Chapter Eleven

Mallory

My anger is slowly subsiding.

Either that, or I'm just too tired to go on being mad.

I can't work out which.

All I know is, I haven't moved from the couch, although Saffron has shifted from my lap and is snuggled down beside me now. She's fast asleep, oblivious to everything… lucky her. I'm still haunted by how it felt when I realized Cooper's reason for inviting me to the festival with him, and that it had nothing to do with liking me.

My eyes sting, but that's just tiredness. Nothing more. I refuse to cry over him, or the fact that I've loved him and wanted him for longer than he deserved.

The thing is, I'd been having such a good time at the festival. It was nice to meet his friends, and to feel like part of his life.

It felt good to belong for once.

How was I supposed to know it all meant nothing?

How was I supposed to know he'd only done it to make himself feel better, and presumably so Meredith would be jealous?

It seemed to work, too, and even though I don't want to, I have to smile, recalling the look on her face when she saw us together. I might have meant nothing to him in the game he was playing with Meredith, but we clearly fooled her into thinking we were an item.

Just like he fooled me into thinking he cared.

My smile fades at that thought, and I let out a long sigh.

Why couldn't Cooper have been honest?

I wonder how I'd have reacted, though, if he'd asked me to go to the Fall Festival, and explained his real motives. What would I have said? What would I have done?

I don't imagine it would have ended well.

So I guess I can't blame him for his deception.

Except I can. Because it hurts.

It hurts more than I want to think about.

But it's better to think about that than consider what on earth we're supposed to say to each other on Monday morning.

How am I supposed to look at him, knowing he lied to me and used me, and that I still want him so much I can hardly breathe? Because I do. No matter how much he's hurt me, I can't stop loving him. I wish I could, but I don't think love works like that. Not for me. I wish it did. It would make this so much easier.

I yawn, stretching my arms above my head. Saffron stretches her legs, letting me know I've disturbed her, but doesn't open her eyes, which is just like her. Tiredness really is getting the better of me, and although I could join her in sleeping away the afternoon, it's still early. I don't think it's even three yet, and I can't possibly fall asleep at three in the afternoon. I've never done that in my life.

I need something to pick me up instead, and the only thing I can think of is coffee.

It'll mean disturbing Saffron, but she'll get over it, and I edge off of the seat. She wakes in an instant, giving me a glare, but as I stand, she immediately shifts into the spot I've just vacated. She likes the corners of the couch best of all, and now I've moved, she's taking over and claiming the warm patch I've created.

She twists around in a circle before settling down again, and buries her head beneath her paw, letting me know she doesn't want to be disturbed. I know the feeling and make my way to the kitchen, cursing out loud when someone knocks on my door. I wish I had a ‘Do Not Disturb' sign, and had thought to hang it out there. But I don't, and I didn't.

I change direction, walking to do the door, and it's not until I'm pulling it open that I realize there's only one person who can get in here without using the intercom first. Only one person who can knock directly on my door.

Cooper .

My mouth dries as I stare up at him, wondering how he can look so damn perfect, while I'm sure I look a mess. I've run my fingers through my hair too many times for it to look tidy, and my dress must be creased beyond belief… not that I'm going to check. He'll think I care.

"Are you okay?" he asks, his voice sounding a little deeper than usual.

"Of course I am." I can't smile, but I can put on a brave face, even if seeing him is the last thing I need right now.

"Can I… Can I come in?" I've never heard Cooper hesitate like that. He's far too self-assured for hesitation, although he hasn't lost all of his conceit, and steps over the threshold before I've even had the chance to reply, staring down into my eyes as he whispers, "Please?"

What am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to do? Throw him out? He's my boss, and my landlord. Throwing him out doesn't feel like an option, so I step back, letting him in, and closing the door, before I turn around and find he's perched himself on the arm of the couch and is stroking Saffron, who seems to have woken up, and is welcoming the attention.

Traitor .

"How's she settling in up here?" he asks, nodding to the cat.

"Fine."

I've got no intention of making small talk with him. Besides which, Saffron didn't give me very much choice about accommodating her. She just moved in.

He strokes her head, and she nuzzles him, purring loudly, and even letting him pick her up. I glare at her, but she's completely ignoring me, too caught up in Cooper… just like everyone else, it seems.

Without waiting to be asked, he moves onto the couch, sitting in the corner, and Saffron settles onto his lap, curling up, like it's the most comfortable place in the world, which I'm sure it is. Not that I'll get the chance to find out now.

I know I was about to fix myself a coffee, but I'm not in the mood to offer him one. If I did, he might think he's welcome to stay… and he's not. Even so, I can't just stand here, looking at him, while he strokes my cat, so I stride over and sit beside him, leaving as much space between us as my small couch will allow. I half hope that Saffron will remember who she lives with and join me, but she's far too comfortable with Cooper and just looks at me with a smug expression on her feline lips.

"I feel like today didn't go as well as it could have done," Cooper says, getting my attention. I raise my eyes to his, and find he's staring at me, and there's nothing smug, or self-assured, or conceited about the look on his face. He looks a little confused, and has an inquiring tilt to his head, and the sexiest smile on his lips. I'm not sure if he's expecting an answer, and I can't think of a polite one. I can't think of anything when he's smiling like that, so I just shrug my shoulders. "Would you… Would you let me make it up to you?"

"How?"

"By allowing me to take you out to dinner tonight?"

"No," I say. He's got to be kidding… right?

He frowns, like he doesn't understand, but then his face clears and he nods his head. "Oh… of course. You're not well. I should have thought." He pauses for a second and then says, "Maybe, if you're better, we could have lunch tomorrow instead?"

"No, thank you." How much more obvious do I need to be?

His frown is even deeper, and he twists in his seat, his knees almost touching my leg, because my couch is that small. I notice Saffron doesn't move a muscle, though. Not like she does whenever she's on my lap and I do so much as twitch.

"I don't get it," Cooper says, his eyes fixed on mine. "Have I misread this? I thought you wanted to go to the festival with me?"

"I did."

"In that case…"

"Jesus…" I sit forward, raising my voice, and making the cat jump, although Cooper calms her with a stroke of his hand. "Are you so insensitive you can't work it out for yourself?"

"It looks that way. Didn't you want to spend the afternoon with me? I thought we were having a good time. But if I got that wrong…"

"You didn't. I was having a great time… until the moment I realized I was only there to make your ex jealous."

"Excuse me?" He frowns again, shaking his head.

"Don't pretend. You didn't invite me to the festival because you wanted to be with me. Not like I want to be with you, anyway." His eyes widen, and I wonder if I should have said that. Still, it's too late now. It's out there. "You invited me so Meredith would see us together and realize what she's been missing."

"No, I didn't. That's not why I invited you at all. To be honest, I wasn't even thinking about Meredith."

I suddenly feel a little sick. Have I misread this myself? Did I misunderstand and overreact?

"What were you thinking about, then?" I ask, my stomach churning. "Why did you invite me?"

"I don't know."

I wasn't expecting him to say that and I stare at him for a moment or two, letting his words roll around my head, although they still don't sound good, no matter how many times I repeat them to myself.

"You don't know?"

They don't sound any better out loud, either.

"No."

"Well… thanks."

He shakes his head again, although he's dropped the frown and is just gazing into my eyes now. It's a little distracting, I'll admit. "Would you rather I lied?" he says.

"Of course not."

"Then why are we arguing?"

"Because, even if you don't know the reason you invited me, once we were there, you were affected by seeing Meredith with another man. You moved closer to me when she saw us together. There was a smile on your lips."

"Was there?"

"Yes."

"I wasn't aware of smiling. If you say I was, then fine, but it didn't mean anything. Not in the way you're thinking."

"Then why did you move closer to me?"

"That was involuntary."

"Oh… so it's another thing you can't explain?"

He sighs. "It was something I couldn't control… let's put it that way."

"And why did you fake your concern when I said I had a headache and wanted to come home?"

"I wasn't faking."

"Oh… really?"

"Yes, really. I was genuinely concerned. I thought about following you, but I wasn't sure if that was the kind of thing… people do." Why did he hesitate before he said the word ‘people'? I can't work that out, and I refuse to get hung up on it. There are other things to think about.

"You were concerned, were you?"

"Yes."

"And is that why you're here? To check up on me?"

"No. Well… Yes. I mean, I'm not checking up on you… except I suppose I am. In a good way." He stops talking and sighs. "Naturally, I'm concerned that you're okay, but I told you why I'm here. I wanted to ask you to have dinner with me… except you've got a headache, and…"

"No, I haven't," I say, interrupting his flow.

He frowns again. "You mean it's better?"

"No. I mean, I never had a headache in the first place. I just didn't want to be used."

"I wasn't using you, Mallory." He stops stroking the cat and pushes his fingers back through his hair. "Although I love the fact that you're accusing me of faking."

"That's not the point." I feel as though I'm losing this argument, although I can't work out how. I had the upper hand… or I thought I did. "The point is, you made me feel like part of your game."

"What game?"

"The game you were playing with Meredith."

"I wasn't playing any kind of game with her, or anyone else, Mallory."

"Then why did it feel like there was something going on? Something fake?"

"I don't know. But if there was, it had nothing to do with me."

"You knew she'd be there, though?"

"Of course. She goes every year. I even knew she'd asked to have her stall placed alongside Zeke Hooper's."

"So, you knew they were together?"

"Yes."

"And you still say you didn't invite me there to make her jealous?"

"I do. If I reacted to seeing her with another man, I wasn't aware of doing so… and my reaction was nothing more than disappointment."

"That she's with him now?"

"No. That I wasted too much time on her." He wasn't supposed to say that, and for a moment we just stare at each other. Then he sighs, shaking his head. "I feel like this is just one big misunderstanding."

"Do you? How can you be sure what it is, when you don't even know why you invited me to spend the afternoon with you? I—I thought you did it because you liked me, but…" My voice cracks, despite my best intentions, and he leans closer, although I shift back, keeping a distance between us.

"I do like you."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"You expect me to believe that when you have no idea why you asked me out in the first place, although you admit you knew your ex was gonna be there with her new boyfriend? Honestly, Cooper… it might feel like a misunderstanding to you, but it still feels like a set-up to me."

"It's not, although I guess I can see how it might have seemed that way," he says, letting out another, longer sigh as he picks up Saffron and puts her down on the couch in the tiny space between us, ignoring the scowl she gives him and getting to his feet. "All I can say is, if I've hurt you, it wasn't intentional, and I'm sorry."

He turns, walking to the door and quietly lets himself out. Saffron looks up at me, as though she's blaming me for his departure, and there's a part of me that agrees with her.