35. Natalya

Chapter 35

Natalya

L ev ignores my calls for the next couple of days.

It’s hard to drag myself out of bed. I feel rotten, absolutely rancid, but Alex is there for me. I don’t know what I’d do without him encouraging me to keep going.

“We’ll talk to him after he cools down. He’ll come around.” Alex kisses me in the shower and holds me when tears roll down my face.

I think he’s wrong though.

The only good thing to come from this is lunch with Pattie. Alex says he figures I’m safe for the time being while we work out things with Adriano, but he still makes me go somewhere near the apartment and forces me to keep a little panic button in my purse, just in case something bad happens. It’ll summon him he instant I touch it.

Pattie takes us to a little diner around the corner from her shop. It’s nice getting a little time to talk to a normal person for a while. Guilt over Lev is really eating at me, and I think Pattie can tell something’s going on, because after a little while she leans forward and puts her hand on mine.

“Listen kid, if there’s anything you want to tell me about, I’m a good listener. Well, mostly. Sometimes I talk too much.”

“Oh, uh, no, I’m okay, it’s just that—“ I clear my throat and look down at my coffee. “I’m pregnant, and I guess I’m a little scared.”

Which isn’t what I planned on talking about, or really planned on saying, but as soon as the words are out I realize how true they are.

I’ve been carrying around this low-level stress for a while. Things with Alex and the war with the Italians have forced that issue into the back of my mind, but it’s been there this whole time basically waiting for a chance to hammer itself home.

“Congratulations,” Pattie says warmly, a big smile on her face. “Oh hun, it’s totally normal to be nervous. You’re with that big, attractive guy, right?”

“Alex,” I say, blushing slightly. “Yeah, he’s the father.”

“And he’s supportive?”

“Extremely supportive. I think he wants to be a father more than I want to be a mother.” I sit back and cover my mouth with surprise. I can’t believe I just said that out loud—but it’s the truth.

I never really wanted to have kids. At least, not more than the general idea that one day it might happen. Now it’s here and there’s a kid growing in my belly, and I have to come to grips with the fact that I’m going to be someone’s mom much sooner than I ever planned.

Pattie laughs at my reaction. “Honey, seriously, it’s okay. We all feel that way.”

“Do you have ids?”

“Four children and nine grandkids.”

“No shit. Seriously?”

“Seriously.” She takes out her phone and proceeds to run me through the whole clan, from her eldest boy to her littlest grandchild.

There’s so much joy in the pictures, so many happy memories, an entire life of music and laughter and happiness. It’s honestly touching, especially the way Pattie talks about them, like they’re the most important things in her life.

“Weren’t you worried you were going to screw it up?” I ask once she’s finished.

“Oh, god, all the time. I’m pretty sure my first kid’s an anxious wreck because of me.” She cackles to herself and turns a spoon over in her hands thoughtfully. “But the truth is, kids are resilient. So long as you try and you’re kind to them and you do your best to give them some structure and discipline, they’ll be okay. The learning curve is steep, but when you’ve done it once, you can do it again.”

My eyes go wide. “I don’t think we’re talking about multiple kids yet. I’m just trying to get through the first.”

“You’ll change your mind, trust me. The second you see your husband with that little baby, your whole life is going to change.”

I keep thinking about that after we’re done eating. She invites me to another concert at the shop and I politely say I’ll think about it, even though I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to. Alex picks me up at the corner and drives me back to the apartment, and I keep staring at him as he drives. I’m not sure he even notices, but I picture him holding a baby, laughing as the baby smiles at him, cooing and doing baby talk as he changes yet another dirty diaper.

It softens him, or maybe it softens me, but I can see it. I can see Alex as a Dad, doing all the hard things and all the easy stuff too, but mostly being emotionally there for the kid. I know he’s desperate to be better than his parents ever were, and I’m completely sure that’s going to happen.

And for some reason, that takes away some of my stress.

Not all of it. I doubt that’ll ever happen. But just know Alex will be there no matter what, and he’ll take up all my slacks—that makes a difference.

“I have a surprise,” he says as we head up into the apartment.

“Oh yeah? Better than letting me out of my cage for once?”

He snorts with amusement. “It’s not a cage. More like a fortress for your own protection.”

“And yet since I don’t need it anymore, does that mean I have more freedom?”

His eyes narrow. “I don’t know about that.”

“You just like keeping me under control.

“I’ll admit there’s a certain pleasure in knowing where you are at all times.”

“It’s a sick and weird pleasure.”

“So judgmental.” His hand grips my ass hard and he pulls me against him. “And yet you fucking like it when I’m staring at you through the cameras. You like it that I can’t stop watching you.”

“I guess I’m sick and weird too.”

“Then we really are a good match.” He buries my mouth with his.

The kiss breaks off when the elevator reaches the penthouse. We head inside and he takes me to the guest room, but it isn’t the guest room anymore.

The bed’s gone. The dresser’s different. The place looks strangely barren.

Except now there’s a changing table and a crib. There’s a rocking chair and a pile of diapers. There are stuffies, a mountain of them, and I have no clue where any of this stuff came from.

I look around in shock.

“You did all this in an hour?”

“An hour and a half. You were gone for longer than I expected.”

I turn around and laugh. I can’t help myself. “IT’s a nursery.”

“For our baby.” He leans against the doorjamb. “Did you think we’d just… keep the baby in the living room?”

“No, of course not.”

“Well, I assume this room will turn into our child’s bedroom one day. I thought about giving up the office, but this is a better space.”

“No, you’re right. This is perfect.” I stare at the crib. It’s brand new and white, so damn white. The mattress has a flat light blue sheet pulled snug and tight. I lean down to run my hand over the soft fabric.

“What do you think?” He wraps his arms around me from behind.

“It’s perfect.” I turn and press my hands to his chest. I get on my toes to kiss him. “Is this why you got me out of the house?”

“It wasn’t my original plan, but I figured I’d take advantage of your absence to get started.”

“This is really happening.” I bite my lip and look down. He pulls me closer to him. “I was talking about it with Pattie. She basically told me not to worry.”

“She’s probably right. You’re going to be a great Mom.”

That finally breaks me. I try to blink it way, but I can’t stop myself. I start crying right there in the nursery.

“This should be a happy moment,” I tell him, feeling bad. “I’m just so emotional.”

“You have every right to be.” He hugs me tight. “But we’re in this together, baby. You and me. You know I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know that.”

“I’ll do anything for you.”

“For me? Not just for the baby?”

“For you.” He tilts my chin toward him. “You know how I feel about you by now.”

“You haven’t said it.”

“Do I need to?”

“I don’t know. Sometimes it’s nice to actually hear the words.”

His smile is gently. My stomach is a mess of butterflies and nerves. Why do I feel like I might melt on the spot? He leans down and kisses me.

“I love you, Natalya. Come on, don’t start crying harder.”

“IT’s not you,” I say, wiping my face. “I’m just happy. And feeling happy makes me feel guilty as hell because of Lev. It’s just such a mess.”

“No matter what happens with him, we’ll have each other. I won’t let you go.”

“Even though this is supposed to be just temporary?”

He smile is dangerous. “This stopped being temporary the moment you came into my life. It just took me longer than it should have to finally admit it.”

I kiss him again. “I love you too, by the way,” I whisper.

And he laughs. He squeezes my ass and hugs me to him. “I know.”

We stay like that together in our nursery, swaying slightly as we hold onto each other like we’re caught in the center of a storm and just trying to survive, but I see a path out of the darkness. It’s rocky and strewn with hidden traps, but if anyone can get me through, it’ll be him. It’ll be the man I’ve always hated. The man I’ve always loved.

The man that finally fills that lonely void in my heart.