Chapter 1

Chapter One

Clemson

Careful what you wish for.

Damn. Those words held more meaning now than ever. And as a serial daydreamer, always looking for the next great thing, that was saying a lot. I was never happy with what I had or who I was with. I was always chasing the newest idea or hottest trend, even when I should have been perfectly content with the status quo.

But now I was deeply concerned I’d bitten off more than I could chew. Or at least more than I wanted to chew.

My mom had always described me as a restless soul. She might have been on to something there, but honestly, it just sounded like she was making excuses for my flightiness.

One time, when they didn’t know I was steps away from entering the room, I heard my dad asking her if she had considered having me tested for ADHD. From what I knew about that diagnosis, that shoe fit perfectly.

So it was no small accomplishment that I stuck to this packing task long enough to shove the last box in the hatchback of my little car, dust my hands off on my cut-off jean shorts, and send up a quick prayer that the back would actually close.

As I suspected, it stopped just short of the latch when the window came up against the last box. I’d be back over the holidays for a three-week break, so if I needed anything in that last cardboard cube, I could replace it when I got settled or bring it back with me for the second semester.

Aggravated, I grabbed the box, tossed it onto the garage floor, and kicked it along the concrete until it was out of the way.

I didn’t have a lot of tolerance for emotional exchanges, so the teary faces staring back at me on the driveway irritated me more than touched me. Why were they crying? My parents didn’t actually like raising children—or at least that was the impression I got from their disinterest in nearly everything I did. I know my four sisters had versions of that sentiment deep in their hearts too.

I was bitter, but as far as the outside world knew, I was the happy-go-lucky youngest Farsay girl. Now I couldn’t wait to get the hell out.

I pulled out of my childhood home’s driveway for what I hoped would be the last time in a long time. Once I got settled in my new place in San Diego, I didn’t have plans to return until the end of the year when the first semester was over.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about the whole adventure ahead, though. I was attending a private university in one of the finest cities in the country and already had a lot on my plate. Since I was on a sports scholarship for swimming, I had to maintain my grades and perform in peak shape for the school’s swim team. Swimming had been my top priority for so long, it didn’t really seem like much would change.

Academics were my least favorite part of life. I was too restless to sit in class listening attentively. My mind wandered from the inane to the profound and no matter what self-help tricks I employed, it never changed. Now that I was eighteen, almost nineteen, I could look into some other avenues for help that my parents weren’t on board with.

If there was a known medication that could help me focus, why wouldn’t I take it? It was just like my performance in the pool. If there were things I could do to clock better times, of course I’d do them. This seemed like the same theory. Yet my parents steadfastly refused to medicate me throughout grade school and high school, and I was convinced it had more to do with the perceived indictment of their parenting than concern for me.

So damn selfish.

The drive to San Diego was just about two hours. I didn’t want a big emotional scene with my family dropping me off, so I chose to go it alone. Plus, it would be handy to have a car on campus. I had been messaging my two new roommates, Grace and Avery, over the summer, and we had so many plans already in the works. I couldn’t wait to get there and get on with it all.

Our parents collectively found a small house for us to rent right near campus. We were able to walk to class if we wanted, but two of the three of us were bringing cars. We’d done a deep dive into the nightlife scene in the city, and let’s just say it was abundant. With a handful of military bases and colleges in the city, the demographics were heavily in our favor. The retailers, restaurants, bars and clubs knew it too, so they geared their businesses to the young adult crowd.

Avery’s older brother graduated from our school the year before, and he hooked her up with a contact that could supposedly get us fake IDs. Obviously that was one of the first priorities on our household to-do list.

I didn’t party too often in high school but knew college life would be entirely different. My older twin sisters just graduated from a university near our house but never partied that much either. Having to return home to Mommy’s house after tying one on didn’t seem too fun, so I got it. Watching their abbreviated college experience helped me decide to go to a school far enough away that I could do my own thing but close enough to head home if I had to.

Though I had no intention of doing so.

I had been down to the house twice over the summer to get a feel for the layout and claim one of the bedrooms. We each had our own but had to share two bathrooms. After living in a house with six women and one common bathroom, this would be a piece of cake.

“Honey, I’m home!” I called out as I lumbered through the front door with a bag on each shoulder.

Avery and her parents were unpacking groceries in the kitchen, and she shrieked when she saw me.

“Finally! You’re here!” she shouted and launched her tiny little body toward me.

I had a large duffle bag on each side, so she nearly knocked me to the ground when all the weight of the load shifted.

“Can you greet me like that every day?” I teased as she detangled her body from mine.

“Absolutely!” she beamed, and we both laughed.

I was so lucky to have found these two girls to live with. The school had set up a website for potential roommates to find each other, and the three of us connected in just a few days.

Currently, we were all biology majors, but Grace was already second-guessing her decision. We assured her she had plenty of time to figure it out. The first two years were mostly general-education classes anyway. That seemed like enough to calm her anxiety—about that topic, at least. She moved on to the next stressor within minutes, and we talked her off that ledge too. The girl worried way too much, and since I was the complete opposite, I usually ran point in talking her down.

“Is Grace here yet?” I asked, and Avery shook her head before I finished getting the words out.

“Not yet, but I got a text from her earlier saying they got off to a late start this morning. I think her mom was having a meltdown again,” she explained with a hearty eyeroll.

We already knew the girl got her dramatics from her mother, so I could just imagine what the farewell scene was like at her house.

Made me think of my own send-off again. I was lucky my parents both dragged themselves out to the driveway to half-heartedly wave as I drove away. If I had to deal with an emotional breakdown at every life event, I would’ve left years ago. Or maybe that was what I told myself to ease the pain of feeling like no one truly cared.

“Do you want some help bringing your stuff in?” my new friend asked.

“That would be awesome, but if you want to spend time with your folks before they head out, I get it.”

But she pushed me toward the door with her hand low on my hip. Under her breath she commented, “They’re making me crazy. Maybe they’ll get the hint that we just want to get settled in, and they’ll take off.”

I gave one curt nod that I heard her message loud and clear, and we both headed back outside into the glorious Southern California sunshine.

“Maybe if they leave early enough, we can hit the beach,” she said. “We have days to unpack before classes start.”

As tempting as the idea was, I had to burst her bubble. Or at least deflate it a little bit.

“Not for me,” I said. “Classes start Monday, and it’s that stupid PE requirement, of all things. The professor actually emailed a list of supplies to bring to the first class and threatened he’d be checking everyone’s locker to make sure everything’s there.”

She snorted when I added that last part. “And we thought we were finally free of the micro-managing.”

“Girl, I don’t know when or if that ever really happens. I mean, think about it. The next four years are going to be spent bending over backward to please professors just to graduate and enter the workforce and then be in the same situation with an employer.”

I probably sounded bitter—or negative at the very least. But I spoke my truth.

“Wow, Clemson. Way to paint a picture of sunshine,” my roommate bemoaned.

With a shrug, I said, “Just calling it like I see it.” If nothing else, the people around me could always count on that.

After several trips back and forth between my designated bedroom and car, the heat started taking its toll. Avery’s parents finally said farewell, and the house was quiet as she and I flopped down on the sofa we all pitched in to buy.

“Damn! This thing is actually pretty comfortable. Impressive for an online purchase,” she said.

I agreed enthusiastically and added, “And the color is way better than what it looked like on my screen.”

“I think if we add a chair, maybe here ”—Avery leaped to her feet to point out the spot she had in mind—“and one over here .” She paused a moment, looking back and forth between the two areas. “That would really balance out the room. Don’t you think?”

“Duuuude,” I dragged out in perfect SoCal fashion. “Not my wheelhouse. You guys can totally do what you want with the decor in here. As long as it’s clean and fairly tidy, I’m good to go.” I knew my sense of style was lacking—to say the least. But I did have standards when it came to organization and cleanliness.

Finally, our third roommate trudged through the door. The poor thing looked like she had been in battle and not in the back of a luxury sedan for the couple of hours’ drive.

Avery and I shot each other concerned looks and then wrapped our new friend in welcoming hugs.

“You okay?” Avery asked before I could.

Grace just gave a quick nod and dashed a look over her shoulder to see if her parents were behind her yet. “They’re driving me nuts. Please don’t encourage them to stay any longer than necessary.” She volleyed a pleading look between Avery and me.

“We got you,” I assured her with a quick squeeze of her hand.

Her little mitt was ice cold, and that didn’t add up with the outside air temperature.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” I muttered for her ears only.

This time when she met my waiting attention, her eyes were filled with unshed tears.

Well, shit.

I hated when people cried. It was such a huge turn-off. I wanted to bolt from the room and let her get her shit together on her own. I grew up in a household with a very dramatic sibling, so I was conditioned to respond to emotional expression in a very uncompassionate way.

Despite knowing this, I couldn’t change the habit. It was like my body was reacting on its own. If I got my mind involved, I could rationalize that it was reasonable to offer the person kindness and understanding, but when left on autopilot, I just wanted to bolt.

I tilted my head slightly to ask her to explain, but her parents barreled through our front door, and she snapped her attention their way. Her entire demeanor changed like a digital filter was applied to her physical existence. Now she was bright and cheerful. Positive and upbeat.

It was fascinating to watch—in a disturbing way—but I’d never witnessed anything like it. Even my sister Agatha’s similar way of handling things couldn’t compete with Grace’s skillset.

“Girls!” her mom proclaimed in a loud, singsong voice that actually gave me the chills. Apparently putting on masks was a family thing.

Avery and I both shrank back from the woman while Grace intercepted her exaggerated energy.

“Mom, Jeeezus. So loud,” she groaned.

“Oh, nonsense, darling. I’m so excited. This is such an exciting day!” the woman nearly shrieked. Her voice was like nails on a chalkboard, and I couldn’t decide if it was the extreme volume or lack of authenticity that irritated me more.

“Tell me everything! Have you met your neighbors? Are there cute boys next door? Are you girls planning on rushing? Oh my God, I remember my first year of university like it was yesterday!”

“University?” her daughter scoffed with sky-high skeptical eyebrows. “Mom, be real. People say college in this country, and you know it. Especially in the deep south where you went to school.”

Her mom turned stern in a heartbeat. “Don’t be sassy with me, young lady.”

My roommate said nothing and picked up her suitcase and headed toward her room. Fortunately, her mother followed right behind her with a much smaller bag rolling behind her, leaving Avery and me staring at the now-closed door.

“Not my monkeys, not my circus,” I mumbled and set the stuff I was carrying outside the door.

Avery and I lugged all the stuff Grace’s dad proceeded to dump inside the front door down the hall to her room. By the time her mother emerged, she had to carefully maneuver her body through the stack to get back into the living room.

We gave them privacy to have their final goodbye by camping out in my room. I unpacked my clothes while Avery spread out on my bed and prattled on about the guy she left behind when leaving for San Diego.

Apparently the guy was heading across the country to attend an East Coast school, and they were sad to say goodbye but knew staying together wasn’t right for them either.

“The minute you spot a new one, you’ll forget all about him,” I assured in support.

Her deadpan stare made me quickly scan what I had just said, though, because her facial expression was anything but confident.

“Sorry?” I croaked.

“You are not,” she teased back, instantly lightening the mood in the room.

“Seriously, I meant that in a supportive way, not an insensitive one. I’m sorry if that came off as rude.”

She waved her hand in my direction. “I get you, Clemson. Don’t stress about it.”

I smiled her way and ducked as far as possible into my closet to hang up a few tops and breathe a little. The odd emotional ups and downs of this day were exhausting me.

Grace wandered in and sat down on the brightly colored area rug in the center of my room. She dropped her face into her palms and shook her head from side to side.

“Ohhhh my God, that was every bit as bad as I expected it to be. Now do you see what I’ve been talking about? She’s so embarrassing.” She lifted her face from her cradled palms and looked between us with pleading eyes.

“Nah, she just loves you. It probably seemed worse to you than it really was,” Avery assured her.

I had to ask… “Did she chew your ass when you guys were in your room with the door closed?”

“Of course she did. So ridiculous,” she muttered and shook her head again. “But I learned how to block her out a long time ago. Just plain survival.”

“You know, she did get me thinking…” Avery began.

“Uh-oh. That’s dangerous,” I teased.

She pulled a face in my direction. “Let’s go introduce ourselves to our neighbors. Maybe they’re some hot upperclassmen.”

“Okay!” Grace agreed and bolted to her feet in one easy move.

“Count me out,” I said, and they both looked at me like I’d just sprouted a second head. “What?”

“Why don’t you want to?” Avery asked.

“Because I’m not chasing after any guy—ever. If they want to meet me, they can come over and introduce themselves on my turf.”

“Hmmm, you have a point there,” Grace said.

“That way you establish control from the beginning. I’m no man’s doormat,” I proclaimed. Was I curious about our neighbors? Of course I was. But I also firmly believed in keeping the upper hand in a relationship.

I was raised in a household where my mother was so subservient to my father, it made my skin crawl. I never said anything to her because she was happy as a clam in that role. Some women were. It just wasn’t my comfortable space.

“I’m going to finish unpacking and breaking down these boxes so I don’t miss tomorrow’s trash pickup. We don’t have the extra room to have all these empty boxes lying around.”

“Good call,” Grace agreed first. “Right after we go meet the neighbors.”

“I like the way you think, girl,” Avery said and offered her raised hand for a high-five.

Grace smacked her palm and said, “Let me go freshen up, and we’ll go.”