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Chapter 20

CHAPTER 20

Jacaranda

I caught the door before it slammed behind me. Sarah’s doing. What’s got her so —

“You should have told me!” she yelled, whirling around in a fury to face both of us.

Deacon responded in a cautious tone, “Told you what?”

“About you and Rex!” she said, stepping up to him and jabbing him in the chest with her finger. “I’m walking around here like an idiot, thinking I’m wrapping him around my finger, when he’s probably sitting there, thinking I’m a moron for obviously not knowing about the two of you!”

Deacon jammed his hands on his hips. “Do I need to tell you everything about every single Ladrian that I know, and who we might ever meet, Sarah? We’ll be at it for a very long time.”

“You wanna be petulant now?” Her voice rose incredulously.

His eyes narrowed on her. “I am not being petulant.”

“You’re being a damned child and you’re treating me like one!” she continued angrily. “I can handle the fact that you have a past, Deacon. Everyone has a past. I know you’re not straight—obviously—so what does it matter? So, he’s an ex you aren’t terribly proud of. Everyone has one or two of those, even me. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. You should have told me.” Then she switched her glare to me. “Both of you.”

“ I’m in trouble now?” I asked, feeling wrongly accused. “I died today, so maybe we—”

“You what ?” she squeaked.

“Yeah, he did,” Deacon said, still fuming. “And my hands got mangled trying to save him, but you wouldn’t know any of that because you’re too busy flirting with Rex and yelling at me!”

Her eyes went wide, back and forth between us, and her temper simmered down. “What happened?”

“There’s some kind of beast with tentacles in the moat,” I began, trying not to throw up while I thought about what had happened. “When I got near Rex’s office to break in, it—”

“You were breaking into Rex’s office when it attacked you?” Deacon asked, interrupting me.

“Yeah. I was about to pry the window open. It’s on the first level and a couple windows down from here.”

“I’ll bet that’s why that thing attacked you. He’s probably trained it to—”

“Jac, what happened?” Sarah frantically cut him off, worry written all over her face.

“It wrapped me up in its tentacles and dragged me into the water. I couldn’t get out…” I was dizzy just recalling what had happened, and I fell onto the bed on my back. “I remember saying goodbye to the both of you in my mind, before…” I took several deep breaths and Sarah sat on the bed next to me, stroking my leg. “I’m okay. I just…the next thing I knew, Deacon was there, breathing life into me.”

She glanced at Deacon, to where the wounds on his arms and fingers had once been, but had since healed. “What happened to your hands?”

“Coral beneath the water,” he said gruffly. “A lot of it.”

Her brow furrowed in confusion. “Why are they okay now?”

“Rex’s staff doctor,” he said, recalling the guy that had fixed us both up. “I think he used some kind of magic, not medicine—”

“Yeah, I think so too,” I said as I sat up. “The doctor felt off . I wasn’t sure if he was going to heal you or try to kill you.”

“Same here,” he said.

Sarah took my hand in hers and gave it a gentle, caring squeeze. Then she reached out for Deacon. He reluctantly came forward and took her free hand.

She looked at me first, genuine contrition in her eyes. “I’m sorry, Jac. I’m sorry something so awful happened to you and that I was cranky with you.”

“Forgiven, always,” I said, and meant it.

“Deacon.” She sighed and glanced up at him. “I’m sorry. I know Rex is a character, and stuff with exes can be weird—”

He stiffened and yanked his hand away. “I don’t talk about my past with him. Ever. Not to anyone.”

“I’m not just anyone,” she said, sounding hurt. “I’m your consort.”

“Not even you,” he replied bitterly, then looked away.

Tears welled in her eyes, and when she started to cry, it broke me. After everything I had been through for the day, I was too weak to try to hold myself together. Hearing her sniffle was a dig into my ghost.

“I would tell you anything, Deacon,” she said, her voice catching on a sob. “Anything at all. Why won’t you do the same?”

“Then tell me this,” he said in a harsh tone as he folded his thick arms over his chest. “Did you let Rex possess you?”

“I…” she looked at me, confusion haunting her still damp eyes. “I didn’t think he could, since we’re united. How—”

“Because we’re united,” Deacon cut in, “you would have to choose to let him inside of you. Did you?”

“No!” she insisted, looking and sounding wounded because of Deacon’s doubts. “Of course I didn’t!”

“You know she didn’t, Deacon,” I said in a low, warning tone, wanting him to back off. “She didn’t even know it was possible.”

His ire turned to me for a new target. “She could be lying.”

“You need to listen to yourself,” I said, getting back up to my feet to stand off with him. “Sarah has never been anything than completely honest with you, and you go saying something like that? You owe her an apology for that, and you owe me one, too.”

“ You ?” He scoffed.

I stared at Deacon, not recognizing this self-centered version of him. “I’m tired of seeing you get twisted up over Rex and his bullshit, Deacon. It’s exhausting. You are not yourself around him. The sooner we get done with him the better, and you know it.”

The corner of his lip twitched with a sneer as he glanced from me to Sarah, then back again. “My apologies. I have clearly become too much for the both of you to deal with, and that is unfair for you. You two should sleep in your own quarters tonight. I would not want you to have to deal with me when I am having a hard time of things. My feelings are of no consequence, apparently, and I do not wish to inconvenience the two of you. I will go be by myself now, out of consideration for your feelings. And thank you for asking how I am doing with all of this.” He stormed out to the balcony, slamming the door behind himself.

“That passive aggressive jerk!” Sarah sobbed. “He’s such an idiot, and a fool!”

I was inclined to agree with her, but I had bigger problems in mind. It was the only way for me to cope when Deacon was in a snit. I sat next to her again.

“We should just…focus on the conduits and that situation. He’ll calm down.”

“I don’t want him to calm down, Jac!” she said, swiping at the tears that had rolled down her cheek. “I want him to talk to me. I’m his consort. He should be willing to tell me anything, right?”

I sighed, feeling torn between the two people I cared about the most. “In an ideal world, there wouldn’t be anything to tell.”

“What is it between them?” she insisted, then narrowed her gaze at me. “I know you know. You two seem to know everything about each other. What happened? How bad was their break-up?”

I took a deep breath as my stomach churned. It wasn’t my secret to tell. “I would rather keep my eyes on the future, instead of the distant past that doesn’t mean anything right now.” I took her hand in mine, rubbing my thumb along the back of her knuckles to hopefully distract her.

“It means something to me.” She pouted. “Wouldn’t it bother you, if Deacon kept things from you?”

“Yes, but—”

“See? You know everything about him.” She shook her head and looked away, her voice small when she next spoke. “I always feel like I’m playing catch-up with you two.”

My heart genuinely hurt for her. “I’m sure I would feel the same way if you two had known each other forever, and I’m sorry you feel like that, Sarah.”

“I don’t mean just about this stuff.”

She looked at me again, and there was something in her eyes that reminded me of the way that people on the streets of Faithless had looked at me yesterday, when we’d arrived. Like I was moneyed or special in some way, and they were jealous of me.

“You two are so much smarter than me, Jac,” she said in a soft, aching whisper. “And I don’t—”

“What the fuck, Sarah?” Pure shock jolted me back to my feet, my head spinning as much from the quick movement as her words. “What are you talking about?”

In a strangely deep, sarcastic voice, she mimicked, “Do they not teach astrophysics on Earth?”

I knew she was upset, but her imitation of Deacon was comical, and I almost laughed. “That was supposed to be Deacon, right?”

“Don’t smile at me like I’m being an adorable idiot, Jac,” she said, upset once more. “I can’t take it from you, too!”

“Sarah, we are not smarter than you—”

“Yes, you are!” she insisted. “You said it yourself that your six-year-olds could graduate my high school, when I barely finished high school! I’m dumber than a six-year-old Ladrian, and I can’t take it!” She jumped to her feet, and very quietly mumbled, “I don’t…I don’t know what you two even see in me.”

“You,” I said immediately. “We see you .”

“ He doesn’t,” she said, stabbing a finger at the closed balcony door. “He doesn’t see me at all. I’m just…I don’t know what I am to him. But it can’t be much, if he treats me like this.”

I took her hands in mine, trying my best to soothe her. “You’re upset. You’re not thinking clearly—”

“Oh?” she asked, jerking her hands back as if my touch burned her. “When did you take psychology classes? When you were seven?”

“Nine, but that’s not the point—”

“Yes, it is the point,” she said, her tone sad. “You and Deacon…you two have this impenetrable bond between you. I was a fool for thinking there could be room for me in it. Or that either of you could love me.”

“I do— we do.” I tried to reach for her again, but she pulled away. “Please, just talk to me about this, Sarah. You’re not a fool, we’re not smarter than you—”

“How can you say that?” She jutted her chin out stubbornly.

“Because there is a big difference between education and smart,” I said, speaking from my own experience. “Don’t you think I know how you feel? When it comes to me and Deacon, being classed he’s had twice the schooling I ever did, going from primary to the academy like he did. All I ever did was primary, and I flunked out of that because I was too busy scouting for his family. But I know I’m not stupid—I’m just as smart as anyone else, educated or not. Smart is about how you use your knowledge, and you, my sweet consort, are smart. Smarter than most, to be honest.”

Doubt still filled her pretty eyes. “Then why do I feel so dumb around the two of you?”

I sighed in frustration, because I didn’t know how to fix her perception of herself. “Maybe because…Deacon and I have been together forever and we do have that bond you spoke of, so sometimes it’s easy for us to shut out anyone who isn’t us. But that’s not okay, and I’m sorry we have ever made you feel that way. Neither of us think of you like that.”

She gave me a skeptical look. “You said the thing you two see in me, is me, right?”

I nodded, hoping that I was finally getting through to her. “Yes.”

“And you both love me?”

I told her the truth. “More and more every day.”

“So, if Deacon can see me, and he does love me, then how can he still treat me like some lying slut?” her voice became garbled on the last word as she began to cry. “Is that how he treats those he loves?”

I felt as helpless as when the tentacles had me in their grip earlier that day. I tried to take her in my arms to comfort her, but she backed away. “I won’t make excuses for his behavior. He needs to apologize.”

“Tell me what happened between them, Jac,” she said, her eyes pleading with me. “At least I’ll know something about him, before we all die trying to hunt down the rogue conduits.”

Deacon’s secret burned in my gut, trying to escape my mouth. But I couldn’t do that to him. It wasn’t my place, and ultimately I was loyal to him. “I’m sorry, Sarah, I just can’t—”

“Fine.” She stomped angrily out the bedroom door, slamming it shut behind her.

I pretty much died today, but this is worse. I flopped back onto the bed, before I decided to do something about the mess in my love life.

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