24. Kaino

24

Kaino

Intense feelings are normal, post scene. Mine have never been this intense, though. “Bjorn, how are you doing?” He smiles, but a soft “Mmm” is all I get. That’s my cue to bring the session to a close. “I want you to take a cleansing breath. Fill your lungs as best you can.” I place my hand on his arm and watch his eyes until he does what I’ve asked. With each breath, a bit of the fog lifts. “Good. We’re almost there. One more breath.”

Carefully, I push to my feet and reach for the ends of the rope. “I’m going to untie you.” With measured movements, I work my way around him, undoing knots, noting where the rope has dug in, looking for any marks that might need attention, and spooling the hemp back into a neat coil. “How are you feeling now?”

Bjorn stretches his arms overhead and tentatively makes a few bending motions, understandably favoring the side with his scar. “Pretty amazing, actually. I feel calm. Relaxed but really alert.” His smile is a bit sheepish. “I was getting into that fuzzy feeling. It was nice.”

“If you decide you want to do this again, or if you want to try something more intense, we can keep that feeling going for longer. I didn’t want you to take on too much, with this being your first time. But we were also aiming for a hybrid purpose. Tying with the goal of calming the mind enough to meditate.”

He looks at me curiously. “What other purpose would there be?”

I put my ropes and shears in my duffle and turn back to focus on him, kneading his shoulder muscles before moving down his back to massage out some of the soreness from the ropes. “Any number, really. But most are meditative, performance, or sexual in nature.”

His muscles relax even further under the pressure of my fingers. “Mmm. Yeah. Sorry, I meant other purposes we could have for it. I’ve watched porn.” His tone is teasing. “Have you ever done that?”

“Watched porn? Or tied someone in a scene for sexual purposes?”

There’s a long pause, and I’m not sure if it’s because he’s considering my question or he’s still foggy. “Bjorn?”

“Sorry, I was replaying my question in my head. I meant tying someone for sexual reasons. I figured you’ve watched porn, but now I’m curious.”

I laugh. “Yes to porn, no to tying someone for sexual scenes.” I massage his arms, and Bjorn hums again. He’s definitely more relaxed than I’ve seen him recently. “That’s not why I got into shibari. No judgment on the practice at all, but I’ve been all about the mental focus and clarity from the rope, and when asked, the performance.”

He looks up at me, his gaze clear and curious. “Would you ever consider it?”

I smirk at him. “Why? Are you volunteering to be a rope bottom in every sense of that term?”

His eyes darken, and his grin turns feral. “God, yes. Well, not suspension. I still don’t think I want to do that. And Xander already said he isn’t into being tied up. But I…” He gets a faraway look in his eyes. “I liked this. It was comforting. I felt safe.” He winks at me. “Throw in a blindfold, or just tie me without the boxer briefs, and I can see how it would be arousing.” We both ignore the growing bulge in his briefs. “Having you and Xander touching me like that, kissing me, with me unable to do anything but receive that attention, seems so fucking hot. With boundaries, of course. I wouldn’t be into pain or whatever.”

I’m curious about his “whatever,” but if we decide to pursue that scene, we’d definitely have more than one discussion about safety and consent. I finish waking up his circulation and squat in front of him. “Do you want to take a shower? Or do you want to get ready for bed?”

“Oh god, a shower sounds wonderful.”

I push to my feet. “I’ll start the water. You can shower while I get you a snack.”

“For the record, I see why Xander likes this pampering stuff.”

“Oh lord, there will be two of you to cater to. I’ll have to wait on you both hand and foot.” Bjorn’s laughter follows me into the bathroom, so it might have been more effective if I hadn’t smiled while saying that. I turn on the shower and re-enter the bedroom to Bjorn stretching again, most of his beautiful body on display, including the still visible scar near his left hip.

He catches me looking and glances down at it. “Not too bad, now.” He grins at me. “Scars are sexy.”

I ignore his ploy for attention and gesture to the bathroom. “You’re all set.”

He frowns. “You’re not joining me?”

I hadn’t planned to, but he’s giving me his puppy dog eyes, and I know how tactile he is. It may not be what I’d prefer, but if this is what Bjorn needs as aftercare, it’s my responsibility to give it to him. And I need to take a shower, anyway. “I’ll get the snack and then join you.” His smile is sweet, and his gaze softens. Saying yes was the right call. Bjorn thrusts his boxer briefs to the floor and winks, then turns around and walks into the bathroom, whistling.

I open the bedroom door to find Pita looking piteously up at me, tail thumping softly on the carpet. “Hello.” He whines and glances into the room, practically asking if he can come in. I open my mouth to say no, but those big dark eyes look up at me, and I cave. Obviously, I have a weakness for sad puppy eyes, and the two of them are conspiring against me. “Go.” The syllable is barely out of my mouth before Pita darts around me and into the bedroom. As I head to the kitchen, I picture Pita wandering into the bathroom, surprising Bjorn in the shower, and chuckle.

By the dim light over the sink, I search in the pantry until I find Bjorn’s protein powder and whip up a quick shake. I fill two glasses with water from the refrigerator dispenser, grab a few bananas and an orange, and load everything onto a breakfast tray, then carry it all upstairs. Pita is in the middle of the bed, playing the “If I don’t see you, you don’t see me” game because he knows he’s not allowed up there. I leave him alone and set the tray on the dresser, drink my glass of water in a few gulps, strip off my clothes, then join Bjorn in the shower.

“About time. I thought maybe you got lost.” He’s grinning, so he’s not actually upset. “Do you want me to wash your back?” He follows that up with a huge yawn, and I shake my head.

“No, thanks. This is going to be quick. We’re both tired and need sleep. Your snack is on the dresser. I’d like you to eat it when we’re done showering, please.”

Bjorn’s stomach makes a loud growl, and he leans down, placing a quick kiss to my lips. “Thank you, vennen .”

I don’t even try to hide my grin. “You’re welcome. How are you feeling?”

To his credit, Bjorn doesn’t throw out a thoughtless “Fine.” He actually considers the question. “Odd. Conflicted? Part of me feels really invigorated. Clear-headed and calm. But also vulnerable and a bit exposed.” He reaches for the shampoo and hands it to me. “That was intense. And I liked being restrained. What does that say about me?”

Quickly, I work the shampoo through my hair. “It means you enjoy being restrained. There doesn’t have to be more to it. But we also know you struggle with overthinking and overplanning.”

He snorts and waits for me to rinse my hair before continuing. “I have control issues. We can call it what it is. But is that all it is? I gotta be honest here. Being tied up, watching you walk around, weaving these fancy patterns into the rope with flicks of your fingers and wrists, knowing I was at your mercy? Fucking HOT. If I wasn’t so damned tired right now, I’d probably have a chubby.”

“Classy, Bear. So classy.”

His grin is equal parts proud and dopey. “You don’t think it’s weird?”

I lather up a washcloth and quickly scrub myself. “Not any weirder than me getting into shibari for the structured touch factor and controlled interactions.”

He shrugs, fighting another yawn. “Fair.”

I rinse myself and turn off the spray. When the water stops, Bjorn blinks a few times, dead on his feet. “Come on, sleepy. Let’s get dried off.” I hand him a towel. “Have some water and a banana, and then go to bed.” It takes Bjorn longer than it should to dry off and pull on fresh boxer briefs. “Drink please.” I hand him a glass of water, and after he chugs it and hands the empty glass back, I press a banana into one hand and the protein shake into the other. “Please finish both.” It’s slow going, and I pull on boxer briefs, watching as he yawns frequently through the process. Eventually, I take the empty shaker and banana peel from him, gently shoving him toward the bathroom. “Brush your teeth.” I eat the other banana, leaving the peel on the tray, and follow him into the bathroom.

He’s barely able to keep his eyes open as he rinses off his toothbrush and shuffles back into the bedroom. “Pita, down.” A few seconds later, there’s a heavy thump on the carpet, followed by a long groan from Bjorn. “Bed is good. Whoever invented the bed is a genius.”

Grinning around my toothbrush, I wonder if he’ll be asleep by the time I get in there. I rinse my mouth and then the toothbrush, setting it in the stand, and sure enough, by the time I turn off the bathroom light and enter the bedroom, Bjorn is softly snoring, sprawled out on the big bed. Kissing him on the forehead, I turn off his light, then plug in my phone and crawl in next to him. With a click of the other bedside lamp, the room is bathed in darkness and I settle down on the pillow.

Bjorn rolls toward me, and even in sleep, he’s thoughtful, only taking my hand and holding it rather than pulling me against him and trying to spoon me. He can sleep that way and has done so, wrapped around Xander. But I can’t. I need space. Even so, I hold his hand and take a deep breath, letting it out slowly, trying to quiet my mind so I can process our session.

It was intense. Unexpectedly so. I knew it would be different from other sessions I’ve been in because of who Bjorn and I are to each other. Most of my previous scenes were with people I knew to varying degrees, but none intimately. And I’ve never worked with the goal of anything but aesthetic performance. I’d read several articles about the benefits of shibari for stress and control issues, but tonight was my first experience participating in that. And even in my hyperfocused state, the feelings of protectiveness and connection were potent.

Those feelings rush back in, once again making my heart feel twelve sizes too big for my chest. I squeeze Bjorn’s hand, appreciating how he cares for everyone around him. How I care for him. How I love him. How I’m in love with him. And it’s not scary or overwhelming. It’s comforting and steady. Maybe it’s because Bjorn and I have had an emotional connection with each other before, and we’ve found our way back. Maybe it’s just because it feels right.

What’s surprising is having those same feelings for Xander. And while that had been the hoped-for outcome of our dating experiment, part of me hadn’t really thought it would happen. I honestly believed I’d have a preference. Or love one of them more than the other. And based on our history, I assumed it would be Bjorn. But none of that is true. Even though he wasn’t with us physically tonight, Xander was with us all the same. Both as a presence and a missing piece. And I do miss him. I wish he was here now. I’m not sure we’d have achieved the same outcome with the shibari session, but Xander might have been able to give Bjorn more physical comfort.

I reach for my phone and open it to the messaging app.

Me: Miss you

Really, what I want to tell him is that I love him, but that won’t be happening for the first time via text. I’ll be seeing him in a few days, if not sooner, and I can tell him then.

Me: Don’t work too late

Xander: Probably one more hour sob emoji

Xander: Miss you too kissing_heart emoji

Xander: Where’s Bjorn?

Xander : And why aren’t you using the group chat?

Me: He’s sleeping

How do I tell him I didn’t use the group chat because I was feeling mushy, missing him , and wanting to have a private conversation? Plus, I wouldn’t want Bjorn to feel that I don’t want to be alone with him. Because I do. I love having time alone with both of them. But then I miss whoever we’re not with.

Me: Didn’t want his phone blowing up

Xander: Ahh. Makes sense

Xander: Sleep well. I’m off to finish grading tests

Xander: XXOO

Me: XXOO

Me: Good night