26. Taylor

"Tears contain a natural painkiller that can reduce pain and improve your mood." ~ Tim Rhodes

My jaw was practically unhingedas an aggressive yawn claimed me, and I rubbed my heavy-lidded eyes. When I was in my twenties and even my early thirties, I'd been able to pull all-nighters easily. Now, in my mid-thirties, I wasn't fairing so well. My body ached in places I wasn't even sure I had muscles. Although that might have more to do with the triple-play sex-a-thon I'd engaged in last night than lack of sleep. If that was the case, it was totally worth it.

A thrill raced down my spine as I slid my key into the lock, remembering the way Remi touched me, kissed me, and held me. Being in his arms was the most relaxed, happy, and content I could ever remember feeling. Which was why, in the middle of the waiting room, I'd almost put my arms around him just to feel it again. Thankfully, I'd been called back in before I'd done something so out of character for me. There was enough of that happening without any active participation on my part. I had to draw the line at premeditated, uncharacteristic acts.

I walked inside, set my bag down on the entry table, and slipped off my clogs as another yawn overtook me. The bed was calling my name as I looked down the hall. I had eleven hours before I had to be back at the hospital. Kenna was due to bring Harper home in an hour or so, and then she was going to stay with me this week to help me with her. I was tempted to lay down on the couch and catch a quick cat nap, but I thought my time would be better served seeing what I had for dinner.

My eyes were barely open as I walked into the kitchen and flipped on the light. When I did, I saw someone sitting on my back porch. His back was to me, but I immediately recognized him. I would know those broad shoulders anywhere.

I opened the back door, and Remi's head turned as he looked back at me over his shoulder.

"Hey, what are you doing here?"

"She won't tell me what's going on," he explained as he stood.

I figured this visit had to do with his mom, but that's not what I was asking. "Okay, but why are you sitting back here? On the back porch."

"I didn't think you'd want anyone to see me waiting on the front porch."

Shit.That's what I felt like—a piece of shit. Because he was right, I absolutely would not have wanted anyone to see Remi waiting on my front porch. He'd listened to me last night. He'd paid attention and adjusted his behavior accordingly. Who did that? Certainly not any of the men I'd dated in the past.

Why did he have to be so fucking perfect? And why did I have to be so fucked up that I would be embarrassed that a man that perfect was at my front door?

Remi took a step forward and stopped about six inches in front of me. My heart broke as I stared up into the depths of his dark brown eyes. I could see and feel his pain.

"She said it's an iron deficiency and a virus. I know it's not an iron deficiency and a virus."

I took my Hippocratic oath very seriously. In all the years I'd practiced medicine, I'd never been tempted to break it. But I'd also never been in this situation before.

"Come in." I stepped to the side, and he walked into my kitchen and sat down at the table.

The table we'd had sex on last night. The table he'd made me come on, so hard, I saw stars. The table I'd sanitized as soon as I woke up but would never be able to sit at without thinking about how he felt inside of me, slamming into me.

He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his thighs as his shoulders slumped in defeat. "Is it cancer? Is it worse? What's worse than cancer?"

"I can't tell you anything about her diagnosis."

He lifted his head. His gaze met mine, and his eyes were pleading, silently begging me to tell him something, anything. But then a resignation settled over him. My heart was breaking for him before, but that look caused it to shatter into a million tiny pieces.

"I'm sure she'll tell you when she's?—"

"No. She won't." He shook his head. "She'll take this to the grave. Literally, if it's as bad as I think it is. Remember when I told you how stubborn she is?"

He had told me that during our ‘practice date.' I thought back to that night—how simple, how exciting, how much I'd felt like we'd been floating in a bubble. That bubble had definitely burst. I wished we could get a little bit of that magic back and just be Kyle and Ana. Actually…

I took a deep breath. "I don't know if this will help, but a friend of mine, Kyle, his mom has Lupus and myocarditis, a secondary heart condition."

My heart was pounding in my chest. I didn't break rules. Ever. I didn't even bend them. I loved rules. Rules made people accountable. I liked accountability. This man made me question who I even was.

"Lupus and myocarditis," he repeated slowly.

I nodded. "Yes, that's what Kyle's mother has."

"Is it… Is she going to be okay? What should Kyle's mom do?"

"Lupus is an autoimmune disease. There's no one-size-fits-all treatment. But a good rule of thumb is that she should stop ignoring her symptoms. She should see her specialists. She should rest. She should avoid stress."

"But she's going to be okay?" He asked again.

"I don't know Kyle's mom's history or lifestyle well enough to make any promises, but I do know that rest, nutrition, and living as close to a stress-free life as possible is a good place to start."

He nodded, and I saw something in his eyes change.

"Thank you." His arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me between his legs. I stepped forward, and his cheek rested against my stomach as he held me tightly and repeated, "Thank you."

I looked down at the top of his head and ran my fingers through his hair. I tried to ignore how good it felt to be in his arms again. I'd never enjoyed being hugged, but I would gladly live the rest of my life in Remi's embrace if I could.

He looked up at me and grinned. It was his half-grin that did funny things to my insides.

"What?" I asked.

"You're not wearing your scrubs."

"No. I change at the hospital." I always showered and changed back into regular clothes before coming home.

"Do you always do that?"

"Yes."

"Hmmm," he made a non-committal sound.

"Is that a problem?"

"When I saw you today in your scrubs, I had some thoughts. Dirty thoughts."

My lips curled in a grin. "Your mom was in the emergency room after collapsing, and you saw me and had dirty thoughts?"

His left shoulder lifted in an unapologetic shrug. "Yeah. It's not my fault, though. You look so fucking sexy."

My head fell back as I laughed. "No one looks sexy in scrubs."

"You do." His hands began to rub up and down my back and lowered over my ass.

Unable to resist him, and those huge brown eyes staring up at me, I bent down and pressed my lips to his. The kiss began slow and gentle. But as I pulled his bottom lip between mine and bit down lightly, it turned into something else. Remi took over. His right hand gripped the back of my neck and angled my head to give him full access and control. I instantly surrendered to him. I climbed on his lap, straddling him. His left hand slid under my shirt. I lifted my arms so he could pull it off when I heard a sound that caused me to freeze. A key was turning in the lock.

"What?" he asked. "What's wrong?"

"Shh. Kenna's here, with Harp." I scrambled off of him, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw the front door opening. Without thinking, I pushed the pantry barn door open and shoved Remi inside before shutting it again.

I'd barely managed to slide it back in place before Harp raced around the corner.

"Mommy!" she called out as she jumped into my arms.

"Hey, Peanut!" I held her tightly, and she started to wiggle.

When I sat her down, she took off racing down the hall. It was then that I noticed my daughter's hair was in a side ponytail, and it was teased. She had on bright orange fishnet fingerless gloves and neon green leg warmers.

"Bathroom emergency," Kenna explained as she set Harp's backpack down.

Even though the only thing I could think about was getting Remi out of the pantry and the house without being detected, I was briefly distracted. My cousin was decked out in a bright pink tulle mini-skirt, an off-the-shoulder crop top, lace leggings, and electric blue pumps. She had about fifty brightly colored bangle bracelets on one arm and a huge black bow on the top of her head.

"Was there an '80s party I didn't know about?" I asked.

Kenna smiled. "We watched Desperately Seeking Susan and then played dress-up."

"You had all that lying around?"

"Of course," Kenna replied as if that was a given.

In fairness, it should be a given. Kenna had always been obsessed with the '80s. She maintained she was born a decade too late.

My cousin stepped closer to me, which meant she was closer to the pantry, and I said a silent prayer that Remi wouldn't sneeze or make some other noise, drawing her attention to it.

"Before little ears come back, I have to tell you my brilliant idea," she whispered.

"Brilliant idea?"

"Yes, when I was watching D.S.S. today, I figured out how we can find Kyle."

"What? No." I shook my head and tried to walk past her to get her away from Kyle, who was hiding a foot away from her, but she blocked my path. "I don't want to find him."

"Yes, you do. You explicitly said he's the best sex you ever had. We can't just let that quality D go without doing everything in our power to find him."

Internally, I did a mental face slap. Why had I told Kenna that particular detail? Why had I told her anything? In fairness to me, I'd texted her that information on the flight home, thinking I would never see him again.

"I need to go check on Harper." I tried again to walk around her, but she grabbed my arms, halting my escape. At this point, I was more worried about Remi not hearing what was going to come out of Kenna's mouth next than getting him out of the house.

"Just listen. I'll make an anonymous post, Desperately Seeking Kyle?—"

"Kenna, no," I blurted out, but she just kept talking over me.

"I'll leave enough hints in it about your guys' meet-cute and hotel hookup that he'll know it's him, but I won't say what he called you. That's what I'll ask for as proof of his identity."

"Kenna, stop." I tried again, but she bulldozed right over me.

"It will go viral, and then I'll weed through all the crazies and psychos until I find the message where he says you were his Ana," she emphasized with a swoon.

"No. Just stop!" I didn't mean to raise my voice, but this was all more than I could handle with no sleep.

Her eyes widened. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing; I'm just tired. Sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you."

She stared at me for a second before asking, "Wait, did you already find Ky?—"

Before she could finish her question, Harp ran back into the room. "Auntie Kenna, I left Ariel in your car. Can you get her for me?"

Thankfully, Kenna dropped this line of inquiry, although I had a feeling she was going to revisit the subject.

"Yeah, I have to get my bags, anyway." Kenna turned to go back outside.

"Harp, go with Auntie Kenna. You were the one that left Ariel out there."

Harp nodded and skipped out with my cousin.

As soon as the front door shut, I quietly pulled the barn door open and found Kyle, aka Remi, grinning from ear to ear. I ignored his smug smile and rushed him to the back door.

"Wait for them to come back in before you go out the side." It was common sense that I was sure he knew, but I felt the need to tell him anyway.

As he walked past me onto the porch, he paused. "Best sex you ever had, huh?"

I sighed. "Like you didn't already know that."

His grin widened before he leaned down and pressed a kiss to my forehead, and then he was gone. I shut the back door and moved to the kitchen, lifting my hand to where his lips had just been. A ghost of a tingle lingered, and something clicked inside of me.

Earlier, I had questioned who I was with him, and now I knew. When I was with him, I was the most authentic, real version of myself. All of my walls just fell away. All of the armor of protection I wore on a daily basis was stripped away. When I was with him, I felt seen, I felt loved, I felt…safe. That realization had tears pooling and falling down my face. I wasn't a crier. I could count on one hand the number of times I'd cried in my entire life, but now the floodgates were open.

When I heard the front door again, I wiped my cheeks and sniffed back all the emotion that I'd compartmentalized, that I'd filed away, that I'd put into a box and locked. One day, I'd allow myself to have the breakdown I deserved, but today was not that day.