Chapter 3

THREE

“So, what? You’re just going to take off like we’re nothing?”

Cole’s raised voice echoes around us as we sit on the sand, watching the waves. Something is calming about the ocean. One minute, a wave crashes against the shoreline, making its presence known, and the next, there’s an eerie silence.

Rinse, cycle, repeat.

Just like this conversation.

I’m trying to understand why this conversation is a surprise to Cole. We haven’t been the same since the party almost two months ago. He’s busied himself with friends and God knows what. The boys were known to fuck whoever they could get their hands on. Cole had a history before he and I hooked up. He dated and slept with several girls.

Though he was my first.

It wasn’t uncommon for rumors to travel of him cheating on me. For the most part, I blocked out all the noise, but deep down, it hurt. Just because I don’t see a future with us doesn’t mean his being with other girls is any easier to swallow.

I’ve been trying to study for finals despite not wanting to attend college. I mean, maybe one day I might change my mind, but as of right now, it’s not for me.

“I’m not taking off like we’re nothing,” I tell him, unable to hide the disappointment in my voice. No matter what I do, Cole will never escape me. How can he when he got me pregnant at the age of seventeen? His memory will always be something. “We’re so young.”

“And your dad is okay with this?” he questions in disbelief.

Things with Dad could have been a lot worse. I suspected Mom has a lot to do with the fact that he’s still even talking to me. Occasionally, we cross paths, and he brings up places to visit in Europe. I appear interested though his acceptance of my traveling is making me question my whole decision. By then, I usually mumble something and walk away disinterested because I don’t like questioning my life choices.

“He’s fine,” I half-lie. “Well, he’s fine now.”

Suddenly, Cole stands up and distances himself. As he crosses his arms, his stare is fixated on the ocean. Then, he turns around with a clenched jaw, nostrils flaring like a bull ready to attack.

“Is there someone else?”

I shake my head while pursing my lips. “Why does it always have to be about someone else?”

“Because I haven’t fucked you in forever!”

A sinking feeling forms in the pit of my stomach. Maybe that’s all I’m good for, a quick fuck in the bedroom or my name attached to the Edwards’ wealth.

Just when will someone see me for me?

“Silence speaks many words you can’t seem to answer,” he accuses with malice.

His wide eyes fixate on me. They’re cold and uninviting, lacking the warmth and comfort I would have expected from someone who told me they loved me. I remember it like it was yesterday, the weighted words said right before I gave myself up.

Cole promised me the world, and I believed him.

Suddenly, he turns his back and begins walking away with not a single word left to say.

The breath I’d been holding in finally released. No matter what I do, I’m making everyone miserable, including myself. In just a few months, no one will have to worry about me because out of sight, out of mind.

I make my way home but stop at the drugstore for some products I ran out of. Somewhere in the deodorant aisle, my phone pings with a text message. I’m expecting it’s Cole, but also not surprised when I see it’s my sisters in our group chat.

Ava:What happened with Cole?

How on Earth did she know I was meeting up with him? I swear my sister is some secret spy and knows everything before I can even get a word out.

Me:How did you know I was meeting him?

Ava:He texted me.

Me:And?

Ava:He thinks you’re seeing someone else and wanted me to tell him the truth. So, are you?

Me:I’m not Millie…

Millie:Why does it always come back to me? You know Mom and Dad aren’t so innocent. They had an affair… A BIG ONE OK.

Addy:Sometimes, in relationships, the force of two people far outweighs the rationality of crossing boundaries.

Ava:Here comes Miss Psych with her relationship analysis.

Addy:Alexa needs wisdom… not advice from someone who had a one-night stand with her sister’s ex.

Our conversations always jumped back and forth at the expense of one of us. Like always, nasty words are said, and all is forgotten tomorrow. Even after Ava and Millie ambushed me last week, they carried on the next day like nothing had happened.

The only time any of us fought long enough to go without speaking was when Ava announced she was pregnant. I love her husband Austin like an older brother, but he was Millie’s boyfriend turned fiancé first. Talk about shitting where you eat or whatever the stupid saying is.

Me:I’m not seeing anyone else. It’s not going to work out. He’s going to Ohio State, and I’m going to be away in Europe. What’s the point of trying long distance when neither of us are willing to sacrifice our future?

Addy: You shouldn’t have to sacrifice what you want for a man. Period.

Ava:Speaking of periods… Millie’s is late.

Addy:Oh…

Me:Again???

Millie:AVA! Why do I tell you anything?????

Ava: Maybe the parentals need to sit you down and give you the safe sex talk LOL.

A heavy weight on my chest distracts me from the text messages. You can have all the safe sex talks, but one misjudgment is all it takes.

One misjudgment is all it took for me.

We were drunk, at a party, inside a bedroom that belonged to someone’s little brother. A series of events led me to make one bad decision after another. I should have known better, especially since Mom and my sisters were open when it came to discussing sex.

I place my phone back in my purse, needing a break from my sisters, and then head to the checkout to purchase my items. Before heading home, I stop to grab something to eat, realizing I’d skipped lunch at school to avoid the girls in the cafeteria. School has been such a toxic environment lately, so I can’t wait to graduate and get out of there.

When I pull into the driveway, Dad’s car is parked outside. It’s early for him to be home, but what catches my attention is Cole’s car beside it. What the hell? I quickly grab my things and slam the door shut before rushing to the back door and entering the kitchen.

Cole is standing next to the counter, shifting his gaze onto me as Dad sits across from him. I’m quick to notice Cole’s glassy eyes, which is what happens when he drinks. How is that even possible since I saw him only an hour ago? Not to mention he drove here. Great, now he’s going to get me into trouble.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, crossing my arms in annoyance.

“Talking to your dad about your decision not to go to college.”

I tilt my head to the side. “Excuse me? You have no right coming into my home to discuss a decision that is mine.”

“Just admit there’s someone else,” he says in a bitter tone.

On the countertop, his hand is clenched into a fist as jealousy consumes him. I’m so over his insecurity and immaturity. Why does it always have to involve another fucking guy? I can’t believe this is happening in front of Dad, who sits there not saying a damn word.

“Leave,” I mutter.

“Do you see what I mean, Mr. Edwards?” Cole snarls then shakes his head. “I guess this is it, huh?”

“Cole,” Dad warns but pauses to control his own anger. He keeps his expression stern before continuing, “You need to calm down, now.”

This time, I bow my head. Even when your gut tells you the truth, the reality is sometimes far worse. It wasn’t ever meant to last. We were two different people. It’s another reason I chose not to go ahead with the pregnancy. Cole wasn’t ready to be a dad, and if I had forced it upon him, he would have resented the baby and me. That’s no way for a child to grow up.

“It was over a long time ago,” I say in a whisper. “Don’t make it harder than it has to be.”

I’m half-expecting Cole to lash out, his temper worsening of late, but Dad being present is my saving grace. Without another word, he walks toward the door and slams the door behind him. The silence is short-lived as the sound of his engine roaring echoes in the kitchen. Then, on cue, the car accelerates out of the driveway, which I can only assume is not at a safe speed.

My palms lay flat on the countertop while I try to suppress the guilt trying to consume me. The more the guilt fights its way through, the more I feel this is all my fault.

“You made the right decision ending things,” Dad speaks up rather calmly. “If traveling and exploring the world is what your heart is set on, then it’s best you do it without the pressure of trying to hold onto a relationship.”

I raise my eyes to meet his. Did he just accept me going away without his usual condescending tone? I’m taken aback, unsure what to say or do. After my outburst and telling him I hated him, I knew things between us were rocky. Even though he’d offer suggestions of where to go and what to see, I just thought that was small talk.

If this is the olive branch, then maybe it wouldn’t hurt for me to extend mine, just like he has done because right now, I’m tired of fighting all these battles.

“I don’t hate you,” I admit in a low voice. “The night of the party, someone drowned. Everyone panicked, and I … I saved this guy. It was a lot to process.”

“You saved a guy?”

I nod. “Everyone was drunk, including him. I remembered a video I watched on CPR, and, well, I just did it. It’s why Cole is angry with me.”

“Cole is angry you saved a boy’s life?” Dad questions with his brows furrowing. “I don’t understand.”

“His pride is hurt, I guess. I had to perform mouth-to-mouth. Kids at school were teasing Cole that I cheated on him.”

Dad finally nods as it all makes sense. “Alexa, you should never be made to feel like saving a person’s life is wrong.”

“I know,” I mumble. “I’m sorry, Dad.”

A heavy sigh escapes him. “I’m not going to stop you from going to Europe, Alexa. Only if you promise me you will enroll when you return. A college education is integral to your future. Do you understand me?”

With my posture falling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, I exhale a long breath trying to remain strong.

A year will give me plenty of time to explore and do all the things I want to do. Now, with Cole gone, I’m no longer forced to consider someone else’s fragile ego. The last thing I want right now is a guy telling me what I can or can’t do. The whole jealousy thing is a bunch of BS. I don’t understand men. It’s not sexy at all.

Cole may have been my first love, but he won’t be my last.

Just like Mom once told me, your first love will hurt the most. It’ll be the one you remember, but maybe one day, it will also be the one that guides your heart in the right direction.

Mine is desperate to get on a plane to escape as far away as possible.

And in just under three months, me and my so-called broken heart will be doing exactly that.