Chapter 18

Eighteen

The drive back is silent. No one looks at me, and I shrink into my seat. My heart pulls me one way, my soul another. I'm trapped, struggling under the mask the whole way back until we pull up before the cirque. The engine turns off, and we're plunged into silence.

Despite the car being parked, none of them get out until Diamond looks at me in the rearview mirror. "I'm giving you one last chance, Ember. One last out despite the fact that you swore an oath. If you leave now, we won't chase you. We will let you go. It's your choice to make, but if you step back into cirque, you've chosen it and us. You've been shown this life knowing what it entails." With those words hanging in the air between us, he gets out of the car, and the others follow, heading into cirque like four phantoms. They leave me in the car, my heart racing as I climb out and hesitate.

They are giving me another chance, another out, but why?

I glance up at cirque and see them waiting at its perimeter, hidden between the tents, watching. What will happen if I leave? I swore an oath. As I turn to glance down the road that will take me away from here, I can't force myself to move.

There could be another life out there for me. I could be happy again. Maybe remarry and get a job. I could be normal, but deep down, I know I would never settle. I'd never fully trust it.

How could I go back to a world without the magic of Cirque Obscurum?

I glance back at the tent and the four men waiting there, curious as to what I will do.

As I look between my two choices, my thoughts circle back to the lady from earlier. She thanked us. We killed. We're murderers, yet she thanked us. When they came for me, I was so relieved I would have given my soul for the safety and redemption I found in their company. I can't go back on that now just because I'm having second thoughts, my morality in question. I've seen the worst this world has to offer. Do I truly wish to go back and pretend I haven't. Can I?

Or do I become a monster, a nightmare like them?

Do I take back my power that was stolen, or do I fade into this world?

No.

I don't want to be a victim anymore. I lived my entire life for the whims and wants of others. I want to live for me now, even if that darkness scares me and makes me feel like a bad person. I turn back to cirque, my decision made.

I want to be the queen I was named after.

I want to save those who need us like they saved me.

I want to make them all pay for hurting weaker people.

I know this time, my choice is final. I'll hand my soul over and become what the cirque wants. As I take a stumbling step toward the bright lights, those four masks morph into welcoming smiles, all of their hands rising to welcome me home.

They wait as I head their way, and once I'm back inside the circus, I take Diamond's outstretched hand. He twines his fingers with mine and leads me through the tents, the others falling into step behind us. Looking up at him, I can't help but smile, and as his masked face turns and looks down at me, I know he's smiling too.

He's proud of me, which shouldn't warm me but it does.

I didn't even notice the cut on Diamond's arm until the light filters across the wound. My eyes widen, and I push up my mask. "You're hurt."

He glances down as we stop before my tent. "He attacked when we entered. It'll just need to be cleaned and stitched." Keeping his hand in mine, I tug him inside after me, and he grunts but relents. I push him down to sit on my bed.

"I'm good at stitching wounds. Doctor's wife, remember? Let me help." I hurry around the tent until I find the kit Dr. Louie left the other day, stating that I might need it. I understand why now.

Sitting on the bed next to him, I open the kit and look up. "Shirt off." He hesitates, and I can't help but smile. "I've seen a naked chest before, Diamond. You won't scandalize me," I say with a grin.

He chuckles and removes his mask before pushing his hair back with a sigh. He untucks his shirt as he stands and unbuttons it, laying it on my bed before sitting down. He holds his wounded arm close to me. My eyes drop to his chest unbidden, tracing the lines of muscles. Something close to desire starts within me, which isn't right.

"I thought I wouldn't scandalize you, Ember," he taunts, and I feel my cheeks heat as I look away, focusing on the kit until I have myself under control. Ignoring his smile, I clean the wound and prod the edges.

"It needs stitches," I murmur. Without meeting his eyes, I thread the needle and make quick work of closing the wound. It's not too deep, but it's long. After I'm satisfied, I add a bandage and sit back, fiddling with the kit.

His hand lashes out, his finger tipping my chin up, forcing me to meet his gaze. His head is bent toward me, so close our breaths mingle. "Do you always shy away from what you truly want, Ember? I'm curious."

"I wasn't allowed to want anything," I reply automatically, cajoled by his voice and the dark look in his eyes.

"You are now. So what do you want, Ember? In this moment?" he asks, forcing me to look inside myself.

"I want to know if your lips are as soft as they look," I blurt before my eyes widen at my confession. I have never been so brazen or foolhardy before. I try to pull away, but he captures my chin, the slight pinch forcing me to freeze.

"Then take what you want," he orders.

Barely breathing, I meet his dark eyes and see hunger there as he watches me, daring me to act on my wants and not run away like I always have.

Before, I would have made an excuse and turned away, but tonight I made a choice. There is a slight tilt to his lips, as if he's betting himself that I won't do it—that I'm still weak like he called me earlier.

Between one breath and the next, I move. My hands land on his chest as I press my lips to his. His lips part in shock as I kiss him hard. He groans, and his hands grip my hair, holding me in place as he takes over and kisses me. His tongue slips into my mouth and tangles with mine, urging me to take whatever I want.

Even him.