INDIGO

On the morning of my date with Siobhan, I get set on the idea of staying in the hills. I used to call this place my home. It’s where I belong. I don’t need anything more.

With the house too quiet, I end up at a small diner located across from where Lorrie died. The place is nearly empty when I order my coffee. A few people come in and out over the next hour. Only the owner and a waitress are around when Caveman strolls inside. He gestures for them to leave.

“Aren’t you supposed to be heading south to pick up your lass for a date?” he asks, standing next to the table where I stare out the front window.

“I’m not sure I have it in me to be what Siobhan needs.”

Caveman nods and goes to pour himself a cup of coffee. When he settles in his seat, he rests his feet on another chair and leans back as if he won’t be going anywhere soon.

“You know I was seventeen when I took in my first little one. I’ve got a heart built for fatherhood. So, naturally, people often ask if I want to find a wife to help with all these kids. And I always say I’m open to the idea. But the reality is I’m too much of an asshole to keep a woman.”

“Is it the fucking?” I ask him as my gaze remains focused on where my mom died. “Zoot once said he couldn’t get married because he wouldn’t want to deprive his dick of variety. He claimed marriage demands monogamy which is a Latin word for boredom.”

“He’s full of shit. The reason he doesn’t have a wife is because he’s like me,” Caveman says and then smirks. “A charmless, weaker version of me, but we’re the same when it comes to being assholes. It’s a fundamental part of our makeup. We’re jagged and dangerous for any lass who tries to stick around.”

His words make me think of my mom. She longed for a man to love her and make the world easier. Instead, they used her body and slapped her around. Rather than a real person, she was viewed as nothing more than a leech with two kids and a head filled with crazy.

“I’ve wanted Siobhan for a long time. But I’m messed up inside. I knew I’d make her feel bad.”

“Well, there’s no denying you’re an asshole,” Caveman says after a long drag on his coffee. “You’re not a natural asshole. Life turned you into one, but you’re still a handful. Any woman who takes you inside her heart is asking for a helluva lot of drama.”

“Should I stay away from Siobhan?”

Caveman rubs his gray-and-black beard and studies me. “I know you boys from the farm look at Elvis as a fun fucker without a bad bone in his body. But the man’s an asshole.”

“He’s good to Aunt Fred.”

Caveman grins. “Back in the day, my sister loved to flirt. Winifred would bat her eyes at every man around. Plenty of fuckers made a play for her. Every time those fellas showed up for a date, my family would scare them off. Then, one day, Elvis O’Malley got it in his fat head to woo my sister. I had other plans for the asshole.”

I stare at Caveman and wonder why he’s always making things more difficult. He loves to fuck with Zoot who has zero sense of humor about anything. They often wrestle and punch each other. Caveman could sit back and enjoy life, but he likes stirring up shit. He really is an asshole.

“The O’Malley brothers were troublemakers. They came from losers. Elvis was the worst of them. He joked around a lot. I didn’t trust him at all. Even as a teenager, I knew the assholes who hid their assholeness were the worst kind of assholes. I was ready to make Elvis’s life miserable.”

I don’t know why his words make me tense. It’s not as if his antics from decades ago matter. Caveman didn’t keep Aunt Fred and Elvis apart, yet I’m still irritated by how he might have ruined everything with his behavior.

“I gave Elvis hell that first time he came to pick up Winifred. At one point, I was even ready to set the smartass on fire. Despite our best efforts, he didn’t run away or lash out. Elvis just kept smiling and waited for his prize. That’s when I learned there are two kinds of assholes. Some were like Zoot and me, unable to change even a tiny bit. Then, there were assholes like Elvis who could soften his edges enough for people to get close.”

“Elvis is the dad I always wanted,” I mutter, feeling territorial now. “He was never an asshole.”

“You met him as a kid looking for a home. Of course, you’re bound to romanticize him. But I can see clearly, and I think you and him are the same kind of assholes. ”

When I stare at the ground for long enough, Caveman bumps me. “Siobhan is a lot like her mom. If Winifred could love Elvis, there’s no reason why my niece can’t love you.”

“She’s just lonely.”

Caveman startles me by laughing. “Boyo, you’re stupid as fuck if you believe a woman like Siobhan isn’t lonely by choice. If she didn’t want you, she wouldn’t settle. But maybe you can’t see her clearly.”

“She wants Sync.”

“They hooked up young. Once she made the leap into his bed, she was stuck. Not like she could ride a few more bikers at the farm to be sure. She held on, even after he started trying to knock her off. It was love, for sure, but it was young love. You’re not a young man like Sync was when he had his shot with Siobhan. You know what you want. I bet you’re willing to soften your jagged edges to make your heart safe for Siobhan and the twins.”

“I’d give her anything,” I say, glancing at the spot where I lost a part of my heart.

“Don’t be a wuss, though. Siobhan needs a man who stands up for himself. That’s why she likes bikers. Elvis might be a goofy fuck with his dancing and joking around, but he isn’t weak. He knows when to take charge.”

“What if I don’t?”

“You’ve gotten through life just fine without anyone holding your hand. Why does this thing with my niece need to be the exception?”

“I don’t understand how women work.”

“They work in the same way men work. Some are crazy. Some are evil. Most are complicated with bad and good days. Now, I know you had a crazy mom. Lorrie was several people wrapped into one. That confused you, but you’re old enough to realize she was just bipolar. Not a monster. Just a young woman with a loopy brain. But you’re not your mom.”

“What if Siobhan gets pregnant and the kid is like my mom?” I ask, feeling guilty whenever I think of the baby we made together.

“Then, you take care of the kid, get it help, let it feel safe. Just imagine if someone had done that for Lorrie. Your mom got unlucky, but your kid can have a whole different future ahead of it.”

Exhaling deeply, I hide my face in my hands and try to see past all the noise in my head .

“I love Siobhan. I like everything about her. Even those annoying things she does like flip out over nothing make me happy. I even like her lazy cooking. She makes the world better, and I want to be in her life. But as soon as I picture myself at her house or with her girls, things get mucked up.”

“That’s all bullshit in your head. If I thought like that, I wouldn’t have these weirdo kids in my house. I’d never run the Hills Chapter. Hell, I never would have gotten out from behind my mama’s skirt as a boy. You’re not weak, Indigo, but you’ve gotten spoiled. As a kid, you helped your mom and took care of your little brother. You were a tough little fucker. I still remember the first time I saw you. I knew you had a steel spine.”

“But you sent me to the farm because I was fucked up.”

“No, I sent you because you needed a mama, and I refuse to put on a dress for anyone.”

Chuckling at his bullshit, I think back to the night Caveman entered my life. I’d been in the back seat of our dumpy car with Bubby. Lorrie was making money in the only way she knew how. I heard her bumping up against the trunk as the guy thrust into her. Bubby started crying. He was cold and hungry. The only thing we had eaten in days was scavenged from Lorrie’s dumpster diving.

My mom was in a panic over our lack of money. She had started doing her apocalyptic talk, saying we would see God soon. Lorrie had been trying to find someone to give her money all day. When the man showed up, I saw hope in her eyes. Back then, I didn’t understand how Lorrie was a prostitute. However, I knew after the men were done with her, we had money and got to eat.

Except that night, after the guy finished, Lorrie wasn’t happy.

“It was a hundred,” I heard her say near the trunk. “This is just a twenty. Are you screwing me? I’ve got kids to feed, you asshole.”

Sometimes, I used to get lost in my head. I’d forget to go to the bathroom or eat, oblivious to my body’s signals. Other times, I was a live wire, reacting to everything around me.

When I heard the crack of the man’s hand across my mom’s face and her starving body slam into the car, I got yanked right out of my head. I was running on wild instinct. The door was heavy when I shoved it open and ran to her. I wasn’t big and couldn’t fight. But I still kicked the asshole when I saw my crying mom’s bloody nose.

That man grabbed me by the shirt and lifted me off the ground. I remember how the fabric tore. For a second, I was upset over my best shirt tearing. Then, the man pulled back his fist and launched it at my face.

Lorrie screamed and tried to block the strike, but it was too late. He punched me right in the nose. I felt like my face exploded. I couldn’t see anything. I thought I was dying. I rarely cried, but a wail of pain and fear burst from my lungs.

My mom wrapped her thin arms around me and used her body as a shield as the man began kicking us and yelling for me to shut up. I heard Bubby crying in the car. Despite my empty belly, I wished I hadn’t complained about being hungry. If I had stayed quiet, Lorrie wouldn’t have met this man. Everything would be better. I asked for too much and made everything worse.

The man’s voice shifted. I heard Lorrie’s sobs change. The noises around us were different. I noticed new voices. I worried the people would hurt Bubby.

“What the fuck is this?” Caveman hollered that night.

I peeked out from under Lorrie. My vision was blurred. I wasn’t sure what I was seeing at first. The man fell to the ground next to us. Lorrie shuffled away from him, but I wanted to get closer and see the fear on his face. His panic turned to rage when he noticed me staring at him.

Suddenly, his face exploded like mine had. Caveman’s boot rained down blow after blow. Lorrie hid my eyes after the man's nose caved into his destroyed face.

I don’t remember a lot of details about that night. I know we got to see a doctor and had a nice warm bed to sleep in. Oh, and we ate! I remember my stomach being so full when I cuddled with my mom and brother that night. I was happy enough to nearly forget my broken face.

Meeting Caveman made things better for Bubby and me. But Lorrie used her new friends as an excuse to run away. She would disappear for weeks or even months. When she returned, her body would be battered and her mind more scattered. She became less and less like the woman who played with me when I was little.

Lorrie was a train wreck, nothing more than dead weight, a waste of space, and all the other bad things people said about her. But I loved her more than I ever loved anyone else. When she died, I wanted to die, too.

That’s why living with Caveman and the people in the hills wasn’t enough to save me. I had to go to the farm, where I could get another mama. Aunt Fred hugged me and kept me close for years. I felt better, but I never forgot what was stolen from me when Lorrie got lost in her madness.

“I don’t want my kid to have fucked up parents,” I admit to Caveman as the pain over losing my mom burns a hole through me. “I don’t want my kid to hate himself.”

Caveman pats my back while I struggle to control the same pain holding me back all my life. When I was a kid, I wished he would love my mom and make her healthy. But Caveman was an asshole with no heart for loving a woman. He isn’t wrong about that.

“The twins aren’t perfect,” Caveman says, making me scowl at him. “They’re obnoxious little dummies who can’t even multiply by fives.”

“They’re only in first grade.”

“I still think they’re dumb.” Rolling my eyes, I hate how Caveman chuckles at my irritation. “They’re overly dramatic and get scared over stupid stuff. Yet, they’re not scared of bears at all. Everyone should be afraid of bears, but those little dummies think they’re cute.”

Caveman drinks his coffee and shrugs. “Despite them being bad at math and bear survival, they’re normal kids. Their parents broke up. Their dad is a dipshit. Their mom is notorious for pitching fits. Yet, the twins are perfectly okay. Why should your kid be any different?”

“It might die. Lots of babies die in their moms and even after they’re born.”

“That’s the kind of positive thinking I expect from you.”

“I want to be prepared for the bad things that can happen.”

“No,” Caveman grumbles and musses my hair. “Stop using your fucking head and just let your heart do what it wants.”

“That seems opposite of what you should be saying.”

“Your head is wired wrong, boyo,” Caveman says and glances out at the road. “That’s why you didn’t make your move with Siobhan years ago. You get all wound up on stupid shit. But your heart knows she’s the lass for you. You and Sync are a lot alike, but you have the one quality he always lacked, and that’s loyalty. You’re a step up for her, not down. Yet, your fucked-up brain won’t ever let you see that.”

Maybe I’m feeling broken down from thinking about my mom, but Caveman’s words hit me harder than usual. I always thought I was a lesser Sync. Caveman’s right, though. I’d never cheat on Siobhan. If she let me close, I’d never get restless or need my space.

“Should I act like me on the date?” I ask Caveman. “Is there a date routine people use?”

“Siobhan isn’t a lass you met on the street. You can’t pretend to be anyone except you. Besides, you’re looking to keep her, so honesty seems like a smarter move.”

“I don’t know how to date.”

“It’s not dating. It’s spending time with Siobhan. You know how to do that.”

“Maybe I do think too much.”

“Most definitely. I don’t think at all, and my life is much easier. You should try following your heart for a while and see how things turn out.”

“I followed my heart with Siobhan at the clubhouse. That didn’t turn out well.”

“Of course it did. She came up here, looking for a date. If you had really fucked up, Siobhan could have let you stay up here. You did good, but your dipshit brain keeps trying to derail your progress. Go with your heart. Trust in it,” Caveman says and then frowns out the front windows. “Does your heart want to stare at the spot where your mom died or is that your fucked-up head trying to replay the worst day of your life?”

“I don’t want to forget her.”

“But she lived twenty-six years before ending up on the asphalt out there. Why can’t you remember your mom at her best?” Caveman asks and then nudges me. “Isn’t there a single good memory you could be focused on instead of that road?”

“We went bowling that time with you.”

Nodding, Caveman rubs his beard and smiles. “Lorrie was a pretty good bowler. Didn’t even need the bumpers. What else was she good at?”

“She liked playing checkers and singing.”

“Did she have a good voice?”

“Yes.”

Caveman pats my chest. “That good feeling you’ve got right now is coming from your heart. It’s remembering the sweet mama you loved. Don’t let your brain hide her from you. Just like you can’t listen to it tonight when you’re with Siobhan. Just feel whatever you feel and trust it’ll work out. ”

Instead of focusing on the road, I picture Siobhan at her house. I smell her in the air and remember how she said my name when I was inside her. A burden lifts off my shoulders. I’m finally able to peel my ass out of the chair after feeling stuck there for hours.

Caveman doesn’t say anything as I stretch. He sips his coffee and watches the world pass by outside. I give him a head nod before moving toward the door. Outside, I avoid looking at where my mom took her last breath.

If I can turn off my brain for the evening, I might finally get what I want.