Jesse

What the actual fuck?

I stood in the hallway, eyes burning as I fought back tears while I struggled to figure out what had just happened. My fingers still tingled, maybe because I'd been grasping Ash so tightly, maybe because that's simply the way my skin felt any time he touched me. He'd left me standing alone to face the pitying eyes of professors and colleagues. He'd left me to make excuses and smile and laugh and finish the evening alone. He'd left me.

The room spun; the air suddenly oppressively hot where it had previously bordered on cool. Dark carpet, tan walls, piano music. Shoulders in black jackets, calves splashed with sparkling hems. Nothing worked. Nothing stopped the panic that rushed through me as I tried to control my breath. Surely, he hadn't left me. Any moment now I'd wake up in my small dorm bed and realize that this was simply a nightmare my subconscious had created as a result of my nervousness over the school mixer combined with the way I missed him on the nights I didn't sleep in his arms.

"Jesse."

I jumped at the sensation of a hand on my shoulder. It was too small, too light. It wasn't his. My eyes burned and I fought the tears that threatened to fall as I"Come on, sweetie."

I let Bethanyguide me away from the prying eyes that had focused in my direction when they'd noticed something more entertaining than small talk and questionable appetizers. I offered no resistance as she led me into the next room. I barely registered that we were alone as the door clicked shut behind us.

I pressed my back to the wall for support. It didn't work. My legs crumpled and I fell into a pile on the polished tile floor. My arms wrapped around my knees, offering me a dark place to bury my face and hide my tears.

A soft hand slid gently along my shoulder and down my back again and again as I let myself go. Some part of me had always known I'd lose him. He'd never really been mine after all. I'd lost myself in the scent of his hair and the depths of his green eyes and tried to ignore the way he'd kept so much of himself hidden from me.

It wasn't just the idea of sex with me that he'd run from. He'd spoken about his past and family once at dinner and then never again. He never shared any hopes or dreams. He'd never offered me anything but the present, never anything but long weekend moments and stolen office glances.

In hindsight it was obvious that he'd never really been mine. So clear that it had always been one sided. I didn't really think he'd lied to me when he'd told me he'd loved me. The way his body had responded to my touch had been the truth. The way he'd looked at me and smiled and laughed had been honest, but there had never been anything more. He'd never offered me a future, and I'd been a fool to pretend he had.

I wiped my sore and reddened eyes on my sleeve as my tears subsided, finally lifting my head to face Bethany's concerned gaze.

"I wasn't enough." My voice was rough, and the words strangled me on their way out.

Her face softened. The harsh furrow in her brow slowly disappearing as her eyes searched mine.

"Is that really what you think happened?"

I shook my head in confusion. "Obviously."

"Oh, sweetie." She gathered me into her arms.

"That man didn't leave because he didn't want you. He left because he was scared that one day you'd leave him if he didn't let you go first."

Fuck.

His eyes had glowed as brilliantly as perfectly cut emeralds as he'd stared at me, but the corners had been red and damp. His voice had been smooth and calm as he'd spoken, but it had been deeper, rougher than it normally was. His hands had been gentle as they'd pried mine away, but they'd trembled.

How had I not seen?I had been so blind. For so long I'd worried that I wouldn't be enough. I'd thought he'd been avoiding intimacy with me because I couldn't live up to his expectations or that he'd kept me around simply to avoid the loneliness that had permeated his life before I'd arrived and offered him friendship. I hadn't understood.

The way he'd watched me every moment we were together, it was as if he'd been waiting, expecting me not to return, even from the kitchen. The way his fingers never left my skin, wandering along it as he fell asleep as if he were memorizing me, preparing for the day he wouldn't have me any longer. I'd been so blind.

I needed to find him. I needed to tell him he was enough. I needed him to know he was enough. He would always be enough. I wasn't going to let him run. He didn't get to throw this away because he was afraid.

I wiped my eyes once more as I stood.

"I need to go."

Bethany smiled as she stood with me and together, we stepped back into the party.

The room fell silent as we entered. Every eye in the building focused on me. I knew how disheveled I must look. I didn't care. They offered me pity. Support. Sadness. One of my professors stepped forward, her hand coming to rest on my forearm.

"It's for the best dear."

Her voice was tight and condescending. I knew she pitied me. She wondered how in the world I had let myself be charmed by a consort in the first place. I straightened my spine and glared my way around the room.

"You should all be ashamed of yourselves. You had no right to make him feel as if he didn't belong here. He belongs with me, and you'd better get used to that."

She stepped forward again. "Think of your future, dear."

"He is my future."