Chapter twenty

“Kait, how okay are you with me talking about your brother?” I ask as I walk into the living room and flop onto the couch next to her. It’s Thursday night, which means nineties movies and takeout. Lexi is collecting the food on his way home from class, and we have Jurassic Park all lined up to start as soon as he gets home.

“You can’t talk about your sex life, but other than that, chat away.”

“Not even to tell you I’m having the best sex of my life?” I ask with a dopey grin. She flops her head back.

“Ryder, seriously, no,” she groans. “I didn’t want to hear about your sex life when it wasn’t with my brother.”

“Okay, fine. I’ll tell you all about how obsessed with him I am instead. I want to crawl inside his skin and live there.”

“I don’t think normal people say they want to crawl inside someone’s skin and live there.”

“Obviously,” I tell her, rolling my eyes. “I don’t want to crawl into just anyone’s skin. I want to crawl into Lexi’s. He’s perfect and smart and gorgeous, and I’m an idiot for never seeing it before. Kait, there were four years where he and I could have been together.”

I keep thinking about this. All that time, we could have been together. It’s not even the sex. It’s just being with him. He makes everything brighter just by being around him.

“Yeah, that’s true,” she says with a shrug. “But just think, if Lexi had told you he was in love with you all those years ago, you might have had a fling or whatever, but you might not be where you are now. You probably needed those extra years to grow up.”

What the fuck?

“What about Lexi telling me he was in love with me?”

“Yeah, like if he told you in high school, you might not have what you have now,” she says, smiling.

“Lexi was in love with me in high school?”

“Since high school. Why are you repeating everything I’m saying? It’s annoying.”

“Because I didn’t know.”

“What do you mean?” Kait’s eyes go wide and the color drains from her face.

“What do you mean, ‘what do I mean?’ I didn’t know he had a crush on me. Why didn’t he tell me?”

“Shit, has he not told you this?”

just by being around him.

“Yeah, that’s true,” she says with a shrug. “But just think, if Lexi had told you he was in love with you all those years ago, you might have had a fling or whatever, but you might not be where you are now. You probably needed those extra years to grow up.”

What the fuck?

“What about Lexi telling me he was in love with me?”

“Yeah, like if he told you in high school, you might not have what you have now,” she says, smiling.

“Lexi was in love with me in high school?”

“Since high school. Why are you repeating everything I’m saying? It’s annoying.”

“Because I didn’t know.”

“What do you mean?” Kait’s eyes go wide and the color drains from her face.

“What do you mean, ‘what do I mean?’ I didn’t know he had a crush on me. Why didn’t he tell me?”

“Shit, has he not told you this?”

“No. No, I thought we just started liking each other this year. I didn’t know how it happened. That thing with Tucker went down, and then we were hanging out.”

I take a deep breath because I can’t wrap my head around it. Something sticks out though.

“You knew?”

“Yeah, I knew. I think everybody knew,” she says with a nervous smile, her knee bouncing anxiously.

“Lexi told everybody?” Why does that hurt? “Why didn’t he tell me?”

“Lexi didn’t tell anybody,” she says softly, stroking my arm. “Everybody could just guess. He looks at you like you created the moon and then hung it just for him.”

I would so fucking do that if it made him smile. I’d do anything to make my man happy.

“I’m so fucking clueless.”

I don’t know what to think about him being in love with me this whole time and not telling me. What to do with this information.

I hear a jangle of keys. I guess I don’t have any more time to process this.

The front door opens and shuts, and Lexi comes bounding into the living room with a huge smile.

God, he’s beautiful.

“So, I picked up the Indian food. We have definitely ordered enough for leftovers tomorrow. What movie are we watching, Ryder?” Lexi asks as he kneels in front of the coffee table and starts taking containers out. It feels like my voice has abandoned me.

When Kait and I don’t say anything, he looks up at us, eyebrows knotted in confusion. “What’s going on?”

“Are you in love with me?” I blurt. Lexi’s jaw drops in surprise. No shit, even I didn’t realize I was going to say that. He looks between Kait and me before taking a deep breath. I can see his resolve strengthen before my eyes.

“Yes, I am.”

Is there a word stronger than shocked? Because that’s what I’m feeling right now.

Lexi is in love with me.

I don’t even know how to process this right now.

He’s been in love with me for four years. Am I going to be playing catch-up? Do I even deserve him if I can’t tell how he feels about me? I need to think this all through.

“I should go,” I say, but I don’t move a muscle. His face drops.

“Oh, okay, but you should take the food with you. I’m…I’m not really that hungry.” He turns away and repacks the takeout bag. “I’m going to go to bed,” he says without looking at me as he rushes down the hall.

“I know I’ve interfered enough. More than enough. But I really think you need to think about what you do now,” Kait says seriously. “If you leave now, I’m pretty sure it’s going to break his heart, and you’ll blow your chance with him.” She stands from the couch and walks to the door. “Just message Gio or me if you leave so we can be here for him.”

The front door slams.

Fuck that.

Fuck anyone being here for him other than me.

Lexi is mine.

I may have been shocked, but I am not letting him walk out of my life. Four years he’s been in love with me, seeing me with hookups, hearing me talk about it. I would violently throw up if I knew he was with another man. I take a deep, calming breath. I am not going to let that happen. I am his now. I will be the best fucking boyfriend ever because he deserves that. He deserves everything he wants.

And it sounds like what he wants has always been me.

I rush to his bedroom and knock once before barging in. Lexi is sitting on his bed, looking totally despondent, with tears rolling down his face.

The sight breaks my heart. I vow then and there that I will never make him cry again.