Chapter 26

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

Orla looked at the cute wooden cabins that had been set up on the village green for the Christmas market and couldn’t help smiling. Everything looked so festive. The snow that had fallen over the last few days still lay in a thick blanket on top of the rooves and more snow was gently falling now, adding to that Christmassy feeling. Everything sparkled, not just from the glittering snow but from the festive lights that twinkled from the eaves and the splendidly decorated Christmas trees that were interspersed between the huts. There were garlands of holly and berries hanging from the roofs of each hut too. There were ice sculptures decorating the green as well, or what appeared to be. Orla suspected they were made from glass or resin as they certainly didn’t show any signs of melting. But whatever they were made of, they were impressive. Sparkling statues of elves, snowman, reindeer, polar bears, Santa and his sleigh all festooned the area in the middle of the green.

She looked up at Shay, holding her hand as they walked around. He made her so damn happy. She glanced down at Ivy who was also looking up at Shay adoringly. Orla wondered if Ivy had any idea what a wonderful life she was going to have with this kind, brilliant, generous man who saved her.

There were stalls selling candles of every scent where Orla spent a few minutes sniffing all the Christmas ones like frosty dawn, angel and toffee apple , a stall selling churros and crepes, one selling baubles of every colour and size and covered in cute Christmas characters, there was one selling funny festive village paintings, another selling mulled wine, one selling chutneys and jams, one selling wooden sculptures. Orla knew she could spend hours looking at all the gorgeous festive offerings.

One stall even had festive dog treats, which of course Shay bought for Ivy.

She stopped at one stall to look at some antique jewellery. A lot of it was marcasite which she loved because it seemed to have a perpetual twinkle while still capturing that vintage style she loved. She picked up an owl pendant that had a turquoise belly and green crystal eyes and the rest of the body, wings and head adorned with marcasite. It was beautiful.

She ran her finger over the belly feeling the coolness of the stone and looked up at Shay watching her.

‘A lot of your jewellery has this kind of vintage style. Do you prefer that over the more modern styles?’

She loved that he’d noticed that about her. ‘Oh yes, I love it, especially the 1920s, art deco styles. They were real statement pieces.’ She picked up a pendant that had a large bluey purple cabochon in the middle surrounded by swirls of silver, crystal and marcasite. ‘This kind of thing was very popular back then and for me, I don’t think this kind of style ever goes out of fashion. I’d wear this with jeans and a t-shirt. Anything with a long drop, like an elongated teardrop was also very popular and I love that too. But I also love the modern takes on antique jewellery. Something like this owl or this beautiful kingfisher wouldn’t have been in style back then, but it still has that gorgeous vintage feel. Anything with marcasite is a winner for me, but also, I love the pops of colour from the turquoise or amber.’

‘Are you going to get something?’

‘Oh no, with the café being closed over the last few days and the countless Christmas presents I’ve bought, I couldn’t afford it right now, but that’s OK, I probably have enough jewellery to open up a small stall myself. I’ve amassed quite the collection over the years, mostly bought from car boot sales or charity shops, I probably don’t need any more jewellery. It’s just nice to look at it.’

She inspected a few more pieces and then glanced over at Shay to see what he was looking at. Her heart leapt to see him looking at the selection of engagement rings. Surely, he couldn’t be thinking about proposing to her just yet. It had only been a few days and everything still felt so new and precarious. Although maybe that feeling of precariousness was coming from her not him, but still, it was way too early for marriage and proposals. Although from his point of view he already knew every single thing about her. As Carrie said, they didn’t need to take the time to get to know each other or find out if they fitted, because they knew they did. Maybe this was his way of showing he was all in on their future.

No, she was being silly, he was not going to propose. There was lots of jewellery over there besides the engagement rings; he could be looking at potential gifts for Fern or Carrie. She laughed to herself at the panic she’d started to feel at the thought of him proposing. She wondered what she would do if he did. Her heart would scream yes because she had been waiting for that for almost her entire life. Her head would be more cautious because if it came to an end now, she would be heartbroken, but if it came to an end six months or a year into marriage, she would be devastated. Staying friends after a failed marriage would be even harder to do.

But fortunately, she wouldn’t have to worry about any of that because he wasn’t going to propose. She’d not even told him she loved him yet, although of course she did, but surely he would wait for that at least.

Realising she was watching him, he stepped back away from the stall.

‘You ready to go?’

She nodded and took Shay’s hand as they walked off to the next stall which was selling snowmen dressed as every occupation imaginable; astronauts, doctors, fire fighters, police, bakers, car mechanics, pilots were just a few that she spotted.

They wandered on, passing stalls selling Christmas decorations with a coastal vibe, festively decorated cupcakes, Christmas pyjamas and Christmas fused and stained-glass decorations. Shay bought a few things from a few stalls. She bought a candle for Ettie.

‘Oh, I’ve left my gloves somewhere,’ Shay said, patting down his pockets. ‘I think I left them at the brownie stall. They were giving out free samples and I took my gloves off to try them. Here, hold these bags for me and I’ll be right back.’

He handed her Ivy and the bags and took off at a run before she could even suggest that she would come with him. Suddenly a loose dog came charging through the market, barged into her and some of the bags she was holding fell to the floor. Luckily only soft things, like the scarf he’d bought for Carrie and the soft snowman toy she’d bought for Ocean. She folded the scarf neatly and popped it back into the bag and she spotted Shay’s gloves at the bottom. He’d obviously taken them off at the brownie stall and popped them in one of his bags, out of the way and then forgot. She doubled back to try and find him and tell him. But he wasn’t at the brownie stall. She wandered on a bit further, hoping he wasn’t visiting every stall he’d visited in search for his lost gloves.

Then she spotted him at the antique jewellery stall, and he was clearly buying something. Something that was in a small, square box, which he slipped into his coat pocket. He’d bought an engagement ring. Her heart thundered in her chest. She wasn’t ready for a proposal. It was too soon, but how could she say no to him when she’d wanted this all her life?

She quickly turned back before he saw her and made her way back to where he’d left her. What was she going to do?

She saw him walking towards her with a big smile on his face and she quickly plastered a smile on her own so he wouldn’t suspect that she knew.

‘I couldn’t find them,’ Shay said. ‘I think I might have left them in one of my bags.’ He took the bags from her and looked in a few and then found them. ‘Oh look, here they are.’

Orla forced out a laugh. ‘Oh, you daft sod, you should have checked them before you ran off.’

‘I didn’t remember putting them in there. Oh well, at least they’re not lost. Shall we do this side of the market now?’

She nodded and he took her hand again but as they walked towards the other half of the market, her heart was racing. She had to say no, she wasn’t ready for this. But she didn’t want to hurt him and she didn’t want the relationship to come to an end. She just wasn’t ready for that step.

She saw Fern and Fletcher up ahead, with Bones, and Ocean fast asleep on Fletcher’s shoulder. She let go of Shay’s hand and ran over to give Fern a hug.

‘Help me,’ Orla whispered in Fern’s ear.

Fern pulled back to look at her and nodded.

‘We’re going to get some hot chocolates, you boys stay here, we’ll be back in a minute,’ Fern said, linking arms with Orla and walking away before they got a chance to say anything.

‘What’s going on?’ Fern said in concern once they were far enough away not to be heard.

‘I think Shay is going to propose.’ She explained how she’d seen him looking at engagement rings and how she’d caught him buying something from the jewellery stall. Something that came in a small square box.

‘I have to say that I was where you are a few years ago, Ettie thought she saw Fletcher buy an engagement ring, I got swept away with the excitement and Mum persuaded me to buy a wedding dress and there was no proposal. And Shay took sixteen years to tell you he loves you; I don’t think he’s the kind to suddenly propose after a few days so before you get excited—’

‘I’m not excited, I’m freaking out. It’s too soon, isn’t it? I know you got engaged after a month and Ettie got engaged in less than a week and you two are both blissfully happy, and I guess if you know this is your person there isn’t any point in hanging around, but it feels too soon.’

‘Do you doubt that Shay is the right one for you?’

Orla sighed. ‘No, I love him with everything I have. He is the person that I want to raise a family with, grow old and grey with. I want what you, Ettie and Roo have, and he is the only person I’ve ever wanted that with.’

‘Then what’s the problem. If he proposes. You love him, he loves you. There is no right time when it comes to love, it’s just whatever feels right for you.’

‘I’m scared. I know there’s no guarantees when it comes to love, but right now this feels safe. I haven’t even told him I love him yet because I’m trying to protect myself. If it comes to an end, if Shay decides he doesn’t love me after all, it feels like we could easily just fall back into being friends again – we tried, nothing ventured, nothing gained, it didn’t work, no big deal.’ Orla swallowed a lump of emotion at that thought. It was definitely going to be a big deal; she was deluding herself if she thought she wouldn’t get hurt. ‘But if we get married and he walks away after a few months it would be so much worse. We talked about it. Marriage is a big commitment for me. It’s not something I would enter into lightly after seeing how easily and how horribly it went wrong for my own parents. If I marry him, I have to be one hundred per cent convinced that it’s forever and right now I don’t trust that it is.’

They joined the queue for the hot chocolates and Fern was silent for a while, but eventually she spoke.

‘If I’m being honest, I think the thing that is going to cause your relationship to fail is that you are holding back. You’re trying to protect yourself by not telling Shay you love him but eventually that will start to cause doubt in his mind that this is a one-sided relationship and he will end it. He’s already grown up in a relationship where there was no love, where his love for his mum was never reciprocated. He was a kid back then and he never knew he deserved better. But now he’s confident enough to walk away.’

Orla gave a little gasp at that. She would never want to do anything to hurt Shay, she’d hate for him to walk away from this thinking he wasn’t loved, that he wasn’t enough because that wasn’t the case at all. And she never realised she was self-sabotaging this relationship before it had properly begun.

‘If you don’t trust him because of something that happened twelve years ago before he got all that counselling, before he grew up to be the man he is today, then you probably need to talk to him about that and see if you can move forward from it. Because if you can’t then it might be best to call a halt on this relationship now. Holding back is not fair on him and it’s not fair on you. Neither of you are going to get what you want out of this unless you can go all in. If you’re always waiting for it to end, then one day it will. You have to give one hundred per cent of yourself to him, and I don’t mean marriage, but embrace the relationship without any doubts or fears. Give your heart to him fully.’

Fern was right, she was still living with her past demons and she needed to let them go. Could she do that, could she finally let go of the past for good and move on with the future she had always dreamed of?

‘Everything has moved so fast for you two, well, sixteen years after it first started, but the last few days have been a blur. You’ve gone from being friends who loved each other from afar, to nearly dying in an accident, to Shay telling you he loved you, to making love and now you’re practically living with him. I can understand you feel like you have whiplash from how fast things are moving. If I were you, I think you need to go back home, have some space away from him just for a day or so, get your head around whether this is something you really want. I think you’re still in love with the boy that broke your heart, which is why you can’t move on from that. You need to decide whether you’re in love with the man he is now and whether you can trust him.’

Maybe this was part of her fear – it had all happened so fast. She’d never had a relationship like this that had gone from nought to ninety in less than a few seconds. Every man she’d dated in the past had started off slow, they’d been on dates where they’d got to know each other, then there had been the flirting, slowly becoming comfortable with each other. Even sex had always been OK to start with until they’d got to know each other’s bodies, their likes and dislikes. It had never been mind-blowing from the first time like it had been with Shay. She’d never had a relationship with a man where they’d talked about marriage and children, she’d never reached the stage in a relationship where she wanted to live with a man or stayed longer than a night or a weekend at most. She’d had all that with Shay and it hadn’t even been a week.

Everything had changed in a blink of an eye, and she was still trying to get her head around her new reality. Sometimes at night, she’d lie in his arms and wonder if this was all a blissful dream that she was going to wake up from at any minute. She couldn’t quite believe that she got to kiss him, touch him, make love to him after all these years. And everything had been so deliciously perfect. The ease she had with him, they could chat for hours or not chat at all, and both were easy and comfortable because they knew each other so well. The sweet touches of affection had been wonderful; the cuddles, the kissing, the holding hands, the making love. Oh, the making love had been exquisite every single time, the way he worshipped and adored her body had been magnificent. Even staying in his house had felt so right, like she belonged there with him. She could picture herself there with him very happily for the rest of her life, even raising a family there.

And that was really the crux of the problem. Because everything had been so perfect she was scared of losing it all and the more time she spent with him and the more she fell in love with him, she held herself back even more.

But Fern was right, it wasn’t fair on Shay. How must he be feeling every time he told her he loved her and she didn’t say it back? How long would it be before he started pulling away too, to protect himself.

Maybe Fern was right; maybe a few days away from him would be good to give her a little perspective.

She nodded. ‘I do love him, but a few days away would be good to get some clarity. The more I’m with him the more I’m scared of losing him. It’s self-destructive and it’s not fair. I need some time to figure out how to get past this before I ruin it completely.’

‘I think that’s a wise thing to do. But remember what I said about concussion causing unstable emotions. All of your worries about your relationship could be stemming from that. Maybe now isn’t even the best time to start a relationship or make rational decisions, maybe you need to have a break for a few weeks until you start feeling more like you.’

She suddenly felt relieved about that. All of her worries and anxiety about the relationship ending could be coming from her concussion or at least it was heightening those concerns into something more. She had felt emotional and even tearful. Fern was right, this was just normal post-concussion symptoms. But she didn’t need a few weeks to work out whether she loved Shay, she had loved him as long as she’d known him. She was going to fight for him, and for them, she just needed a few days away from him to work out how to do that.

Now she just had to tell him she was going home, and she wasn’t looking forward to that.

Shay lay in his bed with Orla sprawled out on top of him as he tried to catch his breath. Orla’s heart was still racing after he’d made love to her and he couldn’t be any happier right now. He stroked his fingers up and down her spine and she moaned softly. He hadn’t said he loved her today. He felt the awkwardness of it every time he did and she didn’t say it back. He didn’t want to pressure her into saying it if she didn’t feel that way, but his heart was so full of her, it felt like it would burst. He wanted to shout it from the rooftops.

And he knew she had strong feelings for him; he could tell that by the way she looked at him, especially when they were making love. He just hoped that eventually she would feel the same way as him.

She moved onto her side but still cuddled against him. She ran her hand over his chest and placed a kiss against his heart.

‘I need to go home tomorrow,’ Orla said.

He frowned in confusion. ‘To get some more clothes?’

‘No.’

He felt goosebumps on his skin. ‘You don’t have to, you can stay as long as you want. I love having you here. Hell, you can move in permanently if you want.’

‘I do have to go. I… need some space to think.’

That didn’t sound good.

He looked at her, stroking a hair from her face. ‘Is something wrong?’

‘No. Well yes but not with you, you haven’t done anything wrong. You’re the perfect boyfriend and I…’ she paused. ‘Will you trust me when I say I’m doing this for us?’

‘I trust you completely.’

Tears filled her eyes.

‘Hey, what’s wrong?’

‘Nothing,’ she wiped the tears away. ‘I’m fine. Fern thinks my emotions are all over the place because of post-concussion stress. She said she had that after she knocked herself out on her bike as a kid.’

He stroked her face. ‘She did, she was crying all the time for no reason. It passed after a few weeks. Do you feel sad?’

‘I feel worried and anxious.’

‘About what?’

‘It doesn’t matter.’

‘Of course it does.’

She reached up and kissed him, cupping his face and stroking it with her thumb. She pulled back slightly. ‘I’m going to fix this, I promise. Just give me a few days.’

‘Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, are we not going to spend Christmas together?’

‘I’ll see you at your mum’s for lunch on Christmas Day.’

This wasn’t what he’d planned at all for their first Christmas together but if she needed space then he had to respect that. But for the first time since they got together a seed of doubt grew in his heart. What if this was the beginning of the end?