12

Not much phases me.

Even with my flair for dramatics, I've always had a level head. Nothing throws me off my game.

But this…

Fuck that guy. Fuck him sideways and right off the edge of a cliff.

The swarm of thoughts in my mind are difficult to understand as they buzz around, noisy and chaotic. I'm extraordinarily in tune with my emotions, but I don't have the first clue how to sort through what he just told me, or how it affects me.

I can't even figure out where to begin.

My insides are all tangled and sticky, refusing to unravel.

It's a lightbulb moment. Everything about Dante falls into place, all the unanswered questions and nuances, and now it makes perfect sense. His hesitation for relationships and low self-esteem, and this extreme need he has for control.

What it must be like to carry that. I'd explode from the pressure.

Another realization hits me as I recall the times I've seen Dante snap. "You don't have to answer this," I say as a precursor, glancing up at his profile as he stares absentmindedly at the wall. "You said Trent made you submit… did he make you call him something?"

Dante coughs out a bitter laugh as he sniffles, quickly wiping the corner of his eye. "Can't hide anything from you, can I?" He pauses, looking away. "Daddy. In the beginning, he let it slide, but later… well, let's just say that I have an entire line of burns for my insolence."

I'm horrified at the thought of how I teased him. "Shit, Dante… all those times I gave you a hard time and made the guys call you that. Oh my God, I am so fucking sorry."

He squeezes me against him in a tight hug. "It's okay," he whispers, but I shake my head.

"It's not!"

"Theo, you had no way of knowing. If I'm not willing to share what triggers me, I can't expect people to accommodate me. You can't read my mind."

"No, but I saw your reaction. I just... I wanted to get a rise out of you, that's all. Wanted your attention."

He tilts to look at me with a shake of his head. "Theo, every ounce of my undivided attention has been yours since the moment you walked into my life. It has never wavered. Not once. But now that you've heard my history, you understand why I can't act on this."

"Um, no, actually," I say as I sit up straighter. "I don't understand at all. Care to enlighten me?"

"Theo…" he groans. "I haven't been in a relationship in six years. And even when I was, they weren't healthy. I've never been in one that wasn't completely fucked up. And what Trent did to my body..." The words die on his lips, and I despise the defeated expression on his face.

Hate how crushed he looks as he continues.

"There are… intimate parts of myself that I can't stand to be touched. That I might never be comfortable having touched again. What sort of life is that for you, huh? Worrying about a panic attack every time you want to be close to me? Even just the thought of sex sometimes sends me into a spiral. I've told you over and over, Theo. I'm broken." The tiny crack in his voice almost splinters me on the spot.

"You're worth it… and I am patient," I say, sliding my knees on either side of his hips, sitting on his thighs.

"Nobody is that patient," he mutters.

"For you I would be."

Those intense, dark eyes bore into mine for a few long seconds before he sighs and offers me a sad smile, shaking his head. "Never in a million years would I ask you to put your life on hold to deal with my mess, Theo."

"And what about what I want, Dante?" I challenge as he forces out a heavy exhale. "What if I want to put my life on hold for your mess? Take chances, make mistakes, get messy!" My joke lands, causing the slightest grin to tug at his lips.

"Okay, Miss Frizzle."

My smile fades as I return to the root of the conversation. "Why are you the one who gets to determine what's best for us? Where is my say in this?"

"I love you," he says, emphasizing each syllable, and my words stumble to a stop. "Enough to put you first, above everything else. You are my best friend and the most incredible person I have ever met. Please , Theo. Please understand that having you in my life makes me unbelievably happy. Happier than I've ever been."

"You… love me?" He swallows as he nods, and my hands land on his cheeks, the coarse hair scratching against my palms as I lean in closer. "Then let me love you back." I close the distance between us, pressing my lips against his and relishing the quiet moan that passes from his mouth to mine. "I do, you know," I whisper against his kiss. "Love you back. I always have."

All these kisses we've shared have never gone beyond this—simple and sweet, not even any tongue involved. But kissing Dante feels like the most sensual thing I've ever done in my life.

He pulls away and meets my eyes again. "It's why this has to stop. We can't do this, Theo. The kissing and touching… it's too much. Too easy to slip into more."

"Then say fuck it and slip! Let yourself fall... fucking dive into this," I beg. "Jump with me." The tiniest ray of hope that lives inside me gets a little dimmer with each second he hesitates.

And finally, he shakes his head and puts out the light.

"We can't be more than what we are. I won't risk hurting you."

My hands fall to his chest, gravitating to where the steady beat of his heart pounds underneath my palm.

The other half of mine.

"Okay." I force the word out even as it rips me apart. "Alright. I won't pressure you." His relief is cut short as I continue, "But I'm also not giving up on this. Take all the time you need and do whatever it takes to convince yourself that you are worthy of happiness. Find that trust in yourself that I already have in you. You would never hurt me, Dante. Never."

He only gives me a bittersweet smile as I slide off his lap. "Thank you," he whispers as I settle back into the couch.

"Don't jump to gratitude just yet… it seems you've forgotten how relentless I can be."

"How could I ever forget one of your defining traits?"

I lean to lay my head on him, then hesitate and glance up to meet his eyes. He gives a single nod and slides his arm over my shoulders as I relax into him. "Remember that time with Eric and the cake stripper?"

He chuckles and his fingers flex against my skin. "The time he made an offhand joke about a stripper dressed in a mermaid costume jumping out of his cake for his birthday? And then you spent the next two months making thousands of phone calls to arrange his party to look like a crazy fever dream?"

"Who knew that was more of a Hollywood thing than a real-life thing?" I muse with a grin. "And besides, how was I supposed to know anything about female strippers? It took research." He laughs and shakes his head as we fall into a comfortable silence. I put on a movie but only give it half of my attention while my thoughts race.

There's only one question echoing in my mind, bouncing and ricocheting like a stray bullet.

When the world has repeatedly beaten a man down, how do you make him believe he deserves everything it has to offer?

The next week goes by with no excitement. Dante is wary around me until he realizes I meant what I said.

I won't pressure him.

Not yet.

It doesn't mean I won't mess with him.

Practice is at six this afternoon, and I get there early to set up. The guys are getting here at five, since we know that our fearless leader will be here no later than five thirty.

Music blasts through the studio when Dante walks in, brows knitted in confusion as we play. My grin is manic, and Eric can't hide his either. Tai and Dmitri are experts at poker faces, but even they can't disguise the fact that they're trying not to smile.

"What's going on in here? Did I get the time wrong…" His voice trails off as he spots our fifth member. "Oh, what the fuck," he whispers, eyes wide as I bite my lip to keep from laughing.

"Dante, meet Blow Up Wante."

Dante's guitar is strapped across the chest of a blow-up doll, complete with exaggerated lips that resemble a puffy donut and a giant balloon cock sticking out from its hips.

"Why in the actual fuck does it look exactly like me?"

Unable to contain myself any longer, I burst into laughter as I sprint over and affectionately stroke its smooth, bald head. "Does it? I didn't even notice."

Dante's eyes wander over the doll, his expression still one of utter confusion.

"You didn't notice?" he asks, completely dry. He leans closer, inspecting the round lips as he says, "It's my twin… even has the same fucking mole as me!"

My lips tug between my teeth as I lean closer with him, trying to appear thoughtful as I glance back and forth between him and the doll. "Huh… would you look at that?"

Eric lets a giggle slip free, and soon Dmitri joins him.

Dante's eyes are locked on mine as I grin like an idiot. "And, uh, what exactly did you say his name was?"

"Blow Up Wante."

"Wante? What is this, Mario Kart? We've got Wario, Waluigi, and now we're adding Wante to the mix?"

I put my hands over the non-existent rubber ears. "Shh, don't listen to him, Wante. He's just sad that he's no longer the prettiest man in the room." There's a loud series of piercing squeaks as I pick up the doll and hold him in front of me. "He expects an apology."

Dante heaves a heavy sigh as the others laugh uncontrollably. I take a step forward until Wante's inflated cock pushes against Dante's belly. "Oopsie daisy! Let's let him kiss that and make it all better." I drop the donut mouth to the spot where the doll's dick just assaulted him and make a loud kissing sound.

"Are you proud of yourself?" Dante asks, lips pursed and brow lifted as he looks at me, trying to hide his amusement. He's cute, pretending he's not enjoying this.

"So proud," I whisper, still bobbing the lips and making kissy noises.

"Where did this even come from?" He pulls the doll from my hands, and Eric's giggles get louder as the squeaks get more intense.

"I might've had it custom ordered. Watch this…" I reach over and squeeze the hand, and a deep robotic voice calls out, "My name is Wante, and I need a good blow!" I press it again, and this time it says, "Goddamn it, Eric!"

"Why is it yelling at me?" Eric cries, outraged.

I hold a finger up to shush him and give the hand one last squeeze. "Please rub my beautiful bald head!"

Dante stares at me until, out of nowhere, he throws his head back and releases the deepest, richest laugh I've ever heard from him. Everyone else's laughter sputters to a stop and they stare as he cracks up until tears form in his eyes. "Damn it, Theo," he says between laughs, and pulls me into a hug, squishing Wante between us with more loud squeaks.

"What am I going to do with you?" he asks, wiping the gleeful tears away.

"Whatever you want," I whisper back, and he just chuckles as he hugs me tighter.

Even the overpowering face full of chemical rubber smell from Wante doesn't deter me as I curl in, enjoying the sound of his happiness and taking my fill while I can get it.