SIOBHAN

Late autumn arrives in Banta City, bringing chillier weather and holidays. Indigo and I find a routine. We keep busy with my girls and his boys. Occasionally, we get the house to ourselves and I walk around naked like a wild woman.

As November arrives, Natasha is a month from her due date. The Kovak Syndicate’s security insists she throws her baby shower at the Thibeaux Mansion, where her parents live. Much like her wedding, this party will be less about her feelings and more about making a good impression on Banta City’s heavyweights.

Even though I’m from a powerful family, I’ve gotten to live my life however I’ve wanted. When I throw a baby shower, it’ll be my friends at the farm for barbecue and goofy games. Natasha doesn’t have that option.

Her party is a three-pronged event. First is her catered luncheon with her close friends, family, and staff like the nannies. Second is a kids’ bash taking place during the luncheon. A support staff will watch the kids playing in the kiddie wonderland set up outside. The third part is a fancy black-tie dinner with Banta City’s wealthy and the Syndicate’s allies.

That last one sounds like a slog to get through. Mom, Dad, Carys, Pork Chop, and Noble are attending. Zoot claims he might show up, though he recently began faking migraines to escape fancy events.

We invite Vanilla and Chef to the afternoon party. After they did well at Hudson’s birthday party at the farm, Indigo and I started bringing the siblings along for fun events.

Indigo is obviously attached to them, and they think he’s cool. I wasn’t sure how they felt about me for a while. Chef would stare at me a lot while Vanilla wouldn’t look at me at all. They finally settled down when I played in the sand with them at the park.

Vanilla and Chef look younger than ten and nine. They’re small, skinny kids with often serious faces. At first, the twins seemed intimidated by them. Once Vanilla and Chef began joining us for an outing each weekend, Kiera and Deirdre showed more interest. Now they’re accustomed to driving to the hills to pick up their new friends.

Last weekend, we had dinner with the kids at Caveman’s house .

“Their parents won’t be taking them back,” my uncle told me while Indigo ran around with the kids and Tangina in the yard. “Their dad keeps getting into fights in county jail. He’s looking at prison now.”

“And their mom?”

Caveman stood on his porch and eyeballed the kids. “The woman reminds me of Indigo’s mom. Neither one could silence the noise in her head.”

“What’ll happen to the kids?”

“They’ll stay here. Maybe a family in the hills will take them in. Hard to know.”

“Wait, are you trying to convince me to take them in?”

“Of course, lass,” Caveman said and flashed a cunning smile. “You’ve got a big house.”

“Not that big and I have three kids,” I say, rubbing my itty-bitty bump. “And two dogs and a cat still pissed about those two dogs.”

“Maybe you can let them stay over on the weekends. Give them a break from my place.”

“Are they cramping your love life?”

“No, I get plenty of pussy, but I appreciate your concern, Siobhan.” Caveman paused to applaud my exaggerated eye roll before he returned to his point. “They’re at a special age. If things go well, they can turn out okay. If they don’t get what they need in the next few years, their damage will be like internal tattoos. Nothing will wash it away.”

I glanced at the kids who were wiping down a pampered Tangina.

“That’s what happened to your man,” Caveman said in a quieter voice. “If his mama died when he was younger or I’d sent him to the farm earlier, I think he’d be a whole helluva lot healthier. That’s why his brother became a big shit lawyer while Indigo spent years nursing feelings for a woman who was within reach.”

I frowned at my uncle. “Don’t guilt trip me.”

“Too late. I’ve already sunk my claws into that big heart of yours,” Caveman mocked while circling me. “What can you do now? I’ve planted the seed. You’re going to be thinking about those sad kids and your broken lover. Won’t be long before you turn one of your spare rooms into a space for Vanilla and Chef. ”

His words held some truth, but I refused to give in just yet. “I don’t want to call them those goofy names you gave them.”

“Indigo is the name you yell out in bed, lass. Don’t know why you’re getting uppity now.

“His name is beautiful. I feel like you half-assed theirs.”

“No. I put great thought into those names, but you’re free to call them Glenjamin and Norleen.”

“Why?” I whined. “What is it about living in the hills that inspires you people to name your kids stupid shit?”

“Winifred is a fine name.”

I rolled my eyes again at his attempt to guilt me. “I’ll think about it. But they need better names.”

“They like the ones I gave them.”

“I’ll call him Star Child and her Glad Tidings.”

Caveman scowled hard at me. “If you’re making fun of my naming choices, so be it. But I gave them names they could spell.”

“Do the teachers call them those names?”

“Yep.”

“Good Lord.”

“Yep,” he said, likely chuckling at how I’d talked myself into considering adding two children to my family.

“What if their parents want them back?”

“We’ll tell them the same thing I’d tell them if they wanted to take the kids from me. Basically, they can visit Vanilla and Chef on weekends, but the kids will remain where they’re safe.”

“What if their parents go the legal route?”

Caveman smirked. “Well, then, Vanilla and Chef will become orphans and you can adopt them.”

“I don’t want you killing their parents.”

“Don’t boss me around, niece,” Caveman sneered before instantly bossing me around. “And name this one,” he said and pointed at my stomach, “Lorcan. It’s a good Irish name, and it’ll remind Indigo of his mom.”

“Quit poking at me, bitch,” I snarled, but he only smiled at my rage.

“Gotta do better than that if you want me to shake in my sizable boots. I had Dot screaming at me yesterday.”

“Whatever. Just let me figure out my shit, okay? ”

“Sure, but I’m not sending those kids back to their shitty parents. Vanilla and Chef have potential. I’ll kill whoever gets in the way of me giving them a second shot.”

Though my uncle’s view of the world tended to cut down on bullshit, I refused to agree to take the siblings full time yet.

I’m still uncertain where I stand on the issue when we arrive at Thibeaux Mansion. Vanilla wears a blue sweater and black jeans. He looks spiffy next to Indigo wearing all black as we walk toward the backyard.

Chef is wearing a sweatsuit with a matching top and pants. I picked a green one for her since it’s her favorite color. Deirdre wears a red version while Kiera is in pink. I figured they’d be easier to pick out of the crowd if they matched.

“You’ll be out here,” I tell the four of them. “I will be inside with the grownups.”

“I want to go with you,” Deirdre says immediately.

“You’re not shy, baby. Look at the fun stuff to do.”

Gripping her sister’s hand, Deirdre insists, “I’m scared.”

“I’ll make sure no one bothers you,” Vanilla says.

Deirdre looks at Kiera who shrugs. Drama over, the four of them walk together toward the play area with their assigned babysitters.

“I can stay out here and watch them,” Indigo suggests.

“No, you should go inside and entertain Bear. He’s likely surrounded by Kovak men and strangers.”

Indigo and I nod at my words, yet we don’t go inside. I finally walk over to one of the babysitters to request she send me updates every twenty minutes. Even after she agrees, I don’t want to leave.

“Don’t be clingy,” Carys says after arriving and sending her boys Hicks and Hudson with their assigned babysitter. “Let’s go inside and pamper Natasha.”

“Are you leaving Ripley with a sitter?” I ask.

“Fuck that shit,” my sister mutters, hugging her daughter against her body and marching toward the mansion’s back stone patio.

Pork Chop lingers, wanting to hang close to Indigo. “These fancy parties give me gas,” he mutters to his buddy.

Jacinda and Hector exit the mansion with their cousins and several babysitters. The two little goofballs see me and jump up and down. I wave and point at where the twins get their faces painted. Even from a distance, I can tell Natasha’s excited kiddos are talking over each other.

I feel better knowing Hector and Jacinda are out here. Staff will be on extra alert with Viktor Kovak’s grandchildren in the mix.

Inside the grand mansion, we’re greeted by more staff. Pork Chop and Indigo are directed toward the “gentlemen’s lounge” while Carys and I are brought to a large greeting room where Natasha sits at the center.

“How fancy,” I say when she sees me.

“I feel like a turkey on display before I get stuck in the oven.”

“How come, baby?” I murmur and cup her cheeks. “You look gorgeous. Your kids are outside playing. This little one,” I add and rub her belly, “is weeks from joining the party. What’s there to complain about?”

Natasha loses her awkward vibe, and her expression lights up. “My mom and I shopped for this dress,” she says as her gaze searches for Katja who stands nearby with my mom and Suzanne Knutsen. “Petra came with us, and she rarely leaves the house.”

I look around for Natasha’s older sister. They both nearly died when their SUV was thrown into the Jefferson River. Natasha has bounced back faster emotionally, likely thanks to Bear and the kids. Petra, though, nearly had a panic attack when she visited the farm to see Carys’s new baby months ago.

Right now, Petra cradles Ripley near the windows while Carys tells a story involving a lot of hand gestures.

“Are you feeling okay?” I ask Natasha who rubs her swollen belly.

“The baby is too big,” she says after the staff brings a chair for me. “And she won’t turn around.”

“Well, your baby is half bear. She’s bound to be stubborn.”

Natasha gives me a sly grin. “When do you find out what you’re having?”

“Won’t be until next year. The doctor couldn’t tell when she checked at her office. After the new year, she’s sending me for a more extensive ultrasound.”

“I hope it’s a girl,” Natasha says and rubs her stomach again. “Your daughter could be best friends with Olívie and Lotus.”

“Maybe I’ll have a son like Hector,” I suggest so Natasha won’t be bummed if the ultrasound shows my kid is packing heat. “A sweet, imaginative goofball who likes to chill with the ladies. ”

Natasha offers me a sweet smile, but she looks tired and overwhelmed. Glancing around, I don’t recognize half the people here. I realize a good chunk of them are staff. I see Jacinda and Hector’s nanny standing in the corner with other young women. I hear enough of their conversation to understand their speaking in their native tongue.

“Where’s Hunter?” I ask Natasha after standing behind her chair and caressing her forehead as she closes her eyes.

“Peeing. Hunter’s been in the bathroom three times so far.”

“Drink more water,” I tell the redhead when she finally joins us and takes my open seat.

“I already drink 96 ounces a day.”

“I’m not good at measurements, but that sounds like too much. So, scratch my earlier advice and drink less water.”

Hunter smiles at my bullshit. “Your bump came in.”

“Not enough for me to look obviously pregnant,” I say, fondling my belly. “I just look bloated.”

“You’ll feel the baby soon,” Hunter says.

I immediately get teary-eyed at the thought. “I can’t wait for Indigo to feel his baby.”

“Have you thought about names?”

“No, not really,” I lie, recalling Caveman’s suggestion. “The girls are helping Indigo and me pick a name.”

“How are the twins doing at school?” Natasha asks. “Are you still planning to have them moved after the holidays?”

“No, as I expected, they got the hang of spending their school days apart. Now they both like their teachers and classes. They’d still rather play together, so they’re allowed to huddle up at recess. Now, my babies love school.”

“I sense you’re bothered by something,” Hunter says. “You’re not good at hiding your pain or confusion or worries or anger.”

“Well,” I whine dramatically, “I do have stuff I’m working through, but now isn’t the time to focus on it.”

My friends watch me with unflinching gazes. I glance around and realize everyone’s in their separate groups, chatting leisurely, completely uninterested in my drama.

“It’s just something Caveman said about those kids. It can wait.”

“Does he want you to take them in?” Natasha asks.

“Of course. ”

“Why you?” Hunter asks, gesturing for someone to bring a chair so I can sit with them instead of lingering behind Natasha.

I settle down next to my friends and feel guilty. “This isn’t a good topic for your party.”

“What else would we be talking about?”

“Shouldn’t there be games?”

Natasha brushes her knuckles across my cheek. “Siobhan, this isn’t that kind of baby shower. There’ll be no guessing my weight or other games. We’ll simply eat expensive food and share each other’s company. All the fun stuff is happening outside.”

I hear the sadness in Natasha’s voice. She wants to be outside with Jacinda and Hector. I’m sure she has people recording their fun, but it’s not the same.

“Tell us what you’re thinking about these kids,” Hunter insists. “Entertain us with your problems.”

After a moment, I admit, “I feel like a monster for not immediately taking them in.”

Hunter quickly hits me with logic. “You have a right to choose your family size.”

“It’s not that I don’t like them. But I’m used to putting the twins before everything else. I’m already nervous about juggling a baby and my girls.”

“Why is this even a consideration?” Hunter asks. “Why is Caveman pushing you to take on this responsibility?”

“Indigo grew attached to them when he stayed at Caveman’s place. The kids like him, too.”

“Has Indigo indicated he wants them to move to your home?”

“I’m confused,” Natasha says and smiles at arriving guests before lowering her voice and asking, “Do they have living parents?”

“Yes, but their parents aren’t capable of taking care of them.”

“What does your heart say?”

Shrugging, I can’t admit what I’m thinking. My friends refuse to look away. Their gazes act as truth serum.

“You know my mom and dad are awesome. They never seemed frazzled from having foster boys arriving all the time. That’s what seems normal to me. But I get frazzled by change. Indigo doesn’t mind me acting weird because he’s so happy to finally get what he wants. And this baby won’t notice I’m frazzled. But these kids are old enough to understand when I’m fucking up. And I don’t know if I’m a good enough mom to handle five kids. ”

“Is that the real reason or do you not want to be a mom of five kids?” Hunter asks. “Your parents wanted to take in foster kids. They didn’t feel pressured to do so.”

“That’s all true. I guess I fear I’ll take the kids into my home, and they’ll get attached to Indigo, the twins, and me. I can get them in school and we can find a routine. But what if it’s too much for me? What if the house feels too crowded and I flip out?”

Natasha takes my hand. “What if you only keep them part-time for a while? Do you have to make this life-changing decision when you’re still getting to know them?”

“I don’t want to fail.”

“Everyone fails,” Hunter says, refusing to kiss my ass. “These kids have parents who are failing. You’re offering them a safe place. Maybe you don’t need to do that full-time. Take them for holidays, school breaks, and weekends. If you can’t be their second mom, be their fun aunt.”

Natasha nods. “And after the baby is born and you have a good routine, you might decide you can keep the kids full time. But even if you can’t, those kids will be lucky to spend time with you.”

“I hadn’t considered keeping them part-time beyond the weekend outings,” I mumble as I warm up to the idea. “I felt pressure to go all in.”

“From Caveman?”

“No, it’s Indigo,” I admit as my heart hurts. “He was rejected by the family who adopted his brother. I didn’t want my hesitancy about Vanilla and Chef to trigger bad memories.”

“Indigo doesn’t need you to baby him,” Hunter insists. “He needs you to be honest. I don’t think he understands how things work in a normal family. He also assumes a lot about people. You need to spell things out so he feels in control of this situation.”

“I don’t know if that’s enough.”

“Indigo grew up in chaos. Now, the best thing you can do for him is to explain exactly what you want.”

Sighing, I glance at my mom laughing at something Suzanne says nearby. “My parents are good at making the world seem simple while I tend to amp things up with my drama. I don’t know if I have the right personality to handle loving so many people.”

“No, don’t do that,” Natasha says.

Hunter nods. “You’re feeling insecure. The answer isn’t to drag yourself over flaws you don’t even possess. You're very calm and loving. You talk to the twins about their problems. You’re very organized. Right now, you may feel overwhelmed. It’s normal to be scared of taking on more responsibility.”

I take a deep breath and smile at my friends. “I’m glad life is settling down. I know that sounds weird since we’re creating babies and increasing the noise level in Banta City. But it’s good to have us all together again.”

Natasha tears up as the weight of the last few years hits her. She cradles her belly, seeming fragile yet joyful. Her expression brightens when we receive our updates from the babysitters outside. I smile at the sight of the twins standing with Vanilla and Chef. All four have their faces painted like animals.

A few minutes later, I receive a video. Vanilla stands protectively next to the three girls as they consider entering a bounce house. Kiera is the first one to decide to give it a try. She calls for Deirdre to join her. Soon, they’re calling for Vanilla and Chef. My heart hurts at the sight of them holding hands and bouncing.

I’m afraid to let down those four children or the baby growing inside me. Somewhere in this house is the man I love. Our relationship is still so new. I occasionally get startled in the morning when I find him next to me.

My life has changed a lot in a short time. However, as I watch the four kids stick together, I choose to be the best version of myself and make room in my heart to love Vanilla and Chef.