak English with a big dong which makes your eyes water.”

“You fucked an Italian man with a big dong which made your eyes water?”

“Sweetheart, I couldn’t walk straight for weeks.”

All of a sudden, my ass begins to hurt. Eric has had a colorful past. Thank God he’s married now because I just can’t imagine him still on the loose. He talks a lot of smack for someone married, but Tristan, his husband, is used to his ways and pretty much just ignores it.

“This conversation hurts,” I tell him.

Most of our summer days were spent lounging by the pool. For someone with a full-time job, Eric sure had a lot of spare time on his hands. He used to work for Mom as her assistant. Then he moved into marketing. Now, he owns his own PR company and works with high-profile celebrities, which, according to him, is his dream job.

The days passed quickly as did my time in this summer job. I’d finished planning my itinerary for the next year, including a stop in all the countries I’m keen to visit.

Then, it came time to say goodbye. It’s supposed to be easy, given my excitement. What I didn’t expect was this wild ride of emotions. One minute I’m dreaming about lying by the pool in Mykonos. The next, I’m almost crying because I don’t want to leave the house.

The morning of my departure is a quiet one. Mom made breakfast, pancakes and waffles, just how I like them mixed together. The fresh brew of coffee smells extra good, even though I’m not a coffee drinker unless Starbucks Iced coffee counts.

Outside, the sun is extra bright today. The birds even seem to have an extra chirp in their chirping.

I pull on the zipper and close my backpack. Everything is packed and ready to go. As I throw the oversized backpack over my shoulder, I glance at my room one more time.

There are so many memories, good and bad. I wonder, the next time I see it, will it be different? Mom won’t touch a thing, but will I feel different?

With a weight on my shoulders from the bag, not just my emotions, I close the door behind me and carefully make my way down the stairs. Inside the kitchen, my parents both glance at me with sadness in their eyes.

“Do you have your passport?” Mom asks quietly.

I throw my backpack on the ground and retrieve the passport from the crossbody bag I’m also wearing. Holding it up, Mom nods with a small smile.

“We haven’t discussed money,” Dad begins, his voice suddenly stiff and controlled. “The limit on your credit card has been increased to pay for accommodation and in case of emergency.”

“About that…” I reach inside my bag again and pull out my credit card. Before I have a chance to talk myself out of it, I place it flat on the countertop. “I won’t be needing it.”

“Alexa,” Mom calls my name with worry. “I’d be much more at ease if you kept it. You don’t need to use it, but just for emergencies.”

I shake my head, refusing to compromise. If I do this, I need to do this on my own. My gaze shifts toward Dad. I can swear on everything I own, somewhere behind his challenging stare, there is a bit of him which is proud I’m not leeching off him like Ava.

“I’ll be fine, Mom. Don’t worry.”

Mom bites her lip, then bows her head. “You’re our baby. We’ll always worry about you.”

Taking a step toward where she stands, I reach my arms out to embrace her. Mom’s hug is extra tight today, and I know she doesn’t want me to grow up, but it’s not like I can stay young forever.

“You’ll see me in four months at Addy’s wedding in France,” I remind her.

A smile finally spreads across her face. “We’re here, always. Just a call away.”

“I know, Mom.”

Finally, I turn to face Dad. The moment is finally here, the moment I’d been wishing for every single time we argued, and he imposed a new stupid rule.

In my head, I thought I’d be jumping for joy. Reality feels incredibly different … like I’m going to miss him or something.

“I guess this is it…”

“This is what you wanted,” he reminds me in a condescending tone.

My eyes meet his, and perhaps his words were intended one way, but he just sounded like a jerk again to me. A swirl of anger begins to swell inside of me. I try to suppress it, knowing nothing good will come from arguing with him again. I swear he’s like a woman on her period with his up-and-down moods.

“Bye, Dad.”

I wrap my arms around him to say goodbye, but unexpectedly, he holds on longer than I anticipated. When I finally pull away, Mom’s eyes are glassy as she tries to hold back her tears.

“Are you sure you don’t want us to take you to the airport?” Mom asks for the millionth time.

“I got this, Mom. Like I said, I’ll be just fine…”