Chapter Thirty-Three

Pasha

Raymond's untimely demise came as a shocker. I felt for his daughter, who had lost her father, and his parents, who had lost their son. But I couldn't find it in my heart to feel any remorse for him. I also didn't have the energy to focus on him at all. Today was Saturday, the day of my baby's funeral. All of my focus and energy had to pour into that.

When I went to bed last night, I was unsure how I would feel in the morning. I thought I would be overcome with emotion. I thought I would wake up in tears and not even want to go to the ceremony. However, what I woke up with was peace. There was comfort in knowing that my son was finally going to be laid to rest. There was comfort in knowing I had a place to visit him with my parents.

I spent the night at Callum's. The morning was a quiet one. I was sure he didn't know what to say to me, but he expressed his love in subtle ways. There were the forehead kisses, the gentle hand squeezes, and light hugs from behind as I got ready. Currently, I was in his bathroom, putting the finishing touches on my makeup.

When I finished, I closed my eyes and said a quick prayer. I asked God to continue to give me the strength to make it through today. I was thankful for Callum and his initiative in this process. The trip to the funeral home to inquire about an urn vault took a lot out of me. When he volunteered to take over the rest of the planning, I didn't stop him. I needed him, and he unselfishly provided me with his time.

The funeral home had provided a beautiful powder-blue marble vault for my baby. Inside, his remains would be safe from moisture or any disturbances in the ground once he was laid to rest. As Dr. Thomas said, they offered me the service for free, expressing their deepest sympathy for my loss.

Opening my eyes, I looked at myself in the mirror. It was time. After taking a deep breath, I left the bathroom and walked into the bedroom. As I made my way into the living room, I could hear voices. When I rounded the corner, I was surprised to see all of Callum's friends, Bella, Martin, and Precious, all dressed in black. When they noticed me, everyone stood. Callum came to me and reached for my hands.

"I hope you don't mind, but they all wanted to support you."

I looked around at everyone. I didn't mind them being here at all. Their support touched my heart.

"Thank you," I said softly.

Precious, Armani, CJ, and Evan approached me with flowers. I stooped down to take them and hugged and kissed them on their cheeks.

"Thank you."

They all kissed my cheek before returning to their parents. I made my rounds, greeting and hugging everyone.

"Are you ready?" Callum asked.

I nodded. We all left the house and dispersed into our respective vehicles. Avyn and the girls were meeting us at the cemetery. I settled into the soft leather seat and closed my eyes. For the duration of the fifteen-minute drive, I stayed like that. I just needed a moment to myself to mentally prepare for what I was about to do.

Callum alerted me when we pulled up to the cemetery. He got out of the car and walked around to my side to let me out. The funeral home director was already waiting for us. I watched as he opened the trunk of his SUV and pulled out the vault housing my son. My heart fluttered. This will be the last time I ever got to hold him.

"I need a minute," I said, looking up at Callum.

He nodded and let go of my hand. I made my way over to the director. He offered me a warm and sympathetic smile.

"Good morning, Ms. Brooks. It's an honor to be able to do this for you."

"Thank you." I hesitated for a moment. "Can I hold him?"

"Of course."

He gently placed the vault into my hands. The moment I held it, I felt a heavy weight in the pit of my stomach. Tears sprang forward to my eyes. Bending down, I pressed a kiss on top of the vault.

"I'm not ready to say goodbye to you, but I know this is something I have to do. You have your grandma and grandpa, and there's no need to be afraid. I know they're gonna take good care of you. I know they'll shower you with all the love I wish I could've given you.... I need you to know that I love you and am sorry you couldn't be here. You can finally rest now."

Again, I kissed the vault before placing it back into the director's hands. Walking back over to Callum, he received me with open arms. For a few moments, he held me and gently rubbed my back.

"Are you ready?" he asked softly.

I nodded. He grabbed my hand, and all of us followed behind the director. As we neared the plot where he would be buried, I noticed a group had gathered. Not only had my girls shown up, but their families had shown up as well. All of them held roses in their hands. Pastor Richards, who'd given my parents' eulogy, stood in front of the plot. My heart swelled once again. The love being shown today was unmatched. When we came to a stop, Pastor Richards came to hug me.

"I'm so sorry for your loss, Pasha. I had no idea."

"Thank you, Pastor."

He kissed my cheek before reclaiming his spot. The funeral director placed the vault on the small table. Everyone grabbed a spot in the available seating. Once we were all settled, Pastor Richards began. He spoke about God's love for us and the love we should have for each other as his children. He talked about grief and how we couldn't allow it to consume us. Then he said something that made perfect sense.

"Grief is a form of love. It is the pent-up love you can no longer give or share; it is the loss of the love you can no longer receive."

That summed up exactly how I felt. It was devastating carrying around love for someone who wasn't here to receive it. Of course, there were ways to express that love in other ways, but it would never feel as good as it would if that person were physically here. I listened with an open heart and tried to soak up the words. I knew I'd forever feel this pain, but if I could leave here feeling a little lighter today, that meant progress.

When it came time to place the vault in the ground, I held my head high. I wouldn't cry at this moment because this was what I'd wanted for my baby. Callum squeezed my hand as he'd been doing every so often throughout the service. Pastor Richards asked us to bow our heads as he led us in prayer.

"Lord, I ask for comfort in this young mother's pain. Bring her an abundance of your healing mercies. She may grieve because she cannot see him any longer, but we know to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. We rejoice, knowing that little Jordan feels no pain and bears no sickness. He is at peace with his Heavenly Father. I ask that you cover Pasha in your love. Let her know that your grace and mercy are everlasting. In Jesus' name, we pray. Amen."

"Amen."

Everyone stood while I remained seated beside Callum, who held a protective arm around me. One by one, they greeted me with love and condolences. Avyn's parents were the last to come to me. They had been like my second family practically my whole life. Mrs. Timmons reached for me, pulling me into her arms. She embraced me in a motherly hug. I hadn't had one in so long, and to receive it from a woman who had been like a second mother to me was overwhelming.

That was the moment I broke. My tears and cries came in full force. My knees felt weak, but she held me up like only a mother could.

"It's okay, baby. I've got you, and God's got you."

For the longest time, she held me, whispering prayers over me. Mr. Timmons gently rubbed my back in a soothing manner. When I finally composed myself, his wife held me away from her.

"We love you, Pasha. We've always loved you, and you will always have a family with us."

"Thank you," I whispered.

"We have something for you," Mr. Timmons said.

He stepped behind my parents' graves and stooped down. When he came back, in his hand was a beautiful marble slab with my son's name, sunrise, and sunset engraved on it. There was also a little teddy bear etched into it. Mr. Timmons was a mason. The fact that he did this meant so much to me.

"This is... beautiful," I whispered.

"We wanted you to have something to mark his burial plot," he explained. "I wasn't sure if you would get a headstone, and I know those things take time. So I got right to work when Avyn told us about the service."

"Thank you. You don't know how much this means to me."

He placed the slab in a chair and pulled me into a warm hug.

"I'm so sorry, baby girl," he stated. "I know you would have made an excellent mother. You had to parent my hellraiser throughout your friendship."

That made me laugh a little. "She's not so bad."

He pulled away and kissed my forehead. "Everybody is welcome to come to our house for the repast. We've taken care of food and everything."

"Thank you both. You didn't have to do that."

"No, baby." He cupped my face. "You should be around people who care about you today. Your mother and father would have done the same if it were Avyn in your shoes."

I nodded. "They would have. They loved her."

"And we love you." Mrs. Timmons gently rubbed my arm. "I'll let everyone know. You take as much time here as you need."

"Yes, ma'am."

They both hugged and kissed me once again before leaving me. I reclaimed my seat next to Callum. I rested my head against his shoulder, and his arm immediately came around me.

"Thank you for all you've done," I said softly as I watched the digger fill the small hole.

"There is no need to thank me. I love you. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you." He kissed my temple.

"Can we stay here for a little while?"

"As long as you need."

I rested against him. We stayed until the last dirt was placed on the plot and smoothed over. The director picked up the marble slab and put it on the grave. I stood and walked in front of all three plots. Three-fourths of my heart was buried here. I would never understand why it had to be them. I'd never understand why they had to go, and I was left here to fend without them... but I was still here.

I had to live for them if I couldn't live with them.

I still had life. I had love in abundance. I may have been bruised. I may have bent, but I wasn't as broken as I once thought. The good Lord had kept me for a reason. It was my time to make the most of this life I had left.

More people than I expected were at the Timmons' home.

In addition to the family that came to the service, many of Avyn's aunts and cousins were at the house preparing food before we arrived. They all greeted me with open arms and warm hugs. I was taken care of from the moment I stepped into the house. I couldn't move unless someone were there to ensure I didn't need anything.

"Everyone is so nice," Callum commented.

"They are. It's been like this since I met them. When my parents passed away, Avyn's family was right there to help me grieve." I looked around at all the people. "This is what I miss. To be surrounded with unconditional love and support."

"Well, you have a chance to have that back," he stated, kissing my forehead.

"I have to get it back. You know what I realized while I was away? I needed to do part of this journey on my own to prove to myself that I was strong enough. But just like it takes a village to raise a child, it also takes a village to heal. I don't want to be broken, Callum. My grief and depression took over so much of my life. I don't want it to have that kind of power over me moving forward."

"I have faith in you, baby. Where you fall, I'll be right there to pick you up. You have me for as long as you want me."

"I don't think I could ever not want you, Callum. You've been a blessing since day one. I don't know if we were meant to cross paths, but I'm so grateful that you were the one to rescue me that night. You are the best type of unexpected gift, and I love you so much."

I pulled his head to mine and kissed him passionately. It was a brief kiss because the sound of someone clearing their throat interrupted us. We looked up to see Mr. and Mrs. Timmons. They took a seat across from us.

"Pasha,... I don't believe you introduced us to your friend here," Mrs. Timmons said with a smile.

"Oh! I'm so sorry. Mr. and Mrs. Timmons, this is Callum Ellis, my boyfriend."

Callum extended his hand. "It's very nice to meet you. We didn't get a chance to be formally introduced earlier."

"It's nice to meet you," Mrs. Timmons said. "My daughter told me what you did for Pasha. Thank you for being here for her."

"No thanks are necessary."

"I guess I don't need to ask if he's good to you," Mr. Timmons said.

"He's very good to me," I confirmed with a light smile.

"Then he's okay with us." The smile slowly faded from his face. "We, um... We heard about Raymond. How are you handling that?"

"Honestly, it's sad that he lost his life, but I don't feel any type of way about it. It might sound horrible to say, but I dealt with enough from that man. He made life so much harder for me this last year and a half. I can't say I'm sad he's gone, but I can't give any of my focus to that. I'll pray for his family, but I left all of him behind the day I signed those divorce papers. He was dead to me long before now."

Mrs. Timmons nodded. "Well... I'm glad you're okay in that department." She reached for my hand. "Again, I'm so sorry about the loss of your son. You held it together gracefully today. It takes strength and courage to bury a child. No mother should ever have to do that. I'm so happy you finally got to lay him to rest."

"Me too. He's right where he should be... next to his grandma and grandpa. I felt so much peace this morning, knowing that they would be rightfully reunited. I couldn't have done this without Avyn and this beautiful man right here."

I grabbed Callum's hand and squeezed it. He blushed at me calling him beautiful, but it was true. He was a beautiful soul inside and out. I would always stand on the fact that God broke the mold when he created this man. I never expected to find love like this.... Not this soon and maybe not ever. He was everything I could ever want, but more than that, he was exactly what I needed, and to think I was afraid to let him pursue me. He gave me the courage to love him with how he treated me.

I wasn't sure how long I would have him, but as long as he was mine, I would love him fiercely, unselfishly, and with my entire heart.