8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

London

" W hy don't we get this house all cleaned up while Cooper is outside?" I offer to Bean, after getting her to stop crying. "It's the least we can do since we're staying here with him."

"Mommy?"

"Yes, baby."

"Is daddy dead?"

He might as well be, is what I want to say, but for her sake, I don't. "No, baby. He's not. You just can't see him right now."

"Has he forgotten about me?"

There's a question I can't answer. I'd like for him to forget about her. That's a harsh thing to say, but it's something I'll be honest about. James Titan is no saint. Sure, he was a good father, until his career meant more to him than anything. That's when he sacrificed his relationship with both me and Bean. That's when I left. That's when it got worse, and nothing started getting better. This, I truly believe, is the calm before the storm. And it's why I have to lay low, until I'm told it's over.

"No, Bean, he hasn't." I tell her. Even though she hasn't so much as had a phone call from him in months. But that's by design. He doesn't have my number, nor does he know where I am, and that's the way it has to stay. The less he knows the better. Bean hasn't seen her daddy in a long time, and even then, it was spotty. This won't be the first Christmas she doesn't see him. Nor will it be the last. As far as I'm concerned, that man will never see her again, or me, for that matter. What he did was inexcusable and unforgivable. Also, completely selfish, foolish, and it put both of our lives in jeopardy, all for money.

The honorable man that my ex-husband once was is long gone. That is something that I have had to accept. Bean will have to accept that, too. When she's old enough to learn the truth, I'll tell her, but for now, she only needs to know things as she asks them. I've also noticed that her questions are becoming fewer and farther between. She hasn't forgotten about him, clearly, but she doesn't cry for him anymore, and her sentences don't have ‘well, when my daddy does this,' in them anymore, either.

It's always best to avert her attention elsewhere. This is no exception. "What do you say we take the rest of these bags downstairs, and we clean up this kitchen, and get dinner started? How about we make your favorite tonight?"

Daddy who? "Spaghetti?With meatballs?"

"Absolutely." I smile.

"Let's go! I can take two bags in one trip!"

Cooper

"So, tell me she's just running from a possessive ex-husband, man." I scoff, half-heartedly, pretty sure that that's not all to it.

"I wish I could tell you that, man."

"Okay, then out with it. What kind of trouble is she in?" I ask, in a ‘level-with-me' tone.

He sighs. "It's going to take a little more time. I ran into a brick wall with this one."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I figured since you said she's using a pseudonym, that she's in some kind of Witness Relocation Program, and those files, as you can imagine, are all sealed. Thankfully, my dad's an inspector with the North Carolina police department, and he knows a guy in the F.B.I., so I may have a lead. But I looked up her name, and it's definitely an alias. I'm not sure how much more I'm going to be able to dig up on this, dude. If she's a witness to some crime, I've got a better chance of sprouting wings than I do of figuring out what her deal is."

"Shit." I hiss.

"Sorry, man. I'll do what I can. But if she's part of the program, she won't tell anyone shit. God knows what she's been through. The kid, too."

"Yeah. She's not telling a soul anything."

"Good on her. She's probably been coached on that, for her protection, and for the kid's. If she's a tiger mama, she'll take it to the grave."

"She is."

"Okay, man. I'll keep in touch. If I get anything else, you'll be the first to know."

"Thanks, Jenkins.I appreciate it."

"Don't mention it."

I hang up and bite the skin on my thumb, thinking what, if anything I should do next. Things start swimming around inside my head, like, what if I want to marry her some day? How does that even work? What if I want to adopt Bean? Can I? What about making us a family? Permanently? Then I chide myself for getting so far ahead here. London, if she is part of the program, won't want to have anything beyond what we have now, for a very long time. It's unrealistic. It'll be a cold day in hell when she's ready to walk down the aisle after a nightmare divorce like that.

And then I start to wonder if she'll ever trust me enough to tell me the truth. Or if this thing that we have started together is ever going to be able to thrive, since she can't tell me the truth. Aren't relationships supposed to be built on trust and honesty? All these thoughts are swirling around inside my head as I walk back to the house. When I do, my heart swells. Inside, they've taken all their stuff downstairs, and they've got the Christmas music turned up, while they're both in the kitchen, cooking up a storm.

"Hey, Cooper! I hope you're hungry!" London sings out to me, as little Bean rolls dough for spaghetti noodles, over the cutting board. And I can't help but think to myself that this is for real. No matter what, this is what I want. I want both of them. I want this. I want this to be our family. No matter what the cost. I walk over to Bean and give her a zerbit on the cheek, making fart noises in her ear as she rolls out more dough, giggling. And then I snake my arms around London's waist, pulling her close, as she smashes canned tomatoes in a bowl, using her hands.

"I'm starved." I say over the din of the music. "What can I do to help?"

"Um…you can go sit down and relax." London says to me.

I kiss her by the ear and mouth, ‘I love you', but not enough for her to hear me.

…and I hope that some day I'll be able to tell her for real.

London

Bean falls asleep so fast at bedtime, I barely get through her first story. As I stand next to the closet, picking out my jeans and shirt that I'm wearing to work tonight, I hear Cooper come to the door. "She asleep?"

"Out like a light."

He's leaning on the doorjamb with his shoulder, crossing one ankle over the other, looking so goddamn sexy I could die. "I wish you didn't have to work tonight."

"Well, I do. I'm glad that you have the night off. You look so tired."

He smiles. "I'm fine." He watches me pull the jeans off the hanger and grab my clean Mingles shirt off another hanger. "You ever want to do anything else besides waitressing?"

My smile fades. I know that the only reason why I chose waitressing is because it's the only occupation besides prostitution and some other sketchy jobs, where I don't have to give my real name, and they can pay me under the table. That's all I have for now. Until I get that phone call that says otherwise. "Cooper, remember how I told you that I can't tell you anything?"

He stares at the floor and nods. "Yeah. I figured. Just thought I'd ask."

Guilt washes over me. His face tears my heart out. He's not angry or distrusting, or even disappointed. He just wants to know me. And I can't let him. Not right now. Not yet. It's too soon. I walk over to him and cup his face with my hands. I slide my fingers through his hair, giving him a gaze that I hope tells him everything he needs to know about me. That I'm falling for him. Every minute I'm falling for him more and more. But I don't know if that's enough. And I hate it that I can't open up to him. I hate it that we can't have a normal relationship, because everything else is perfect.

He's the sweetest, kindest, gentlest, most selfless man I've ever met. And he loves Bean like his own. In the short time that we've been here, he has shown us more love than James ever showed. And as much as I'm not sure if it's healthy that we can't express ourselves verbally, and it seems like we're only expressing ourselves physically, it doesn't change the fact that I'm so attracted to him, and I want him so badly, sometimes it hurts. My mouth is on his as he leads me away from Bean, walking me to his room, step by step, kiss by kiss, holding me to him. It's almost like we're dancing our way to his room.

"How much time have you got, love?" He asks, in between kisses, whispering on my lips.

"About an hour."

He pulls me into his room and closes the door. Hands on the hem of my shirt, he slides it over my head, while I reciprocate. Arms on his shoulders, I kiss his neck, feeling his pulse against my lips, as his fingers find the waistband of my pants, and he unzips them and removes them. I step out of them, and his lips are on mine, with open mouthed kisses, as he slides his tongue in, sweeping inside my mouth, kissing me in the delicious way that he does, turning me into a puddle.

His lips leave mine, as his hands move with his lips, trailing kisses down my neck, chest, sucking my nipples on the way, making me moan softly. Fingers skating my panties down my legs, he moves with them, and then he lifts my leg onto his shoulder, as he goes on bended knee. When his mouth hits my wetness, I cry out. "Shhh, darlin'." He whispers kindly.

"Oh…God, Cooper." I murmur a half moan, as his mouth makes love to me, French kissing my wetness, pulling the lips out, sucking my clit, making me feel things I've never felt before. Hands on my ass to keep me stable, Cooper licks my clit artfully, making me climb so high so fast, I'm dizzy. No man has ever made me feel like this, like a ball of pleasure, ignited each time he touches me or even looks at me. My body is putty in his hands as he easily brings me to orgasm in such a short time, I feel like it's no time at all.

As I come, crushing his hair between my fingers, chest heaving, standing leg quickly turning to jelly, he sucks my clit, making me feel such intense pleasure, it's almost too much. When I start to come down, he pulls my leg off his shoulder, and guides me onto the bed, quickly thrusting inside me, giving me a sudden wave of new pleasure. He leaves my knees resting on his shoulders, as he fucks me so deep, so slowly, my eyes roll back into the sockets. Stretching me, filling me, fucking me slow and deep, I am a ball of lust. "You…are a god." I breathe in the silence.

"That would make you my goddess." He murmurs back, kissing me erotically, adding another layer of pleasure. Then he parts my legs, and reaches down to suck my nipples, making me climb fast again. It's like I'm his marionette, and he has full control of me, something I don't mind one bit.

"God…Cooper. Holy fuck…you fuck me so good." I pant, not recognizing my own voice.

"I love fucking you." He whispers on my skin, as he continues to lick my nipples, and then I feel the warmth travelling through my body, signalling another orgasm, and I let go, taking him with me. His lips leave my nipple only to kiss me as he comes with me. I love it when he does that. I love it how he kisses me so desperately yet so tenderly as he comes, grunting softly, breathing heavily, in the throws of desire, as he kisses me. It's so hot I could die. As we both start to come down, he releases my legs and tucks his hands under me, in a tender embrace that tugs at my heartstrings.

I love him.

I love him so much.

He is the best thing that has ever happened to me my entire life. The best friend, the best lover, the best dad to my child, ever. And it's only been days. It's like a Christmas miracle. It's like something I never asked for yet always wanted. And the worst part is I can't have him. Not the way I want to, anyway. Whenever this nightmare ends, he's probably not going to stick around, no man would. The fact that he's here for me now, not knowing anything, is a miracle, but that's not going to last. He's going to lose his patience at some point, or he's going to lose his trust. I would. But for now, I'm going to enjoy every second of it, while I can.

"You're so incredible." I whisper, combing my fingers through his hair, as he kisses me.

"We're incredible together, darlin'. I never knew making love could be so good."

"Me neither."

He stops kissing me for a moment, resting his chin on my chest. "I wish you didn't have to go to work. I'd love to make love to you some more, and then hold you all night."

"That sounds lovely, but I can't live here for free, and I have bills to pay."

He sighs, resting his forehead on my chest. "God, I hate to bring this up, but, we've got to think about protection. We haven't been using any, and we have to."

"You're right. We should." I never even thought about that. James and I never used it. I'm pretty sure I have fertility issues, too, considering how many times, in the beginning, that James and I made love, and I didn't get pregnant.

"You okay with condoms?" He asks, voice so soft, so loving.

"I'm okay with whatever you want."

"Well, I don't want you going on the pill. God forbid it makes you sick or something."

I bite my lip and realize that there is something personal that I can tell him, after all. "I don't know if I can have anymore. James and I never used protection. And I only have Bean to show for it."

"I wondered about that."

I search his eyes. "How do you feel about that?"

"What, about not having any more kids?"

I nod.

"Well, if that's what happens, then that's what happens. Having Bean around is great. I love her to death. She's smart, sweet, fun to be around, and very well behaved."

I lift one side of my mouth into a smirk. "You're biased."

He frowns. "I may be, but it's the truth. I've been around plenty of kids and I've never met one as great as she is."

"You mean that?" I snort a laugh, sparkling pure evil in my eyes. "Because you're saying that, and your dick is still inside me." I chuckle, body vibrating, and he starts laughing with me. We're laughing hysterically, as he removes himself from me, and starts beating me with the pillows. I grab the other pillow and start beating him, too.

"I can't believe you said that!" He snickers, tossing the pillow to the side of my head, as I come back with a shot at him.

He almost knocks me to the floor, and then he stops, winded, hair flying all over, matching my own. He laughs. "God, I love you." His face sobers as he realizes that's what he said, and he slides his fingers through his hair, looking at me almost apologetically. "I'm sorry. I know you're not ready to hear that yet."

My heart skips a beat. I'm so happy but so sad at the same time. I love him, too. I love him so much, but my mind is reeling. So, I do what my gramma used to always tell me to do, and I follow my heart. "I love you, too, Cooper. I don't know what I would do without you." And those words choke me, as a ball of emotion forms in my throat.

He pulls me to him and kisses my head. "Truth is, I don't know what I've done without you , darlin'."

I wrap my arms around him and let myself cry. I want so badly for this to work. I want so badly to tell him everything, but I'm so afraid that it will ruin everything. No matter how much he loves me, he won't want to hear the truth. It's horrible. It's unbelievable. It's what I am faced with and nobody else. And if I tell him, then I'm risking danger to everyone, but especially to me and Bean. I'd never forgive myself if I did any of those things. But I'll also not forgive myself if I do anything to jeopardize the love I have for this man. It's such a double-edged sword. And I can't wait until the day that that fateful phone call comes to me, telling me that it's over.