Chapter 27

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

Orla walked back into her flat the next morning. Theo had very kindly brought her home as Shay still didn’t have a car. She’d said goodbye to Shay at his house, partly so Theo wouldn’t have to take Shay back home again and partly because she knew Shay would want to come inside and she wanted that space to think. Theo hadn’t said a lot to her – he probably didn’t understand why she was going home the day before Christmas rather than spending it with the man she loved –and now she was here alone, she was beginning to question that herself.

She loved Shay, she knew that, she’d always loved him. That love had grown so much over the years that he was part of every breath, every thought. Her love for him was now almost part of her identity as much as her red hair and green eyes, her love of vintage jewellery or her favourite truffle pizza and her love of black and white films. It was something she always carried with her. Impossibly, her love for him had deepened over the last few days. Why did she think not telling him how she felt would protect her if it came to an end. It would hurt either way. The only thing not telling him had achieved was hurting Shay, making him believe she didn’t feel the same. All because she was so scared of it coming to an end.

Why was she so fearful about that, why couldn’t she just enjoy what she had? She didn’t walk down the street fearful of getting hit by a bus, she didn’t get on a plane and panic that it would suddenly fall out of the sky. By rights, she should be scared about getting back in a car again after the accident, which had been very traumatic, but she hadn’t given that another thought.

She knew that some of her anxiety was attributed to the injuries sustained in the accident. She’d even looked it up after speaking to Fern the night before and feeling sad or tearful or worried was very common after concussion. But those fears were there already, she knew that. The accident had just made them seem so much worse.

She sat down on the sofa and glanced across at the photo of her parents together on a family holiday to Greece when she was nine or ten. They looked so happy. She didn’t know why she kept that photo – they had hated each other for probably eighteen years or more. They didn’t even speak to each other anymore. But it reminded her of happier times. Her parents had looked so in love in this picture, as if nothing could ever break them. She’d seen how blissfully in love they were, always touching each other, holding hands, kissing, laughing together.

They were the three musketeers, they went everywhere, did everything together and she loved those times.

Until her dad had cheated on her mum.

And in a moment of clarity, she suddenly knew that was where her fear came from. She’d been there when her mum had found out, she’d seen the moment her mum’s heart had broken forever, she’d seen the agony and the complete and utter devastation.

Except it hadn’t just been her mum that had been hurt by her dad’s betrayal. Overnight, she’d lost the secure happy little family unit she’d grown up with. There had been no more family days out or holidays, no more camping and cuddling with each other under the stars, there had been no more family movie nights where they’d cuddle up on the sofa under the blankets, even the meal times where they’d sit around the table and talk about their day had gone. For several years she’d been alone while her parents fought like cat and dog. Even moving to Apple Hill Bay hadn’t changed their attitude towards each other. It was weird to feel so utterly alone when she was living in the house with two other people, but she had. That was until she’d met Shay. He’d been her harbour in the storm.

She’d told Shay that what happened with her parents hadn’t put her off marriage and that was true, she wanted to get married one day but she never wanted to go through the kind of pain of realising the person you love with everything you had, didn’t love you back.

Except she already had when Shay had told her he didn’t love her. And it didn’t happen because Shay had been unfaithful. Every fibre of her being knew that Shay would never be unfaithful to her. She was sure thousands of men and women had said the same thing and had then been proved wrong, but she knew with every part of her heart and soul that he wouldn’t do that to her. It had happened because he didn’t think he was good enough for her, because he thought being with him would ruin her life. And as upsetting, frustrating and misguided those thoughts were, she did love him a little for it. He’d been trying to protect her after all, just like he’d always done.

In fact, everything he’d done had been because he loved and cared for her. Coming down to the beach with her almost every night because he didn’t want her to be alone, standing up to her parents when she’d got hurt in one of their many fights, telling her he’d take her home from that party rather than spend the night with his girlfriend, being so fiercely protective of her when he found her with Kirk, that first weekend they spent together because he’d wanted her first time to be with someone who cared and respected her, telling her he didn’t love her because he didn’t think he was good enough, getting counselling because he wanted to be a better man for her. She even wondered if he’d bought Starlight Cottage for her because she’d always said she wanted to live it in one day. Everything had been for her.

Tears filled her eyes. He loved her so much and always had. It didn’t make sense for her to worry about it ending when he’d given her no reason to think it ever would or any reason to doubt him at all. She had to let go of the hurt he’d caused her when he said he didn’t love her, because his pain at the time had been worse and she understood why he’d done it.

She had been worried about losing him as a friend if it came to an end, but knowing how painful it had been to lose him the first time would ensure that wouldn’t happen again, but now she realised she had been holding back, not just because of what happened when she told him she loved him but because of what happened with her parents. That had scarred her in ways she hadn’t realised. Relief flooded through her and it was like a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Her mum’s story was not her own. And Shay was nothing like her dad. Realising where her pain had come from, she suddenly felt like she could move on from it once and for all.

She loved Shay and she wanted a future with him more than anything. If he was planning on proposing to her, it was a demonstration of his commitment to their future and she wanted to show him the same, that she was all in with him. She wanted to show him, not just tell him, he was loved and that he was hers forever.

She stood up and looked around. She had a plan.

Shay watched impatiently as the taxi pulled up outside Orla’s flat. Coming here after he’d said he respected her need for space was either going to be a massive mistake or the most important thing he’d ever done.

The taxi stopped and Shay quickly paid and got out. Orla’s flat was on the ground floor of a small block of six flats and he strode along the short walkway and knocked on the door. She opened it a few seconds later and her whole face lit up at seeing him. She threw her arms round his neck and hugged him tight. He wrapped his arms around her but when she showed no signs of letting go, he shuffled her back inside and closed the door behind him. She still didn’t let go of him and he knew he’d made the right decision in coming here. He held her tighter, stroking her hair.

‘What are you doing here?’ she said, eventually. She pulled back slightly to look at him and he could see she was crying although she had the biggest smile on her face.

He stroked the tears away. ‘I didn’t want you to be alone. If you’re feeling sad or anxious, then you need to be with someone and that doesn’t necessarily need to be me – I know it’s Christmas Eve, but Fern, Roo or Ettie would gladly have you round and keep you company. Even Carrie would welcome you with open arms if you needed a space, but you shouldn’t be alone.’

Her smile grew and she hugged him again. ‘I don’t know how I got so lucky to find you, but you’re the most wonderful man I’ve ever met.’

He held her tight. ‘I will always be here for you.’

‘I know.’

He pulled back. ‘And if you have concerns about our relationship then we need to talk about them together. The only way this will work is if we’re honest with each other.’

‘I know, I didn’t want to hurt you, and I thought I needed some time alone to think, but I should have told you what I was feeling. However, half an hour alone this morning and everything became so clear. And I have lots that I want to say to you. In fact, I had a big speech planned, although now you’re here I’m going to have to rework it. Come on, we should go.’

She pulled away and grabbed her bag and coat and ushered him outside, but before she closed the door behind her, he noticed how empty her place was. The furniture was still there but all the pictures and knickknacks that made the place hers were gone. He frowned in confusion and then quickly followed her out to her car.

He gestured back to her flat, as he was about to ask her about her things, but she was already getting in the car as if she had somewhere she was desperate to be.

‘Come on, I’ll give you a lift, it’s on the way,’ she laughed, but he had no idea what she was laughing at.

He got in her car, and she started driving the short distance to his house. He had no idea what was going on here. He glanced into the back seat and the bottom dropped out of his world. Every inch of it was filled with all her stuff, suitcases crammed with her clothes, boxes with all her photos and bits.

‘You’re leaving.’

‘I’m going home,’ she said, with the biggest grin on her face.

‘Apple Hill Bay is your home.’

She pulled a face. ‘Not really. I love it here, but it’s not home.’

Panic filled him, did she mean she was going back to Ireland? That hadn’t been home for her since she was a child. Was she going to London? After everything she’d said at the start of their relationship where she said that no matter what she didn’t want to lose him as a friend, her running away now didn’t make any sense.

She drew to a stop outside his house, and he took her hand. ‘Look, I’m not belittling what you’re going through, I totally get you’re feeling emotional and maybe confused after the accident, but do you think you’re in the right frame of mind to make big life changing decisions?’

‘You’re right, my emotions are all over the place and I have these periods, especially when I’m worried or excited that I can’t seem to get my thoughts in the right order. But this, I have never been so certain of anything in my life. Come on, we should talk.’

She got out of the car and walked towards his house. He quickly followed and let her in. Ivy greeted him as if he’d been gone days not just fifteen minutes, then charged off upstairs, no doubt to cause more puppy mayhem.

He threw a few logs in the fire and added some kindling while he played for time. He had no idea what was going on and what he could say but he felt like he was on the verge of losing everything. He lit the fire and stared at the flames for a few moments.

He turned back to face her and she was beaming ear to ear. She frowned when she saw his expression. ‘I thought you’d be happy.’

‘Happy?’

‘Oh my god,’ she put her hands to her face. ‘I forgot the most important part. I had this big speech planned, I’ve been rehearsing it for the last few hours as I packed. Then you threw me off by arriving at my house when I wasn’t expecting you and then you made me cry by hugging me and being there for me as you always are and everything I wanted to say went out the window.’ She reached up and stroked his face. ‘I love you, I’ve always loved you, I love you so much it fills my heart to the top.’

‘Then why are you leaving?’

She frowned in confusion. ‘I’m not leaving.’

‘You said you were going home.’

‘I am home.’

Cautious hope filled his heart. ‘You mean Starlight Cottage.’

‘No, I mean with you. You are my home, Shay Lucas. It’s always been you.’

Tears filled his own eyes. ‘Oh god, Orla I thought you were running away again.’

‘Oh Shay, no, I love you. Christ, the most important moment of my life and I screwed it up, rambling like a fool. I promise it’s the concussion, it will pass.’

He wrapped his arms around her. ‘And I’ll be here to hold you until it does. I love you too. You are my entire world.’

He kissed her and felt the relief rush through him. She was home. He lifted her off her feet and lay her down in front of the fire. Pulling off her top, he kissed her neck.

‘Wait, I have more things I wanted to say,’ Orla said, pulling his jumper over his head, sliding her fingers up his bare back under his t-shirt.

‘Later,’ he said and kissed her again and this time she didn’t protest.

The fire was crackling happily next to them, the lights were twinkling on the Christmas tree and Orla couldn’t have felt more happy wrapped in Shay’s arms as they lay on the rug where he’d made love to her. Twice.

‘Do you want to talk to me about what you were worried about?’ Shay said, stroking his fingers up and down her spine.

‘Yes, but please bear in mind that every worry has been heightened by the concussion.’

‘I know, I imagine it’s been a stressful few days.’

‘It has,’ she laughed. ‘I felt myself panicking the other day when we were making the cookies with Ocean whether I’d got the ingredients right and I’ve been making cookies like that all my life, so everything has felt ten times worse. But from the very beginning of our relationship, I was scared it would come to an end. I felt like if I held back from telling you I loved you I couldn’t get hurt, which was ridiculous because being with you brings me so much joy, it was going to hurt if it ended whether I’d told you or not. Yesterday at the market, when you went off to get your gloves, I dropped the bags and saw your gloves inside, so I went off to find you and saw you buying something from the jewellery stand.’

‘Ah.’

‘I freaked out because I thought you were buying an engagement ring, especially after I’d seen you looking at them a short while before while I was looking at the necklaces. I was scared you were going to propose because I felt if it came to an end now or in the next few weeks or months, it would hurt but I’d be OK, but if we got married and it came to an end it would be ten times worse.’

He smiled, wistfully. ‘I want nothing more than to marry you and raise a family with you one day but even I wouldn’t propose after a few days. I was looking at engagement rings, but purely because I was wondering what style I would buy for you, when I did eventually propose. But were you scared because I’d broken your heart before, is that the crux of all this?’

‘I think that was a tiny part of it, not trusting that your feelings were real or at least big enough to last a lifetime.’

‘Trust me, my love for you is big enough to last ten lifetimes.’

She grinned. ‘I know because I feel the same. But actually, when I analysed why I felt so scared of it this morning, it came back to what happened to my parents and how devastated my mum was when she found out my dad had betrayed her. And how I felt when our lovely, happy little family unit was lost, all those family days out, the family holidays, the movie nights, gone in the blink of an eye, and that feeling of being utterly alone. What I have with you is everything, it’s everything I’ve always wanted and dreamed about and now suddenly I have it and I was scared of the heartbreak I would feel if I lost it.’

He frowned, stroking her face. ‘I would never betray you like that. I love you too much, I could never do anything like that to hurt you.’

‘I know. As I said, I was scared, but I’m not anymore. Our story is different to theirs, we’ve been in love for sixteen years. I remembered everything you’ve done for me over the years that shows how much you love me, the little things, the big things, it was written in everything you did. I have no reason to doubt you or any reason to fear it will come to an end.’

‘I know I shouldn’t guarantee you a lifetime of being together. People change, circumstances change, but in my heart, I know this is forever for us, we have something rare and special,’ Shay said.

‘I feel that too.’

He kissed her and she couldn’t help smiling against his lips.

‘Would you like to see what I did buy you at the market?’

She nodded. He got up and she had the pleasure of watching him walk spectacularly naked across the room. He grabbed the box from his coat pocket and brought it back to her. She sat up and he sat down in front of her, offering out the box. She opened it and smiled when she saw the marcasite owl necklace she had been pining for.

‘Oh Shay, I love it, thank you.’

‘Happy Christmas baby.’

She leaned forward and kissed him hard. He wrapped his arms around her and fell back against the floor taking her with him.

‘So you really do love it, you’re not disappointed it isn’t an engagement ring?’

‘I love it,’ she slid her hand down across his stomach and then moved it lower. ‘And I’m going to show you how much.’