11. Micah

11

Micah

T he simple visit to the Jaguar Clan had stretched into seventy-two hours of interminable diplomacy. How shifters had managed to form any kind of hierarchy was beyond me. They had a council of elders who were meant to guide the alpha, but more often than not, they seemed set on grabbing power for themselves.

In the end, it had taken Ezekiel breaking out his temper for them to fall in line. Even so, I had little doubt that we'd need to return before long to give them another reminder.

Being the unofficial police force of supes was exhausting. It wasn't technically part of our mandate, but keeping humans from discovering our presence was. If we allowed situations like this one to escalate, we ran the risk of open battle happening.

Compelling a human into forgetting seeing a person shift into an animal was one thing. Making hundreds of them believe they hadn't seen hordes of them doing it before tearing one another to pieces was another entirely. Today's technology made it even more difficult. There'd been a few instances where photos and videos had been uploaded before we could stop them. And with live streaming? Forget it.

It was testing our skills like never before. Fortunately, it was the burden of all angels, not just us. All units had someone on their team who was tasked with tracking down the footage and deleting it, before finding a way to debunk it. For us, that person was Nate.

By the time we finally left, I was exhausted. Not physically, but mentally. I hadn't had a chance to breathe the whole time we were there, let alone do anything else.

Unfortunately, my brain had found the space to think about one topic. Namely, Nox.

What's he doing right now?

Is he thinking of me?

Remembering how he fucked me?

Replaying what we said to each other?

Does he want to do it again?

Do I?

The answer to that last one was obvious. My behaviour at this point was honestly ridiculous. I seemed to have regressed a few millennia back, to the time when I'd been a hormonal teenager. Even then, I didn't remember feeling like this. It was like Nox had taken over my mind, pulling the strings even when he was hundreds of miles away.

It was funny—I had thought I'd been crazy where Dimitri was concerned, but my obsession with Nox was quickly showing just how laughable that was.

The wards told me that Nox had left the house once while I'd been away. It had been gone ten o'clock at night, which had sent my brain into overdrive. Was he out causing havoc? Or had he gone back to the club to hook up?

I kept checking my phone during the negotiations, hoping to see a message from one of the others. Something about Nox starting a fire, or maybe diverting all of the traffic on the M25 in the wrong direction.

It stayed resolutely silent…which meant Nox wasn't out causing mayhem.

So it was likely the alternative.

Thinking that he might at that very moment be sleeping with someone else made it difficult to breathe. The pull in my chest was almost painful. Every single part of me wanted to fly back and track him down. To haul him away from whatever bloke he'd picked for the night and ask him what they had that I didn't.

I couldn't though. I had a job to do here.

Besides, I had no right to ask those questions of him. I had no claim on Nox. What was more, he didn't want me to have a claim on him. He didn't want me.

Still, I spent the eight hours and seventeen minutes that he was outside of his house in complete turmoil. It was long past club closing time when he finally crossed the wards again, meaning he'd spent the in between hours somewhere else. With someone else.

When there'd been a pause in the meeting, I'd told Ezekiel I needed five minutes. None of them had wanted to take a break, but I'd insisted.

I knew I couldn't get through the rest of what was required of me without it.

I flew as hard as I could for two of those five minutes, landing deep in the forest.

With no one to hear me, I roared my frustrations at the dawning sun. I screamed out the injustice of it all. That I'd fallen in love with a man destined for someone else. That the one fated to me didn't want me. That we were so incompatible that we had no hope of a future. That even if we could move past everything else, Heaven would never allow it. That I'd never be enough for anyone, except in my role as leader.

I took one whole minute for myself. I used every second to vent it all, to allow myself to feel the pain of it.

But once my time was up, I shut it all down. I closed the door on it and donned my mental armour.

Two minutes later, I walked back into the room to continue sorting through the mess.

If Ezekiel thought my brief disappearance odd, he didn't draw attention to it. He did, however, watch me more closely than before. His usual frown was tinged with confusion. I wasn't surprised; even with Dimitri, I'd been able to hold my shit together.

That wasn't happening now. Nox had worked his way under my skin, and I didn't know how to free myself of him.

The entire flight back to London, I struggled with what to do. Should I track him down? Demand to know who he'd been with? What they'd done? Or did I want to ignore all of that and just beg him to fuck me again? To make me forget everything except for him and how he was making me feel. To pretend that he wanted me, even if it was a lie.

It was the most dangerous lie I'd ever wished for. A falsehood I'd had a taste of and now didn't want to give up.

The one thing I was certain of was that I wanted to see him. No, I needed it. I didn't know when it had happened, but I'd become addicted to Nox, to the way he made me feel. Three days without my fix had me craving him in an unhealthy way. Even if we just screamed about how much we hated each other, that would be enough.

At first, I'd told myself it was just because of fate that I felt like this. That, if I ignored it, it'd be easier to overcome.

But over the past few days, I'd realised it was so much more than that. It was about what Nox had wanted from me in the brief encounters we'd shared.

Nothing. He'd wanted nothing. He didn't need me to make any decisions. To plan any missions. To give my opinion on supe disputes or oversee training.

It was… freeing.

Okay, so he also didn't want me, but hopefully he could tolerate me for a little while longer. I wasn't ready to give this feeling up. Not yet.

I held my breath as we approached his house. I wouldn't be able to stop now, not without having to explain why to Ezekiel, but I couldn't resist trying to get a glimpse of him. A brief taste that would have to satisfy me until I could sneak away from the others.

But he wasn't there. The roof was empty bar the table he'd fucked me on.

I swallowed down my disappointment. It's okay. Just get back to the compound and then you can go and track him down.

Life apparently had other ideas.

No sooner had Ezekiel and I landed at the compound than we were dragged into a meeting about new orders from Heaven. Once that was done, Grace asked for my advice regarding a new potential safe house in Mexico. Then Benji appeared with a stack of paperwork that needed my signature.

If I could have got headaches, there would've been one thumping at my temples as the alarm went off in the gym. Cursing, I got up from the desk with Benji at my heels. We had buttons strategically placed in various areas of the house. They weren't for when enemies invaded, but for when idiotic members of the unit let their baser needs take over.

And, by idiotic members, I meant the twins. Sometimes it was one of the others too, but you could guarantee that any drama would have the two of them at the centre of it. They might have been closer than the rest of us combined, but at the end of the day, they were siblings.

Siblings with super speed, strength, and training.

When they got into it, whole buildings tended to fall in their wake. The alarm system was the best way to alert whoever was home so we could intervene before that happened.

Sure enough, when Benji and I burst into the gym, the twins were the culprits. Nate had a bloody nose while Theo's shoulder was dislocated. Rami, who'd likely been the one to sound the alarm, had planted himself between them. Unfortunately, he could only wrestle one at a time, leaving the other one to go on the attack.

Running footsteps sounded behind us before Breann and Noah burst into the room.

"Fucking idiots," Breann said before leaping for Nate. Benji joined her, leaving Rami to tackle Theo.

Noah, meanwhile, was gaping in horror at the scene before him. "Does this…does this happen often?"

"Sadly, yes." I nodded towards Theo, who'd blasted Rami off him and was now running back towards his brother. "Come on."

With us in the fray, we had them under control within seconds.

The bollocking I gave them both took much longer. By the time I was done reminding them of their roles, responsibilities, and the example they were supposed to be setting for Noah, they were still glaring. Now though, it was aimed at me rather than each other.

I could work with that. They'd get over it fast.

Sure enough, within a few minutes, the twins were back to being friends again. Theo had torn a strip from his shirt for Nate to use to mop up the blood covering his face. Once that was done, Nate relocated Theo's shoulder for him.

Then they jumped on the treadmills as though nothing had happened.

"They're fucking insane," Noah said, his eyes fixed on them. "How can they go from beating seven bells out of each other to calmly exercising?"

"Who knows?" I smiled tightly, trying to ignore the weight of exhaustion pressing on my shoulders. "I think it's their way of working off their aggression. Despite what you just saw, they are each other's safe space. Sometimes I think they do that to stop themselves doing something far worse. They wouldn't hurt each other permanently."

"But they might hurt someone else?"

I nodded towards the exit, indicating for Noah and Rami to follow me. "I think it's a possibility. Not us, obviously, but they both share a level of rage that's…unusual for an angel."

Rami snorted, wiping blood from his hands as we walked up the stairs. "Are you forgetting about Ez?"

I chuckled. "No, I'm not. But Ez has a fiery temper that's always close to the surface. The twins though? They hate feeling it. They bury it deep, preferring instead to focus on the joy in their lives. It's always there though, and there's only so long they can ignore it before it makes itself known. I think that's why they compete and fight as they do—it's their safe way of burning it off before it can be unleashed on someone else."

Noah hummed thoughtfully as we drifted to a halt in the entrance hall. "They certainly share a close bond. I imagine that's useful in battle. "

"It is. If there's a common enemy, the two of them are unstoppable."

"And if one of them is hurt?"

Rami and I exchanged a look. I knew we were both remembering Paris, when a water mage had almost ended Theo permanently. Nate had destroyed the entire clan of them before the rest of us had had a chance to draw a breath. "If that happens, it's best to make sure you're outside the fallout zone."

"Fuck knows what'll happen if either of them finds their mate," Rami mused. "Imagine what'd happen if one of their mates was targeted or hurt. They'd unleash enough carnage to trigger Armageddon."

"You're not wrong there." I rubbed at my shoulder like the action might lessen some of the burden I carried there. "I'll add it to my list of potential future catastrophes to worry about."

"And none of you have found your mates yet? Except Breann and Grace, obviously."

"No." My answer burst from me so vehemently, so suddenly, that both Noah and Rami turned to stare at me. I backpedalled fast, smiling weakly. "I mean, no, none of us have found our mates yet. Maybe fate doesn't have anyone planned for the rest of us."

"They better do." Rami scuffed the floor with his toe, an uncharacteristic scowl on his face. "Every bloke who catches my eye seems to be tied down. I'm more than ready to meet the one who's meant to be mine."

I steadied my breathing so as not to give away the frustration ripping at me. I wanted to tell Rami that it didn't matter if they were meant to be yours, if they didn't want you you'd end up alone anyway. But hopefully that wouldn't be the case with him .

"Interesting." Noah smiled tightly at us. "Sorry. I don't mean to ask so many questions. I just find the whole dynamic you share fascinating."

I frowned as Rami scratched his jaw. Surely all angelic units were like ours? "Wasn't it similar in Juniper?"

Noah's smile fell. "No. It wasn't."

Rami opened his mouth, like he was going to question Noah further. I cut him off quickly, sensing how much Noah didn't want that to happen. "It's true that we're all very close here. Hopefully it won't be long before you feel like a true part of the Seraphim."

He gave me a grateful smile. "I already feel far more at home here than I have anywhere else, so thank you."

We talked for a few minutes before Rami invited us to go and watch a movie with him. Part of me wished I could join them, but the paperwork waiting in my office wasn't going to do itself. Plus, I still needed to write my report following the visit to the shifter clan as well as type up my weekly update for Heaven.

So much for seeking out Nox. A few hours back here had reminded me how fruitless that was. How little time I had for anything for myself.

No matter how much I might want it.

Bidding them goodbye, I drifted towards the stairs. Standing at the bottom, I tried to will myself to climb them. It's not hard. One foot in front of the other. You can do this.

I wasn't sure I could. I'd held up the ceiling of this unit for centuries, but recently, the weight of it was threatening to crush me.

Part of me hated Dimitri. I'd spent so long in love with him, thinking he'd help me shoulder this burden. That if we were together, the second and the lead, we'd find a way to make it work.

But all that time, Dimitri had been looking for a way out. He'd left me behind, left me alone with this, long before he'd taken his mates.

The pull in my chest was aching, begging me to take a few moments respite. To go to Nox and let him shout at me. Hate on me. To know he was the one person who didn't look at me and see someone perfect.

No, he saw all my flaws, and even some that didn't exist. I'd take that though. Anything over this pressure that was threatening to crush me.

I wavered at the bottom of the stairs. I needed to see him. I needed the break he'd give me.

But what if it made it harder to come back here? Or worse, what if he refused to see me? He'd certainly made his feelings towards me clear. Not that I could blame him. I'd given him no reason to warm to me. I hadn't wanted him to.

I didn't want him to. At least, I shouldn't have wanted that. I shouldn't have wanted him.

I tried to suck in a breath, but it felt like my lungs were full of water. The oxygen only went so far. I needed air. I needed to breathe.

Spinning on my heel, I strode for the front door, not stopping until I was outside. I wasn't sure when I started running, but somehow I was. My feet led me into the woodland beside our home, not stopping until I was deep between the trees.

Collapsing against a trunk, I leaned my head against the bark and finally dragged in a deep breath. Another. Then another.

It was then that I felt it. The hot liquid sliding down my cheek.

Just as I had in that one minute I'd given myself, I roared my frustration out to the sky. Pulling back, I let my fist loose into the tree. Once. Twice. Three times.

There was a loud cracking noise as the tree swayed ominously.

Still the tears fell.

Dropping to my knees, I buried my face in my hands. Pull yourself together, I told myself sternly. You don't have time to fall apart. You need to be strong. Your unit needs you.

That was the whole problem though, wasn't it? My unit needed me.

But no one else did.

The Seraphim were my blessing and my burden. I wouldn't have anyone to help me shoulder it. Sure, I had Ezekiel, but I couldn't put this on him.

He couldn't fix this for me, just as Dimitri hadn't been able to.

I was alone. Just as I always had been.

A twig snapped. I froze, my face buried in my hands. Oh fuck. Who had found me? How the hell was I meant to explain this?

Before I could drag my hands away and come up with an excuse, warm hands touched my shoulders. They urged me forwards until I was collapsing against a wide chest. Whoever it was had to be kneeling too.

I knew who it was. I think I'd known the instant he touched me. But how? It wasn't possible.

Then he spoke, his voice unmistakeable.

"It's okay, little angel. Let it all out."