Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Clemson

The first semester came and went. On most days, classes were boring and nearly unbearable. Focusing had never been easy for me, and now that classes were longer, it was even harder. Sitting in a lecture hall for two hours at a pop was going to be the slow, painful death of me. My spirit was already a casualty, and I feared my sanity would be close behind.

As in high school, the highlight of every day was the time spent in the pool. Three days a week, I had a short practice in the morning and then a full session every day from five to eight p.m.

The school’s natatorium was newly remodeled and easily my favorite place on campus. I got lost in my own thoughts in the water. All I had to engage were my muscles, and at this point, they almost worked involuntarily to glide me through the water.

By the time I got home each night, I barely had the energy to study before crashing face down in my comfy bed. More times than I could count, I woke up to the sunrise blasting in through my open blinds, still dressed in my post-workout joggers and hoodie.

When accepting the scholarship for the swim team, I suspected I’d have a very full schedule. Practices and weight training were mandatory, along with community service missions and team-building outings. My social life was nonexistent outside the friends I’d made on the team and my roommates. But even with my teammates, on the occasion we made plans, we usually collectively canceled because we were all so exhausted.

My roommates did not have the same problem, however. They were courteous enough not to party in our own house—very often, at least. Before moving in together, we had all agreed we didn’t want our place to be a gathering spot, and they were sticking to the ground rules. They knew I had certain grades and commitments that had to be maintained or I’d lose my financial support.

For the most part, I didn’t mind the pace I was keeping, but I dreaded getting my grades in the next two weeks. I’d been expertly dodging looking at them all semester because I knew I’d be disappointed. Now, legitimate panic was setting in that I was failing more than one course. Not much could be done this late in the semester, so I spent a lot of time regretting not being more attentive to my academics.

Lesson definitely learned, but I wasn’t sure if I’d get a second chance. The rules were clearly defined in the paperwork that I signed regarding the school’s and team’s expectations. Bottom line—if I lost the financial aid provided by the scholarship, I’d have to head home.

That was the last thing I wanted to do. Now that I was out of that house, I never wanted to go back. All my sisters—even Shepperd—had moved out and were living their best lives with the men of their dreams. I wouldn’t be surprised if I had to shell out the bucks for three bridesmaid’s dresses in the next year. I was over-the-moon happy for all of them and, honestly, a little jealous.

My own dating life sucked at the moment. Well, I didn’t have one to speak of and barely got out to meet anyone new or even score a casual hookup. My roommates were amazing company, but by the midpoint of the second semester, I was really getting lonely. So, when I overheard some of my teammates talking about the guys they’d been hanging out with, I eavesdropped to learn more.

The tall, stunning redhead on our team was at the center of the conversation. Everyone called her Charlie, but I suspected it was short for something else. Two others were talking excitedly about the weekend trip they were taking, and she listened attentively, beaming like a proud parent. Maybe she had set them up? They all definitely were running in the same crowd based on what I was hearing.

One of the girls must have noticed me inching closer to their group and finally said something.

“Hey, Clemson, great practice today.”

“Thanks.” I smiled, grateful she didn’t call me out on eavesdropping.

“What are you up to this weekend? Headed home?” she asked. I think her name was Shelly. Maybe Sheila?

I screwed up my face while answering, “Nah, I usually stay near campus.”

“Oh,” she said, almost seeming to be thinking out loud. “I thought you lived in Orange County?”

“LA,” I corrected but wondered why that would matter? As usual, my thoughts must have been written all over my face.

“I just figured with home being so close, you’d do that.”

“Not much going on there,” I started to explain, and the three of them started giggling.

“Not much going on in Los Angeles? Are you serious?” the third girl added. I had no idea what her name was, even after spending most of my time with these people.

For whatever reason, I felt like I had to explain. “Well, as a city, of course there’s a ton to do. I was just thinking like with friends or whatever. Most of the people I know are away at school.”

Charlie spoke up. “That makes sense. You know, if you ever want to come out with us…” As soon as the words crossed her lips, the other two whipped their heads in her direction.

But the ringleader persisted. “We’ve been dating some local businessmen, and I think they have a friend who’s unattached.”

After that comment, the other girls got on board with her plan. “Oh, yeah. Brad, right?” Shelly, or Sheila, confirmed.

Charlie nodded with a mischievous grin, and something about the attempted setup felt off.

“I appreciate the offer, but I’m not really looking for a boyfriend,” I said, figuring they’d lose interest and go back to their own conversation.

Me and my nosy curiosity. Being in this awkward situation was my own fault. I shouldn’t have been eavesdropping on them in the first place.

But the third girl added, “Oh, they’re not boyfriends. We’ve just been hanging out. I have a boyfriend back home I’m madly in love with.”

Charlie and Shelly both rolled their eyes like they were standing in front of a mirror practicing synchronization.

“Oh, here she goes,” Shelly bemoaned. “Claire thinks she’s getting married to the hayseed, but we’re trying to convince her she’s too good for him.”

Okay, at least I knew her name now. But I really didn’t care about her boyfriend or any of the other details of this exchange.

“Come out with us this weekend. What could it hurt?” Charlie encouraged.

“I don’t think so,” I said.

Claire walked closer to where I was sitting on the locker room bench and sat down beside me.

I focused on tying my shoes instead of the fact the other two also crowded around me.

“Oh, don’t be so boring. You’re gorgeous and funny, and I know you’d have a great time. Give it a chance,” Charlie persuaded while reaching out to stroke my blond hair where it hung down my back. “I’m telling you, these men really know how to show a girl a good time. So different than the dumb boys we deal with around here.”

“Maybe next time,” I said while standing.

I was uncomfortable with the way they had circled around me like a pack of hungry coyotes. Next they’d start yipping and barking to confuse me into agreeing to go out with them.

After shoving my wet practice stuff into my bag, I slung the long strap across my chest and bolted for the door.

“See you all in the morning,” I said without looking over my shoulder. No way would I give any of them another chance to try to convince me to go out with them.

I had a lot of time to reexamine that conversation as I walked across campus. It was a beautiful spring day, so I had opted to walk to practice this morning rather than drive. I was especially glad for that decision after the experience I’d just had. Calming down while I crossed the school grounds was exactly what I needed. If I walked into the house looking the way I felt at the moment, my roommates would launch a manhunt for the three teammates that had me so shook.

No one could fix my loneliness but me. I knew that. It still didn’t make the idea of going out with my teammates any more appealing. Out of everything they’d said, the most interesting fact was these weren’t college guys they were dating.

Throughout my life, I’d always gravitated toward people older than myself. Maybe dating someone already out in the real world would be better for me. But what did a group of businessmen want with college girls? It seemed a little sleazy. None of us were technically underage, but how much could I have in common with a man like that?

No sense spending any more head time on that topic. I told them no, so they would probably never bring it up again. Though the lonely girl inside hoped they would.

The house was quiet when I stepped inside. The cool air conditioning felt so good on my sun-warmed skin, I took a few minutes to lean back against the door and let all my systems center. I needed a shower and to treat my pool-damaged hair with some extra love. All the hours in the chlorinated water were hard on a natural blond, and I’d been neglecting my body right along with everything else.

When I came out of my room afterward, intent on making a protein shake and taking a long nap, I ran into my roommates in the kitchen.

“Hey, girl,” Avery said. “Haven’t seen you all week. How you doing? Did you see they posted grades last night?”

I groaned. “No, I haven’t checked yet.”

Inside, I knew how badly I had been dreading this moment. If I didn’t pull a certain GPA, I would lose everything I worked so hard for. I hadn’t opened up to anyone about how real the fear was. I’d been beating myself up for not taking classes more seriously, and even while facing pretty certain doom, I couldn’t bring myself to look. No matter how honestly I’d tried to examine the situation, I couldn’t come up with the reasons why. It had never been like me to blow off commitments, and this would be a real black eye if I lost my scholarship.

A few loose threads were forefront in my mind, but I was too much of a coward to pull on them. If my current plan unraveled, where would that leave me? They were consequences I couldn’t face emotionally or even rationally, so I’d been burying my head deeper and deeper in the sand and trusting the universe to right the ship.

Guess I was about to find out how that approach worked out for me. I made my shake even though my stomach had completely turned inside out and trudged back to my room and opened my laptop.

The four items on my desk were in perfect alignment to the edges of the desk and to each other. I had developed a handful of odd rituals throughout my day and had to ensure everything was just so, especially before tackling something so uncertain like viewing my grades.

Control became a big issue for me as a very young child and manifested in my daily life with these routines. Only the people closest to me identified the habits while everyone else just thought I was a neat freak. People didn’t understand that my brain truly believed if things were in their rightful physical place, everything else would line up too. Conversely, things out of place guaranteed utter chaos in my world.

And how’s that working out for you?

My sister’s bitter voice played on a loop in my mind as I waited for the school’s website to load. It was exceptionally slow today. Likely every other student was trying to log on at the exact same time I was.

I took a long pull of the chalky drink on the cork coaster and wiped the condensation off the outside of the glass with the sleeve of my hoodie. Of course there was a spec of residual protein powder somewhere on the glass, and now there was a brown streak on my white sleeve.

“Goddammit,” I mumbled as I inspected the stain. Making a mental note to pretreat the smudge before throwing it in my hamper later on, I refocused on my computer when the screen flicked to the university’s homepage.

I logged in through the student portal and sat through the loading process once more. Scrolling through the website to the grades, my heartbeat pulsed in my ears. I took a few calming breaths and clicked on my name.

And the world came crashing down around me.

Three of five classes failed, and the two I passed were with low B’s. Immediately I slammed my laptop closed and rested my forehead on the cool brushed-metal case.

How could this be? Now what? My parents are going to flip their shit.

Maybe I could appeal to the professor of the class I nearly passed. Or offer to do extra credit or be her assistant or something? Maybe if I explained my sports scholarship was on the line, she would show me some grace. It was only two points, and I either botched the final or was missing an assignment. I had calculated my average in that class just a few days ago and thought I would pass.

I had to do something. That much was clear. For now, though, I curled up on my bed and pulled the chunky throw blanket from the foot up and over my head. All my energy leaked out in persistent tears as I lay there hiding from the world.

There was no way I could go home. I’d rather bribe a top-level school official than do that. Hell, I’d rather do almost anything than go back there.

A soft knock on my door woke me hours later. The sun was far off to the west side of our little house, and my room was dark. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, not even my roommates.

“Clem? You awake?” Grace’s voice came through the door.

Without making a sound, I lay there praying she’d go away. But no, I couldn’t be that lucky. My door slowly opened, and the creak it made at the halfway point bounced around my quiet room.

I still had the blanket over my head, so I watched her through the loose-knit fabric as she peered into my dark space. How she knew I was awake, I’d never know, but she stepped into the room and quietly closed the door behind her.

“Hey, you okay?” she asked softly and sat down on the edge of my bed. She rubbed her hand along my blanket-covered thigh as I pulled the thing away from my face.

“My grades are really bad. I’m so fucked. I don’t know what to do. It’s my own doing, but I can’t pack up and go back home. I just can’t…” The last part came out on a broken moan. My emotions got the better of me again, and the tears were back. I rarely cried in front of people, so it said a lot about how much I trusted this girl to be so vulnerable in her presence.

“How bad is really bad ?” she asked, turning to face me fully. She continued to rub my leg, and I wanted to kick her to make her stop.

I wasn’t a touchy-feely girl, and even though there were several layers between my skin and hers, it felt like sandpaper on the side of my thigh.

“I failed three,” I croaked. “Please stop rubbing my leg. Sensory issues and all.”

She immediately pulled her hand away. “Sorry. Habit.”

“No, you don’t have to apologize. They’re my screwy issues, not yours. I know you mean well.”

“There has to be something you can do. Will you lose your scholarship? You helped the team secure a great record this year. That has to mean something to the school, right?”

I shook my head. “I really don’t know. I’ll have to talk to my coaches and maybe to Professor Jones to see if there’s anything I can do at this point.”

“Those are both good ideas. Do you want me to go with you for moral support? I’d totally do it.”

“Nah, I got myself into this mess. I need to get myself out of it. Or try to, at least.”

“This is such bullshit. You can’t tell me all those dumb football players are passing their classes. With how often they party and ditch class? There’s no way. I’ll bet professors overlook a lot of shit for them.”

I loved this girl so much. If I did have to leave school, I’d miss her and Avery so much. I’d never had friends this close in my whole life. Each new thing I realized I’d be losing made the tears come hot and fresh.

“I’m sorry, honey,” she said and reached out toward my shoulder to comfort me again. When she realized what she was doing, she quickly pulled her hand back before making contact. “Sorry.”

I chuckled. “Stop apologizing. I should get over these stupid hang-ups I have and interact with people like a normal friend.”

“Normal is way overrated,” she said with a sideways grin.

“Amen,” I said and perked up a bit. “How were yours? Your grades?” I finally asked after selfishly monopolizing the conversation.

Grace looked sheepish like she didn’t want to admit what she’d achieved.

“Tell me!” I insisted. “Give me something to be happy about.”

She ducked her head into her shoulders and said, “Three A’s, two B’s.”

“Good for you! I’m so proud and happy for you. Especially Calc. I know that was a hard class for you.”

“Thank you,” my friend replied shyly. “What do you think happened? With yours, I mean? You’re so smart. There’s no way those shitty grades reflect your abilities.”

With a shrug, I said, “Don’t know. I think it was just too much. The demands of the team and a full load. I probably should’ve only taken twelve units instead of fifteen. It probably would’ve made a big difference.” I thought a moment longer and added vulnerably, “It was all more than I was prepared for.”

Grace gave a nod—more like a sage elder than a college roommate—but she seemed to understand all the same. “Well, I really hope you don’t have to leave. I’d be so sad without you and your smart ass around all the time.”

“Good to know.” I chuckled and gave her a playful poke in the ribs. “Tell me another good thing. I need to get my head out of this funk.”

She perked up at the invitation. “I met someone,” she began without waiting more than three seconds. My guess was she was waiting to tell me, but lately we just hadn’t spent a lot of time just talking.

“Oh yeah?” I asked. “Where? What’s he like?”

“He’s actually my lab partner,” she said and looked down at her delicate hands twisting in my blanket.

“Why are you saying it like that? Like you’re embarrassed.”

She lifted a shoulder. “I don’t know. He’s not my usual type, I guess. He’s a little nerdy. But there’s just something about him.” She grinned from one ear to the other. “He makes me laugh—like, all the time.”

“My favorite thing in a guy.”

“I know, right? I truly care less about looks if the personality is great.”

“Same,” I added. Not that I’d even come close to landing a boyfriend since I’d arrived in San Diego. Hell, at this point, I’d settle for a half-assed date and a quickie.

“What’s his name?” I asked, hoping to keep the spotlight on her.

“Martin,” she sighed and then giggled. “Even his name is nerdy.”

“It’s not that bad. Probably a family name. Although can you imagine holding a little baby and cooing how precious little baby Martin is?”

We both cracked up at the imagery.

When our laughter fizzled out, we sat quietly.

Finally, Grace asked, “What about you? Got anyone on the hook? Any prospects?”

I shook my head. “Haven’t been going out much. I’m always so tired from practice. Plus homework.” I sighed and slumped back against my pillows again. We’d basically gone in a circle, and I was out of things to say.

She stood and pinched my toe under the blanket. “I need to get a move-on or I’m going to be late. We’re having dinner tonight. I think this may be the night…” Her face turned a delightful shade of pink.

“Well, good luck. Make him work for it at least.”

“Always!” she said brightly and was out my door in a few strides. Before closing the thing, she stuck her head back in to keep the conversation between us.

“Don’t stress out too much, Clemson. I’m sure it will all work out.”

I gave her a forced smile, and she was gone.

Damn, do I hope she’s right.