10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Well, maybe it’s time for me to go.

I sat on the ground next to Yolkeltod’s bed, leaning against the wall with my arms resting on my bent knees. My gaze never wavered from Tinlorray, and she never looked away from her little brother. He was gone. Everything that made Yolkeltod Yolkeltod was no longer here.

It hadn’t taken much for his soul to pass on. It was like that for most ghosts; well, every ghost I’d met except me. I didn’t understand how they all moved on when I couldn’t.

Right after I died, I’d tried to pass on to whatever, if anything, follows this existence, but I couldn’t. I didn’t have any urge to move on. Why that was, I had no idea. Every ghost I’d talked to had known what held them back. Yolkeltod had stayed because of his sister. When he finally let her go, he’d left.

What was I holding on to? I needed to answer that question if I ever hoped to leave this place.

As the sun sank in the horizon and the three moons started to rise, Tinlorray stood, her movements jerky. I followed her out of the hospital and down the street to a building resembling the apartments in the capital, though shorter and it had purple flowering trees growing on the flat roof. Like every other building I’d seen on this planet, it had plenty of windows and balconies.

She entered through the door on the ground, went up the stairs, then stepped into an apartment with two bedrooms, spacious living and dining areas, and a generous balcony covered in plants. Tinlorray must not live in the building I’d followed her from. Perhaps she worked in the other building?

Tinlorray promptly collapsed onto the couch and began to sob. I settled beside her. I wondered if she knew he was gone. If the grief was finally becoming real now that Yolkeltod wasn’t beside her? Maybe after she let it all out she would be able to release his body.

“I’m sorry,” I told her. “I will watch over you, like I promised, but I don’t know what good it will do.”

I stayed by her side until she cried herself to sleep. When I reached the street, I hesitated. I had no idea where I was or how to get back to the palace. Tinlorray had taken a shuttle, which meant the palace was probably quite some distance from wherever this was.

My best bet was to wait until morning and hope Tinlorray traveled the same way she had yesterday. I sat on the ground and leaned against the building, blindly watching the city and the people rushing by until everything went quiet and the moons hung overhead.

The image of Yolkeltod vanishing wouldn’t leave my thoughts. I tried to think about something, anything else, but my mind circled around it, replaying it over and over again. He wasn’t the first ghost I’d seen vanish, but I hoped he was the last. I hated watching others leave when I was stuck here.

My eyes lifted to the gleaming stars in the sky. It had been so long since I’d been on Earth that I’d forgotten what my own sky looked like. There were a lot of things I’d forgotten. The feel of the wind in my hair and the sun on my skin. The taste of food. The smell of fresh-cut grass in summer. The sound of my family laughing. Hell, I’d forgotten what my own face looked like—I hadn’t seen it in over twenty years.

A dim ache grew within me, so faint it was barely present, but it was there—I was sure of it. I missed my home so badly, but the chance of me seeing Earth again was slim. Not many people traveled that way, and I couldn’t expect Zoltilvoxfyn to journey across the universe to take me home.

The night passed quickly with me watching the stars and the world moving around me while I stayed the same. When morning came with a burst of light and the warbling cries of birds, Tinlorray exited the apartment building. I dogged her steps. Her shoulders were hunched and her tail was lifeless on the ground.

I wished to speak with her, but what would I say? I had nothing. Man, too bad Nana wasn’t here. She always had something wise to say. Something to help. A sad smile twisted my lips as I thought about when I came out to her.

I’d been worried that she wouldn’t love me anymore. That me liking guys would somehow preclude me from her affection. Nana had yanked me into her arms and told me how much she loved me, then promptly said that if some guy broke my heart she would smack him in the balls with her cane.

Tinlorray headed to the same port as yesterday and boarded a shuttle, so I was hopeful it would take me back to the capital. She sat on a stool near the back, shoulders slumped. It was a miracle she even got on a shuttle with the accident that claimed her wings and her brother hanging over her.

When the ship docked, I caught a glimpse of the palace spearing the sky in the distance. So I was back. I took note of the shuttle markings. It had to be a bus-like system. I would need to ask someone, probably Wyn or Urgg through Zoltilvoxfyn, about it so I could see Tinlorray again. I’d made a promise, and I intended to keep it.

I followed her until she rounded the corner, then I headed to the palace. If I was going to pass on, I would need Zoltilvoxfyn’s help. No doubt he would be smug that I’d relented so easily. Then again, he might not be. I didn’t know him well.

Before I went, though, I would make sure Tinlorray was alright, Seth was safe, and Zoltilvoxfyn found his smile.

My eyes were heavy as I plucked withered blooms off the bush. I was supposed to be in hand-to-hand combat class right now. Kalvoxrencol had come to pick me up, leaving Seth to some much-needed alone time with Urgg, but I turned him down.

I’d been unable to sleep, spending the whole night in my greenhouse or the terrace garden waiting for Caleb to return. He hadn’t. Retiring had been impossible because Caleb didn’t know where my quarters were and he wouldn’t have been able to find me if he needed me.

Now, I worried he wasn’t going to return. I’d pressed harder yesterday than I should have. I barely knew him; I couldn’t predict his reaction. Still, I’d pressed. I tried to defend myself with the thought that I'd never met a spirit who didn’t know why they remained on the mortal plane, but that wasn’t enough. I should’ve known or been more sensitive to the possibility of him being upset, but I hadn’t been. Caleb had fled, perhaps for forever. The mere thought of that sent my soul racing. I’d never met a spirit who called to me like he did, and it frightened me.

He was so alive, even in death.

My fingers moved automatically as they cleaned the bush of wilted flowers and dropped them into a metal container for composting. A weight pressed down on my shoulders and strangled my throat. I couldn’t stop thinking about every single thing I’d said yesterday and how I did it all wrong. Mistakes. So many mistakes. I scolded myself viciously. I’d been an idiot, a horrid idiot. I should’ve known better. I shouldn’t have pushed Caleb or used Seth to get him to open up. And Seth. I’d scared him.

I yanked off a dead flower and berated myself. I desired to be friends with Seth, and this wasn’t the way to start.

A worthlessness grew in my mind with every passing moment and made me curl inward. Intrusive thoughts about running away or disappearing bloomed like malignant weeds, fueled by my guilt. My white hair hung around me like a shield, and I kept my face downward to hide the growing tears. If any of my family saw, they would worry. Another thing I had to feel guilty for.

“Zoltilvoxfyn,” a hesitant voice said.

I whirled around, tail thrashing. Caleb stood at the entrance of my greenhouse. His hands were shoved in his trouser pockets and he rocked forward on his toes, looking anywhere besides me.

“Caleb.” I dropped the container, sending ruined blooms tumbling across the moss ground. I rushed toward him, scouring his thin frame. “Are you well?”

His head bobbed. “I’m fine.”

“Where were you?”

“I went exploring, and things took an odd turn.”

“What things?” I asked, stopping right in front of him. My tail swished in his direction, quaking with the urge to curl around his ankle. I paused. I wasn’t a physically affectionate person, even with my family, but for some reason, I longed to touch Caleb.

His gaze skittered to the side, and I shifted until there was barely any space between us. I needed to move back, but I couldn’t force myself to. Even though he was dead, there were still permissions, such as personal space, which needed to be discussed if I was to move closer.

My stomach dropped and my soul pounded. I wanted to move closer. Caleb was a spirit, but I yearned to stay right beside him. Why?

Not many mediums had been recorded in Drakcon history, and I’d read each of their logs and everything they’d written. All of them had said basically the same thing. It was our responsibility to help wayward souls, but we shouldn’t get attached to them, because our presence might become a hindrance to their journey.

I forced myself to take a couple of steps back from Caleb, though it physically hurt to do so. “What happened, Little Soul?”

“I was wandering around the capital and saw Urgg.”

I didn’t know why that was a problem. I knew Urgg well. They were mated to Captain Talvax, who was a friend of the family—Talvax had grown up with my mother. She and Urgg were staying in the capital until the Admiral Ven’s updates were completed, and I expected to see them often, especially since Urgg was Seth’s oravirven—the one who would guide Seth through being a Crystal-bound mate with Kalvoxrencol.

“When I was leaving their home, I saw a woman,” Caleb said, staring at my plants.

“And?”

“She went to a medical facility, and I saw a ghost.”

“Was the spirit mean to you?”

“No,” Caleb said with a shake of his head. “His body was still alive. Brain dead, the doctor said.”

I’d read about something similar from one of my predecessors. They’d tried for months to reunite the body and soul, but nothing worked. Eventually, the soul had passed on.

“He was upset,” I surmised.

“I couldn’t do anything to help, but he needed to talk, and he…”

I waited for him to continue, but Caleb remained silent, which was odd for him. In the short time I’d known him, he seldom stopped talking. “He what?”

“He moved on. Right in front of me.”

Once again, I approached before I’d even thought about it. “Are you well?”

He lifted and lowered his shoulders. I desperately needed to ask Kalvoxrencol if he knew what that meant. I would research it myself, but the Cohort and the Council of Seekers had restricted access to the knowledge taken from Earth. Those mated to humans, Kalvoxrencol, and select scientists, such as Doctor Qinlin who was caring for Seth’s medical needs, were allowed access to the information. In a few months, or perhaps in a cycle, the information would become available to all.

“He asked me to watch over his sister.” His blue eyes met mine, so full of sadness and guilt that my instincts demanded I gather him into my arms and soothe away every line of stress. “If I had managed to convince him to stay, would you have been able to… I don’t know, shove his soul and body back together?”

“No,” I replied instantly, trying to lessen his guilt. “There is no way, as far as I’m aware.”

Caleb sagged. “Thank you for that.”

“You don’t need to thank me.” My wings rustled against my back.

His face lifted, and I swallowed, looking down at him. “I do,” Caleb said in a low voice. “I felt horrible all night, and now, you made me feel better.”

“I’m glad,” I choked out and swayed toward him, mouth dry. My chest brushed his, and a cold, fizzy feeling started, hardening my nipples, which brought me back to reality. I was crossing a boundary. I stepped back, hands fisting. “I need to apologize.”

“For what?”

“For pressuring you yesterday to move on. It’s your decision. We’d barely met, and I tried to force you to do something you weren’t ready for. I must apologize. I would like to help you, though, in whatever capacity you need, Caleb.”

“It’s fine,” he said. “We’re getting to know each other. It’s not a problem. There are bound to be snarls.”

What did growling have to do with this situation? Unless he was angry? He didn’t act mad.

“But,” Caleb continued, “we’ll figure it out. It’ll be fine. I have so many questions, and no doubt some will be inappropriate, so I’ll have to apologize. It’s normal. I think. I mean that’s how it was with my friends back when I was alive. We’re people, and we’re doing the best we can. At least I am. I think most people are.”

Something relaxed inside of me. He was talking again.

“Besides—” he broke off.

“Yes?”

“I think it might be time for me to move on. Meeting Yolkeltod made me realize that I can’t watch ghosts vanish time and time again and that I don’t want to be stuck here forever. It’s time for me to go to whatever comes after this, even if it’s nothing.”

Something hard formed in my stomach at the thought of Caleb disappearing, but I said, “I will help you.”