Chapter 4

* * *

ALEC

Alec staredat his cell phone, his heart breaking all over again and almost texted Willow back. She was so cold, so bossy sometimes, and wasn’t hearing him half the time. He didn’t want someone in his life who could only spare part of themselves.

Except she decided to take his feelings, crumple them, and chuck ‘em right over her shoulder on her way out the door. No, he couldn’t handle this right now.

“Alec, the spaghetti is ready… Honey? Are you okay?” his mother asked worriedly, stepping from the doorway toward him. He had been heading over to join her for dinner when the first text had nearly brought him to his knees.

Willow was still saved on his ‘Favorites’ and had a folder of their old photographs on his cell phone. He pretended not to know who it was because he was in shock that she still had his number, too.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he said hoarsely, looking at his mother and held up his hand to stop her in her tracks. “I’m not feeling well.”

“Are you all right, baby? You look like you are about to…”

“I’m fine,” he interrupted, turning away quickly.

Alec began jogging back to his little ‘house’ at the back of the property. He was barely in the door when he broke down. He slid down the back of the doorframe, hung his head on his knees, and threw his cell phone across the room – sobbing.

He wanted love, a soulmate, just like anyone else. That passion, that spark, that feeling of whole when you looked in someone’s eyes – and he had once thought that they had something magical between them.

He thought that he had that feeling with Willow and had been so very wrong.

“Alec? Alec? Are you okay, honey?”

He heard the knock and knew she was worried. His mother had always been able to read him like a book. She was probably thinking, wondering, moving those mental chess pieces in her head. By this time tomorrow, everyone in Ember Creek would know that he was upset about something. He loved his mother dearly – but boy, could this town gossip something awful!

“I’m fine, Ma.”

* * *

Another three months later,Alec wasn’t fine.

He was a mess.

Being ‘okay’ was relative.

He was relatively sure that he was falling apart. Willow’s text message had gutted him months ago. He couldn’t seem to get past it either. He kept looking at their discussion via text message, feeling guilty that he’d kept shutting her down – and even worse when she finally acquiesced. She did as he asked and felt like the biggest heel.

It was the exact opposite of what he wanted. He wanted to have a relationship, to be close to her, to have open discussions where he could find out what exactly happened, how she had been, had she dated anyone, did she miss him— all of that – and he’d shut her down, like a moron.

He was distracted, temperamental, moody, and snapping at everything or everyone. Avoiding his mother’s prying questions was only going to last so long. He had a permanent case of indigestion, probably an ulcer, and couldn’t sleep unless he was falling down exhausted.

Like today.

Alec slept two hours last night before coming in to work this morning. Nothing like a flaming house fire to start the day off wrong. You know, screaming people outside, nosy neighbors gawking. Oh, he loved the aggressive ones that got out a water hose to try and ‘help them’… ya’ know, protecting the important stuff like their wooden privacy fence or their kid’s treehouse in the backyard. Never mind that someone’s entire life was going up in flames like his was being flushed down the toilet, second by second.

Wheeeee, he thought flatly, pressing his lips together.

Yeah, things were really bad at work. Their old engineer had quit and Colton stepped up, but that pulled him from the front lines. Their captain had quit and he wasn’t really comfortable it just being the three of them on the scene.

“Hey, Cortes… you guys take the roof and check it out.”

“No mice up there, bro,” Alec taunted pointedly, picking on Lance and pounding his hand against Colton’s as the two chuckled easily. The man rolled his eyes and started up the ladder.

Alec grabbed his pike, jumped and wiggled in his gear, testing fit and getting the feel of the tank on his back after being off a few days. He was wobbly on his feet anyhow due to exhaustion and sure didn’t need to fall backward off the ladder before the spectators.

The two cleared the roof of the brick building and began using their pikes to test the surface. They weren’t up there for two minutes when everything fell apart in front of him. There was a weird feeling of awareness slamming into his head the second that he shoved the pike down… and it plunged through the roof.

Uh oh, he thought instantly and screamed.

He wasn’t paying attention and had just made a stupid rookie mistake that was going to cost him his life. Every muscle in him seized, bracing himself as the roof gave underneath him.

This was it.

It took less than a second.

Alec barely moved his arms upward fast enough to make contact with the ring of rotted wood that was forming around him, just as he slipped into oblivion like a ton of bricks. Every four-letter word went through his mind within a second as a silent scream. He expected the pain to rocket through him as he plunged into the flames, mentally prepping himself to be burned alive.

If he were lucky, the impact would kill him or break his spine, so he couldn’t feel anything as he died a horrible and fiery death.

Oh my gosh - I should have talked to…

And he… bounced?

His body slammed into something and bounced so hard it was jarring. Several vertebrae popped loudly in his head like he was at the chiropractor and he immediately wiggled his toes to make sure he could. He could taste blood from where he bit his tongue and didn’t care.

He was alive – and not frying in his suit.

“ALEC! ALEC! CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

Poor Lance was freaking out, and he could hear it in his voice, but the breath got knocked from him. Priorities, bro, hold tight, he thought wildly, trying to drag oxygen into his lungs and looked around. He was in the dark and had landed on something soft. A bed?

“Alec! ALEC!”

“Ohhh man…” he whimpered, staring up at the blinding hole that was almost glaring from his perspective. He could see the sunshine, smoke wafting upward through it, and the occasional shadow of someone’s big ol’ noggin. Goodness, Lance had a big ol’ pumpkinhead nearly blocking out the sun like an eclipse… and let out a nervous giggle, relieved to be alive.

“Alec?! Oh my gosh, man – are you okay?”

Poor dude was panicking, and honestly, that made him feel good to know that someone besides his mother would care if he died. He wasn’t sure if Willow would or if something else would be more ‘important’ to her. That thought stung painfully, and he heard the fear in Lance’s voice again.

“This is not what I imagined the first layer of hell to look like… and frankly? I’m severely disappointed. Where’s the hookers?” Alec teased breathlessly, trying to let the poor guy know he was okay in the only way he could – by cutting up.

Alec grinned at Lance’s nearly hysterical giggle that he didn’t even bother to try to hide – followed by Colton’s voice. That was really sweet. The big lummox left the truck for him? These boys were gonna make me all stupidly emotional at this rate, Alec thought.

“You big nitwit,” Colton muttered loudly. “Are you hurt?”

“Just my pride… There’s either a bed under me, or I landed on a trampoline in the middle of this room.”

“Thank God for it too… that was probably a ten-foot drop.”

“Felt every inch of it, too. Sir, can I get a new pair of trousers? I think I messed myself,” Alec admitted, wriggling around in his pants to check because the uncertainty was there. It would be hard to explain to the chief. He could imagine ol’ stuffy Reese’s pained expression as he made this face… but hey?

He’d at least be alive to ask for new britches!

“I think Lance needs a set too.”

“Not gonna lie, Fischer,” Lance guffawed nervously, his adrenaline still running high. “That is a distinct possibility.”

“So, three pairs of pants, some baby wipes, a good stiff drink, and I bet you’d like a ladder at some point, Beckett?”

“Ya’ know… we could have a little fun with this. Why don’t I run out the front door screaming so a few of the onlookers mess themselves too?” Alec grinned and slowly rolled over off his back.

“You are one sick puppy…”

“Arf, arf…” Alec barked openly, not bothering to hide the relief he felt. All three men began chuckling in relief and awareness that this was the weirdest conversation to be having on the scene of a fire. Only to have three PASS alarms start sounding.

“Let’s get moving, or it might be four pairs of pants if we include the chief,” Colton said bluntly. “Look, always check your surroundings, and don’t go rushing into danger carelessly. I like you and really need you to not get yourself killed under my watch – okay, Smartmouth?”

“You talking to me?” came Alec’s voice from below. “Hellooooo? Fellas?”

He stood there in the dark, wincing. Oh yes, he was going to feel this after he had a chance to sit down for a bit. He could hear them talking up there and really didn’t relish the idea of being down here much longer.

“Guys?”

Silence.

“I’m fine,” he hollered upward sarcastically. “Don’t worry about me. I’m perfectly okay limping out of here in the dark, you know? I mean, it was sweet of you to check on the condition of my pants, but there are other parts attached to them that are a little rattled from plunging to my near death, but I’m good – don’t you worry.”

Alec made his way blindly through the room to the faint glow in the distance and found a window. He claimed he was ‘good,’ that things were ‘fine,’ but they were anything but that. He was completely reeling and trying his best to keep it together while everything in his head, heart, and soul was falling apart slowly.

His last thoughts before he thought he was going to die weren’t the regrets of his mother hearing the news from the chief. It wasn’t letting the team down, how they would react to finding his charred body, or even the things that had been left unsaid between him and Willow.

No, his final regrets were that his mother would never hold her grandchild. In that second, the regret splintering through him was more painful than any feeling he’d ever had. He would never hold his own child. There would never be another Beckett in his family.

“I’m fine,” he said hoarsely, blinking back the stinging tears and blaming it on the scare, the fall, the smoke… anything but facing that hard fact that had slapped his soul into reality.

The truth was that he had no clue how to even reach Willow anymore. He couldn’t see a relationship with her or anyone else and was too proud or stubborn to open that doorway between them.

* * *

If the fallhadn’t been enough, apparently, this shift was out to destroy his psyche. Facing Willow was his ‘Ghost of Christmas Past.’ The fall had knocked him right into the ugly face of ‘The Ghost of Christmas Future’…with a future that was pretty bleak. Apparently, ‘The Ghost of Christmas Present’ was going to be the feisty Mrs. Kendall, he realized as they pulled up to the woman’s house.

“I quit,” Alec said bluntly, looking at all four grinning faces staring at him. He held up a middle finger and slowly moved it around the cabin, putting it in each of their faces, causing them to laugh. “Oh wait!” – and held up his other hand, making the obscene gesture. “Look, it”s my two-seconds notice! How ‘bout ‘dem digits… eh?”

“That guy’s got a smart mouth,” Chad chuckled, looking at Justin, his new captain – who was grinning like a Cheshire cat, nodding.

“He’s smart – with a big mouth. Not exactly sure about combining the two, but c’mon, Alec… and shake a leg in those sassy pants, brother.”

“You go,” Alec said mulishly.

“Dude, we are doing just like the other team and taking turns,” Lance retorted. “If I switch with you, you aren’t going to want to go next time either.”

“Nope. Colton…?”

“No. Take your licks…”

“UGHHH?!” Alec said, horrified, making a face and shrinking back from the doorway. “You think she’s gonna lick me? Did she lick you last week or something?”

“It’s an expression – and no. She never acts up around me. Talk to her, be nice, and you’ll be shocked at how kind she can be.”

“Kinda kinky… and kinda gross?”

“Alec, she’s sweet…”

“I heard cyanide is too.”

“BECKETT, MOVE YOUR BUTT OUTTA THE TRUCK!” Justin snarled. “We’re on a wellness check call, and if you are refusing to do your…”

His captain didn’t even have to finish the sentence. Alec shoved open the doorway, muttering and grumbling under his breath, before marching up to the front door.

“I bet the ‘Prune Goon’ is lying on the floor with some slutty satin get-up, all sprawled out. I don’t see Big Bad Boss Man getting outta the truck, oh no. Not him. He gripes and moans about how hard it is to handle us. Swooping in like an avenging angel yesterday doesn’t give him the right to be so crabby or boss people around and…”

“You know I can hear you, Beckett,” came a voice in the radio – and Alec turned to wave at the truck without answering. Anything he said at this point would only incite violence, and he wasn’t in the mood for it.

“Mrs. Kendall, E.C.F.D… just as you demanded. It must be Friday in Hell, and I, the biggest imp of them all, am apparently your obedient servant today. Light the pyres and get the sage. Wheeeeeee. Go me,” he retorted glibly and heard chuckling on the radio. “’Sacrificial Lamb Beckett’ is going in…”

Hearing silence, he opened the front door and stopped.

Mrs. Kendall was sitting there on the couch with a blanket over her lap – and had two cups of coffee waiting on the end table beside her.

“What am I, chopped liver?” Alec retorted. “No satin? No lace? No saggy boobs flopping every which way to Sunday? Does this mean I’m not getting frisked or fondled today?”

“Sometimes a girl just isn’t in the mood,” Mrs. Kendall said flatly. “You boys at the station are hard to please sometimes, I swear. Everyone nags me about the lipstick, the hugs, the muumuus, or comments on my curlers, but the one time I try to be nice? – It just bites me right on the buttocks and not in a good way.”

“Is there a good way?” Alec chuckled, thoroughly amused at this unexpected side of his mother’s friend and vastly relieved. He could handle sass and a smart mouth.

“If you are doing it right, yes. Now, sit down for a few minutes and let those other cretins stew in their britches. How are you doing, kiddo? I haven’t seen or heard much of you around town, and your mama is worried. What’s going on with you?”

Alec accepted the cup of coffee that she pointed at – and sat down with a heavy sigh on the couch nearby. He didn’t know if it was because his guard was down with her actually being ‘real’ around him, if it was lack of sleep, the entire debacle with Willow, or yesterday’s belly flop through a roof… but for the first time in his life, the words just came out.

Pouredout.

Niagara Falls had less pressure flowing than his mouth did. The words flowed out of him as Alec stared at the cup in his hands and unplugged his radio.

“I’m falling apart,” he whispered hoarsely, looking at her – and then his eyes widened as if he realized what he’d actually said aloud. “Please don’t say anything to my mother or anyone else. I don’t need the questions, people prying, or the gossip. I just need…”

“You need someone safe to talk to,” Mrs. Kendall said gently. “You want a cookie, honey?”

“Are they laced with drugs?”

“Nahhhh, I keep all my snort, blow, and meth in an underground bunker with a padlock. But on Friday nights, it gets really freaky around here, and we break out the ‘big guns’ - Wheel of Fortune and my bed at seven p.m.”

Alec gave her a nervous smile, realizing she was teasing him back – and saw her leaning over over to lift a glass cloche, pointing at the cookies. He plucked one and didn’t bother to ask what it was because it didn’t matter. He felt like a young lost boy who just wanted a cookie, his mama, and to make the bad guys go away.

“Spill it, kiddo…” Mrs. Kendall smiled softly. “Nothing leaves this room.”

“I fell through a roof yesterday and…”

“Are you hurt?” she blurted out, looking concerned immediately.

“My pride,” he chuckled, looking at her briefly. “But something else too – and I don’t know how to even begin. Did you ever have a moment in your life that felt so pivotal, like nothing was going to be the same from here on, but it hurt at the same time? I mean, people always say, ‘If I had a chance to do it all over again’ – although I’m not sure if I would.”

“That’s because they’ve never had something vital or precious ripped from them before you were ready to say goodbye,” Mrs. Kendall said hoarsely, making him look up at her – only to see her eyes were glassy with emotion. “No one knows how hard it is to have your life that you thought was in control, suddenly flipped like a pancake… and what you thought was going to happen – didn’t. It was like Fate said to Karma, ‘Hold my beer,’ and your whole world goes from Terrific to Tragic within seconds.”

“Yes…” he whispered in shock.

“And you are left standing there, wondering what just happened, and every ounce of your being is screaming in pain silently because there aren”t enough words to describe it.”

“That’s exactly it… and I don’t know what to do, where I went wrong, or what I said. All I know is that every time I say something, reach out, or even think about opening that doorway where I know I’m going to get roasted or broiled emotionally – everything in me screams out in protest, silently. My mouth starts running. I start physically leaping away, and that’s the opposite of what I should be doing… but it’s so hard,” he admitted, his voice quiet. “I keep seizing up, and it’s getting me nowhere – robbing me of other things that I desperately want.”

“Like what?”

He let out a weird laugh, half-choking, and half-sobbing, looking away from her and trying to pull himself together mentally.

“Alec, I promise you are safe. It’s just you and me, kid.”

And that was all he needed to hear. That ‘dam’ in his soul was already springing leaks everywhere, and he couldn’t plug them fast enough. No, everything was coming out whether or not he wanted it to.

“When I fell, all I could think was that I would never have a future, never hold my own kid, never ask what happened – and that realization hurt so much,” he whispered hoarsely, putting down the half-consumed cup of coffee because it was rattling against the saucer, his hands were shaking so badly. “I’ve never experienced fear, regret, or horror like that before – and I can’t seem to shake it.”

“You want a future for yourself, and that’s natural.”

“I want to mend the past, figure out what I did wrong so I can fix it, and move beyond this hurt inside of me. There must be something awful within me that made her run…” Alec got quiet, looking at Mrs. Kendall, who handed him a tissue. “I should go.”

“You should take a moment for yourself to breathe,” Mrs. Kendall replied gently. “They’ll knock on the door or barge right in when they are worried about you. Trust me on that one.”

Alec plugged in his radio for a moment and gave them an update quickly to prevent either from happening. “Guys, I’ll be out in a few,” he said simply, pulling the cord again.

“Good for you, Alec,” she praised knowingly. “Look, I had a long hard discussion with my past recently, and while things aren’t back to one hundred percent, they are better now. Communicating with someone you love is…”

“Whoa – I never said…”

“Hush, boy. Don’t interrupt your elders,” Mrs. Kendall snapped at him, and Alec immediately clammed up out of respect, just like his mother taught him his entire life. “As I was saying, communication is hard with someone you care for because it’s intensely personal. It’s normal to be afraid of rejection, fear of loss, or even more pain. But if you don’t take a chance, then you’ll always wonder or regret things.”

“I should be going,” he whispered, knowing she was right. Slowly looking at her, he saw the approval in her eyes.

“Just try to be open to talking when the time comes… okay?”

“We are not having this discussion – and this goes no further. Got it?”

“Of course not.”

“Thank you.”

“What are you wearing under that uniform, young man?” she replied, wagging her eyebrows at him – and Alec stood up, grinning and feeling a little better after the talk combined with her acting ‘normal’ now.

“A well-oiled, chiseled birthday suit, complete with no tan lines.”

“I always liked you, Alec.”

“Thanks – I think.”

“Go on and get outta here, you rascal.”