35. Chapter 35

Chapter 35

My choice.

The longer Fyn touched me, the more I fought the urge to yank his clothes off and test how much I could actually feel. Maybe I could convince him to relax for a short time or a long time. I mean, this was his brother’s ship—he wasn’t going to kick us off if we holed up for a couple of days.

I moved downward until I brushed the outline of his cock in his pants. I chewed on my bottom lip, running my fingers over the growing bulge.

“Caleb,” he breathed, sounding heartbroken, not aroused.

I stalled in stroking him. “What?”

His eyes turned glassy.

“What’s wrong?”

Fyn straightened and shoved his hand into his pocket. “Yes, Dontilvynsan,” he said into the glowing touchstone. I didn’t hear the other end of the conversation, but I didn’t expect to. “I understand. We’ll be right there.”

“What’s going on?”

“Tatas is demanding your return.”

I was afraid of that.

“My brothers need us in Command,” he said. His tail flicked at me, and I followed him.

Command was alive with activity. Dontilvynsan was sitting on his stool with all of Fyn’s brothers and Monqilcolnen standing beside him. Dontilvynsan’s commander, whose name I hadn’t caught but she was rocking short black hair and dusty red scales, frantically moved her fingers over the console, and she wasn’t alone. Most of the crew was racing around or slapping their consoles.

“What is happening, Dontilvynsan?” Fyn asked.

“Tatas’s ship has powered their weapons. They are demanding Caleb’s return.”

“Caleb is not going anywhere,” Fyn growled.

Kal said, “We already know that, Bloom. He’s one of us.”

A warmth started in my chest, followed by the slow pound of my heart. Growing up, I’d had a close family, always surrounded by siblings and cousins. Now, I had another family. They couldn’t see me, and yet they accepted me, protected me.

It was fucking amazing.

I looked at each and every one of them, landing last on Fyn. I loved them, I loved him, and now it was my turn to protect them.

Stepping forward, I said, “I need to speak to Tatas.” When Fyn didn’t share my words, I peeked over my shoulder at him. His arms were crossed, and his expression was hard. He was afraid to lose me.

“Sunshine, I need to do this.”

He remained quiet, lips clamped.

“I heard your request, Caleb,” Dontilvynsan said, glancing at Fyn with a stern glare. “Commander Bimwoxcol, ping Tatas.”

“No,” Fyn protested.

Dontilvynsan didn’t even look at his little brother. “Your mate requested to speak to Tatas, and I will not silence him.”

“Thank you, Don,” I said, knowing he would hear my words echoed in Fyn’s mind. I glanced at my Fyn. “Trust me.”

“I do,” he said, “but I cannot lose you.”

“You won’t.”

We didn’t have another chance to speak, because Tatas appeared on the front monitor. Their jello form wiggled and swirled with color. While I didn’t know exactly what it meant, I guessed it was because they were upset.

“Caleb, you must return,” Tatas said.

“You can see me?” I asked.

They bobbed. “Yes. You must return. It is our duty to take you to the beyond. Your mind cannot be lost to the hive and future generations. You must return to the quagmire that will become the future.”

“No, I belong to Zoltilvoxfyn. This is my choice.”

“You are going to rip apart.”

Fyn’s breath caught and his arms moved around me. I hadn’t even heard him come up behind me.

“Yes,” I answered because what they said was the truth. I couldn’t deny it. Well, I could, but what would be the point? Tatas would know I was lying. Sunshine would know I was lying. Hell, the whole ship would know I was lying if they could see me. I was vanishing by the second. “I don’t care.”

Their form leaned to the side. “You do not care?”

“No. I never believed in the afterlife, so I’m not afraid to cease to exist. I choose to stay with my mate.”

“Your tie to reality.”

Fyn’s breath sharpened, and from the corner of my eye, I spied his tail thrashing.

“My tether.”

Tatas stared at me and the silence in Command swelled with tension. This was my choice, but in the end, if they threatened to destroy the ship, I didn’t know what I would do. Leaving Fyn would… I couldn’t even formulate the words, but I couldn’t allow him or the others to be killed.

They bobbed. “Your choice, but we fear you will regret it. You will be nothing, Caleb. You might wish to change your mind in the last moments, but when you become too weak for even your mate to see, it will be too late for you to move on.”

“I won’t regret it,” I said with complete confidence. Any day with Fyn was worth the price to be paid.

“You are out of our grasp.” They shifted to Kal. “We retract any offer of friendship. As soon as our ship is repaired, we shall return to our plane.”

“Understood. Should you change your mind, send a note.” Kal barely tilted his head to the side, acknowledging Tatas.

Without another word, Tatas disconnected.

Everyone in Command stared at Fyn, who had his arms wrapped around me. Of course, from their perspective, he was clinging to nothing but air. Kal, with Seth at his side, moved toward us, but Fyn stopped them. “I need to speak to my mate.”

“Take all the time you need,” Don said. “I shall have to remain here until the boobaas leave, but a shuttle can take you home as soon as you're ready.”

“We’ll stay with you,” Kal said, and Seth nodded.

Mindy piped up. “I’ll stay here too.”

“I can take you and Caleb home,” Monty said.

“Thank you.” Fyn headed out of Command, and I trailed silently behind him to the shuttle, wishing Tatas hadn’t said anything.

The entire flight back to Tamkolvanloknol I remained silent. Caleb tried to initiate a conversation, but not a single word came out of my tight throat. I was the reason he was here. I’d guessed it, but I didn’t know I was his tether—the one thing tying him to the mortal plane. He was being ripped apart, and he still chose to remain by my side.

Wave after wave of self-loathing crashed over me, making it hard for me to breathe. It was as if I was drowning. With every moment that passed, the cloud over me grew until I couldn’t see around me. A strangling pressure squeezed my chest and a ringing numbness filled every cell of my body.

I was causing my mate, my other half, to destroy himself.

I certainly wasn’t worthy of his loyalty or love. Caleb deserved to move on, but I desperately needed him to stay. Selfish, I knew, but the thought of continuing without Caleb bouncing by my side was too much. Yet that was to be my fate. Time would rip him from me, and I would never see him again.

If he moved on, I might see him someday or I might not. I had no way of knowing.

I leaned back against the bulkhead of the shuttle. What should I do? I knew the answer, but I did not like it. Caleb was mine and he belonged beside me, but he was mine. It was my responsibility to protect him, and how could I cause him harm? I was meant to shield him with every fiber of my being, yet I was the one hurting him. I had to let him go. He needed to move on, no matter how much it destroyed me.

When we landed on the palace shuttle port, I stepped outside into the bright light of Tamkolvanloknol, leaning into the ever- present wind. Caleb walked right beside me, without even a slight bounce in his step.

“Come, Mate.”

He bobbed his head.

I led him to our quarters; I didn’t want to have an audience for this conversation. I faced Caleb, and he shook his head. “What?” I asked.

“No.”

“I did not say anything.”

“You don’t think I know you, Sunshine?” he asked. “I am not leaving.”

My lips parted.

“I am not letting you go.”

“You have to. I cannot be the cause of your suffering.”

“You’re not,” he said, coming to stand in front of me, his hands on my chest. The chill made longing spike in my gut. I craved his fingers stroking me as he told me exactly what he desired. But I wanted my mate to be safe more.

“I am,” I insisted. “I’m your tether.”

He smiled, going up on his toes. “I searched the universe, looking for something I didn’t understand, but it was you. I was always yours. You’re the sun of my existence, Zoltilvoxfyn. I cannot live without you.”

I swallowed, pain blooming in my soul. “I am not worth that devotion.”

“You are,” Caleb said firmly, cupping my cheeks. “You are worth everything.”

“You are mine, Caleb. That is why you need to leave, so someday I might see you again.”

“I am not leaving.”

“Mate.”

“No,” he snapped. “This is my choice. You cannot make me leave. I’m staying with you.”

“Please.”

“No,” he repeated.

I snarled, my anger finally surfacing. “I am failing you, Caleb! I am the one harming you. How can I live with myself when I am the one hurting you? I can’t. You must leave. It’s what’s best. I do not deserve you nor am I worth your suffering.”

He threw his hands into the air. “Did it ever occur to you that I’m being the selfish one? That, knowing it’s hurting you, I’m staying anyway? That I’m being so incredibly selfish by staying?”

My jaw worked side to side, tears threatening to escape.

“I am not as selfless as you are portraying me to be, and you are not worthless, Zoltilvoxfyn. I am staying for me. I cannot bear the thought of even a moment away from you. I would rather cease to exist than have eternity without you by my side. Do you understand that? I care about you so much it hurts, like actually hurts. You are my reason. I am going to stay here, no matter the cost, because I am that selfish.”

He held my face once again, and I leaned into him, even though his fingers would disappear beneath my scales.

“I love you,” Caleb said. “I love you, Zoltilvoxfyn.”

Tears slid down my cheeks. “I love you, Caleb.”

He smiled, but the joyous expression was like a knife stabbing my soul.

“I love you,” he repeated, over and over again.

Every time he said the words, something inside me grew—a helplessness. I loved him, desperately. He was my one and only mate. There would be no others after Caleb; my soul wouldn’t allow it. But he was being ripped from me, suffering because of me, and I didn’t know what to do.