INDIGO’S EPILOGUE

Elvis once said some boys needed strong fathers to turn out right. Other boys needed a sweet mama to ensure they didn’t go wrong. His point was people were different. Not every boy who arrived at the farm would grow into a healthy man. There was no magic formula.

When he told me that, I considered how I never wanted a dad when I was growing up. I only hoped a man would love my mom enough to make her healthy. Of course, that didn’t happen, and I was in a freefall after her death.

The day I arrived at the farm, I barely took notice of Elvis or his daughters. I only saw Aunt Fred. When she smiled at me and asked if I wanted a hug, my world opened up. My heart could stretch out again. Whenever my sorrow zapped my will to live, I could seek out Aunt Fred and find a way to breathe again.

That focus on Aunt Fred blinded me to the power of a dad. I loved Elvis and Caveman and the other men who entered my life and made it better. However, I didn’t see their value like I did Aunt Fred’s.

As an adult now, I better understand what Elvis meant. Glen adores Siobhan. She offers him the softness and predictability his mother can’t provide. I know he loves her, but he doesn’t need her like he does me.

Puberty causes the boy to spiral. Glen gets angry about his parents. His mind fixates on everyone who hurt Nora and him growing up. He can’t see anything besides disappointment.

By this point, his father’s been moved to prison rather than jail. His latest charges will keep him locked up until Glen and Nora are adults. Glen can’t understand why his dad won’t stop getting into trouble. By fourteen, Glen’s the one starting fights and getting suspended. He also starts butting heads with Siobhan.

My woman is a ball of goofy sunshine, but she likes rules. Growing up on the farm taught her how people required boundaries or they’d turn out wrong. She’s the one who trained the dogs to stop whining all night. She even got tough with our pug, Blue, when he decided he wanted to be an indoor pet like the cat.

With Siobhan taking on the tough parent role, Glen focuses his anger on her. I’m the one to take him for long walks while we talk about his anger. He claims he doesn’t know why he’s mad. Or he’ll lie about everyone doing him wrong. I’ve heard the same bullshit from my club brothers when we were growing up. The world wasn’t fair. My parents ruined me. I have no power over my bad genetics. I was born to be a loser.

I listen to Glen when he wants to talk and ask him questions when he wants to hide in his head. We go over the same shit again and again until he breaks through his anger and sees the other side.

“My parents don’t love me,” he tells me.

“Not everyone knows how to love the right way. They don’t learn it when they’re young, and then they don’t do right by their kids. The cycle just keeps going. You can either choose to be like your parents or you can be better. It’s not an easy choice, but it’s one everyone makes.”

Glen doesn’t magically become calm and happy, but he starts putting the effort into being better. He agrees to go with Nora to visit their mom, who can be sweet when she’s clean and takes her doctor-prescribed medication. But it never lasts. She is always on the prowl for a man to love her. When that goes wrong, she throws aside her recovery and starts the cycle again.

Yet, every time she’s clean, she seems like a woman simply trying to do right by her kids. She even talks about having them come back to live with her.

“No,” Siobhan instantly replies, acting as the bad guy whenever the question arises. “If you want to spend a few days with the kids, we can go somewhere together. But they can’t stay alone with you overnight.”

Their mom always cries. Glen gets angry at Siobhan. Nora sobs over how she loves her mom but wants to stay with her new family. Their emotions get me tangled up in memories of Lorrie. Meanwhile, Siobhan sticks to her guns.

A few times, we stay at a hotel with their mom. Glen and Nora spend time with her while Siobhan and I entertain the little ones. In the end, Glen seems to realize his mom will never get better. Nora still holds out hope.

Two years later, when they’re both in high school, their mom dies of an overdose. The kids mourn her, yet they’re stronger by the time she’s gone. I think they see her clearer. That’s what helps me with Lorrie. Understanding her as a human being rather than just my beloved mommy got me past a pain I’d held onto for too long .

My younger sons don’t suffer from the same problems as their older siblings. Lorcan and Oisin enjoy easy lives surrounded by people they love. By elementary school, they’ve got a taste for roughhousing and think motorcycles are magic. I have no doubt they’ll want to follow in the family business.

Glen will, too. His best friends are all club kids. He likes hanging out at the farm. He seems most at peace when he’s riding with me. The world might not always make sense, but the club does.

At fourteen, Nora loses interest in cooking when she starts noticing boys. After a few broken hearts, she regains her focus and gets a job at a club-owned restaurant. Her dream is to attend culinary school and become a chef.

“I’ll be your business partner,” Caveman tells Nora during a visit to the house. “I only ask you to name something on the menu after me.”

In junior high, the twins become hardcore nerds. They’re at the top of everything. They plan to become lawyers and sue anyone who messes with their family.

Siobhan often tears up at the thought of them becoming badass lawyers. “My babies are going to terrify so many people.”

Bobby promises he’ll hire the twins when they’re older. As the years pass, my brother and I regain what was stolen from us as kids. Though we don’t have much in common, we share a natural rapport. He often comes to the house for dinner or parties.

With him still working for the club, I don’t need to separate him from my Backcountry Kings family. Occasionally, Bobby will join us for pool at the clubhouse. When he tries to keep up with Noble’s Negroni intake and ends up wasted, I drag my little brother to a back bedroom and make sure he doesn’t choke on his puke.

“You threw up a lot as a kid, too,” I tease him after he upchucks all the booze.

Life in the club is never truly quiet, but those next dozen years are especially relaxed. The Backcountry Kings feel untouchable. My kids get older and start their own adventures.

As the house empties, I find myself alone with Siobhan more and more. She’s still the woman I loved from afar for too long. Her blue eyes shine whenever I come home to her. When we’re out with our friends, I’ll sometimes catch her smiling at me as if she’s recalling a funny moment we’ve shared .

For a long time, all I wanted was for Siobhan to understand how much I loved her. Even if she couldn’t love me in the same way, I needed her to know my heart. By the time I spoke up, I’d lowered my expectations to the point where I just hoped she wouldn’t laugh when I shared my feelings.

Of course, Siobhan didn’t laugh or run away. She met my passion with her own. Once she claimed me, my heart beat differently. Every day, in little ways, I’m a better man. With Siobhan, I found a peace I could never find with anyone else.

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THE END