Chapter 16

SIXTEEN

Natalia

Word of Cooper’s adventure into the Royal Apartment gets back to me within an hour or two and I’m both amused and horrified. I need to do a better job of showing him around, but with what time? I’m usually on duty with Casey, and by the time I’m done for the day, he’s ready for dinner and bed. I wish we had more time together, but this is the reality of my job—and my life. We need more Royal Protectors but there’s an element of trust that has to be present before anyone can even be considered, and that’s before all the specialized training. And trust isn’t something Sandor can simply run an ad to find.

Every one of us is hand-picked and usually comes with personal recommendations.

Other than me, all the current Protectors had some kind of relationship with Casey, Erik, Sandor, or Joe, whether it was a personal or a professional one. I just fell into it by luck, hard work, and a strong determination to prove myself. So I understand what a privilege it is, as well as how difficult to hire more.

It takes time to build that kind of trust, so I can’t even imagine how hard it is for Sandor to make those kinds of decisions.

Unfortunately, that safety net means we work harder than ever.

It will probably be a couple of years before we can settle into a more manageable schedule. And that’s okay. For the most part, I like my life. I make money I never would have dreamed of before this, and it’s not like I have anything to go home to. This is my life now.

Despite everything I’ve been going through, I don’t want to leave or do anything else. My demons would probably follow me anywhere I go anyway.

Except, since Cooper got here, my demons seem to be asleep. Or hiding. I’ve been sleeping well and haven’t had a single panic attack.

And I don’t know how to unpack that.

He’s becoming important to me.

He is important to me.

I’m still not sure how this can possibly work out, but he seems to think there’s a way, and frankly, it takes way too much energy to be negative. We live on high alert all the time, worried about attacks, the constant imminent danger, so it feels counterproductive not to enjoy something that feels so good in my life.

I’m not na?ve enough to lie to myself and pretend that everything is suddenly okay because I have a boyfriend, but it’s also silly not to enjoy something positive. He makes me happy. I like having him around. I enjoy talking to him, lying next to him at night, and knowing that he’s strong and capable. He’s everything I want in a man.

I don’t want him to hurt me, but I also don’t think I’m capable of pushing him away.

Or walking away.

I’ve just arrived at Casey’s to spend the rest of the day with her and Levi when my mother’s name flashes on the screen of my phone.

Great.

I must make a face because Casey peers over my shoulder and then wrinkles her nose. She knows I have a rough relationship with my parents.

“It’s Mom. You better answer.”

“Ugh. I’ll make it quick.” I press the button and steel myself. “Hello, Mama.”

“Natalia! Is it too much to ask to call your mother just once every month?”

“I’m sorry.” Making excuses is a waste of time, so I just let her rant for a few minutes. Finally, she finishes and starts telling me about my sisters.

“Luci is pregnant again. We will have another grandbaby!” She sounds so triumphant and giddy, I have to suppress a groan.

“Is Pieter still hitting her?” I ask.

She sighs. “I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.”

“Mama.” I don’t like when she plays games like this.

“I have not seen bruises. I think maybe you scared him.”

“Would you tell me if he hurt her?”

“I don’t want him hitting the baby, so yes, I would tell you.”

That’s new.

Normally, she makes excuses about how it’s our culture, and how a slap here or there never hurt anyone. The fact that she’s suddenly worried about the baby makes me suspicious, but there’s nothing I can do from here.

I really do need to make a trip home.

I just don’t know how to find the time.

“Give her my love,” I say finally.

“And Femke is still thinking about the military.” Mama sounds pained. “Now I will lose another daughter.”

“Mama, you haven’t lost me. I’m here, but my job keeps me busy. I’m just working and making money so I can help you and Papa and Grandmama.”

“And when will you find a man? You are twenty-six now. Soon you will be too old for babies.”

I roll my eyes since she can’t see it.

I have her on speakerphone, and though we’re speaking Limaji, I know Casey can understand enough to clap a hand over her mouth to hold back her laughter.

“Tell her about Ryan,” she mouths.

I shake my head.

No way am I telling her I have an American boyfriend.

That would go over like a ton of bricks.

“I don’t know if I want babies,” I say instead.

Oops.

My mother is even more disappointed about that, and there’s another diatribe about how she never had a son so us girls need to produce them now.

I let her ramble and then manage to distract her with a promise to come visit soon, before we hang up. I lean back against the cushions of the couch and close my eyes.

“Why are mothers so hard?” I murmur.

Casey drops onto the couch next to me. “I guess they’re all different. Mine isn’t like that at all. She was needy after my dad died, but I needed her too, so we leaned on each other during a rough time. Then she came out the other side and started dating her now husband, Matt, and she has a full, satisfying life. I don’t think all women her age have that.”

“My parents are younger, in their late forties, but they fight a lot. They were never in love—it was an arranged, practical marriage—and their life is hard. They have no security because without the money I send, they would either freeze or starve in the winter. They do okay in summer, but in winter, they struggle, and I think it bothers my father that he can’t support his family. So he drinks and argues with her. In turn, she’s bitter about the way her life turned out, but instead of wanting something more, something better for her daughters, she feels like this is our lot in life as women.”

“And she doesn’t appreciate what you do for them?”

“She does when the money hits their account, but now that summer is coming and Papa has work and they can get by on their own, she resents me because the money I send makes my father feel bad. It’s a never-ending cycle of guilt and frustration and anger. That’s why I rarely go home. Which also makes me feel guilty.”

“No respect for that whole I’m-an-elite-bodyguard-who-protects-the-king situation?” she asks in a wry voice.

“Not even a little. You know how it is in the small communities.”

She nods. “Maybe we’ll send Erik up there at some point. You can be on that detail and see if it makes any difference.”

“I won’t hold my breath, but it will be nice to see my sisters.”

“The only advice I can give you is to be true to yourself. Respect your parents, love them, continue to support them since you’re able to, but don’t let them steal your happiness. You’ve had enough heartache. Focus on the good.”

I smile. “Thank you. That’s the plan, though it’s sometimes hard to put into practice.”

“Just remember you’re not doing anything wrong. And it’s okay to be happy. We only get one turn around the wheel of life—make the most of it.”

“Do you?” I ask softly. “I mean, you had the most amazing career and then you just walked away… I’m sorry if that’s too personal.”

“Not at all. And yes, I had a pretty awesome career. Money. Success. Things most people only dream of. But without love, the kind Erik and I have, I was hollow inside, just going through the motions. So it was a no-brainer to give that up when I realized not only was he still alive, but he still loved me. Had never stopped loving me even though he watched me from afar when he was purportedly dead.”

“Watched you marry another man.”

“And have his children.”

“That must have been so very difficult.”

“I’ll tell you something very private and intimate, and I hope you won’t repeat it.”

“Never.” I turn to her curiously.

“Erik remained faithful to me for nearly eleven years. The entire time I thought he was dead.”

“He…” My voice trails as what that means sinks in. “Holy shit. He didn’t…” I would typically never ask a question about my king’s sex life, but this is different. And she brought it up.

“Nope.”

“But he was married, wasn’t he?”

“It was a marriage in name only, something the CIA arranged to help conceal his identity. He never consummated that marriage. He said it was different for him because while I believed he was dead, he knew I was alive. For me to have moved on, married someone else, had his children, made sense. I was still in my early twenties when Erik faked his death. But for him, he felt that was his penance for betraying me the way that he did. It was to protect me, but it was a lie and a betrayal nonetheless.”

My heart momentarily breaks for them, and I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for both of them.

“So when I found out he was alive, once I got past the hurt and anger, there was no way we wouldn’t be together, no matter what I had to give up. And I don’t regret anything.”

“Do you think Cooper would have regrets if I asked him to stay here with me?”

“Only you can answer that, but in my gut, I don’t think he would regret staying here with you, assuming things continue to go well. It’s not like we couldn’t find him a job, whether it’s here at the palace or somewhere else.”

A thousand possibilities flit through my brain, but I quickly tamp them down.

Cooper is a marine.

He says he’s not sure what he wants to do next, but he’s not leaving the marines. He might be a little hesitant to recommit after what happened in Iraq, but once he’s healed and back to a hundred percent, he’ll be ready to get back to the action. His unit. His men. He’s not going to leave all of that for me. For a country that means nothing to him.

It’s a wonderful fantasy but not a realistic one.

Unless he could become a Royal Protector.

There’s danger and action and a sense of purpose in that.

Maybe that would be the kind of lure that would keep him here.

But that also would mean leaving the marines, his country, and his life.

Why would he do that for me?

Unfortunately, I don’t have an answer for that.