Chapter Twenty-Three

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

Colby

I t was the last Covington family dinner before the wedding, and Colby was nervous.

It was just going to be his parents, his siblings, their spouses, and their kids. No one had said that others could go. That wasn't how his family worked. They were the type who would take anyone in. All were welcome in the Covington home, but Colby knew that tonight was supposed to just be them all the same.

But he didn't want to go without Vince…Vince who felt like a partner to Colby in all the ways that mattered. He was the first and only person Colby had ever been in love with. It didn't matter how many times he doubted his own feelings—out of fear of hurting Vince and that something was wrong with him—but deep down, Colby knew he loved Vince. That he wanted to spend his life with the man, living and laughing and loving.

"I want you to go with me," he told Vince as he pulled his pants on. Vince was naked in their bed, watching him. They'd showered together, but Vince hadn't gotten dressed. The man liked being without his clothes as much as possible.

"Baby, you know I will, but I'm not sure this dinner is meant for me. I go with you, and it's going to make people wonder."

"I don't care." But the problem was, sometimes Colby cared too much, was too careful. He walked over and sat by Vince on the bed. "I realize I've been all over the fucking place lately. I feel like a damn mess, but let's just get through this wedding, and then we can focus on us."

"Okay," Vince said easily.

He was too damn good for Colby.

I love you. He stared at Vince, wanting to say the words, having them fill him up until he was nearly bursting with them.

"If I'm going with you, I should probably get out of bed and get dressed."

Colby reached out, wrapping Vince's limp cock in his hand and stroking it. "I wish you didn't have to."

"I'm not sure that would be real appropriate. We can get naked again the second we get home, though."

Colby grinned, feeling it in his chest. "I like the sound of that."

They finished getting ready, then headed out to Covington Acres together.

Dennis, Jackie, Roe, and Wyatt's vehicles were all there when they pulled up. Somehow, even when Colby was on time for things like this, he felt like he was late for them.

He should have texted his mom and told her he was bringing Vince. He didn't know why he hadn't. Maybe because he didn't feel like he should have to. Did Jackie tell them Scott was coming? Did Dennis have to say Kristen would be there? He knew that wasn't fair. Those were his siblings' spouses, and they didn't know about him and Vince, but sometimes people felt things that were unfair. No matter how much others judged them for it or pretended they weren't as guilty themselves, it was a reality.

"We doing this?" Vince asked when Colby turned off the truck.

"Yep. We are."

They got out together and headed into the oversize farmhouse. No one heard them at first. It was loud, the way it always was when the Covingtons got together. Sean was there with Wyatt too, but then he figured that made sense. He might be Holden's nephew, but Holden treated the boy like his son.

His dad was sitting in a chair, his crutches beside him. It was Dennis who looked up and noticed them first. His gaze shot back and forth between Vince and Colby, but then he said, "Hey, Colbs finally decided to show up."

"I'm not late, asshole," Colby teased him, knowing his brother was joking with him. Dennis wasn't a bad guy. He just…didn't get Colby. He saw the world through his own tunnel vision and then expected others to feel the same way he did.

"Uncle Colby said a bad word!" one of his younger nieces said.

"Come here, brat." He chased her, the little girl laughing, then picked her up and carried her over his shoulder, tickling her.

"Hey, you." Holden made his way straight for Vince and hugged him. Colby couldn't help watching them while he set his niece down. Holden was making sure everyone knew Vince was family to him, that Holden wanted him there. Again, not that anyone else didn't, but Colby was pretty sure Holden was trying to help make it look like Vince was there for him too, to give them an excuse if they needed one.

"Hey, you," Vince said back to him.

Everyone started talking again, visiting and chatting about the farm and the wedding. He could hear the excitement in both his parents. His dad was usually quieter about the marriage stuff, but Colby knew he had the same ideals as his mom. That to him, his kids' happiness meant the farm, marriage, and children. Part of it was generational, and part just how they were. It's what they knew.

Colby shifted, feeling uncomfortable. He wasn't sure how he'd kept these thoughts from plaguing him today. They'd been weighing more heavily on him lately because of Roe's wedding, his dad's injury, and his feelings for Vince, but sometimes it felt like all he thought about anymore. Like the weight on his back kept getting heavier and heavier.

"Colby?"

His attention snapped to his mom. He hadn't realized she'd come over to him. "Hmm?"

"Is everything okay?"

"Of course. Why wouldn't it be?" Because it should be. He didn't have major issues. He was so fucking blessed. Why couldn't he make his brain focus on that?

He tried to concentrate on the conversation while they all discussed wedding rehearsals and the ceremony.

"Colby has caught me standing in front of the mirror and practicing a few times," Vince said, pulling Colby's attention.

"It's true, and I'd say more than a few times." Because despite everything that was going on, Vince wanted the ceremony to go off without a hitch. Colby could see how important it was to him that Roe and Holden had chosen him.

The conversation continued around them, kids running and playing and laughing. Colby grabbed a beer from the kitchen, then leaned against the wall, watching. Vince fit so well with them. He laughed at something Scott said, and Colby couldn't help smiling. He should be happy right now. Why was his head such a mess?

"You're quiet today," Dennis said, joining Colby where he stood, a short distance from everyone else.

"Guess it's just the excitement of everything, is all." He was surprised Dennis noticed. Usually he didn't with things like that.

"We should talk about the farm."

"Do we really need to do that today?" The pit in his stomach deepened.

"What's going on with you lately? You act like you're being tortured."

Colby turned to look at him, his hackles automatically raised. "What the fuck are you talking about? I'm here, just like everyone else. I'm pitching in and doing what's right by the family." But the truth was, Colby was being moody. He was feeling all sorts of conflicting emotions he wasn't sharing with anyone, not even Vince.

Colby didn't look at his brother, focusing on the string of kids running toward the back door and outside, led by Wyatt and Sean, who were good about wrangling up the younger ones.

"I don't know, man. But I'm not the only one who's noticed it. Mom and Roe have too. I was talking to Kristen about it." Roe and their mom had been talking about him? Dennis and his wife? "And we were thinking that maybe it's the wedding? I've heard about people getting upset around others getting hitched, thinking about your own life and not being happy."

He gritted his teeth, chest tight. "So because I'm not married, I can't be happy?"

"That's not what I was saying, but you can't want to be alone. No one really wants that, and I get it. We're all getting older. Everyone is settled in their life. Kristen has this new friend from Chelsea. Her name is Sally. The two of you have a lot in common. You're both around the same age, neither of you has been married. Sally has a big family, grew up on a farm and—"

Years of pent-up emotions shot to the surface, too powerful for him to control. "Stop! Just fucking stop!" Colby said louder than he meant to. He looked around the room, and everyone was quiet, everyone looking at them and wondering what was going on. The weight of their stares was another burden on Colby's shoulders.

He knew he should shut up. That he should smile and pretend everything was okay or turn around and walk out to cool down, but he couldn't. Not now. Not when he just wanted to be happy. Just wanted to live his life. Just wanted to have Vince and let them find the happiness that suited them best without any expectations.

What came out of his mouth was, "I don't know if I want to work the farm."

Dennis's face scrunched up, and he was looking at Colby like he was some kind of disease that needed to be cured.

"Colby?" his mom said, his name a soft question.

He looked at her, at the pain and confusion on her face. Then at his dad, the wrinkles around his eyes and the sadness curling his lips down. And fuck, he hated letting them down, hated how he felt, but he was so fucking tired of feeling that way too.

Colby pushed off from the wall, ran a frustrated hand through his hair. "I love the farm. I do, but…but it doesn't make me happy the way it does you." He looked at Dennis and then his parents.

"Babe," Vince said, stepping closer.

He wanted to beg Vince to call him baby, knew he was trying to prevent the volcano from erupting, but maybe it was time it did. Colby would be miserable if it didn't.

"I can't… I have to do this." He gave his attention back to the others, body jittery and pacing. "Ever since everything went down with Lulu, something hasn't been right with me. Maybe even before that, but I couldn't name what it was. I felt…incomplete. And not because I wasn't in a relationship. At least not in the way you're thinking. I realized I didn't know who the fuck I was…what I wanted. Roe knew he wanted to experience life outside of Briar County, and he did. He lived and learned and experienced the world and decided he wanted to come home. Both Jackie and Dennis knew they wanted exactly what Mom and Dad have—marriage, family, and Covington Acres. But I didn't know." He continued pacing, not letting himself focus on any one person. "Maybe I did want that, and maybe I didn't. I just feel like I never had the chance to sort through that as an individual rather than the youngest Covington son who has never stood out, not really."

"Colby…we love you. I'm sorry we made you feel that way," his mom said, and damned did that break his heart.

"I don't doubt you love me. That's why it's so hard. And I also know that a lot of this comes from inside me. How I've always felt different but never had a name for it. That no matter how many women I was with, I could never feel that romantic connection. I didn't understand it, like my wires were crossed. Every time I broke up with someone, it made me feel more and more broken. More and more different, which added to the restlessness I experienced around the farm.

"Who the fuck was Colby Covington? I wasn't the guy who just wanted this farm and a family. I wasn't the guy who knew much of anything other than the life laid out for me. I didn't feel the need to get married. I don't want kids. Hell, I wasn't even the guy who thought I was capable of romantically loving someone until…"

He looked up, gaze snagging on Vince, who was staring at him with so much intensity, Colby felt like he could burn alive with it…and that he would want that. That he needed it. "Until Vince. I'm in love with him…in love with you ," he added for Vince's benefit. "And I've been so fucking scared to say it, scared to let myself believe I could feel it because something about me still feels like I'm broken inside." And that was probably something Colby needed to talk to a therapist about. "I want to be with Vince, and I don't want kids. I want to brew beer, try my hand at starting my own brewing company. And I want to travel with you, Vince. I'm so fucking scared to believe I can have those things, that I won't fuck it up, that you won't realize you want more than Briar County and that's all I'll ever be."

Colby sighed, shrugged his shoulders. "I'm not even sure if you feel the same. I know you have your own hesitations, but I want to do more than see how things go. I want to be with you…because I love you. You're my first crush, my last crush, my always crush, I reckon, and even if our idea of happiness is different from everyone else's, I hope you want this with me too. I—"

"Shut up," Vince said, making Colby's heart race, until he smiled, which immediately made it settle down. "I want to taste every batch of beer you make, want to travel with you, garden with you, laugh with you." He walked over and grabbed Colby's face in his hands. "I'm so fucking in love with you too, and I know it will be different with you. I trust you, trust us . You're worth the risk."

Vince's mouth crushed down on his, and he melted into the kiss, melted into Vince, knowing that whatever happened, the two of them would figure it all out together.