Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

MATTHEW

I hold Emmie close and whisper calming words into her ear. I hate that she heard Jessica and me fighting. She doesn’t need to see that kind of shit. No kid does.

The first twelve years of my life were filled with nothing but fights. First, it was daily screaming matches between my mom and the boyfriend she had at the time. Every day it was something. Either he wasn’t giving her enough attention, or she burned dinner. Regardless, the fights were loud and often violent.

He left when I was six. After that, my mom had a string of boyfriends that never stayed around for more than a month or two. But before he left, it always ended in more fighting. I swore when I had kids, they’d never see fights like that.

“Shh. It’s okay, sweetheart. There’s no reason to cry.” I rub my hand down her back and hold her tight.

She lifts her face and looks at me with sad, tear-filled eyes. Was every girl I cared about going to cry today? “Then why did that lady say she wouldn’t sell us the house? I don’t want to lose my room.”

“I’m sorry, kiddo. I wish you hadn’t heard that. She’s just upset right now. Give her time to calm down, and Daddy will fix this.” I kiss her on the nose and force a smile. I really hope I’m not lying to my girl, and I can fix this. Jessica can be stubborn. If she decides not to sell me the house, there’s nothing I can do about it. But dammit, I’m going to try .

“Why is she upset?”

“You know how Uncle Jimmy just died?” I wait until she nods. “Well, unlike to us, he really was her uncle. So, she’s extra sad that he’s gone.”

“Oh.” Emmie looks down and fiddles with one of the buttons on my shirt. I can see the wheels turning in her mind as she processes what I said. She looks up at me, her tears dry, and scowls. The kind of scowl she gives when she decides she doesn’t like something that’s happening. “If she’s extra sad, then you shouldn’t have yelled at her like that, Daddy. Never yell at someone when they’re sad. It’s mean.”

Her words make me smile, and I pull her in for a kiss on the cheek. “You’re right. I’ll be sure to apologize for that.” I look over her shoulder and catch Momma standing with her arms crossed over her chest wearing an even bigger scowl than Emmie. I take in a deep breath and prepare myself for what’s about to come. “Now, head back over to the tire swing, and let me talk to Grandma for a second. I think she has something to say, too.”

“Okay.” Emmie dries her eyes and sniffs before she kisses my cheek. She wiggles free from my arms and runs off.

Once she’s back to swinging, I turn my gaze to Momma. “Well, let me have it.”

“I guess this means Jessica didn’t know you were living in her house.” Momma glares at me.

I rub my hands over my face to stifle the scream that desperately wants out. “Yep, that’s a safe assumption.”

“I thought you said she knew?”

“Jimmy told me he talked to her about it. What was I supposed to do? Call her myself?”

“Well, there’s a novel idea. I think maybe if you talked a long time ago, everything would be different now. When are you going to fix whatever went wrong between you two?”

“Momma.” I drop my head into my hand and rub the bridge of my nose. It’s bad enough that I had to go through this with Jessica. I didn’t want to do it with Momma, too. “It’s not that simple.”

“It never is. But nothing will ever get solved if you two don’t talk.”

I take my Stetson off my head and slap it against my leg in frustration. “I already followed her over here after she asked me to leave her alone. What more would you have me do?”

Momma drops her arms to her side, her hands balled into fists. Momma didn’t get mad often, but when she did, she struggled to contain it. “Keep following her until she listens.”

“She doesn’t want to talk to me,” I yell in frustration.

“Can you blame her? I wouldn’t want to talk to you with that attitude either.”

“That’s not fair. You don’t understand.”

“You’re right. I don’t. Because you never told me what happened between you two. All I’ve got to go on is what I see. And I see my son being too hard on a woman who’s in shock and in mourning. That girl has no one left, Matt. You of all people should understand what that kind of loneliness is like.”

She’s right, but I keep digging myself a deeper hole. “I’m sure she’s not completely alone. And she still has her brother.”

“Matthew Edward Langdon, you go after that woman right now and make this right. You two used to be inseparable. Your father and I were so certain you two would—” Momma stops and rubs her hands over her face. When she looks back in my direction, there are tears in her eyes. “She’s hurting. She may not know it yet, or even be willing to accept it, but you’re the only one who can make this right. Find a way and fix this.”

Without giving me a chance to respond, Momma walks back to the bench and sits down to watch Emmie swing. I turn my gaze to the path Jessica took into the forest. I know where she went. There’s only one place she ever went when she needed to think.

On a sigh and with my head hung low, I walk into the forest to find her.

I don’t have to think about where to go to find Jessica. I’ve made this walk so many times, I can find my way to her spot with my eyes closed.

I was twelve the first time I’d stumbled onto her sitting on the big rock that looks out over the water. I had just come to live with the Langdons, and I wasn’t exactly adjusting well to the new environment. No one yelled. Momma and Dad were respectful to each other, and Leann and Joseph, who were nine at the time, looked out for each other like brothers and sisters should. It didn’t matter that Joseph was adopted. They treated him like blood. I didn’t see Adam a lot at first. He was still in Chicago at the time. But he seemed nice enough.

I didn’t know how to deal with nice . No one had ever been nice to me. If Dad had punched me in the gut or stuck his foot out to trip me, causing me to hit my head on the edge of the table, now that would have been familiar. I still have the scar on my forehead from where one of my mother’s boyfriends tripped me to prove it.

To say the twelve-year-old version of me had been uneasy in the Langdon house was an understatement.

As soon as Leo went outside to the barn and Rosie into the kitchen, I snuck out the back door. I’d only been here for two weeks, and they still watched me like they didn’t know what to do with me. My last two foster homes sent me back to the state after only three weeks, so I suspected my time here was running short.

I hadn’t gotten into any trouble yet, so maybe they’d let me stay longer than the last two families. But the Langdons were so far away from town, it was hard to get into too much trouble.

And I was itching for it. I didn’t know how to exist if I wasn’t in the middle of something bad.

My only real shot at trouble was at school. But this school was so lame, I couldn’t seem to find trouble even though I kept looking.

So today, I was sneaking out to make my own trouble. If I couldn't find it, then I’d sure as hell create plenty of it on my own to make up for the lack of it in this dull town.

I just didn’t know how I’d make my way to town without a car. I may only be twelve, but I knew how to drive. Someone had to pick my mom up from the bars after she’d gotten wasted. But the Langdons hid their keys, and I didn’t know how to hotwire a car. That was a skill I should learn. It’d be useful out here in the middle of nowhere.

It looked like I was hoofing it instead.

To avoid being seen, I darted into the forested area that ran along the edge of the property. If I kept walking south, the forest would lead me to the main road. From there, maybe I could hitchhike.

I walked in a few hundred feet before I’d heard the sound of running water. I followed the sound until I happened upon a creek. This must be the famous Rush Creek that was the namesake of the ranch.

I followed the creek south for a few minutes before I stopped. Movement between the trees caught my attention. I slowed my pace and took care not to step on any twigs or dead leaves. I didn’t want to give away my position. When I neared the creek bank, I crouched behind a bush.

A pretty blond girl sat on a large rock on the other side of the creek. At first, I didn’t think she was doing anything but sitting, but then I noticed her skipping rocks. She was pretty good at it for a girl.

I’d seen her in school. I think she was in my English class, but I didn’t know her name. I didn’t bother with names most of the time. I’d be leaving soon so no use getting friendly.

But I felt an odd urge to get friendly with this girl. There was something about her that held my attention. Maybe it was because she was so damn pretty.

She had blond hair that curled around her shoulders. Her legs were long and slender, and she was developing a nice rack for a twelve year old girl. Most girls my age didn’t have boobs yet, so I couldn’t help but stare at them sometimes in class.

That wasn’t the only thing nice about her. Her eyes were as blue as sapphires and when she smiled it made my belly feel funny. It made me feel like I was going to be sick. I had no clue what that meant, but I kinda liked it. Did that make me weird?

I watched her skip rock after rock, every one of them skipping across the water at least three times before it sank. I could watch her forever and never get bored. But I had trouble to create, and I couldn’t do that by watching a girl.

I was about to sneak away when I heard the neigh of a horse. I glanced past the girl, and sure enough, there was a horse tied to a tree a few feet away from where she sat.

Hot damn, I found my ticket into town.

Now, I had to figure out how to cross the creek and sneak off with her horse without getting caught.

I headed north until the creek curved and the girl was hidden from view. If I couldn’t see her, then I assumed she couldn’t see me either. Crossing was a little more challenging. For a creek it was kinda deep, but it was narrow. I came upon a tree with a limb that hung over and swung across like it was the jungle gym on the school playground. I made it two-thirds of the way across before the limb sagged and my feet hit the water.

“Shit,” I mumbled. “So much for staying dry.”

I lifted my feet and swung myself the rest of the way across. I missed my landing and fell smack on my back. I clenched my jaw to keep from crying out and did my best to remain still. I hoped I didn’t make too much noise and scare her off. If she left before I got to her horse, I’d never make it to town.

When no one came to investigate my clumsy attempt at crossing the creek, I slowly stood and stretched out my legs and back. No harm done.

I followed the creek south again until I saw her from behind. She was still sitting on the rock, seemingly unaware of my fall upstream.

When I reached her horse, he seemed gentle enough. Or her, I guess the horse could be a girl. I didn’t know much about horses, but they seemed cool. Leo was into horses, and he said he’d teach me all about them if I wanted. It would be nice, but I doubt they’d keep me around long enough for me to learn much.

I untied the reins and stared at the saddle, debating on how best to get up on this thing. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. I’d never ridden a horse before and had no clue what I was doing. Then again, how hard could it be?

As soon as I stepped into the stirrups and threw my leg over the horse, I heard the girl call out. But I was already on, and the horse started running. There was nothing she could do to stop me now.

That was until she let out a loud whistle, and the horse stopped suddenly. My hands slipped, and I lost my hold on the reins. I flew right over the side, flipped in the air, and landed on my back. Again.

Before I was able to catch my breath, the girl jumped on top of me and straddled me. She grabbed my shirt with one hand and held a fist in the air like she was going to punch me in the face with the other. I stared at her deep blue eyes, and they flickered with hints of gold right around the pupils. Her lips were pinched into a thin line and her brows were wrinkled.

I should have pushed her off me and ran, but I couldn’t. All I could do was stare. Her angry glare and complete lack of fear held me captive. My eyes shifted to her mouth, and she bit down on her bottom lip. I didn’t know what was going on with my body, but I really liked that. This girl was ready to fight, and all I could think about was kissing her.

“Tell me why I shouldn’t punch you for trying to steal my horse?”

I didn’t answer her because I couldn’t speak. She was beautiful, but seeing her up close like this was an entirely different experience. Her blond hair glowed like a halo with the afternoon sun shining through the trees, and her anger heightened the passion burning in her eyes. As our eyes locked, and her expression shifted. I don’t know much about girls, but my gut told me this shift was a good thing.

Apparently deciding not to hit me, she dropped her fist and let go of my shirt before she stood. She dusted off her jeans and grabbed the reins to her horse.

“Did you hurt yourself?” she asked.

“No.” My voice croaked. I cleared my throat and stood up. My back ached from the second fall, but I’d be fine. Nothing was broken, at least.

“I’ve seen you around at school. You’re the new kid staying with Leo and Rosie, right?”

“Yeah.” I dusted off my clothes and pulled a few crumbly leaves out of my hair.

She crossed her arms over her chest like she was annoyed. “You got a name?”

“Matt. And you?” I never spoke much to begin with, but words were more challenging than usual around this girl.

“I’m Jessica, but everyone calls me Jess.”

We stared at each other for an uncomfortable minute. I didn’t know what else to say. I should tell her I was sorry for trying to steal her horse, but I couldn’t get my mouth to work. So I just stood there like an idiot.

“I was skipping rocks into the creek. I like to sit on that big rock back there. You’re welcome to join me if you want.” She turned around and headed back. Now I was even more confused. No one ever invited me to do things with them. But all thoughts of going out and causing trouble left me, and all I wanted to do was sit with Jessica. I liked her, and I wanted to be her friend. I never wanted to be anyone’s friend before.

I followed her back to the creek, and she schooled me on skipping rocks.

Jessica saved me that day.

I never told her that, but it’s true. Instead of going out and causing trouble—which I still did plenty of over the next few years—I stayed with her by that creek for hours. We talked about everything. I told her about my childhood—years in and out of foster care, how my mom was currently hospitalized from her most recent drug overdose, and that I didn’t know who my dad was. I never told anyone about those things, but I told Jessica.

For the first time in my life, I’d made a friend. And later in life, I hurt that friend. Deeply. That’s something I don’t ever expect her to forgive me for, and I’m certain I won’t ever forgive myself for doing it.

I step into a clearing and the creek comes into view. My breath catches in my throat when I see Jessica sitting right where I expected to find her. The image of her with her knees pulled to her chest, and her long blond hair blowing around her face from the gentle breeze is a permanent fixture in my brain. It’s good to see her back in this spot.

“I know you’re there,” she says. I’m still a good fifty feet away from her, but I’m sure she heard my footsteps.

I walk closer to her, but stay on the bank of the creek. As much as I’d love to sit next to her like we did as kids, I don’t. “Just came to talk, Jess.”

She lets out a deep sigh and wipes her face before she stands. When she turns her gaze at me, I see the same intense and passionate glare she’d given me that first day I’d met her. She’s angry—at me, nonetheless—and I want her more than ever.

She marches toward me with a look so angry and determined I’m sure she’s going to hit me. I wouldn’t stop her if she did. I deserve it. But she stops about a foot away, and all the air in my lungs vanishes. My chest feels tight, and my heart is pounding faster than the ripples of water crashing over the rocks in the creek beside us.

“There’s nothing for us to talk about.” Her words sound small and weak despite her rigid stance and stern expression.

I followed her out here to talk, and now I’m at a loss of words. Because all I can think about is touching her. Like a fucking idiot, that’s what I do. I lift my hand, and gently brush my fingertips down her arm because I don’t know how to be this close to her and not touch her. In some fucked up reality in my head, this is okay because she’s still mine. She will always be mine.

She sucks in a breath, and for a second, she relaxes against my touch. That one second fills me with so much hope. She still responds to my touch the same way I'm responding to her. She still wants me, even though I’ve hurt her, and that notion makes my heart soar.

But that second ends. Her posture stiffens, and her expression turns hard again.

“I can’t do this, Matt.” She starts to walk past me, and I reach for her. Our hands glide together like they’re made to fit. They belong together.

I clear my throat and refocus my brain on the situation at hand. “I figured you expected on staying in the house. You’re not going to find a place to stay in town, and you can’t possibly expect me to uproot Emmie on a moment's notice. You can stay in your old room. Or I can make up the guest room for you where you’ll have more privacy.”

She stares at our hands. Her eyes are so focused, I’m not sure she heard me. When she looks up at me, tears well up in her eyes again. “I can’t stay with you. You broke my heart into a million pieces, and I’ve never been able to put it back together again.”

Her hand slips out of mine, and she heads back toward the house. I’m left by the creek with so many feelings and emotions swirling around in my mind, and I don’t know which one to address first.

I’ll always love Jessica. She’s my soulmate. No doubt about it. But I didn’t expect to have this gut wrenching need to hold her and keep her. I never should have touched her. It may have seemed so innocent and minor, but that one brush across her arm and the feel of her hand in mine is enough to set free every feeling, thought, and memory of her that I have.

That one touch opened the floodgates of my emotions. I had that shit locked up so tight in the back of my mind, but now that it’s free, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to close it up again.