Chapter 19

19

T he meal passed in a blur. Katie felt as if she'd seen a ghost. The face of her sweet, sweet Charles sat across from her. His voice spoke a story she didn't want to believe. She answered each question directed her way and nodded when it seemed appropriate, but her mind wandered miles away.

She couldn't sit across from Colby without thinking of Charles. A kaleidoscope of memories melted together, and she found herself wondering where her life would be right now had he returned to her. She went down a road in her mind she had not allowed herself to travel since marrying Josiah.

She had loved Charles. She had dreamed of becoming his wife and having his children. A mere glance in Colby's direction set the memories dancing and her heart fluttering. She tried not to stare, but the sound of that same rich voice resonated from the stranger across the table. Her mind tripped at the golden flecks sparkling in the same warm brown eyes that so resembled Charles's. Colby's handsomely rugged face drew her. She imagined that the horse-loving cowboy, with sun-bleached hair and bronzed skin, was Charles sitting across from her. Buried hopes and the dry bones of lost dreams found life once again.

"Katherine."

Josiah's stern voice bit into her musings. She'd forgotten where she was. She'd forgotten…him.

"Yes?" She turned from Colby and caught a look of intensity in Josiah's face she had never seen before. His eyes bore into her.

"I asked if you were ready to retire to the parlor. Colby's had a long day, so we'll let him bid good-night soon."

"Certainly, Josiah." Katie smiled in his direction, hoping to remove his sour look. A knot of anxiety twisted in her stomach. Josiah would have to be a fool to miss the way she'd been staring at Colby. And based on the glower on his face, he was fully aware.

She waited for Josiah to come around the table and, when he did, she looped her arm into his. As they moved into the parlor, he pulled as far away as he could without dislodging her hold. She sat in their special spot, but he did not join her, instead choosing a chair across the room. There was little doubt he was upset.

She worked hard to focus her gaze anywhere but on the man where it gravitated. She hoped the differences between the two brothers would become more evident as she got through the shock of seeing Charles's double.

She threw Josiah a look of tenderness, but he turned away, feigning a yawn. She'd hurt him. If only she had the words to explain just how difficult the remembering was. Maybe if he met a twin to Georgina, he would understand. The fact that she had never mentioned Charles may be adding to his distance.

A hollow grief settled in the pit of her stomach. What had been, would never be again. The past belonged in the past. Josiah was her future. He'd been good to her. She'd do well to set her thoughts on the living. But one look across the room, and the past came to life.

Her mind could not follow their idle chatter. She longed for solitude to sort out her thoughts. Relief slipped through her when Colby stood. "It's been a long day, and as you always say, Josiah, sunrise comes all too quick."

She rose while Colby hugged Josiah and slapped him on the back. "So glad to be here, my friend."

He turned toward Katie and smiled. "Josiah has done little else but write about you in our correspondence. I can see why. I'm so happy he's found a lovely lady to share his life."

Her eyes darted up to meet Colby's then turned to Josiah. "He's been writing about me, has he?" She put a tease in her voice, hoping to bring Josiah back.

"Oh yes, it started way back?—"

"Now don't be telling all my secrets, Colby, or it'll go to her pretty head." Josiah moved close enough to place his hand on the small of her back.

"In the days to come, I'll look forward to sharing your memories of my brother with you, Katie. If you don't mind?"

"Of course."

The pressure of Josiah's hand upon her back increased.

"You're the one person who can tell me what he was like as a young man." A sadness flashed across Colby's face. He looked at Josiah. "Am I in the same bedroom?"

"You are. Welcome home, my friend."

"I do like the sound of that. Haven't felt at home in a very long time."

Josiah's smile lasted until Colby started up the stairs. Then, a frown harrowed lines across his brow.

They ascended the steps in silence. She walked into her own bedroom to change, and he into his.

She plunked her body on the edge of her bed and dropped her head into her hands. What damage had she done to allow her thoughts such freedom? What had Josiah seen in her eyes? Hopefully not too much.

She unpinned her hair and brushed it till it shone, allowing it to flow free to her waist, just the way he liked it. A splash of his favorite rosewater fragrance to each side of her neck, and she was ready to face her future and leave the past far behind. After a quick knock on the adjoining door, she walked in. He sat on the edge of the bed staring at the wall.

"Josiah, I need help with my—" Her words caught in her throat as he turned to her. What was that look? Like he was unsure, unsettled, uncomfortable. "Turn around." He responded as if miles away as he rose from the bed.

Katie turned, expecting his arms to encircle her, the warmth of his kiss on her shoulder. Instead he struggled with the buttons, just as he had on their wedding night.

"Blast these things. My fingers are too big and clumsy." The heat of his breath fanned across her neck as he puffed out his frustration. "I told you we needed to hire a lady's maid, but no, you fight me every inch of the way."

Feeling the release of the gown and the corset, Katie turned to him, holding her dress to keep it from falling to the floor. "What's wrong?"

"I'm tired." He moved away from her and slipped from his clothing before sliding beneath the covers. With a muffled good-night, he turned his back to her.

Katie returned to her room and hung her gown with care. As she slipped into her challis nightgown, she couldn't keep her mind from stewing about her husband. He had been so pleased to see her dressed up earlier, with a passionate reaction and whispers of what would happen later. Now, nothing. It did not take much to figure out what happened. She'd hurt him.

Josiah balled his fists as he lay in bed. The way Katherine had said Charles's name that evening…had sounded like a caress. Charles had meant far more to her than mere friendship. He was the man she'd been meant to marry, not Josiah. Raw jealousy surged through his veins.

He tossed from one side to the other as he listened to her move about her room. He was no more tired than he could sprout wings and fly. He had been so excited to introduce her to Colby, but the way she'd leapt into his arms brought the ugly truth to the forefront. In all their time together, she had never displayed even half the emotion revealed in that unguarded moment.

He'd never had a problem with women falling for him, and he'd tried every kindness with Katherine, yet he was no fool. She didn't love him. She loved a ghost. A ghost whose twin now resided under his own roof.

The click of the adjoining door told him she was joining him, as had become their nightly ritual, but he couldn't face her. He couldn't think of making love to her knowing she might have someone else in her head.

As she slid between the covers and worked her way over to his side of the bed, he tried to feign sleep. His breathing became ragged and unsteady when she moved her arms around him and planted a kiss on his back. This was the first time she had initiated intimacy, and, although he wanted to be strong and not need her, he struggled. Conflicted emotions warred. He wanted to kiss her into oblivion—and ignore her, making her feel as insecure as she had made him. He wanted her love, not her obligation.

"Josiah, are you sleeping?"

He didn't answer.

Against his will, he shuddered as her hands circled around to the front, and her skin, softer than a doe's, rubbed up against him. How could she think he was sleeping? She obviously did not. When she brushed her foot against his leg, he flipped his body to face her. "I said I was tired."

"Too tired?"

Her coyness told him she was far more experienced than the scared little waif who had come into his bed a few months earlier.

His resolve crumbled like ancient pottery, and, when she pulled his head down to meet her lips, he responded. The thirst inside him could not be satisfied.

That night, for the first time, he squelched his words of love. The hurt burned a hole in his heart like a live coal searing through. Why hadn't she trusted him with the story of Charles? Only one reason made sense. She wasn't over him. And now Colby was here, stirring the embers, igniting memories he hadn't even known she battled. It all made sense now—her inability to love him.

He lay awake long after the steady rhythm of her breathing signified her slumber. He wished he could have resisted her for his own peace of mind. If for no other reason than to put some distance between her memories of Charles and their time together. But he was so weak. She unhinged him. She frustrated him. She stole the control he had always possessed.

But holding her in his arms, he made a decision. He would never again voice the feelings that were not returned.