Prologue

PROLOGUE

Colby

Two and a half years ago

P inks and oranges started peeking out of the skyline behind the shadows of trees, barns, and the house Colby had lived in his whole life until he got a place of his own in his mid-twenties. He was thirty-seven now, so that had been a long time ago, but in every way that mattered, Covington Acres was his home. It was the place that held his most cherished memories. Where his family lived and where he worked. And looking out at it right now as dusk began to lead them into night, Colby knew it was one of the most beautiful places in the world.

He loved it…

But he also didn't.

No, that wasn't true. He completely loved it but sometimes resented it. Sometimes he didn't know if it was what he wanted, mainly because he'd never had anything else. He'd never been given the chance to see if there was anything else out there for him, to find his passion or even if he had one. The older he got, the more that weighed on him. The more he wondered if this was who he was or if he was just really fucking sad and didn't have a damn clue about himself.

Colby sighed, hating those feelings that had been growing for years. The ones that made him restless and added fuel to the fire of all the other confusing feelings he'd been having lately.

He didn't feel right…didn't feel "normal"…as if he wasn't built the same as his parents and his siblings. His dad had been given this farm by his own father, and it was all he'd ever wanted. Colby's dad had started dating his mom when they were in high school. They got married at nineteen and had been happy ever since. They had four kids, Colby being the baby of the bunch, all close in age, all working this farm, raising their families and being happy. A family and Covington Acres were all his parents had wanted.

Colby's brother Dennis and his sister, Jackie, both had spouses and kids. They worked the farm too. Dennis lived and breathed Covington Acres just like their parents.

His oldest brother Roe was the only one who wasn't married, but he had a teenage son with his best friend, and now was in a committed relationship with Holden. Roe had been the only one to leave Harmony, in Briar County, North Carolina. He'd left right after high school. Roe was gay and wanted to experience life outside their hometown, and their parents had supported him. But Colby figured everyone knew Roe would come back. Roe was a family man, this town was in his blood, and maybe it was in Colby's too, he just wasn't sure.

Even though Roe had left, it had always been assumed Colby would stay. That he would want exactly what his parents did—the farm and a family—and that's just the way it was because that's what Covingtons did. He thought maybe his parents had understood more with Roe than they would with him due to Roe's sexuality—there hadn't been much of a chance for Roe to find a partner here all those years ago.

But what they didn't realize, what no one knew, was that Colby was pretty sure he was broken. That he didn't know how to be in love with someone at all.

That truth was making it harder and harder to keep things going with his girlfriend, Lulu. She was getting anxious, wanting to settle down, get married and have kids. Colby had hoped she would be different, that he would feel for her and want to give her all those things, but it wasn't happening.

It was wrong of him to keep stringing her along, which meant tonight he would be breaking Lulu's heart, and tomorrow, when his mama found out, he'd be breaking hers too…and disappointing his dad and brother Dennis. How many times had they told him that at his age, it was high time he settled down? That by the time Colby had kids, their cousins would be much older than Colby's kids. The idea that he might not want them at all never crossed their minds.

With a sigh, Colby stood from the picnic table where he'd been sitting and went to his truck. Even after a hard day of work on the farm, he didn't go home to shower before heading to Lulu's. He'd put this off long enough. He might not be built like the rest of them, but he wasn't the kind of man who wanted to hurt anyone, and the longer he tried to feel something for Lulu that he couldn't feel, the harder it would be on her.

He knocked on her door, and she opened it with a huge smile on her face. Lulu was a beautiful woman, with long blonde hair and curves in all the places he loved. She was kind and funny. He enjoyed talking to her, spending time with her, fucking her. Why couldn't he be in love with her?

"Colby! I didn't expect you." She leaned forward and pressed her lips to his. His dick stirred a little. Physical attraction had never been a problem for him. It was all the other stuff.

"Decided to stop by on my way home," he told her, running a hand through his hair.

She let him in, Colby closing the door behind him. She'd been hinting about marriage a lot more lately—or at least them moving in together while they worked toward marriage. He wanted Lulu to have the husband she deserved and the kids she wanted. He just wasn't the man who could give them to her.

"You want something to drink?"

"No…I, um…need to talk to you for a moment." He looked her in the eyes. He wasn't a coward. If he was going to break her heart, at least he could be a man about it.

Concern creased her brow. "Is everything okay? Is it your family?"

He winced. She was the kind of person who cared about others, who would automatically be worried about Colby or his kin.

"They're fine. Can we sit?"

She frowned, her expression saying she was starting to put the pieces together. They went to the kitchen table, Colby pulling out a chair for her to sit down before he sat beside her.

"Just say it, Colby," she told him when he didn't speak right away.

"I'm real sorry," he started. "It's not you. You're great. I have so much fun with you. You're everything I'm supposed to want, everything I want to want. I just think…hell. I think something's wrong with me."

"Are you gay? It's okay if you are. Your family will accept you. They couldn't be more supportive of Roe."

That's the thing… Colby had wondered if he could be gay, but he'd never looked at a guy and thought he wanted to hook up with him, and he did that with women. He liked having sex with women a whole lot, and maybe he would like it with men too, but he'd never tried. He could look at a man and see if he was an attractive guy, but it had never been more. The emotional stuff was just confusing for him.

"No. I'm not gay. I'm attracted to you, Lu. I'm attracted to other women too. I just don't want the same things. I can't seem to want to settle down. That's not in the cards for me, and you want marriage and babies soon. I don't want to hold you back."

Her eyes pooled with tears. His heart felt like it was being ripped apart. Maybe he could keep trying. Maybe if he married Lulu, he would fall in love with her and want a real relationship with her, rather than just being in relationships because that's what was expected of him. But then, how was that fair to her? How could he ask her to spend her life with someone who might never be in love with her the way she deserved?

"Maybe we can try a little longer…" she said, crying now. "Maybe you're just not ready for marriage yet. I can wait."

Fuck, he hated this. Hated himself. He reached over and took her hand. "You deserve more than to wait around on a man like me, more than to stay with someone who can't give you the kind of love and life you deserve. You're better than that, Lulu. Better than me. I won't put you through that."

Lulu cried harder, and Colby pulled her into his arms, hugged her and shushed her, told her he was sorry and it would be okay. That she would meet a man who deserved her, one who could make all her dreams come true, one who wanted the same things.

He stayed with her for an hour before she told him she wanted to be alone. When he walked out, Colby had never been more disappointed in himself, and he knew this was just the beginning. Lulu taught yoga with goats at the farm. His family adored her. They wouldn't understand why he'd broken up with her, and he didn't know how to make them get something he was confused about himself. Something he was ashamed of.

When he drove home, he vowed never to do this again. He wasn't going to date anyone, wasn't going to risk breaking another heart just because he didn't seem to work right.

Colby Covington was going to be alone.

Eventually his family would have to understand.

It was better this way.