Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

Clemson

The next two months went along the same. I’d made the deadline to enroll in classes, and took one less than last semester, when I got into trouble with the workload. I was back on the active roster with the team because my GPA was back where it should be, and we were training hard for our first meet of the season.

Juggling my time between Luke and Brian became easier than I expected. Luke and I were sleeping together routinely and having more fun than should have been allowed. He was so easy to be around, and he always put my needs first. If I told him I couldn’t do something because of school or swimming obligations, he always understood.

It made it a little too easy to use that excuse, especially when I was spending time with Brian. Another tick in the guilt column for my conscience to wrestle with, but I reminded myself it wouldn’t be forever. I planned to see Brian until the end of the school year, assuming things were still going as well between us, and then I’d end our arrangement.

Other than the lump sum for tuition, I never brought up money again. He was more than generous with gifts, though. My closet was now a playground for my roommate to share, and even my jewelry box had a few new additions. More than anything, Brian wanted to have a dependable date on his arm for the many social functions he attended for his business.

I almost always started my day with a sweet little text message from him, bidding me a great day and, if we had been out the night before, a genuine thank-you for spending time with him. He made it so easy—much easier than I’d thought it would be in the beginning. I would really miss him when it was over.

The big issue remained keeping it all from Luke. Though Brian and I never did more than kiss, there was a nagging feeling in my heart that I was doing something wrong.

By Christmas, I was more than ready for the semester to be over. I needed a break in my schedule because my tank was running on empty.

My relationship with Luke was going great, but I felt some pressure about taking things to the next level. He routinely mentioned my moving in with him, and while it seemed a bit premature for someone my age, I had to remind myself how much older than me he was. It was a natural place for him to be. Not to mention, he had an impressive list of reasons for why it would be in my favor. I couldn’t really argue with the man. He’d put together a very convincing argument.

But before I took a step like that, I had to come clean about Brian. There was a solid amount of anxiety about that, and I prayed it wasn’t going to destroy our relationship. The reasonable side of my brain had me convinced he would understand the means justified the ends, but the more emotional half of my noggin spun me up in near panic that I would lose everything we’d built over the past months. I wasn’t ready to risk that, so I kept on the same path I’d been on.

Grace excitedly burst through the front door with a big box in her arms. “Guess who this is for?” she asked in a sing-song voice.

“You?” I teased, having gotten a little too used to stuff showing up on our doorstep from my sugar daddy. Eeewww, I really despised that terminology. It made me feel gross, and I avoided using it at all costs.

She gave an impressive eye roll and dropped the box with a thud on the table where I was doing homework. When I didn’t leap out of my chair to open the thing, she huffed out a loud sigh and stared at me.

“Aren’t you going to open it?”

“Yes, but I want to finish this assignment first.”

“Oh my God, you’re impossible!”

I loved her enthusiasm, but I really didn’t need the distraction at the moment. My grades were my first priority these days, just like I vowed they would be. No matter how many beautiful things were sent to my house, or how many amazing experiences I had been afforded because of this guy, school came first.

“He must need you for a date,” Grace said, tapping on the box. “That’s when these things show up.”

I sighed and looked up at her again. She wasn’t going to stop until she saw what was inside, so I gave in to satisfy her curiosity.

“He did mention a holiday gala or something like that,” I said, adding to her excitement.

She was about to say something until I stood to get the little box cutter we kept in the kitchen junk drawer. The brat knew she got her way, judging by the triumphant smile plastered across her face.

“Do you want to do the honors?” I asked, offering her the knife.

“No, it’s for you. You should open it. Are you getting bored by this glamorous life?” she asked, watching me carefully open the package.

“Not at all. I’m just trying to stay focused on school until after finals. I will never put myself in this predicament again. Ever.” I motioned to the box that represented the entire sugar-dating situation.

Inside the cardboard cube and tons of tissue paper was another rectangular box. It was a shiny, sturdy, white cardboard with a wide red satin bow. I recognized the name of the shop from other things he had sent in the past and knew immediately it would be a dress of some sort. I wasn’t sure if he picked these things out or if Lindsay did the shopping as well as scheduling, but someone had exquisite taste. They also nailed the fit every single time. I hadn’t visited a tailor yet and didn’t suspect I would have to with this piece either.

I pulled the ribbon to unknot the bow, and the satin material pooled on the table around the box. Grace was leaning over the surprise so closely, her head was blocking my view, and I nearly smacked her in the face when I lifted the lid off.

“Oh, sorry,” she said and backed up a bit.

“You’re adorable. You know that?”

“I’m not going to lie, Clem. I’ve been living vicariously through you on this journey.”

The dress was breathtaking. Well, the fashion masterpiece could only rightfully be called a gown. It was a dark-forest green with crisscrossing straps at the neckline.

“Oh, shit,” my roommate gasped. “That is gorgeous.” She reached for the dress, and I let her have it. She held it up to her body, and it unfurled to the ground.

“Are there shoes in there?” she asked, stretching her neck toward the open box. It wouldn’t be the first time a complete ensemble arrived. I dug through the tissue paper in the big box and found a smaller box that contained a pair of metallic heels that were, of course, in my exact size.

“Definitely going to have to practice in these babies,” I said, eyeballing the heels. I was a sneakers-and-Uggs girl, and those shoes looked like the Italian equivalent of size-nine torture devices.

“Your body in this dress, and your legs in those shoes…” my mini hype team of one commented while pointing at each article. “He’s not going to know what hit him.”

“You’re the best friend, you know that?”

She stopped shuffling about and stared at me. “I love you like a sister.”

“I love you too,” I said, and we hugged with the gown and shoes crunched between us. Quickly we separated, though, so as not to wrinkle the delicate fabric.

“Let me hang this up so it doesn’t get messed up,” I said and reached for the dress she still held.

“You’re not going to try it on?” she asked, almost alarmed.

“Later, after I shower. I don’t want to get it gross,” I explained and went to my room to hang the new dress in my closet. I pulled my phone out of my jeans’ back pocket to send a message to Brian.

Before sending it, I yelled back to Grace, “Was there a card in the box?”

I heard her shuffle through the tissue paper.

“I don’t see one,” she called.

So I sent the message I had composed.

Thank you for the beautiful gown. It’s stunning. Do we have a date?

Sometimes hours passed between messages, but I understood he was busy. It never bothered me because of the expectations established in our agreement.

About thirty-five minutes later, I was back in the books at the kitchen table when my phone vibrated in my pocket. Expecting to see a message from Brian, I was surprised to read it was from Luke.

Hello, beautiful. Check your calendar for the eleventh. I have a company thing I’d love to take you to.

After a quick check of the calendar, I texted him back that I was free and would love to go with him. We had hung out with his friend Liam and his newest girlfriend a few times in the past month, and I really liked her. Hopefully, they would be going too so it wouldn’t be so boring and uncomfortable for me not knowing anyone.

When he responded, he was so excited, but also a bit nervous sounding. If that was a vibe you could get from a text.

Awesome! I was hoping you could join me. One downfall, possibly… It’s a formal event. Do you have a gown? If not, I’d love to take you shopping. Please don’t feel stressed about buying something. I really want to do this for you.

You’re so sweet, but believe it or not, I actually have a few formal things in my closet. We should be good!

Great! We can talk about the details later. I’m about to go into a staff meeting. XO

I smiled while reading his message but got back to my homework. I was nearly done and starving. Practice that morning took a lot out of me, and I felt like I was in recovery mode all day. Just as I was packing up the books and papers I had spread all over the table, I got a message from Brian.

Yes, we do. Next Saturday, 12/11. I may have to send a car for you, not sure on the details yet. Can’t wait to see you in that dress.

Goddammit! What kind of bullshit luck was this? And who do I turn down now? I already knew in my heart who would be going to their event solo, and it broke my heart into tiny pieces. The closer we got, the harder it was becoming to let him down. Plus, I really loved spending time with Luke.

But the bottom line was that I owed Brian. I owed him big time. If it weren’t for him, I’d be living under my parent’s roof, a college dropout, and probably working some shitty part-time job I hated.

He was the one who would get my company on the eleventh.

I waited until the next time I saw Luke to tell him I wouldn’t be able to be his date for his company event. He was as heartbroken as I was, and no matter how many ways I tried to persuade him to let me make it up to him, he wouldn’t drop the sour mood.

We had a quick dinner and spent the rest of the evening snuggling on his ridiculously comfortable sofa.

“I have to be honest with you, Clemson,” he said solemnly during a commercial break of our latest television obsession.

The man was just like me when he found a series he enjoyed. He wanted to hunker down for the next few days and eat while we lounged around and binge one episode after another.

I couldn’t be sure what set me on edge more. The words he’d said or the tone of his voice.

I gave him my full attention by turning toward him as I sat up from the comfortable lounging I had been doing.

“I don’t always feel like a priority to you,” he continued. “And I would like that to change.” He swallowed so hard, the muscles in his neck flexed.

“I-I-I’m sorry you feel that way,” I croaked. My normally deep, assertive voice ran to hide in the corner somewhere as that squeaked past my lips.

I immediately wanted to commit to doing better, to show him how important he was to me, but all the words got stuck in my throat. Like cars trying to merge on a freeway packed with stand-still traffic, everything bottlenecked before coming out of my mouth.

So what did I do instead? Broke down in tears. Something I prided myself on rarely doing. Especially in front of others. I was so embarrassed the way my emotions completely took over the situation, I buried my face in my palms to hide.

A nagging voice in the back of my head reminded me I knew this was coming. No person handles being second best for an infinite amount of time. At least no one worth partnering with, in my experience.

“I’m sorry,” I finally choked out. “I never want you to feel that way.”

The moment the tears began to fall, he shot to his feet. Clearly, messy emotions made him as uncomfortable as they made me. But the way he bolted from my side instead of comforting me stung.

In all the time we’d been seeing each other, I could guarantee he never saw a single tear shed by me. One day at the shelter I was really close, but the scene at that place would tug at anyone with a freaking beating heart. He had to know this wasn’t me grandstanding to get out of a tough conversation.

I tried again, “I’m really sorry, Luke.”

With a heavy sigh, he dropped back to the spot he had vacated beside me. He looked frustrated now, and truthfully, I didn’t like that response either. I was offering a sincere apology. Why was he acting like I was annoying him? My temper began to stretch her sleepy legs and did a few pre-game stretches.

After a deep breath, I asked, “Is this because of the Christmas party?” Before he could answer, I repeated the original story I’d spun when I’d canceled on him. “When the team has certain functions, they make it mandatory we attend. There’s literally nothing I can do about it. I wanted to go with you. I was looking forward to it. Honestly.”

“It just seems like everything else comes before me. Sometimes I feel like I don’t really have a girlfriend—just a woman who spares me some time here and there.”

I reared back. “That’s not very fair. Or kind. I’ve been upfront with you from the beginning about the obligations I have.”

I reminded myself to keep my volume down. With the alto voice I had, volume seemed to be the one aspect of it I could control. No matter the emotion I was feeling, my voice grew louder. I often ended up coming off as angry regardless of how I was feeling inside.

Luke nodded. “You have. But I’m getting tired of it. I’m just being honest with you, Clemson.”

“Where is this coming from? For weeks, I thought everything was fine. How long have you been feeling like this?” I shook my head, at a complete loss at how to handle this.

“For a while. I think I want more out of this”—he motioned back and forth between us—“than you do.”

“That’s not true. You don’t get to tell me how I feel.”

“And how do you feel? You never really talk about how you feel about me. I want to tell the world I’ve fallen in love with you, but I’m afraid it will send you running,” he said, raising his voice.

“You don’t have to raise your voice. I’m sitting right here.”

“See what I mean? I say that, and you comment on my volume. Not that you’re in love with me too. Not that you’ll make more of an effort.”

I just stared at him. I wasn’t ready to tell him I loved him. Hell, I wasn’t even sure if I did. This was more than I could deal with at the moment, and I was starting to feel like a cornered animal.

I stood up and brushed my hands down my jeans.

“Where are you going?” he said, voice changing again. Panic made his eyes shift back and forth.

“I think I should go. We both need to cool down, and I don’t want either one of us to say something we don’t mean.” I found my bag on one of the kitchen chairs where I set it when we first got to his place that day. “I’ll call a ride from downstairs. Don’t worry about taking me home.”

This was another reason I hated going places with people. When something shitty happened and you had to bolt, you were stuck at someone else’s mercy. Well, I’d be damned if I asked him for one more thing when he was already feeling like he was giving so much more to me than I to him.

“I’ll call you later… Or tomorrow,” I added, forgetting it was already late.

I left before he could say another word.

Not that he tried, though. He stood in the middle of the entryway and watched me leave. Never tried to stop me.

Downstairs, I waited for a car to arrive. The app said someone was just minutes away, but it was too cold to wait outside the building. Luke’s doorman thought he was being inconspicuous with his glances in my direction, but I watched his reflection in the mostly glass lobby. I was too angry to cry now, so I just kept checking my phone to count down the moments until I could get the hell out of there.

From the back seat of the silver sedan that rescued me, I texted Grace and filled her in on what had happened. She was on a date earlier that evening but was already home. Guess things didn’t go as planned for her either.

She met me at the front door with a bowl of ice cream in her hands. Bless her soul, it was exactly how I wanted to drown my sorrow at the moment. Two scoops of vanilla ice cream covered in chocolate syrup was exactly what the love doctor prescribed. We sat on our sofa and quietly ate our feelings.

“What happened to your date?” I finally asked. “You got home pretty early.”

She shrugged. “He was nice enough. There just wasn’t anything there. After the movie, we both agreed to call it a night. I’m glad now, though, so I was here when you got home.”

I ate the last spoonful of melted ice cream and clutched the bowl in both hands.

“What about you?” she said. “What do you think is really going on with him? Seems like that came out of nowhere.”

I nodded. “I don’t know. I mean, I’m glad he told me how he’s feeling. It just makes me sad. I thought things were going so well between us. He said he’s been feeling this way for a while. I don’t really know if I can give more than I’ve been, though.”

“I’m sorry, honey. I know how much you like him.” She collected our bowls and took them to the sink.

“He said he loves me,” I admitted quietly. “Why do men always go and ruin things with those three stupid words?” I asked and held one of the decorative pillows to my chest.

“At this stage in your relationship, does it really ruin things? I think a lot of people would think it’s the natural next step.”

“I’m not going to be bullied into saying something I don’t mean.”

She nodded slowly. “Fair enough. If it’s not there, it’s not there. Maybe that’s what he’s been picking up on.”

“But it is there. I just don’t think it’s time for those kinds of commitments. How can I be in love with him while I’m actively dating someone else?” I whined, finally bringing up the part of all this I didn’t want to get into.

“Maybe it’s time to end things with Brian. If you want to save what you have with Luke, I mean.”

I cradled my face in my hands. “Ugh, I don’t want to deal with all this. This isn’t the way I planned for things to go.”

I felt the sofa cushion sink down as Grace took the spot beside me. She rubbed my back with her little palm while I continued to hide my face. “Don’t you know things don’t usually go as planned? At least in my experience they don’t.”

Finally, after quiet minutes passed, I lifted my face. “I’m going to go to bed. Maybe this will make more sense in the morning.”

“That big formal thing is tomorrow, isn’t it?” Grace asked.

“Ugh,” I said after her reminder. “Maybe I can pretend to be sick and skip it. I’ve never canceled on him.”

“And he’s paying you not to cancel on him. Maybe it will give you the opportunity to talk to him about an end date for all this. Then you can put more effort into what you have with Luke.”

As I headed to my room, I said, “Or maybe I should end things with Luke and just do the simple no-feelings-attached thing with Brian. It’s easier, no one is falling in love, and when it ends, no one will be hurt.”

“I’m glad you’re telling yourself that,” Grace said. “I don’t believe it for a second.”