Chapter Thirty-One

Pasha

I stood on the balcony of my hotel, sipping a glass of wine as I looked out at the ocean. The cool breeze and sunshine felt wonderful against my skin. For the last week and a half, I'd been down in Charleston, South Carolina, clearing my head and my heart. After signing my divorce papers, I immediately packed a bag and left the city. I desperately needed a getaway, even if it was only an hour from home.

I had planned to come here and release my son's ashes into the ocean. I walked along the beach the night I arrived to find a good spot. I'd said a prayer and tried to free his little soul, but I'd only been able to dump a small amount of his ashes. If I'd released all of him, that was it. I'd never have him close again, and I didn't want that. That night, I sat along the shore and cried my eyes out.

I knew letting go was hard. I knew it would be impossible to let go completely. But I didn't think saying goodbye would cause me so much distress. Since that night, I'd mostly been in my room. I practiced yoga and meditation. I prayed for strength and healing. My son's ashes sat in the urn on the desk next to my journal. I'd been writing in it every day. I wrote to my parents, my son, my girls, Callum, and myself.

Callum.... I missed him terribly, but I couldn't talk to him right now. I missed being in his arms. I missed his hugs and kisses. I missed his comfort. Every day since that night, he'd sent me messages telling me how much he missed me. He sent beautiful affirmations and words of encouragement. He pleaded with me just to hear my voice. It was hard ignoring him, but I needed my space.

Avyn only heard from me because I promised her I'd be in touch. I sent an "I'm alive, and I'm fine" message every three days. She has slipped in a few other messages, and I'd respond to what was necessary, but that was it. I needed to grant myself the peace by any means that had been disrupted the last few years of my life.

I left the balcony and headed back inside to the desk. After sitting, I went to my contact information and sent Dr. Thomas a video request. It was time for my therapy session, and she graciously agreed to do a virtual chat. The screen populated, and her face suddenly appeared. She held a warm smile.

"Good morning, Pasha."

"Good morning."

"How are you feeling this morning?"

"I feel okay. I was up at sunrise to meditate and do some reflective journaling."

"Meditation? That's new for you. How is that going?"

"Well. It's peaceful and helps to clear my mind, if only for a little while."

"How are you feeling after finalizing your divorce?"

I smiled softly. "Free. I know I shouldn't have confronted Raymond the other week, but I needed to get that off my chest. Even if he didn't care, it was important to me that he knew what he did to me and how he made me feel. Being free of him lifted a world of weight off my shoulders."

"I imagine so. Have you accomplished anything you wanted to do since being away?"

I sighed. "I'm becoming more in tune with myself, slowly but surely. I haven't cried in four days, so that's a plus. Um... I still haven't been able to let go of all of my son's ashes. I released a little, but I can't bring myself to do the rest."

She offered a sympathetic smile. "That's okay, Pasha."

"It haunted me for days, Dr. Thomas. I saw him in my dreams, and even there, he was dead. I touched him and held him. I cried for him the same as I did when they placed him in my arms in the hospital."

"Dreams like that have several meanings. I'm no expert in dream interpretation, but in your case, I think it means you have yet to let go of your grief. You have to find a healthy way to let go so that you can heal, Pasha."

I shook my head. "I can't let him go. He'll think I forgot about him. I could never forget him, Dr. Thomas."

"You don't have to forget him. But I can't imagine he would want his mommy to continue to blame herself. He wouldn't want you to walk around carrying all of this guilt. His death was not your fault, Pasha. I saw you throughout your pregnancy. You told me how careful you were about what you ate, how you exercised regularly, took your vitamins, and went to all your appointments. You were careful. What happened to him was a horrible accident, and there was nothing you could do."

Tears stung my eyes. "How do I tell my brain that? How do I let him go when I have nothing left of him but a few items from the hospital and his ashes? I wanted to bury him. I wanted a place where I could go visit him and sit with him like I do my parents."

"It's not too late to do that."

I shook my head. "I don't have the money for that. There's the plot, the headstone, fees... I can't afford it. I told Raymond I wanted a burial, and he told me it would be too much for me. It was what I needed, and he just ignored it because he didn't want to deal with me and my emotions.... He controlled everything. I was so stupid to stay with him for so long."

"You were dependent on him, and he knew that. Narcissists have a way of making you feel like you'll have nothing without them. But you are not under him anymore. You have your own now, and you did that. If you want to bury your son, you can do that now. Many funeral homes do this free of charge."

"They do? I didn't know that."

"I can give you a list of places I know that do the service. You may have to pay a small plot fee depending on where you want him to be, but you can bury your son in peace."

I began to cry. Had I known this information, I would have done it alone. My baby deserved to be laid to rest. I wanted him with my parents. I wanted him where the three people I loved most could all be together until I joined them in the afterlife. Dr. Thomas and I spoke for another thirty minutes before I got off the phone. After talking to her, I felt I needed to nap.

Getting up from the chair, I walked over to the bed and climbed under the covers. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I got a text notification. Picking up the phone, I saw that it was Callum. When I opened the thread, a voice message populated. I hovered over the play button for a moment before pressing it. His deep voice came through, and I could hear its sadness.

"Hey, baby.... It's day fourteen. I miss you, Pasha. My days and nights have all seemed to run together at this point.... I'm worried about you, baby. I know you told Avyn that you're okay, but I can't believe that until I lay eyes on you or at least hear your voice. Just please... Call me or come home."

There was a slight pause, and I thought the message was done until he said something I wasn't expecting.

"I love you, Pasha. That's not how I wanted to tell you, but I love and miss you. Come home."

My body shot up from the bed. I stared at the phone. Did he just say that? I pressed play again, listening carefully to the message.

"I love you, Pasha..."

"He loves me," I parroted.

My heart fluttered. I hadn't imagined hearing those words would make me feel so good. He told me he wanted to love me. If I was honest with myself, I was a little afraid of loving him. I was afraid to give my heart to another man and have him do what Raymond did... or worse. But Callum was different. His spirit felt different with mine. He was sweet, caring, loving, gentle, and so intentional.

I hated being away from him. It killed me not to speak with him. So many times, I wanted to pick up the phone when he called me. I knew I was wrong for shutting him out, but I needed this. If I knew his heart the way I felt it did, he would understand, and he wouldn't hold it against me. Still, hearing him tell me he loved me made me vulnerable.

I looked back down at the phone. With trembling fingers, I picked it up and pressed the call button. He answered on the first ring.

"Baby."

"Callum..."

"Baby, where are you? Are you okay? God, it's good to hear your voice, Pasha. I've been so worried about you."

"I'm okay. I just needed to get away and clear my head. I'm sorry I abandoned you—"

"No, don't apologize. You know what you need better than anybody. I can't hold that against you. I just... I miss you."

"I miss you too." Tears spilled down my cheeks. "Did you... Did you mean it? When you said you love me."

"Of course I meant it."

"Say it."

He didn't hesitate. "I love you, Pasha. I love your smile. I love your voice and the way you say my name. I love your eyes and the way you look at me so innocently. They make me want to protect you from all the bad in the world. I love the way your body feels in my arms when I hold you. I love kissing you, making love to you. I love your strength and resilience. With all that life has thrown at you, you're still here, and I'm so proud of you for still being here. I love your friendship with Avyn and how she's willing to go to bat for you every time. She's a little crazy, but they make the best friends."

I giggled when he said that. My girl had a few loose screws, but they were the reason I loved her so much.

"I'm in love with every part of you, baby," Callum said. "You never have to wonder about that."

"... Can you come to me?" I asked through my tears.

"All I need is an address, and I'll be there."

I quickly rattled off the name and address of the hotel along with my room number. The overwhelming need to be in his arms overtook me. How was I supposed to go about my day after he told me something like this?

An hour and forty-five minutes later, someone knocked on my door. After getting off the phone, I'd showered and washed my hair and was now dressed in biker shorts and an oversized T-shirt. I'd flat-twisted my hair and pinned it in a low bun. After checking myself in the mirror, I headed to the door. My hand lingered on the knob for a moment. With a deep breath, I opened it.

There stood Callum dressed in a pair of shorts, a T-shirt, and slides with a duffle bag in his hand. When his eyes landed on mine, he dropped the bag and pulled me into his arms. My hands went to his face, gently stroking his cheeks. I searched his eyes for any signs of anger or disgust. The only thing I saw in them was love.

"I love you too," I whispered. I pecked his lips. "I love you too."

I did love him. I loved him for everything he was and everything I was when I was with him. He'd been so good to me. He'd been patient, kind, and understanding. He's been a source of strength, a listening ear, and a shoulder to cry on. How could I not love him?

We shared a sensual kiss before I pulled him inside. He grabbed his bag and followed me into the bedroom. After dropping it next to the bed, he took my hand and pulled me out onto the balcony. Taking a seat on the chaise, he pulled me down between his legs. His arms came around my waist as he kissed my temple.

"I've missed you, love," he said.

"I've missed you too."

"How's your mental, baby?"

"I'm getting there, Callum. I've been allowing myself to just feel every emotion without fighting it. I think I've stifled a lot of my pain because I was made to feel ashamed of how I responded to it. The hardest part has been dealing with the grief of losing my son. When Eva revealed she was pregnant, it was like he grabbed ahold of me and wouldn't let go. All I have left of him are a few things from the hospital, a few pictures, and his ashes."

I paused for a moment and closed my eyes. I could feel myself becoming emotional. After a deep breath, I continued.

"I've gone through that box so many times. I've touched and smelled his things, and it never had a hold on me like it did this time. It haunted me for days. I couldn't eat; I couldn't sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw my baby's face. I see my parents, and they're both telling me I need to release them all so that I can really start to heal."

I sat up and turned to face him. He grabbed my hands and kissed them.

"I want to bury my son properly. I think if I give him a proper homegoing service, it will give me closure. Dr. Thomas, my therapist, said many funeral homes will do it free of charge."

"Really? I didn't know that."

"Me either. She said there may only be a small fee for the plot."

"I'll take care of whatever the cost is."

"I can't ask you to do that—"

"You didn't ask. I told you, whatever you need from me, it's yours. I don't wanna hear any protests. Please.... Let me do this for you. You want him next to your parents, right?"

"Yes," I whispered.

"I'll make it happen."

I looked up at him. Where had this man been eight years ago? Why couldn't he have been the man I ran into instead of Raymond? I might have saved myself from so much heartbreak. I often wondered where my life would have taken me if I'd never met Raymond. But on the other hand, I could have met someone worse instead of better. I could have been dealing with physical or sexual abuse on top of mental and emotional. Whatever the reason for Callum and me meeting later in life, I was grateful to have him now.