Chapter 86

Chapter 86

Natalie

After we had dinner as a family, I had to prepare my son's night time feeds for the first time.

"Pumping is terrible." Ingrid sat down before me, pushing an alien looking contraption towards me. "All of the discomfort of feeding, with none of the closeness." The woman couldn't pull her punches if she tried, but her hand slid across the table and took mine. "But I think this could be a good thing for you."

"If it works." I eyed the breast pump like it was an explosive she expected me to strap to me body. "I just fed the kids, so it might not."

"It might not." She wasn't trying to fight me and that had me staring into her eyes. "If it's all a terrible failure then…" She shrugged. "We will know you need other solutions. What is known is that you cannot keep going as you were."

My free hand shook as I reached for the device and that was when Lars emerged from the kitchen, wiping his hands on a tea towel.

"Can I help?"

Without question, he offered, making me flush. There was no way he could, surely, but he wanted to so very much. I smiled up at him, ready to say no.

"Take your mate upstairs, somewhere private," Ingrid instructed. "This is a tough thing for a woman to do. The others can resettle the babies if they need it. Help her relax, feel safe, be vulnerable."

I'd always thought Ingrid hilarious, but right now I saw something else. A fellow female traveller on the road of life and while heaps of us didn't want to have kids and never would, we could support each other. That was enough to have me nodding as I took Lars' hand as he led me up the stairs.

We walked past the bathroom where I could hear the twins bathing the children, Meryl and Jane helping with the process. Alaric and Holly were dealing with the dishes. Everything that needed to be done was being done.

And I had to do this.

"I don't…" I flumped down on the spare bed. "I'm not sure…" My hands rose and fell. "Lars, I can't?—"

"Try." He was my big, gruff, growly mate, but that wasn't who I saw right now. His keen blue eyes met mine, making clear his need. "Please, Nat. I mean if you really don't want to, you know I'll support you, but…" His hand raked through his hair, sending it up at crazy angles. "But right now I'm ready to kidnap you, take you away to a hotel room and making you sleep for days."

"You wouldn't…"

"Of course, I wouldn't. I'd never deprive my children of their mother, but… Don't you want to get a full night's sleep? Don't you want just a little bit of rest? I'm not saying until the babies are old enough to wean, but still. Some nights, some rest."

"Yeah." My grip tightened around the pump. "Yeah, I do." The equipment was so clinical, medical looking, I twisted it back and forth, not moving it towards my breast. "So how the hell does this work?"

"I read the manual while you were sleeping."

I snorted, trying to imagine the massive man reading the instruction booklet.

"Why am I not surprised?" I said.

"So I think it goes like…"

If they were hoping for it to be an amazing experience, it wasn't. It felt like a depressingly small amount of milk filled the provided bottle.

"That's not going to be enough to do one feed," I said, my tone rising. "For one child. You'll have to?—"

"Shh…" His voice was the same gentle tone I used with my babies. "That's OK. We have to build up to these things, don't we? You did well right now. I know you didn't want to do this, didn't think it would work, but it did." He nodded slowly. "It did, Nat, and that means we can build up your supply, something that is apparently made a lot easier when Mum is relaxed and feeling calm."

Oh.

Shame, horror, they wanted to rise up and swamp me, a nasty self accusing voice ready to tell me all the ways I'd failed, but I couldn't hear them right now, not when my mate held my hand. Lars nodded slowly in recognition. He could feel exactly what I was feeling, if I let my barriers down far enough.

And I could feel his emotions.

Pride, so fierce and strong I was sure it had to be about something else, but no, that was for me, along with love, so much love. He blinked, his eyes getting suspiciously shiny, right as he pulled me close. In a movement that felt like my arms unfurling from where they were always tight tucked against my body, I wrapped my arms around him and held my mate close.

I loved him too. Truly, madly, and from the depths of my soul. There was no one I could trust to be this vulnerable with apart from him and my sleuth. For a moment I just sucked in a breath, then another, drawing his scent into my nose, but when we finally pulled back, I reached for the pump again.

"You want to have another try?" he said.

"I think I do."

He settled around me, pulling me back on the bed so my back rested against his chest and suddenly it wasn't such a terrible process. There was always a closeness that came as I fed my children, and right then he created a similar vibe. I sighed and then closed my eyes, surrendering to the process.