INDIGO

Leaving Siobhan isn’t easy after Lorcan is born. I’m in no hurry to return to riding the roads during the day or spending time at the clubhouse at night. Like Bear, Tack, and Pork Chop, I take paternity leave and stick close to home.

Yet, as the summer comes to a close, I find myself going out more with the guys. Once the kids are in school during the day, I begin running errands for the club. Siobhan, Natasha, and Hunter spend many days at each other’s houses. With everyone busy during the day, I want to be home at night.

Twice a week, I force myself to spend a few hours at the clubhouse with the guys. Zoot and Noble often drop by. They both seem relieved to find me back in the mix. Caveman occasionally shows up to annoy Zoot.

Tonight, I hang out with my friends at the pool tables. While Bear hassles Golden for making a poor shot, a waitress sidles past me and says, “Indigo, a man is asking about you at the main bar top.”

I instantly worry the press is digging around again. Two investigative journalists have tracked me down in the last month with offers to tell my story.

I’ve never read what the press said about me. I don’t know if I’m painted as a bad guy or a victim. Their truth doesn’t interest me. I know what happened. With Tommy’s plea deal, I won’t have to rehash anything in court. The city also agreed to a financial settlement, so I’m now flushed with cash for that perfect house Siobhan hopes to find.

“I can tell the fucker to fuck off,” Bear says, sounding a little buzzed.

“What if it’s a reporter who wants to talk to you about the attack on Natasha’s convoy?” Tack asks Bear. “Our faces were plastered on the news.”

“I’ll check it out,” I say when the men start eyeballing each other. “If it’s a reporter, I’ll get the prospects to throw him out.”

“Good plan,” Bear says overly loud.

Tack snorts at how buzzed our friend has gotten.

Bear looks at his Negroni and shakes his head. “How the hell does Noble drink this shit all the time?”

“Just drink beer and be normal, dumbass,” Golden scolds from nearby. “Why you gotta be like other motherfuckers when you could be like your motherfucker?” We frown at Golden who smiles in a sloppy drunken way. “I had two Negronis earlier, and they didn’t affect me at all.”

I don’t wait around for Bear and Golden to hash out their drunken complaints. Moving through the crowd, I arrive at the bar top, where the bartender gestures at a man speaking into a woman’s ear. I don’t recognize him from this angle and figure they’re reporters.

Once the man turns in my direction, I feel like someone’s taken a sledgehammer to my chest.

My brother recognizes me and starts to smile before hesitating. Bubby is wearing a buttoned-up shirt and black slacks, looking overdressed for the bar. The woman with him wears a summer dress. They look like they ought to be at a posh yacht party like Bear goes to with Natasha occasionally.

Bubby’s hair is the same color as mine, yet short and tidy. He has our mom’s shade of brown eyes, dark like chocolate.

“Do you want me to throw him out?” Tack asks, joining me near the bar.

“It’s my brother,” I reply.

Tack frowns at Bubby who responds by seeming nervous. I sometimes forget how intimidating my club family can appear to outsiders.

“Maybe you can take him into a back room to talk,” Tack suggests. “Can’t say shit out here.”

I gesture for Bubby to follow me. He hesitates and looks at the woman. She gives him the same encouraging nod that Siobhan gives me when I don’t know if I should leave her side.

My chest hurts as I walk through the partying people. I don’t see them. I feel detached from the world around me. Am I in shock?

Once inside a room across from where I made my son, I close the door and look around. I’m glad the place doesn’t stink of sex. Bubby never glances around, instead staring at me.

“I’m sorry I didn’t reply to your message years ago,” he says in a calm voice disconnected from his nervous demeanor. “I was still trying to figure things out.”

Shrugging, I shove my hands inside my pockets and feel like a kid rather than a grown man with his own children. Siobhan’s face flashes in my mind. I feel her with me, saying whatever happens right now won’t define me. If Bubby hurts me tonight, I can go home to her and heal .

“Figure what things out?” I ask, calmer now with Siobhan in my thoughts.

Bubby mimics me by shoving his hands in his pockets. “I won’t claim I had a bad life. I know you had it worse. But those people who took me in and rejected you weren’t easy to live with. They twisted me up for a long time. Since I’ve cut them out of my life, I can see things clearer now.”

“What things?”

“How they lied about you and tried to make me forget who I was,” Bubby says, wearing a pained expression. “They told people I was orphaned as an infant. They got me thinking how you weren’t my brother, as if I remembered wrong. After a while, I started thinking maybe I hadn’t known Lorrie or you. It’s difficult to explain.”

“You were little when you went to live with them.”

“I missed you,” he says, staring at the floor. “I asked about you. At first, they said you didn’t want to see me. Then, they said you had died. When I got older, they said you’d abused me, and that’s why I wasn’t allowed to see you. It wasn’t just one lie. They lied so much about so many things. I grew up unsure about what was true.”

“Did they hurt you?”

“Not physically. They’re weird people. Unhappy, I guess is the right word. I think they resented how they couldn’t have kids but someone like Lorrie could. They worried I’d turn out like her, so they twisted me up until I wasn’t sure who she was.”

“I’m sorry they were shitty,” I say, unsure why he’s here.

“I met Cathy when I moved to Virginia,” he says, glancing in the direction of the bar top. “She instantly disliked my parents. I’d never heard anyone say anything negative about them. I know it might seem strange to believe a grown man could be so brainwashed. But I was a scared child. I didn’t understand what happened to Lorrie or you. I wasn’t sure what was real, so I trusted my parents even when I knew they were lying. But Cathy saw right through them. Once she opened my eyes, I realized I wasn’t always Bobby. At one point, with you and Lorrie, I’d been Bubby.”

My chest hurts when I consider the night we first stayed with Caveman. We had a chance to turn our lives around and remain together. I felt so much hope. I didn’t understand my mom was damaged. I thought she was just sad and poor. Once we got help, she could be happy and make good choices. Except life isn’t that easy .

“You’re still Bubby to me,” I mumble. “I just see my little brother.”

When his face pinches, I don’t feel like I’m looking at a stranger. He’s suddenly the kid who trusted me when I promised I could protect him.

“Cathy and I decided to elope and have our honeymoon here,” Bubby explains. “I wanted to reach out after what happened with Hunter Knutsen. I saw you in those videos. You look so much like I remembered. You were real, and I wanted to know you. But I was afraid to reach out after I ignored your message. Plus, the media was bothering you, and I didn’t want to seem like a parasite.”

Bubby tugs his hands out of his pockets and shrugs. “Then, I saw what those cops did to you. I heard you had a baby on the way. I just couldn’t stop thinking about how I’d missed so much.”

“You’re a lawyer,” I mumble, worried trusting Bubby could put the club in danger.

“Criminal defense. I’m not a narc.”

I smirk at his comment, making him chuckle. His nose scrunches up just like Lorrie’s used to when she would laugh. My heart hurts at how I’ll never feel my mom’s arms around me again. Even after two decades, I long for what only she could give me.

“You have a son,” Bubby says.

“I have two sons. I’ve taken in a boy named Glen and his sister, Nora.”

“Like you were taken in by Caveman and his sister, Dot.”

Nodding, I feel self-conscious with the focus on me. “The people who took me in,” I say, wondering how much Bubby knows about my life. “A lot of them have unhappy childhoods. They think they can hide from their pasts. But I never wanted to. I can’t let Lorrie be forgotten.”

Bubby’s expression hides nothing. Lorrie still owns a part of his heart, too. His new parents tried to steal our mom from him, but he couldn’t truly forget.

“She called us hungry hippos when we ate,” Bubby says, sounding almost like he’s asking a question.

Nodding, I reply, “She was so excited when she found the ‘Hungry Hungry Hippo’ game at Caveman’s house.”

My brother laughs in a startled way as if he wasn’t sure his memories were real.

“How long will you be in Banta City? ”

“For a week. We got in this afternoon.”

Nodding, I nearly invite him to the house to meet Siobhan and the kids. Bubby is my brother, and I dream of us becoming friends. However, I stop myself from diving headfirst into this situation.

Bubby mentions he’s at the same hotel where I had my honeymoon. I suggest we meet for lunch tomorrow and bring our wives along. I feel like I need a buffer to protect me from going all-in with my brother. If Bubby is here for a nefarious reason, I’ll be completely blind to it.

“Let’s exchange numbers,” I say when I linger at the door and he seems reluctant to leave.

“I feel like you’re about to ghost me like I did you.”

“You didn’t ghost me. You were a little boy when they took you away. By the time I contacted you, you weren’t sure which way was up. I get that. But my friends are outside, wondering what the fuck I’m doing in here. Also, your woman is out there alone in a rowdy bar. It’d be best for us to get out there.”

Bubby nods yet seems reluctant to go. “I don’t normally feel this way. With most people, I’m a different guy. With you, I’m that scared kid again.”

I think back to how I taught him to ride his bike. Bubby took to it easily, but he kept asking me if he was doing it right. He was an insecure kid. I was the same way except when it came to Bubby. With him, I always felt like I knew the answers. Even tonight, I’m hit with a clarity I’ve only felt with a few people.

Resting my hand on his shoulder, I smile at how we’re the same size. “What you’re feeling is being around your big brother again.”

Bubby smiles instantly, craving that old connection. I don’t know this adult version of my brother, but I am well aware of how Aunt Fred would react to someone feeling like he does. That’s why I offer him a hug.

My brother hugs me back. Though my past comes crashing down on me, I don’t crumble under the weight. I’m a different man than I was just a year ago. Siobhan’s love changed everything. All the good in me got better. All my worst habits quieted.

Bubby and I head out to the bar where I meet his new wife. She acts starstruck. I don’t know if she’s just heard stories about me from Bubby or she’s watched too many news stories. Either way, I feel a little awkward .

Soon, Bear, Tack, Sync, and Pork Chop join us. We share a drink. My already buzzed club brothers tease Bubby over looking like a “strait-laced” version of me. He smiles at their ribbing, seeming calmer since our hug.

As much as I enjoy hanging out with Bubby and my club brothers, I’m dying to talk to Siobhan.

She isn’t awake when I return home. I remove my shoes at the front door and slip soundlessly through the house. After checking on the two rooms filled with sleeping kids, I peek in on Lorcan in his crib in the primary bedroom. I admire him before taking a quick shower.

Siobhan stirs when I climb in next to her. She asks if I’m okay. I ought to mumble yes, but I can’t lie to her. When she hears my tone, Siobhan climbs out of bed. We move to the living room where I explain what happened and deal with the feelings that seemed so under control back at the bar.

Listening to me, Siobhan never interrupts, knowing I need to get everything out in the open. Bubby’s presence is invigorating. I feel like I’ve gotten back what was stolen from me. But losing Lorrie stings more tonight.

“Don’t hide from your feelings,” Siobhan finally says when I worry out loud about Bubby meeting the kids. “You don’t have to choose between him and our family or the club. You are Indigo O’Malley. Your past belongs to you. That includes everything with Bubby but also the life you lived in the hills and at the farm. You’re still my love. Nothing is changing except you get to have more.”

With Siobhan at my side, I meet Bubby and Cathy for lunch. When that goes well, we invite them over for dinner. Bubby gets choked up at the sight of Lorcan. My son does look a lot like us as boys.

Bubby and I see each other every day he’s in Banta City. I learn to call him Bobby. He learns to refer to me as Indigo.

Siobhan entertains Cathy, so Bobby and I can be together.

“Isn’t she upset over her honeymoon turning into a family reunion?” I ask him one night while we grill in my backyard.

“Naw, Cathy is all about feelings. If it weren’t for her, I’d work all the time and still deal with my parents,” Bobby says and then adds, “She’s suggested we move to Banta City soon. Virginia doesn’t hold any emotional attachment for us, and we’re both in the stage of our careers where moving is easier. ”

His words hit me hard, but I try not to get my hopes up. “Don’t your parents still live in Banta City?”

“Cathy is my family. Siobhan, the kids, and you are my family. It’s a big city. I can avoid those other people.”

“Well, it’s a great city. The rest of the country thinks we're a wild gambling town, but there are good schools and quality activities.”

Bobby looks so relieved by my words. We both think the other one will be the first to back off and end this relationship.

The day before Bobby leaves town, we head up to the hills to see the spot where Lorrie ended her life. His pain is raw like an unhealed wound. All these years, he never came to terms with the damaged woman who gave us life. I sit with him on the same curb where I rested my ass after fucking up with Siobhan.

Bobby asks me questions with answers unknown to me. Lorrie was a mystery in many ways. I tell him things I remember, but most of my memories are marred by my young age.

“Lorrie was born to people who didn’t care,” I explain as I console my brother. “She spent her entire life looking for someone to love her. I think that’s why she left us. Lorrie knew we loved her like she deserved, but she was a threat to us. When she fell into dark moods, she believed the only solution was to die and take us with her. After we got help from Caveman, she probably figured it was safer for her to leave us with him. But she would miss us and come back. Eventually, I believe she took her life to save ours.”

Bobby finds comfort in my words. I suspect he thinks confronting his past will fix his pain. Maybe it’ll work for him. I prefer to let the pain linger. It’s the only way I know how to keep Lorrie alive.

After we finish up in the hills, we drive down to the farm where Cathy is spending time with Siobhan. My club family comes together for a casual party. I stand between my blood brother and the men who’ve had my back since we were boys. My kids dance with Elvis. Aunt Fred stops by to offer me a hug.

Siobhan joins our group, holding Lorcan in her arms. She looks at me and smiles softly. For a long time, she was blind to my feelings. Now she understands me to my core.

Right now, she sees how I’m at peace as my past and present come together.