5. Grant

CHAPTER5

GRANT

This is going too fast, but I see no way in slowing it down. I thought I’d have days to get myself together, but already I can see everything coming to a head. I shouldn’t have asked, but I also knew that the first opening I had, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself. This has been on my mind for the last seven years, and I haven’t had the balls to ask her before now. And now she’s telling me that since the day we said I do, she hasn’t been with another man.

She doesn’t turn to look at me, but at least she’s no longer trying to escape. My voice is husky and filled with emotion. “Honey.”

I move to stand beside her. “Look at me.”

She raises her head and looks at me through hooded eyes. It takes everything in me to not lean down and kiss her. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

She shakes her head, but it doesn’t hide the pain reflected back at me in her eyes. “It doesn’t matter, Grant.”

I put my finger on her chin and tilt it up. “Everything about you matters. Tell me what’s wrong.”

She takes a step back and puts distance between us. “It’s nothing.”

I give her a soft smile. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

She nods, and I look back at the bed. Talking here is probably not a good idea, so I point down the hallway. “Want to talk in the living room?”

She nods and disappears out the door. I follow behind her, and when she sits down on the couch, I sit on the coffee table in front of her. She has her hands held together in front of her, and she’s staring at her fingers.

I wrap both of my hands around hers. “When we got married seven years ago, I didn’t really think things through…”

She tenses and tries to pull from me, but I’m not letting her go. “No, listen to me, Jane. Let me just get this out.”

She nods her head, and I start to ramble. “I married you because I couldn’t leave you. Your brother was my best friend, but it’s more than that. I wanted—I needed—to know you were going to be okay. I thought I could leave you here in my house and go on about my life, but I couldn’t. You’re all I’ve thought about.”

Finally, she looks at me, and I continue. “I went out with the guys a few times and the first time after we got married, I didn’t think anything of it. A woman was flirting with me—”

Her eyes widen, and I rush the rest out. “Hear me out. A woman was flirting with me, and it didn’t feel right. I left immediately, and all I could think about was you.” I take a deep breath and let it out. “I know what you thought back there. I know you thought I cheated on you, but I didn’t. I haven’t dated anyone since we got married, Jane.” As if that’s not enough, I put it all out there. “I haven’t talked, flirted, kissed, or had sex with someone else. Our vows meant something to me that day.”

Her forehead creases. “I want to believe you…”

“But you don’t?” I ask her with surprise.

She shakes her head. “It’s been seven years, Grant. You’re telling me that you weren’t with anyone else, but you weren’t here with me either. And don’t tell me in those seven years, you couldn’t have come home. I’ve seen you once, and even that one time you came home, you ended up leaving early.”

I lean my head down and shake my head. She’s exactly right. I could have come home a hundred times and chose not to. But I couldn’t. How can I explain it to her? I owe it to her to try. “Right. You’re right, but there’s more to it. The one time I came home, I was still trying to convince myself to do the right thing. You were nineteen, Jane. I sort of forced you into this whole situation and—”

She cuts me off. “You didn’t force me into anything.”

I shrug my shoulders. “I took advantage of you. You were eighteen and didn’t have many other choices. I got you into this.”

She lifts her hand up. “You’re making it sound like I didn’t have a say in any of this. I wanted this, Grant. Even then, I knew I wanted this and even more so now. I’ve grown up these last few years, and I wouldn’t change my past… not any part of it.”

I take a deep breath, waiting for the guilt to assuage, but it doesn’t. For so long, I’ve felt the guilt of getting her into this. She’s been alone all this time when she deserved more. I know I didn’t do the right thing. I could have helped her without forcing her to marry me, but it didn’t cross my mind at the time. I have so much to make up to her.

She tilts her head to the side. “So you’re saying that when you came home, you wanted—” she stops and clears her throat as a pretty blush comes across her cheeks.

I cross my arms over my chest and stare at her. “I wanted you.”

She blinks. “And now?”

I smile and shake my head. “Oh, honey, I still want you. There’s no reason for me to deny it, but we’re practically strangers. I wish I could say I’m ready for us and our marriage, and I know I’m an ass to even ask this, but I need some time, Jane. I have some things I’m working through, and I need to get my shit together so I have something to offer you.”

She scrunches her nose up. “Something to offer me? I don’t need any ‘thing.’ I need you. That’s all.”

I put my hands on her thighs and lean toward her. “Let’s get to know each other. We skipped that in the beginning…”

She nods her head. “Okay. I think it’s a good idea.”

She opens her mouth and closes it again.

I shake my head and squeeze her legs. “If we’re going to do this, you have to talk to me. If you have something to say, say it. You can tell me anything.”

She covers my hands with hers and lifts them between us. I look at our intertwined fingers and wait for her to answer. She starts by saying, “You can tell me no.”

“I’m not going to tell you no.”

The smile on her face lets me know I said the right thing. She squeezes my hands. “Okay, so seriously, you can tell me no, and I’d completely understand. My friend has planned a welcome home party this Saturday. It’s at the park…”

She stops talking, and I know it’s because of the frown on my face. I try to soften it, but it’s no use. The idea of a party makes me want to run away. There’s no part of me that wants to mingle with people I don’t know.

Jane shakes her head. “Forget it. I’ll tell her to cancel it.”

There’s no hiding the disappointment on her face. “Jane, parties are not really my thing.”

She nods. “Okay, I completely understand. It’s no big deal. She’ll understand.”

The fact that she’s smiling at me and not pouting at the fact I told her no has me changing my mind. For her, I can do anything. “If I do this, will you stay by my side the whole time?”

Her head jerks up, and she scoots to the end of the couch. Her legs are between mine, and I squeeze them. She looks at me worriedly. “First of all, you’re probably going to be sick of me by Saturday and wish I’d give you some space. But seriously, we can do it another time.”

The fact she thinks I’m going to get tired of her has me wanting to do this for her. “It’s fine. I’ll go.”

She bites on to her lip. “There’s something else.”

“What is it?”

She sucks in a breath and blows it out slowly. “My friends all think we’re really married.”

“We are really married.”

She nods and searches my eyes. “Right, well, they think we’re in love.”

I open my mouth to say we are in love, but I don’t think she’s ready for that. The idea of this party is getting better and better. I will have no trouble at all acting as if we’re a real couple and that I love her. “It will be fine.”

She raises her eyebrows. “Are you sure? I can cancel.”

“I’m sure.”

She nods her head, and I lean forward, pressing my hands to each side of her face. “Jane.”

Her eyes widen. “That day we got married, I wish I had kissed you. That I really kissed you… Can I do that now?”

“Yes,” she whispers.

I don’t waste another minute. I lean in and press my lips to hers. I try to hold back, I really do, but as soon as our lips touch, I’m completely overwhelmed. I’ve imagined kissing her for what feels like forever, and now that I am, I don’t want it to end. I tilt her head and deepen the kiss. When she gasps, I slide my tongue along hers. Her whimper is my undoing, and I know I need to stop before this gets out of hand.

I pull away, and her eyes are shades darker and filled with desire. She touches her fingers to her lips and stares at me with surprise. I swipe my thumb across her swollen lip. “That was even better than I imagined, Jane.”

She smiles and nods.

So I continue. “I don’t want you to feel pressured. We’re going to take this slow…”

“Okay. I don’t feel pressured. But okay.”

I’ve barely slept in the last three days, and there’s no holding back the yawn that takes hold of me. As soon as I do, she pops up. “Go to bed, Grant. We can talk more in the morning.”

I want to stay here and talk to her. Who am I kidding? I would love to have her in my arms and feel her against my body the whole night, but I know that’s not possible. Not only because it’s too fast but also these night terrors are impossible to predict. “Go on up to bed. I’m going to lock up down here.”

She starts to walk away and then stops. She pounces on me, wrapping her arms around my waist. Even though her voice is muffled, I can hear her plainly. “I’m so glad you’re home, Grant. Thank you for coming back to me.”

I wrap my arms around her and kiss the top of her head. It’s at this moment that I’m one hundred percent positive that I’ve made the right decision. Now I just hope I don’t screw it up.