21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

Lucy

"I t was flashlight ," Pearl says, pouting that we couldn't figure out her word. She crosses her arms and marches back to her spot on the floor as Ruby stands up for her turn to draw a choice.

I haven't played charades in years, but the girls insisted we play it as soon as the pizza arrived. For my first couple of days of meeting the girls, they're taking my presence quite well. It can't be easy to come home from a visit to your grandmother's house and find a strange woman suddenly sharing your house and making goo-goo eyes at your dad.

Granted, Aaron and I haven't flaunted our adult relationship. Most of my stuff is still in the guest room, and I waited until after the girls went to bed last night to creep down the hallway into Aaron's room. He held the door open for me and put his finger to his lips as we both quietly giggled at how much it felt like sneaking around as teenagers again.

When I came hard as he took me from behind last night, I bit into the pillow so the girls wouldn't hear me moan for their daddy. That'll be the hardest part of my nights in this house. Aaron also sighed and whispered when he came, and I missed the loud moans from his throat.

For now, I'm Aaron's friend from high school who's staying with them. Pearl asked a few questions about me dating Aaron in high school, but I made it fun by pulling out an old purse-sized photo album I've had since high school. She had a great time giggling with me about Aaron's high school haircut and his old basketball pictures. Maybe when she's older, she'll realize how much I love her dad since I kept everything from back then. I showed her the ticket stubs from a Foo Fighters concert even Aaron had forgotten he'd taken me to.

Ruby stuffs another bite of pizza in her little mouth, straightens her right pigtail, and starts mimicking something that looks like her stirring a pot. I marvel at how much she looks like Aaron. She even chews like him, favoring the right side of her mouth and wrinkling her nose when something's extra crunchy or sticky.

"Cooking?" I guess, trying to ignore Aaron's hand suddenly on my inner thigh in a possessive and loving position. If the girls notice, they ignore it. "You're stirring something. Stirring? Mixing! Um, baking a cake?"

"Baking cupcakes!" Aaron yells next to my ear.

"Hey, that's cheating when you piggyback off my guess."

Pearl laughs at me for calling out Aaron, and Ruby gets a case of the giggles, dropping to the floor, her little face reddening as she laughs.

She laughs so long the timer runs out, and Aaron points to me. "You're up next."

I stand and brush pizza crumbs off my pants, smiling as Pearl holds up one of Aaron's old beanie hats that we're using to pick the item cards. I rummage my hand in the fabric as Ruby, still giggling, walks to Aaron and climbs on his lap. My heart practically melts when she throws her arms around him and he kisses her on the forehead.

He's an amazing father to these girls, and nostalgia for having a family hits me in the gut.

I pick a card and walk to the spot in front of Aaron's fireplace mantel. It's a chilly evening for spring, and a fire crackles behind me.

I look down at the card, and my mouth opens. The card says punching . It's meant to be an innocent reference. The charades game is for kids, and the card probably refers to hitting a mat or a cartoonish punch between animated characters. Defending yourself from a bully.

Unfortunately, I've taken too many punches to emulate this. What am I going to do? Swing my arms the way Beck did toward my face for years?

The card flutters from my hand and slowly hits the ground. Aaron's face darkens as I feel the blood drain from my face.

He sets Ruby next to him on the couch and is in front of me in seconds. "Lucy, look at me. What's wrong? Is this part of the game?"

I shake my head, tears stinging my eyes as I flash back to one especially bad episode with Beck. Even Aaron's loving hands on my cheek and shoulder don't comfort me.

Aaron picks up the card and looks at the word. "Girls, go to your room for a few minutes," he says in a voice that doesn't allow argument.

"Are we in trouble?" Pearl asks.

"No, sweetheart. This isn't because you did something bad. I just need to talk to Lucy."

Both girls get up from the couch, and Mickey trails after Pearl. I've noticed the dog is always near her if he's not under Aaron's feet.

My chest heaves as I try to catch my breath. Aaron bends to my eye level, but I squeeze my eyes shut. "Lucy, look at me. Please. Focus on me."

I shake my head like a petulant child and fist my pants pockets so hard I'm worried I'll rip them. "Baby, it's OK. I'm surprised you don't have more episodes of this, but look at me because you'll see that I'm here. You don't have to be scared. I'll never hurt you. Never hit you. Never even talk to you the way he did."

I slowly open my eyes and take in the room. A pizza box is still open on the coffee table. I'd get hit for that. Paper plates. I'd get a swift kick for not using the good dishes. Throw pillows the girls were sitting on are still on the floor. I'd get hit for that.

I look down at my clothes. Sweatpants in front of my man. I'd get hit or pushed for that if I was lucky. He would often rip clothes he didn't approve of off my body before beating me while I was naked. The little things in the room and on my own body suddenly suffocate me, and Aaron's voice sounds far away.

"Breathe, Lucy. You're safe. I'll be here telling you you're safe until you believe it. Have I ever told you it was OK when it wasn't OK?"

I shake my head, but the memories of being on the floor and kicked by my husband won't retreat. "The pillows are on the floor," I mumble between my heavy breaths.

Thankfully, Aaron understands. He cups my cheeks and presses his forehead against mine. "And it's OK. It's OK to be a little messy in my house. You're safe."

"Paper plates."

"Bad for the environment but OK on a family game night," Aaron says, grinning a little. "I say it's OK. And you're safe."

"Sweatpants."

"You don't have to be perfect all the time. In fact, I like you real. I love you without makeup and with that gorgeous hair in a messy bun. My Lucy. I say it's OK. You're safe."

My hands shake, but I close my eyes when I feel Aaron's gentle fingers against my own. "Listen to me breathe, Lucy. Do I seem angry with you? Listen to the tone of my voice."

"H-he was always calm when he beat me," I stammer. "That's what made it so scary. It was just another part of his day. Like b-brushing his teeth."

Aaron walks me over to the couch and pulls me down next to him. He wraps his arms around me and tucks my head under his chin so I can hear his heartbeat. "Listen to my heart. It's steady, right?"

I nod.

"You're safe. I will never let anyone hurt you as long as I'm alive. You understand that, right?"

I understand the words, and I trust Aaron. I just wish someone would explain it to my PTSD.

I take deep breaths, trying to let Aaron's heartbeat calm me. He strokes my back, and I let my eyes close. I've had to be strong for too long. The first time I get a night with Aaron and his daughters, this happens. Why? Have I been on a constant adrenaline kick, and I let my guard down?

"Do you want to talk to someone about this that isn't me? We have a great counselor at the station who may be able to recommend someone."

I shake my head. "I can't. Anyone I told before, well, they either aren't my friend anymore or it got back to…" My voice trails off. It's hard to say his name when I remember what happened. "I tried to ask for help once and talk about it, but he found out and hit me so hard my left ear made a ringing noise for a week, and I had to get a veneer for a couple of back teeth."

"This help is OK, Lucy. She won't be able to tell…him." Aaron can't say the dickhead's name either.

"I know it won't get back to him," I whisper, my mouth wanting to move. To talk. Tell Aaron everything. "I know he won't find out about any of this."

"Come here," he says, leaning back and pulling me with him along with a red blanket that's draped over the back of the couch.

He tucks the blanket around me, and I close my eyes. I could sleep right here, curled into Aaron's side with a warm blanket and fire in the fireplace. "It's OK, Lucy. The door is locked. Murphy Beckett is dead. Almost all of the guys who threatened you are dead. You're with me. Mickey is here. You're safe."

"Safe," I mumble to myself over and over, willing myself to believe it.