Chapter Eleven

Pasha

I looked around at my little apartment with a smile on my face.

While I still needed a kitchen table and living room furniture, it was already beginning to feel like home. I can admit that when I woke up this morning and came down here to do a little last-minute cleaning, the first thing I did when I walked in the door was cry. But they weren't tears of sadness. They were more like tears of joy. This moment had been a long time coming.

While Avyn said I could stay with her as long as I wanted, I knew I needed to kick-start my independence and get my own place. A place where I could call home. A place where I didn't have to worry about being put out of at the drop of a dime. This was my place of comfort and peace. At the end of a long day, I could come here and leave my burdens at the front door.

"I can't wait to see this place fully decorated," Blake said, throwing herself across my bed.

She and Tia had come over about an hour ago bearing bags of groceries to stock my fridge, freezer, and pantry. I couldn't believe how my friends had blessed me. They made it clear that they would be here for me. All I had to do was let them.

"It'll probably be a while, but the important thing is, I'm in here."

Tia embraced me for the third time. "I'm so happy for you, Pash. Your growth thus far has been beautiful. I know you're gonna come out of this stronger than ever."

I prayed for the same thing. I'd been wallowing in grief for so long that feeling happy was foreign to me. It heightened my anxiety, and the intrusive thoughts of something snatching this happiness away played in my head like a broken record. My therapy sessions were filled with tears, but Dr. Thomas was a godsend. She was as patient with me as she had been for years. She told me that slow progress was still progress, and I needed to believe I deserved my happy ending.

A knock on the wall broke my thoughts. We looked up to see Callum standing there with a smile.

"Pardon my interruption. I was just about to head out and wanted to say goodbye."

"Oh, okay. Well, let me walk you to the elevator."

I didn't miss the smirk on my girls' faces when I stood from the bed and walked out of the space. I followed Callum out of the apartment and down the hall to the elevator. He pressed the button and turned to me while he waited.

"Thank you again for all your help today," I said softly.

"It was no problem. Your place is coming together."

"Slowly but surely."

"You'll get there."

He stared at me for a moment, seemingly contemplating his next words. His hand went to the back of his head, and he took a deep breath.

"I, um... I was hoping I could leave you with my number personally. You know, just in case you ever need anything fixed or need a ride to or from work. I know you don't have a car right now, and it's a hassle asking for rides."

"Oh, um... Well, I worked my schedule around Avyn's, so a ride is no problem right now. But thank you."

"Okay." He nervously scratched his head. "Can I still leave my number?"

"Callum, you're a nice guy, and I appreciate everything you've done. But I'm just not ready to entertain another man. I don't know when or if I ever will be."

"I just wanted to offer you friendship. No pressure."

I was hesitant. I wasn't sure if having him as a friend was a good idea. Even though I told him I wasn't ready for anything, what was stopping him from pushing for something more? Still, he'd been such a blessing. I didn't want to seem ungrateful.

"Okay," I found myself agreeing.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone. After unlocking it, I handed it to him. He quickly programmed his number and handed it back to me.

"You don't want mine?" I asked.

"I'll let you be comfortable with reaching out to me. Whenever you feel like talking, I'll make time for you."

I nodded as I slipped my phone back into my pocket just as the elevator dinged. "Get home safe."

"I will."

The doors opened, and he stepped inside. I stepped back and watched as they closed on him before returning to my apartment. I walked in to find Avyn and Malcolm kissing in my kitchen. In the four months I had been staying with her, he'd been over weekly. For someone who was openly dating a few different people, he appeared to be her favorite. He seemed nice, and I couldn't fathom why she wouldn't commit to him.

I cleared my throat, causing them to part ways.

"My bad, boo," she said, wiping her mouth. "We got carried away. I guess it's time to take him back upstairs and reward him for a hard day's work."

"Please don't let me stop you."

She giggled. "At least you don't have to hear me anymore."

"I will not miss that. You get so loud."

She winked at me. "That's how you know he's doing his job."

"Baby," Malcolm said, elbowing her, "Pasha doesn't want or need to know that." He offered me a handshake. "Congratulations on the new place, Pasha. We're gonna get out of your hair."

Avyn pulled me in for a hug, squeezing me tightly. "I'm so proud of you and love you so much."

"I love you too, Avyn. Thank you for all you've done for me."

"No need to thank me. You're my sister. I'd do anything for you. I'm gonna miss you."

I giggled. "I'm only two floors down, girl."

"I know! But now, I can't just walk across the hall to your room. Don't be surprised if you wake up, and I'm in your bed."

"You're always welcome."

She kissed my cheek, then grabbed Malcolm's hand and left. I headed back into my bedroom space with Blake and Tia. The moment I stepped in, they looked at me with curious faces.

"Sooo..." Blake said, dragging out the word, "Where did you find that handsome hunk of man candy?"

"Who, Callum?"

"Um, yes! Girl, he's beautiful."

I rolled my eyes. "He helped me out a while ago. We ran into him in Walmart yesterday, and our big-mouthed friend accepted his offer to come help out today. Low key, she was trying to set me up."

Tia smirked. "Well, our friend has good taste. You deserve a little fun."

"I'll tell you like I told her, I'm not trying to see anyone. I just want to get my life together. He did give me his number and said he wants to be friends."

"Nothing is wrong with being friends," Blake said.

"What if he pushes for more?"

Tia pulled me to sit between them on the bed. She linked her arm through mine.

"There are good men out there, Pasha. Men who would respect a friendship until you feel like you wanted more or even if you didn't. You can't be afraid, boo. I know you don't want to spend the rest of your life alone. You're only twenty-eight. There is plenty of time. I just don't want you to go through the rest of your life being afraid of men and what they might do to you."

"I'm not just afraid of what they would do to me. I'm afraid of what I might allow."

Blake shook her head. "You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for, Pash. With everything you went through, you are still here, baby. I know you wanted to give up. I know you wanted to end things, but you fought it. You won the battle so many people have lost. I admire you for never taking that route."

They had no idea how many times I wanted to end my life over the years. There were times when I had razor blades to my wrists in the bathtub. There were times when I had a handful of painkillers ready to swallow. There was a time when I had a loaded gun to my head. I'd been so deep in my depression that I couldn't foresee any way out other than ending my life. Then I thought about my parents.

They would be so disappointed in me if I'd done that. I thought about my baby and how he wouldn't want his mommy to die because he didn't get to live. Even when I felt like I didn't have much to live for, I chose to live for the three of them because they couldn't live for themselves. My life as I knew it had ended, and now, I had a chance at a new beginning, and this one would be what I made it.

The sun peeked in through my window bright and early Sunday morning. My eyes slowly opened, and I looked around, remembering I wasn't at Avyn's anymore. There wasn't the sound of her gospel music blaring through the speakers. I laughed to myself, thinking of how she used to tell me she attended Bedside Baptist with Reverand Pillow. She maintained the idea that she was a holy hellraiser; she may be a sinner, but she knew God and had a personal relationship with Him.

Tossing back my covers, I stood and headed into the bathroom to relieve myself. When I finished, I washed my face and brushed my teeth. Heading back into the bedroom area, I grabbed my journal and a pen and went into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. While it was brewing, I threw two slices of bread into the toaster and cut up an avocado to top it. Once everything was done, I grabbed it all and placed it on the floor in front of my living room window. I opened the curtains to let the sunlight in before taking a seat.

After taking a few bites of my toast and a sip of coffee, I opened the journal to today's writing prompt. Write a letter of encouragement to your mind. I pondered the sentence. There were so many things I could say to myself. Taking a deep breath, I picked up my pen and began writing.

Dear Mind,

It's me, your human. I know we've been going through it for a while now, but things are improving. I know I haven't been kind to you. I know I've burdened you with so much, and it's been unfair. It's time we started taking in some of the encouragement given to us. We have to believe in ourselves. Take a look around. We aren't where we were four months ago. You need to know that your greatest gift is you. You have resilience that can't be broken, no matter how many times it's been tested.

You are uniquely equipped to carry your burdens. Trust yourself. You will let yourself down. You will make mistakes, but forgive yourself and turn your tragedies and failures into triumphs. Life may knock you down nine times, but you've got to get up ten and keep fighting. Persistence is key. You are not a quitter. You are not weak. You are not unworthy.

You deserve to embrace the fact that you alone control your life. You deserve to allow yourself to feel and be heard. There comes a point in life where self-loathing and self-doubt become torturous and no longer healthy. This is that point. Remember what drives you. Remember what makes life worth living, even in the worst of times. Take a deep break. Inhale. Exhale. You've got this.

Sincerely,

Pasha

I closed the journal and set it aside. That was the kindest I'd spoken to myself in a long time. It felt good and uplifting. I lifted my head toward the sun, allowing it to warm my face. Today was a brand-new day. Today, I would do something just for me because I deserve it and am worthy of having a good day. Pulling out my phone, I booked an Uber for pickup in the next hour. After finishing my toast and coffee, I put my dishes in the sink and returned to my room to find something to wear before hopping in the shower.

I took the time to cleanse my body and complete a makeup routine that I hadn't done in at least a year. I did my lashes and eyebrows and applied a light beat to my face. For my hair, I pulled it up into a sleek, curly puff atop my head and even added earrings. I smiled as I looked in the mirror at the once-familiar reflection of myself. I felt pretty, and that had become foreign to me. Going to my closet, I sifted through my clothes, determined to put on something other than sweats and an oversized T-shirt.

I settled on a pair of khaki joggers that hugged the curves I was trying to embrace, a white T-shirt that I tucked in, and my favorite pair of canvas shoes. Digging through my keepsake box, I pulled out my mother's silver necklace with a small diamond pendant and matching bracelet. I also pulled out my father's favorite wristwatch. They wore these when they passed away, and I hadn't had the heart to touch them since I placed them in the box.

The watch didn't work, but I didn't care. Today, I wanted to feel close to them, so I would proudly wear the pieces. Standing in front of the mirror, I looked myself over with a smile. I even snapped a picture or two because I felt that cute. Then the notification chimed, letting me know that my Uber was waiting outside. Grabbing my crossbody and keys, I headed out the front door to see what adventure awaited me.