Chapter 75

Chapter 75

Natalie

If I loved my babies so much, why did I want to cry each time they did?

It felt like I'd barely put my head on the pillow when a familiar wail started. Of course when one baby cried, so did the other, so for just a moment I lay there, doing what the maternity care nurse suggested and seeing if they could self-settle. No such luck. How I was supposed to just let them cry, I had no idea, when the sound was like a knife to my chest. Stabbing me over and over in the heart, it made every muscle tighten and my boobs leak. I was exhausted. So deep in sleep deprivation I couldn't have told you what day it was, let alone the date, if you put a gun to my head, because that wasn't required of me.

This was.

Rising in the grey gloom of early morning and stumbling across the bedroom towards the kids, I was halfway off the bed before Koda snorted awake. He blinked owlishly, then turned towards the crib, and that had the corners of my eyes aching.

"They're up again?" he rasped; his voice too hoarse, too sleepy for a man who would be wielding power tools all day. "Little buggers. I'll?—"

"Go back to sleep."

I didn't want that. Misery loves company and all that, but I knew I had to move. Not only were our children not self-settling, but the others were starting to wake up too. Lars grunted something incomprehensible as Thorn grabbed a pillow to cover his ears. Alaric shifted restlessly in the bed, so I went to move quickly. I'd asked the guys more than once to set me and the babies up in another room, away from them. This was met with a flat and very definite no, but I was willing to bet they were regretting that now.

"Go back to sleep," I hissed at Koda. "I've got this."

"We've got this."

His dark eyes glittered in the shadows and then he moved soundlessly, padding across the floor. Just like always, baby Kai looked up at his father, falling silent until he was picked up and set against Koda's shoulder. He patted the little guy slowly, holding him close as I moved to pick up Sven.

Such a look of outrage on his face. Those indignant blue eyes, that flushed red face, it had me scrambling to free a breast and settle him against it. His latch was strong, the lactation consultant congratulated me, but I wasn't feeling so grateful about it right now. It felt like he was pulling the marrow from my bones with every suck.

"Here you go," Koda cooed to Kai, our son starting to get fractious. "Here you go. Mum's got you."

I did. Nothing in the world prepared me for twins, the parenting books useless in this regard. It took me weeks to realise I needed to feed my babies simultaneously or be resigned to being awake twenty-four seven for round the clock feedings. My back pressed against the chair as I felt the rush of let down. It was the weirdest damn sensation when it first happened, but now… Now I was too tired to react. My head fell back against the chair, the upholstery so soft. I could just close my eyes, couldn't I? Just for a moment as the kids filled their tiny tummies. Just…

"Hey."

My eyes flicked open, red, raw, and burning to find Koda standing there. No, worse. He'd moved in to support Sven who'd dropped down in my arms. His little face was about to screw up because he'd lost contact with my nipple, those frantic little pants making my heart race.

"Oh my god…" I hissed, not daring to give full voice to the fear rocketing through me. "Oh my god, I nearly?—"

"Did the best you can." Koda's voice was firm and allowed for no argument as he re-situated the feeding pillows. Sven's body was now supported better and so was Kai's.

"No, Koda…"

His eyes found mine, and even in the gloom I saw it, the silent concern. It was judge, jury, and executioner in my eyes. He was watching me closely, seeing all the ways I was fucking things up, but I was so damn tired. I was just so tired, and I?—

"I think we need to look at a pumping and feeding schedule," he said.

If the children's cries cut into me, his words went far deeper. My bottom lip quivered and no amount of self-control could make it stop. Probably because I was all out. I was running on empty in every respect, and yet there was no relief to be found. I couldn't sleep, couldn't rest, couldn't?—

"No," I said, just as firmly. "No. They're my babies and I'll feed them."

Because for time immemorial that's what women did, right? They fed singletons and twin babies in fields or caves, in draft cottages, and here I was, in a climate-controlled, very nice place in the middle of a city, with a purpose-built twin feeding pillow wrapped around my body. I had every help, every advantage, the least I could do was just do this.

"You need to sleep," I continued.

"Nat—"

"You're up in…" My heart sank when I saw the glow of the alarm clock's face. "In three hours. You've got that big job at the national library."

"We finished that a week ago," he said in a quiet voice.

"Well, whatever job you've got on, you need to have had enough sleep to be safe on the work site." My voice started to waver. "I can't have anything happen to you." I stared past him to the bed. "To any of you. Go, sleep."

I knew exactly how badly lack of sleep could affect tradespeople. Sleep deprivation was akin to being drunk after a certain point, your reaction time and focus shattered. They couldn't safely wield power tools or do their job, and other firms would sweep in and start taking the company's work from them. We needed to stay competitive, stay on people's lips when they thought about restoration work.

But if sleep deprivation was that bad for you, what did that mean for me?

I'd spent so long wanting to have children, and now…? Now I wondered at the insanity of it. I couldn't do this, I told myself, over and over as the babies fed, even though every day proved me otherwise. Couldn't infer there was some sort of choice in the matter, whereas I had to cope. I had to collect up my children when they were done feeding, at the same time for once. I had to hold them close, smell that special scent that only my kids seemed to have. I had to feel their tiny little bodies pressed against mine and know with my entire heart that I would do anything, literally anything, to protect them. If that meant going without sleep for a bit, then that's what I'd do.

Calm returned.

Burp the babies, change their nappies, get them snuggled back into the wraps they slept in, because it was the only thing that stopped their arms from waving around wildly, and then settle them back down.

Oh, and love them. With my whole heart, I gazed down at the two of them, nestled in against each other in the crib. In the womb, in the world, they were tied tightly by a bond I didn't understand, but I'd make sure they could enjoy it. Safe, secure, warm, and with full bellies, their little eyelashes fluttered against their cheeks as their eyes closed. I hushed and hushed them–the sound apparently like the sound of my heart, the nurse had informed me–over and over until they finally dropped off to sleep.