CHAPTER 34

“Mom, when can I talk to Drew?” Gia asked for at least the third time in as many weeks. “I want to tell her about the book. It’s so cool, what she got me.”

“I know, honey. Drew is busy, though. I’ll ask her when I talk to her next, okay?”

“Okay. Does she not like me anymore?”

“What? No, of course, she likes you. Why would you ask that?”

“Because she can’t ever talk to me. I know she’s busy, like you. I just thought we were friends.”

“You are friends, Gia. But Drew is a grown-up, and she is busy like me right now. I’ll ask her to call you when I talk to her next, okay? I’ll tell her that you really miss her.”

“Mom?”

“Yes, Gia?” she asked into her phone as she slipped her bag over her shoulder.

“Do you miss her, too?”

“What?”

“You like Drew.”

“Of course, I like Drew.”

“No, I mean… I know you like like Drew. You think she’s pretty and nice.”

Selma sat down on the hotel room bed.

“I do think she’s pretty and nice.”

“You like her like how you liked Dad. It’s okay. Inez at school has two moms, and they’re really cool.”

“She does, huh?” Selma said, her heart racing in her chest.

“Yes. And I saw you kiss Drew on the cheek at my party. I hear you talk to her sometimes, too.”

“We do talk sometimes.”

“Not since my party?”

“No, we’ve talked since your party.”

“Not as much,” Gia pointed out.

“No, not at much. We’ve both been busy, though, like I said.”

“Mom?”

“Yeah, honey?”

“It’s okay. I’m not a little kid anymore.”

“You are still a little kid. You’re only ten years old, Gia.”

“But I’m not so little that I don’t know things. I know you like Drew and that Drew likes you, too. You smile a lot when you get messages from her. And I think that means you love her, maybe.”

“Oh, honey,” Selma said and dropped her bag to the floor.

“Mom, it’s okay. I like her, too.”

“I know you do, baby. But it’s complicated. Grown-up relationships are complicated.”

“But you love her, don’t you? I heard Grandma talking to you one day when I was drawing in the office. She said you do.”

Selma was going to have to talk to her grandmother about when and where they talked about these things.

“I do love her, yes,” she said, deciding to be honest.

“And she loves you.”

“I don’t know, Gia. I know she likes me.”

“But you’re sad because you’re not talking as much now.”

“Yes, I am. We have some things we need to talk about.”

“Mom, it’s okay. I know you have to take care of me and that you’re always worried about me because you have to work a lot and are gone and stuff, but I think Drew is good for you, like Grandma.”

“Grandma told you that?”

“No, but I heard you two talking about it when you were in the kitchen.”

How was her kid always hearing this stuff when they thought she was out of earshot?

“Gia, Drew and I are together already, so you don’t have anything to worry about.”

“You are?” Gia asked excitedly.

“Yes, we’re dating.”

“Mom, that’s awesome! Drew is awesome! When is she coming back? Can we go to the zoo then? Drew said she likes animals, and elephants are her favorite, but I told her that I like the giraffes. We could go to the zoo and see them. Do you know that you can feed the giraffes? They eat lettuce and other leaves, and I could give them some.”

“Okay, baby. Just… first, I have to go to work because I’m going to be late as is. We can talk about this more later, okay?”

“Okay… But Drew said she lives on a mountain, too, and that she gets to ski and board all the time there. Can we go?”

“Gia, I have to go right now. Later tonight, okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” the girl said, no longer sounding excited.

“I love you so much.”

“I love you, too, Mom.”

Selma hung up the phone and stared at her screen for a moment before she stood up and grabbed her bag again. She had to go snowboard in a semifinal that morning, and if she made it through that, she’d board in the final that afternoon. So far, she had barely made it through the two preliminary heats, coming in third and second, respectively.

It was a Team Canada exhibition event for charity, so it didn’t matter in regard to her overall standings, but she still wanted to win. They would soon be telling a few of the women they’d initially selected for the team that they wouldn’t be called up for the next team event, and while Selma felt comfortable enough that she would be fine, given her most recent win, she never felt one-hundred-percent until she got the call that she’d been right. After that, the team would choose the athletes who would compete and the ones who would be the alternates on the team, and Selma didn’t want to be an alternate. She had messed up in the last Olympic Games, but she’d gotten so much better over the past three and a half years or so, that she hoped those performances and her newly gained experience would help her make the team again and get to perform on the worldwide stage.

While a lot of other boarders saw the Olympics as just something cool to compete in because snowboarding wasn’t always an Olympic sport and so the culture developed outside of the Games, Selma had grown up knowing that she wanted to represent her country in the Olympics one day, so it mattered to her more than even the World Cup.

Before the start of the semifinal, though, Selma had a hard time getting Gia’s words out of her mind. She took off and managed to go into the first turn in the lead, but she struggled to keep it and was lucky to come in second place. She joined everyone for lunch but didn’t participate in any conversations outside of offering some small talk here and there, thinking of Drew, who was probably bored out of her mind, lying in bed with her knee elevated. It was structurally fine, according to the doctors, but Drew was still supposed to rest. Selma wanted to be there with her, to lie beside her, and to bring her ice or anti-inflammatories. She wanted to hold her when Drew slept, wake up with her, make her coffee, and do everything else girlfriends would do for each other when they were in the same place.

When the final started a few hours later, Selma was in the third gate of the six. She knew a win wouldn’t matter much because no one wanted to get injured before the next important event that would count for their rankings and points, so they were going hard, but not their hardest. Still, Selma wanted this win. She kept picturing Drew lying in bed, maybe watching this event on the live stream provided by Team Canada and rooting her on, but then, she worried that Drew wasn’t watching at all.

And why would she watch? They’d hardly talked since Drew had gotten home and injured. They texted, yes. They talked at night most nights, too, but things were awkward now. She felt like Drew was just waiting for her to confirm that she was ready for what Drew wanted, and she was sure Drew probably thought every night that Selma would tell her that or end things between them. They hadn’t had a real conversation in weeks, and she hated it.

She barreled down the course and managed to stay in second place for most of the race, but then, she took her last turn a little too loosely and ended up getting passed by a seventeen-year-old rookie on the team and a thirty-nine-year-old vet, who would likely not make the Olympic Team, but this was an exhibition event, so the woman was racing more to have one last go at it. When Selma made the final jump, she landed upright and didn’t make any effort to pass the third-place racer, even though she probably could have, so she ended up coming in fourth place in a race she could have easily won.

◆◆◆

“Did you win?” Gia asked the moment she walked in their room later that night.

“What are you still doing up? It’s late, Gia.”

“Grandma said I could wait up for you.”

Selma dropped her bags by the door and moved to her daughter, who was sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table.

“Hey, baby.” She sat down next to her, pulled Gia’s head to her, and kissed her temple. “What are you doing?”

“Reading the book Drew got me. Well, you don’t really read it; you experiment with it. I’m just trying out different things.”

“It makes noise,” Grandma noted when she walked into the living room from the bathroom. “How was your day?” she asked and sat down on the sofa behind Selma and Gia.

“I came in fourth, but it’s fine. It wasn’t a big deal, and I didn’t want to push it too hard.”

“Mom?”

“Yeah, honey? Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

“Yes. And I’ll go to bed, but… Um…” Gia bit her bottom lip. “Did you–”

“I haven’t talked to Drew yet, Gia. I was working and then, coming home.”

“Okay… I just wanted to tell her what I got on my chemistry test because I don’t like chemistry, but she told me to stick with it, so I did, and I got an A.”

“You did? Gia, that’s great, honey. I’m so proud of you.”

“And I think I might like it a little more now because I’m through all the basic stuff and it’s cooler now.”

“I’m so glad,” Selma replied with a smile aimed at the coolest kid in the world.

“I’ll go to bed now, but I’m sorry you didn’t win today, Mom.”

“That’s okay, honey. It’s not always about winning. Sometimes, you learn more from the losses.”

“Night, Mom.”

“Good night, honey. I love you.”

“Love you.”

Gia closed the book on the table, picked it up, and held it to her chest as she walked to her room, like it was the most precious thing she owned.

“Did you learn something today?”

Selma sighed and said, “I learned that my kid knows about Drew and me because she’s overheard you and me talking about it.”

“And?”

“What do you mean, and?” she asked, moving to sit next to her grandmother on the sofa.

“And what? How did she take it?”

“Fine. She loves Drew.”

“Was she at all worried? Concerned? Freaking out, as you’d say? Did she tell you that she doesn’t want you to be with Drew? Or did she think you shouldn’t be with anyone, for that matter?”

“No, of course, she didn’t.”

“And you came in fourth today?”

“Yes.”

“What does that tell you?”

“I was distracted. Gia told me she knew about Drew this morning.”

“Honey, I love you… but I’m going to tell you something right now, and I need you to really hear me.” She took Selma’s hand in her own. “You are being very stupid, and you need to knock that off.”

“Grandma!”

“I’m serious. I don’t know if you and Drew will last forever, but I do know that she loves you and that little girl in there. Drew flew all the way here just to go to the kid’s birthday party. You told me that you mentioned a physics cake to her once, and she showed up with something that made Gia and you so happy. She calls that child just to talk to her and not you, her girlfriend. That woman is very busy right now, yet she still makes time for her. And you have never been as happy as you’ve been since you and Drew got together. You laugh and smile more. And I know you can see this working out, and that scares you because what if you’re wrong, but that’s life, Selma. Gia is old enough now to understand that. You need to stop worrying about her getting too attached to Drew because she already is; that happened long before you and Drew even started dating. So, there’s really no point in you continuing to punish yourself, Drew, and Gia.” She patted Selma’s hand. “Now, I’m going home to get some sleep, but if you need to make any unscheduled trips to visit someone anytime soon, you just let me know. I’m free whenever you need, and I’ve got Kelly on standby, along with Kirsten. We’d all love to see you finally being with the person you love.”

Her grandmother left without another word, and Selma stood up. She walked to Gia’s bedroom to check on her and found the kid already asleep in her twin bed, with her leg sticking out of the blanket, like always, and that book beside her head. Selma just stared at her daughter for a minute, still in awe that she’d actually created someone so perfect. When she then walked to the bed and took the book to put it away for the night, she had this image in her head that was so very clear. It was of Drew picking up the book and putting it away for the night. Drew would then walk to the door, where Selma would be waiting. She’d kiss Selma and take her hand. They’d go to their own bedroom and get ready for bed. Drew would hold her, and they’d talk about anything and everything before they’d fall asleep.

“What am I doing?” she whispered to herself.