Chapter 19

Chapter Nineteen

T he party was… well, it sure wasn’t what Kyler expected from a ranch Christmas to-do.

This was fancy, even as it was kid-friendly and family-oriented. And there were lots of glittery folks.

Famous ones. Actors and singers and shit. He recognized a lot of them, and it made his feet itch in his good boots, made his jacket feel tight across his shoulders.

Even Henley, who was famous in her own right, was a little shell-shocked to see Paige playing with the daughter of an Oscar winner.

AJ had introduced him to Stoney and Ford, who owned the place. Ford was fancy too, but Stoney seemed like a cowboy, like a logical type.

But even then, no one seemed worried about kissing each other, holding hands. He’d never seen anything like it.

He wasn’t… mad at it. But it felt as if he was standing in someone else’s world. And Austin had been dragged away by a couple of writers, the kids off playing with the seemingly hundreds of dogs…

So he was like the proverbial sore thumb .

“Hello there, handsome. Would you like a drink?” This well-coifed dude in a sparkly sweater offered him a martini glass of something bright red.

“Uh. Sure.” That would give him something to do with his hands. Right? “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I’m Dean. I’m an art director at the Flying Diamond agency. We format Austin’s books for him.”

“Oh. Well, pleased to meet you, Dean. I’m Kyler.” He moved his glass to his left hand to hold out his right to shake.

“Kyler Hale, hmm? I knew you had to be when I saw you. I think it’s amazing that Austin is together with his cover model. Are you available for more shoots?”

His mouth went dry, and he couldn’t figure out what to say for a moment. Then he cleared his throat. “Uh?—”

“No, hmm? Shame. I’m going to have to speak sternly to Austin. Very sternly.”

“You are? Why?” He blinked, trying to figure out what was going on here.

“Keeping you all to himself, of course. I could keep you wickedly busy, but I understand.” Dean chuckled softly. “This is my favorite party all year. We like the gay ski week and Easter, and the big summer party is gorgeous, but this one’s special.”

“It’s sure pretty.” He felt like he was missing half the conversation. “The kids are really happy.”

“Have you met Geoff and Tiny? They’re the kitchen staff. That little bitty girl is their grandbaby, Ivy.”

Austin knew folks with staff.

Austin was friends with folks with staff.

“Um. No. No, I’ll have to meet them.” Maybe he could escape to the kitchen for a breather.

“You’ll recognize them — Tiny is a bear, and Geoff is a little rainbow-haired twink-looking guy.”

A bear. That was… okay. “Sure. Excuse me?” He almost ran for the kitchen.

The kitchen was outside, and he passed a couple making out in the shadows. “Oh. Sorry. Sorry.”

“No worries.” The low chuckle had his cheeks burning, and he caught his heel in the sidewalk, damn near going ass over teakettle.

“Oops.” Firm arms caught him. “Got you. Are you hunting for something? I’m Stoney and Ford’s son, and I can help.”

“I was trying to duck into the kitchen. I—” He swallowed. “Sorry.”

“Sure. Sure, not problem. It’s this way. Are you hunting for something gluten-free? Vegan? Or just the best coffee?”

“Coffee. Definitely coffee.” That red drink had been… whoa.

“It’s the best when Geoff makes it. Seriously.” The kid led him through the snow and up to a brightly lit door.

“Thanks. I appreciate it. I’m Kyler.”

“Quartz. This is Tiny and Geoff. Geoff, Mr. Kyler would like a fancy coffee.”

“Oh? Latte? Cappuccino?” That was some bright hair. “Kyler…you belong with Austin, hmm? He’s such a sweetheart.”

“He is.” He was, but he knew all these people… “Can I just have a coffee?”

“Of course.” Geoff’s head tilted. “Honey, are you okay? Come in. Come in and sit. You’re pale as a ghost.”

“Thanks. I’m not sure I’m cut out for fancy parties.” In fact, he knew he wasn’t.

“Oh, us neither. It’s way more fun in the kitchen.” Tiny—who was huge, by the way—winked at him. “I will say, by and large, these folks are kind and solid. Some of them are even…normal. ”

“Never say so!” Geoff swatted Tiny’s butt, like it was nothing.

“How did y’all meet Austin?”

“He did a book signing up here. It was adorable. He had all his books, posters—his fans showed up. Some even came from out of town and stayed up here. I think the bosses are having him do another one when his new book comes out. Do you get to read them first?”

“I haven’t yet, no.” His cheeks heated painfully.

“Well, I’m jealous that you get to be any part of the process. I’ve read all his books. I cried when Maverick was done.”

“I- yeah. I mean, I like the books a lot.” He was starting to feel a little hunted.

A coffee was sat in front of him, and Tiny touched Geoff’s hand as he went back to cooking.

“Do you want cream or sugar?” Tiny asked.

“No. No, thanks. I’m sorry to be in your way.” His voice cracked. What the fuck was wrong with him? He’d spent years on the road, scraping by and damn near losing fingers in the roping pen when he wasn’t riding, and he couldn’t handle a freaking party?

“You’re fine. Seriously. You can hang out here. No stress.” Geoff gave him a warm smile. “Seriously. You’re welcome.”

“Thanks.” He sat and sipped his coffee, and he tried to figure out what had him so freaked out. Was it the lack of a clear idea of how he and AJ were presenting themselves together? Was it the cover art thing? Was it just not really being out, so to speak?

Was it knowing that he was way more comfortable in this kitchen than he was ever going to be out there with the people Austin was with?

He took a deep breath. Okay. Right. He should probably go at least check in. Make nice. These were Austin’s friends .

“Thanks for the coffee, y’all.”

“Of course. We’re looking forward to meeting you again.” Geoff offered him what felt like a worried smile.

“Stay warm,” Tiny called.

“I will.” Kyler headed back out, determined to be brave.

Henley was laughing when he walked in, her pretty sweater sparkling in the lights. “Kyler! Kyler, have you met Jonas here? He saw me ride at the finals.”

“That’s great, honey.” He shook hands with the man, who he recognized as one of the country music singers doing the rodeo circuit. “She’s a hell of a barrel racer.”

“Yes, sir. She’s amazing, and your little girl is amazing.” Jonas smiled at Henley, the expression a little too warm for his liking. “She said y’all came with Austin Williams?”

“We did.” Lord, did everyone in this crowd know Austin?

“He’s a sweetheart. He signed a book for my mom.”

Someone’s mom read Austin’s gay books? That was wild.

Henley giggled. “That’s awesome.”

“I—yeah.” Someone’s mom had a book with his belly on it.

Jonas frowned at him, and Henley tilted her head. “Are you okay? You seem pale. Jonas, honey, can you please go grab Austin for me?”

“Sure. Of course.” Jonas hightailed it, and she studied him.

“What is it?”

“I’m just really wigging out, Hen.”

“Why? What is it?”

“What is it? Look at this place!” he hissed, careful to keep his voice down. “It’s full of out-and-proud fancy gay people, and Austin is friendly with them. Austin belongs with these people, not with me.”

“Kyler? Babe?” A warm hand landed on his arm. “What’s wrong? ”

People were starting to pay attention to them.

He backed off, crossing his arms over his chest. “Sorry. Sorry, I—” He tried to think of what he wanted to say.

“What’s wrong? Can I get you a drink? They have this Santa martini thing…”

“Oh, yeah. It’s kinda foul.” He made a face, trying for funny.

“Is it? Figures. I didn’t try it.” Austin wrinkled his nose. “I’ve got a fake ginger ale. I mean, it’s a real ginger ale. It’s fake booze, you know, because I was keeping an eye on the kids.”

“I took a sip. Then I escaped to the kitchen to have coffee.”

Henley stepped back, and he wanted to call her a coward as she moved out of earshot.

“Lucky! Geoff makes the best coffee. He makes a hazelnut latte to die for.” AJ reached for his hand.

He pulled back a little, and Austin’s eyebrows flew up. “Kyler, what’s wrong?”

He glanced around at all the glittery folks. “I don’t want to go into it here.”

“O-okay…Miss Henley, can you please watch Dallas and Paige for a second?”

“Sure, Austin.” Henley gave Austin a sad smile. “No problem.”

“Come on. There’s a little dressing room back here.” Austin put his hands in his pockets and headed toward a door in the back.

Kyler followed, feeling miserable as hell for disappointing Austin and Henley both. Jesus, he was a fucking mess.

Austin led him into a tiny room, turned on a light and glanced at him, face a study in confusion. “What on earth did I do?”

“I—It’s me, Austin. It’s totally me. I just—” He waved a hand. “This whole thing. I don’t belong here. I’m pretty sure I can’t do this. ”

Austin tilted his head like he was hearing a whistle. “Can’t do what? Go to a party?”

“The party is just a symptom.” Kyler paced the tiny room, back and forth. “I’m not— Honey, I don’t fit in with these folks. I don’t know what to say to them. I keep panicking.”

“They’re only people. I mean, they have way, way more money than I do, but they’re decent people, I swear.”

“I know that.” He blew out a sigh. “But they’re— I mean, they all know you. You were right in there, smiling and laughing, and I couldn’t even string two damn words together.”

“They all know a writer. It’s my job. I lie for a living.”

“You—” He blinked at that. “What does that even mean?”

“What? I make shit up for a job — it’s not just characters. I have to show up as Austin Williams, queer romance author. You were in the public eye, for fuck’s sake. It’s not any different, is it?”

“I—” Was it? Henley had fans here. He got recognized at the feed store… “I guess it’s not, no.”

“I would feel as out of place at the Cattleman’s Ball, Kyler.”

That had him blinking again. “You would?” He wasn’t trying to be an ass. He was trying to understand what was going on with him. Why he was so damn miserable and making a fuss.

“Yeah. I’d have to watch what I said, not tell anyone what I wrote, not touch your back, not call you babe, and manage that while being charming and social.” Austin met his eyes, deadly serious. “I have to lie all the time, you know. I hid being queer as a kid. When I became a single dad, I hid being terrified because I had a sick baby and no support. I have to worry about the political climate, global warming, and whether peanut butter causes autism. When I decided to write for a living, I had to hide the worry that no one would buy my books, that the ideas would dry up, that I was too gay, not gay enough, not social enough, not extroverted enough. I have to watch and not let people see that I have a condo because one of my ex’s friends feels sorry for me and charges me pennies on the dollar. I have to pretend that everything is okay when I don’t have health insurance or I can’t buy food because one of the distributors didn’t pay or I have to hire someone to be a cover model so I can restart a series!”

Kyler’s mouth dropped open. Then snapped shut. Then opened again.

He felt like one of those ventriloquist dummies.

“Austin—”

AJ shook himself, then straightened his shoulders, that mask of calm dropping down again. “We can’t leave until Santa comes for the kids, but that shouldn’t be long, then we can go. I’m sorry about the party. I thought it would be a good opportunity.”

“Wait, what?” That was two different lines of thought, but he seized on the first one. “Why are you leaving?”

“You are uncomfortable and want to go?” AJ’s brows furrowed and a want line showed up in the center of his forehead.

“Oh!” He wanted to smack himself. “You mean the party. I— shit. I thought you meant at the house, honey. You scared the fucking fire out of me.”

Austin’s eyes went wide, and all the color leached from the angular face. “I—No. No, are we…I mean, this isn’t a fight, is it?”

“No.” There was no question mark at the end of that for him. “But I am being an ass. I can’t seem to help it.” Kyler raked his hand through his hair. “I freaked out, and then even the guys in the kitchen seemed to be pointing out how I didn’t belong here, honey.”

“Nonsense. Stoney? The co-owner? He inherited this place from his son’s grandfather. He’s a ranch cowboy. He’s working, just like I am. If you asked him, he’d rather be riding. I thought…well, he needs saddles, and he meets tons of folks, and he’s happy to give the community work.”

“You’re amazing.” How could he have let that be less than the most important thing? This was about him and AJ, not about other folks. “One on one I’m sure I’d be fine, but we haven’t even talked about…” He waved a hand again. “Us. Like what us is to other folks.”

“I get that.”

“What?” Okay, that was—unexpected.

“The first time I was in a queer space—like an open queer space?—I was freaked. I was jealous, I felt like people were speaking a different language, like everyone was so overt because I’d been so deep in the closet. I—I was in college, so I guess I didn’t think.” AJ took his hand again, squeezed his fingers. “I’m sorry that you’re nervous. Want to hang out with me? I’ll introduce you to Stoney, and I promise not to desert you again.”

How had…

AJ gave everything to him. Just here—you need this, I’ll give it. Kyler had misread the fuck out of everything, including how vulnerable his man was, and AJ kept loving on him.

“Yes.” He could do that. They would have to talk. He knew it. There was a ton to unpack, but they had to get through tonight first, and their kids were out there waiting for party Santa. “Please?”

AJ beamed at him and offered him an arm. “Shall we, then? And we’ll ask for ginger ale in pint glasses?”

“You got it.”

Kyler could do this if Austin was with him. They had each other’s backs.

And that was the way he was going to navigate this whole damn thing from now on.