Chapter Ten

Cooper

I feel lost.

It's a strange sensation and not one I've experienced before, but there's no other way to describe the empty feeling inside me. It's like there's a hole… caused entirely by Mallory's absence.

I hadn't expected to feel like this, but I guess I hadn't expected to be here, enjoying myself. Not as much as I was. And I was enjoying myself, even if it felt as though half the town had descended on us within moments of our arrival.

Okay, so I can't deny there was a certain awkwardness between Mallory and me. But that was my fault, not hers. It felt a little dishonest to be making small-talk with her, when what I really wanted was to take her hand, pull her close and kiss her. Except that wasn't all I wanted. Because I still wanted more… and even though I'd normally struggle against such a concept, I didn't. Not with Mallory. She's fun, she's easy to talk to, she gets along with just about everyone, and she makes me feel comfortable. That's an unusual sensation for me when I'm with a woman. Normally, there's an edginess… either an anticipation of what's to come, or a fear they'll want to talk. Usually about something that's best left unsaid. With Mallory, there was none of that. Every word that left her lips felt right. Hell… even when she made that remark about strangers marrying people who've lived here all their lives, I wasn't fazed. In fact, I confused the fuck out myself by thinking about how great it sounded. Marriage? Great? What was wrong with me? Marriage has always terrified me. And yet, it sounded so good. It sounded fucking perfect. That was, until she qualified her comment, and made it about Walker and Imogen. I can't be sure whether she meant that, though. There was the cutest blush on her cheeks, and she had a look in her eyes that made me wonder if she was only saying it for my benefit. I might be wrong about that. But I hope not… especially since our conversation with Nate.

I've always thought of myself as someone who likes to moderate the time he spends with women, and how much of himself he's willing to give. I like to suit myself. That's why my supposed relationship with Meredith seemed so ideal… simply because we had a schedule. I didn't have to see her too often, and we didn't find it necessary to share every waking and sleeping moment. The idea of spending every minute of the day in the company of another person, like Nate and Taylor do, has always struck me as weird. But, as we were talking, I suddenly realized that, if I started something with Mallory, that's exactly what we'd be doing. We'd be working together and hopefully sleeping together. Oddly enough, the prospect didn't fill me with fear. It made me wonder… which is why I asked Nate if it works. I probably should have asked how it works instead, but his answer was reassuring, and I guess it all comes down to wanting it enough to make it happen.

And I definitely want Mallory enough. Not just naked and underneath me. Not just begging me for more… but in my life. Period.

The question is, does she want that, too?

It's hard to tell. Our day's been curtailed by her headache, and I wonder if I should go after her. She might have said she was fine, but should I leave her alone when she's not well? Or should I be more attentive?

Is that what boyfriends do?

Proper, decent boyfriends, I mean. The ones who care.

I've never been that kind of guy before, and I'm not even sure she thinks of me as boyfriend material, but either way, I don't know what's expected. My instincts are telling me I should be with her… to help her and take care of her. But if she's feeling unwell, maybe she'd prefer to sleep, or at least to sit quietly by herself, without me getting in the way.

I just don't know.

All I know is I miss her… and I don't care how pathetic that sounds.

The sound of familiar laughter makes me glance over toward Meredith's stall again. She's not standing by Zeke Hooper anymore, but is talking to a woman who seems to be admiring her paintings… more fool her. Their conversation is animated and littered with laughter on both sides, and as I watch them, I shake my head.

I can't remember ever feeling lost without Meredith. I don't remember missing her, either.

In fact, I can't remember feeling anything, except relieved when I knew it was over between us, and I turn, leaving Meredith behind as I stroll away, wondering what I ever saw in her.

Even at the beginning, I remember questioning my judgment. I remember Brady questioning it too… more than once. The thing was, I enjoyed having sex on tap every weekend, without fail, without questions, and without having to go out of my way to find it. What I didn't appreciate was that, right from the start, all that sex was just masking the cracks… the biggest one of all being Meredith's temper.

Maybe the red hair should have alerted me to that, but it didn't. I was too busy making the most of her other attributes, and even though she proved herself to be fiery, she always made it up to me… in spectacular fashion. And I was always shallow enough to let her.

I guess that goes to show I'm as much to blame as anyone.

I'll admit that.

Just like I'll admit the other fairly obvious reason I should have steered away from her and her titian-colored tresses.

Which is that I've always preferred blondes.

Ever since my first kiss with Georgia Wade, back in high school.

Man… she was hot. Her folks left town a few months after that first kiss, and although I was sorry to see her go, I started seeing Aspen Clarke later that summer. We spent several months together before boredom set in, and after her, I worked my way through a series of blondes, in various shades, each of them more fun than the last.

That was until I met Fallon Yates. I was in my final year at college by then and thought I knew everything there was to know about women… and sex. Fallon had a divine ass, and wasted no time in showing me how wrong I was, and that I had so much more to explore. Since then, I've taken the chance, whenever it's presented itself… whenever the woman concerned has been willing.

Meredith wasn't. But I don't think it was her attitude to my sexual tastes, or her red hair that were the real problem. When it came down to it, she wasn't right for me, just like Greta said. Brady's been telling me the same thing almost since the moment I met her, and they can't both be wrong. That said, I wasn't right for her, either… so it's best forgotten.

I glance up, spotting Brady. He's standing close to the chili bar. We've never had one at the festival before, but judging by the number of people standing in line, I'd say it's going well. I'm not sure whether Brady's there to control the crowd, or because he's enjoying the smell of the food, which I have to say, is incredible.

He's supposed to be here on duty, but he's talking to Laurel and holding Addy's hand, which just goes to show that duty comes in many forms. Staring at them, I feel that same stirring deep inside me, just like I felt when I watched Ryan cradling his baby son. I know what it is now. It's jealousy… not like I felt when I imagined Mallory in the arms of another man, but it's jealousy, nonetheless.

That strikes me as strange. I've never craved the family set-up that Brady, Ryan and Walker have… or that Nate will have soon enough. Children have never interested me, any more than settling down. And yet, I feel jealous of my best friend for having it all.

I wander over to them, struggling to raise any enthusiasm for staying here. That's partly because I can't make sense of my thoughts and feelings, and could probably use some time alone to work it all out, but it's also because I really miss Mallory. Even so, I can't let Brady see I'm out of sorts. He knows me too well, and he'll have too many questions… none of which I'll be able to answer.

"How are you?" I say to Laurel the moment I get to them. It seems like a good idea to keep the focus away from me… and I am genuinely interested. She could barely move the last time I saw her, and even if Mallory explained that Laurel seemed better when she saw her yesterday, it can't hurt to hear it for myself.

"Not too bad," she says with a smile. "Providing I don't do too much."

"Which means I'm not letting her do anything at all," Brady says, putting his arm around her.

I wonder, yet again, whether I should be with Mallory, taking care of her, like Brady's clearly taking care of Laurel, and I suddenly remember what Ryan said about doing whatever it takes to look after the women we love. Does this tugging inside me – this need I have to be with her, and to have it all – does it mean I'm in love with her? Is it that simple? Did Ryan know? Did he guess? And if he did… how?

I don't know about Brady having too many questions. My head feels full of them. Too full.

"I just saw Peony," I say, desperate to appear as normal as possible, despite the turmoil going on inside me. "She was gonna call you."

"She did. We're gonna meet up later in the week to discuss the wedding. Hopefully I'll be feeling better by then."

"I'm sure you will."

"Where's Mallory?" Laurel says, catching me by surprise.

"M—Mallory?"

"Yes. I thought she was coming with you today."

"Oh?" Brady shifts forward slightly, looking down at her. "What's this?"

Laurel tilts her head up, frowning at him, although her eyes are still filled with an abundance of love. "I didn't tell you, but Mallory was coming to the festival with Cooper."

He turns to me. "You kept that quiet."

Before I can reply, Laurel nudges in to him. "Stop it, Brady. Be kind."

"What about?"

"Cooper and Mallory."

"I didn't know there was a Cooper and Mallory," he says, grinning.

Neither did I, but I like the sound of it. There's a ring to ‘Cooper and Mallory' or ‘Mallory and Cooper'. It rolls off the tongue, whichever way you say it.

Laurel blushes, looking back at me. "Sorry," she says. "I must have misunderstood."

"Misunderstood what?" I ask, joining their conversation at last.

"Oh… nothing."

That's about as credible as me suddenly developing a taste for Meredith's crazy paintings, and I shake my head, stepping just a little closer. "No. You know something I don't. And it's about me… evidently. Me and Mallory?"

She sucks in a breath, looking pained… although I don't think it's got anything to do with her back. Then she glances up at Brady, although he just shrugs, which suggests he has no idea what's coming. Getting no help from him, she looks back at me again. "Okay… I met Mallory yesterday."

"I know you did. She told me. What I don't understand is what that has to do with me… and her."

"It's just that she was excited, because you'd asked her to come to the festival with you."

I'm intrigued by the idea of Mallory being excited about anything, but I want to know more. "What did she say?" I ask.

Laurel hesitates for a second. It's long enough to pique my interest and then she says, "Not very much. I was in a hurry to get to the school to collect Addy, and as I can't walk very fast at the moment, I couldn't stay and talk."

She's hiding something. That can't have been all there was to it. If it was, how would she have known Mallory was ‘excited'? It doesn't add up. I'm about to ask her what gave Mallory away when Brady says, "I didn't realize you and Meredith had officially broken up."

I turn to him, shrugging my shoulders. "Neither did I until yesterday."

"You mean she called at last?"

"No. Angela told me Meredith had asked to have her stall moved so she could be next to Zeke Hooper."

"Who's Zeke Hooper?" he asks. Brady knows everyone who lives here, but Zeke Hooper isn't from Hart's Creek, so he can be excused.

"He's the pottery guy," I say, turning and pointing in the vague direction of his stall. I let my eyes wander back there, unsurprised when I see Meredith has returned to his side, and they're fooling around again.

"They need to get a room," Laurel whispers under her breath.

"Yeah." Brady stands up straight, looking a lot more official all of a sudden. "If they keep that up, I'll have to go over there and speak to them… or arrest them. One or the other."

"You can do whatever you like, as far as I'm concerned."

He turns back to me, tilting his head. "At least you've seen the light at last," he says. "I know you only tolerated her for S-E-X, but I can't believe she was worth it."

Addy suddenly pipes up from beside him, tugging on his arm. "What's S-E-X?" she says, and I smile, although I notice his slight groan and the way he turns to Laurel, who narrows her eyes at him.

"Sorry," he whispers to her and then crouches down in front of Addy, taking both of her hands in his, while she gazes at him adoringly, waiting for an explanation. I can't wait to hear it myself… and I can't stop smiling either. "It's something grown-ups do," he says. I'd hoped for better than that, but I guess she's only five, and I watch while she takes that in, frowning for a second, and then nodding her head.

"Like having ice-cream for breakfast?"

I laugh out loud, and he turns his head, glaring at me, before he looks back at Addy. "It was once," he says. "Just once. Are you never gonna let me forget it?"

"No." She shakes her head. "You wouldn't let me have any."

"It was your mom who wouldn't let you have any, not me."

"No," Laurel says, stepping into their conversation, and taking one of Addy's hands in hers. "Because ice cream for breakfast is not a habit we want to get into, is it, Brady?"

"No. It isn't." He stands again, the explanation of S-E-X clearly forgotten. Laurel's moved to the other side of her daughter now, she and Brady each holding one of her hands, and Addy looks very satisfied with life… even if she didn't get to have ice-cream for breakfast. "Is there a reason you didn't tell me you were dating Mallory?" Brady asks, and I raise my head, looking at him, noting the teasing smile on his lips… damn him.

"I didn't know I was."

He frowns. "Why not? You asked her here, didn't you?"

"Yes, but…" I stop talking, wishing I'd kept my mouth closed instead of painting myself into a corner.

"But what?" he says.

"I—I didn't realize it was a date. Not when I asked her."

"Don't you like her in that way?" Laurel asks, looking concerned. "Don't you think she's attractive?"

"I think she's beautiful."

"But you still don't like her?" Brady says, even though I think he already knows the answer to that question.

"I do." Although I don't think ‘like' is a strong enough word for the feelings rolling around inside me. I've liked all sorts of people before and never felt like this.

"Then where is she?" he asks.

"She was here earlier, but she had a headache and went home."

"And you didn't go with her?" he says, frowning.

"I offered, but she said she was fine."

He nods his head, although he doesn't seem convinced by my reply, and rather than admit I've screwed up in more ways than one today, I turn back to Laurel.

"I still feel like there's something you're not telling me."

"Oh?" She tries to look innocent, although it's not working. I've never seen anyone look more uncomfortable in my life.

"Yes. I think you know why Mallory was excited about coming here with me… only you're not saying."

"No, I'm not."

"Why?"

She bites on her bottom lip, like she's trying not to smile. "Because it's not for me to say, Cooper. You'll have to ask Mallory yourself."

How? How am I supposed to do that? I mean, it's great that there's a reason, especially as that reason seemed to make Laurel smile. But how am I supposed to phrase the question? I can hardly tell Mallory I've been discussing her with my best friend and his wife, can I? She'd be mortified, and she'd probably never confide in Laurel again. It wouldn't be fair.

Even so, I'm dying to know what's going on, and I don't think I can wait another minute to find out…