Epilogue I

EPILOGUE I

ANNA

“I wanna take you on a date,” Domhnall says from beside me in bed.

We’re in a luxury uptown suite at the Ritz downtown, two days since I got back in town. We’ve spent most of it in bed. Well, we have visited the large, multi-headed shower a couple times, but still.

It’s a far cry from the tiny studio I’ve been living in back in Chicago. I know I have money now, but I’ve been anxious not to waste it. Especially when I want to do important things, like give it to people who really need it. I bought Ria and her mom a house on the outskirts of Chicago. They were so kind to me when I first got there, even though they barely had enough space for the two of them and Ria’s new little baby.

Then I made a donation to the Dallas shelter that housed me after my hospital stay when I had amnesia, so they could buy a new building. Ria said I needed to be careful or I’d be poor again in no time. I just laughed. I wasn’t afraid of being poor anymore. Not since now I knew there’s not a monster out there chasing me.

I look over at Domhn. “A date?”

He nods, reaching over to push my hair behind my ears. I melt a little inside.

“We never really got to do that. Either time we knew each other.”

I melt more. And… putting a table between us could give us a chance to talk without falling into bed every three seconds. If I’m honest, I know there’ve been some conversations I’ve been avoiding. Like, uh, the big one.

I’m still… not well.

Dr. Kim has tried to help me rethink what sick and healthy and normal and crazy mean. We’ve tried to deconstruct a lot of things. A big part of me was afraid to come back here. It’s part of why I put it off for a whole year and even then, I wasn’t sure if I was ready. But when is ready ? I wasn’t ever going to be quote-unquote normal . I knew that even before I left.

Dr. Kim thought I was strong enough to come back for a visit .

But I knew all along there was no just “visiting” Donny.

I grin at him with the uncontained joy that bursts inside my chests like mini-fireworks any time I’m around him. “I’d love to go on a date.”

I tackle him back to the bed and it takes us another hour to actually get out the door.

Of course Domhnall takes me to an absurdly expensive restaurant downtown.

“I feel like everyone’s watching us,” I whisper as we walk in.

So he says something in to the immaculately-groomed ma?tre d's ear who’s seating us, and we’re taken to a private little booth in the back. Domhnall’s always so thoughtful.

We’re holding hands and I squeeze his. He flashes those devastating blue eyes down at me and I die a little inside like always. Can this man really be mine?

I freeze up a bit. Last year I told Dr. Ezra and Professor Roberts they could tell him some of what was going on, but I always told them to downplay it.

Today, though, I really want to talk to him about it. I need to talk to him. If we’re really going to have a future together, he needs to know what… what that might mean.

I suck in a deep breath as we’re seated.

“You look beautiful,” Domhn says as I pick up my menu .

“Stop it,” I say, heat in my cheeks.

“Never.”

“I’m literally wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Why didn’t you tell me how fancy this place was before we left?” As we walked through the restaurant to this little alcove, everyone was wearing fancy dresses and suitcoats. I’m pretty sure there’s a dress code to get in and I’m breaking it.

“You look perfect.”

I roll my eyes with an unamused huff. “I’m so far from perfect it isn’t even funny.”

“You’re perfect for me.”

I roll my eyes harder .

But Domhn won’t let up. “I mean it. You’re perfect just as you are. You’re the perfect you .”

Will he think the same thing in ten minutes after I tell him everything?

“Donny, look, it’s been so good being back with you, but we haven’t really talked?—”

“May I interest you in the house cabernet?” interrupts the waiter, holding out a bottle in front of Domhnall’s face.

Domhnall waves it away. “We’ll have a bottle of Chateau Lafite. The burrata for an appetizer and the Chilean Sea Bass for dinner.”

The waiter nods and starts to walk away but I suck in a breath and speak up, “Actually, I’d like to try the lamb.”

Domhnall looks at me in surprise but nods when the waiter looks to him. “Of course. Whatever the lady wants. One sea bass and one lamb.”

After the waiter leaves, Domhnall reaches over the tabletop for my hand and I extend it, smiling when our fingers intertwine.

“I apologize if I overstepped. You just always used to like it when I ordered for you so you didn’t have to decide.”

“I know, I know,” I quickly reassure him. “I wasn’t offended. I’m just trying lately to…” I look around the elegant restaurant with all it’s gold accents against sleek black. “To figure out what I like. Apparently it’s important. I always used to order fish but that’s just because that’s what the people around me ate. Maybe it’ll turn out that I love lamb, ya know, if I really give it a try?”

Domhn nods in support. “I want to know everything about you, Anna. Even if you’re just figuring it out now. I want to be here with you as you’re discovering yourself.” Then he looks down at his lap. “I mean… if that’s something you’d want.”

“Of course that’s what I want!”

He looks back up at me, his smile shining in his eyes.

I pull my hand back from him. “But there are things you should know?—”

Naturally the waiter comes back right at that moment with the fucking bottle of wine, and he makes a painfully big fucking deal of popping the cork and then pouring each glass in this fancy fucking way that makes me want to punch him in the face.

“Yes, yes, we’ve got it,” Domhn says impatiently, snatching the bottle from him when he takes a long time of settling it in an ice bucket in the center of the table.

“Oh of course, sir!” the waiter says, shrinking back and then disappearing down a hallway.

“You didn’t have to scare the poor kid,” I murmur.

But Domhnall still looks impatient as he looks back to me. “I feel like you’ve been trying to tell me something all day and then that little fucker keeps intruding.” He shakes his head and then reaches for my hand again. “Please, I want to hear what you have to say. Whatever it is, I can take it. If you met someone else while you were away, it’s?—”

“Of course I didn’t meet someone. You think I would’ve spent the last two days in bed with you if I did?”

“I didn’t— I mean, I just?—"

I straighten in my chair and look at him flabbergasted. Then I just blurt it out: “I got a confirmed diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder. What they used to call multiple personalities.”

I stare down at the table, fingernail tracing a groove in the wood. “I’ve got one confirmed alter. It’s not that common to only have one, but I still fit the diagnosis. Dr. Kim is trying to get her to pick a name, but right now she’s stubbornly insisting on going only by her pronouns, she/her. You haven’t met her yet, but it’s only a matter of time before you do. ”

I sigh. At least she hasn’t come out before I’ve really told him about her. Thank god for small mercies. “I tend to switch a lot at night, and sometimes during therapy sessions.”

Domhnall just stares at me a long moment before slowly nodding and swallowing.

I’m startled when plates are suddenly set down on the table in front of us.

“Here we have a burrata with heirloom tomatoes!” the waiter announces cheerily, apparently undeterred by Domhnall’s bear-like treatment a few minutes ago. “It’s drizzled with premium olive oil and an aged balsamic. Enjoy!”

He does scramble away fairly quickly, but I’m left staring at Domhn, holding my breath as I wait for his reaction.

“Well, we always knew this was a possibility, right?” He blinks slowly like he’s trying to wrap his head around what I’ve just told him.

I want to cry. Oh god. Why did I think waiting to tell him until we were on our first date at this ridiculously fancy restaurant was the way to go? I mean, sure I didn’t know he was bringing me here . Still, I should have told him the first night at the hotel.

Or the second night. We talked a little then. But I just babbled on and on, about Chicago pizza, and Ria and her mom, and getting my first real job working as a library aid at the public library, and how modern libraries are more of a locus point of public services than strictly being about books these days and? —

I breathe out. “Well yeah, but I just sorta hoped she’d go away. It doesn’t look like that’s going to happen, though.”

I grab some of the bread that was set on the table with the wine and pull off a chunk. Then I use my fork to awkwardly cut off some of the gooey burrata and wrangle it onto my bread, then shove it into my mouth.

“Does that…” Domhn starts before cutting himself off. “I mean, is that, okay? If she’s still there inside? Is the therapy, like… I mean, are you still trying to get rid of her?”

I shake my head, mouth still stuffed full of bread and cheese. I lift my napkin to cover my mouth so he can’t see as I talk through the mouthful. “It’s fine.” I chew some more and swallow, then reach for my cup of wine to wash it down. I take too big a sip and almost choke, my face contorting at the strong wine.

“ Ugh .” I shudder. Why does fancy wine always taste so awful? I grab the glass of ice water to wash the taste of the wine out of my mouth. “Fuck, don’t tell me how expensive that god-awful wine is or I’ll cry.”

Domhn bursts out with a hearty laugh. Then he gets up and drags his heavy wooden chair around the table so he’s sitting beside me.

“What are you doing?” I look around, slightly scandalized. “This is a fancy place. You can’t just go around moving their furniture.”

“I can if it gets me closer to you.” He wraps an arm around my waist. “Tell me more. I want to know everything. And when can I arrange a meeting with her?”

“God, Domhn, you don’t want to meet her!”

“Why not? Does she not like me?”

I bite my bottom lip. “It’s um… complicated.” I know he needs to meet her. I don’t know why I’m putting it off.

He lifts an eyebrow. “Oh now I really want to know. Spill the tea, love.”

I huff out a breath and now my cheeks are heating for an entirely different reason. Fuck this is hard talking about to anyone besides my therapist. And most especially to Domhn.

But I finally try. “We’re both… me , deep down inside. So we both,” I look up and meet his gaze, that intensity that always burns between us roiling straight down to my tummy. “We both love you.”

Now both his eyebrows lift. “Really? How… does that work?”

I swallow. Fuck, why is my mouth so dry? I reach for my water glass and take another drink. “I mean, seriously, I’m not exactly sure how. Sometimes we share memories and sometimes we don’t. But c’mon, Domhn. There’s no part of me that wouldn’t love you. So of course she does.”

He frowns. “But it was… her who wanted you to leave last year, wasn’t it?”

“She knew we weren’t ready. She considers it her job to protect me. And maybe she was right.” I immediately see disagreement on his face so I barrel on. “I mean, I think we would’ve torn each other apart. This shit I’m dealing with in my head,” I tap the side of my temple, “it’s not always pretty or cut and dry. I think I needed that time in Chicago, healing and learning to stand on my own two feet.”

I reach out a hand to cup his face. “I love you, but I can’t find my wholeness in you. You can never be my other half. You can be my other whole. But each of us have to bear our own shit.”

His eyebrows scrunch together. “I fucking hate that. I want to carry everything for you.”

Tears crest in my eyes, because it has been a hard fucking year and there were so many times I wanted to throw in the towel and just be kitty with my owner carrying the difficult load again while I curled up with no cares in the world, oblivious.

But that can only be in play. Not my day to day.

“I worked fucking hard to be able to carry my own load.” The tear falls down my cheek. “Believe me, DBT therapy is some tough fucking shit.” But at least I finally proved to her that I can handle hard things. Well, she believes it a little more anyway.

Domhnall pulls me fiercely into his arms. “I fucking hate that you had to go through that,” he whispers in my ear.

I laugh into his chest. “You and her will get along fine. She’s just as protective as you. More, maybe.”

He pulls back from me, shaking his head. “Not possible.”

I smile. “I’ll let you two fight it out when you meet her.”

He frowns. “What about you? How do you feel about me meeting her?”

I sigh and reach for the bread again, pulling all the way away from him. “I talked it through with my therapist. A lot. And here’s the deal. This is a fucking complex situation, right? So it’s all about communication. If you want to take this on—if you want to take me on, then you get to join the communication train. We’ve all got to talk. A lot. And just remember, at my core, it’s always me . But she’s…” I roll my eyes. “Feistier. More stubborn.”

“More stubborn than you ?”

I smack him on the shoulder.

Then I grin at him and shake my head, because I know exactly what will happen when they do finally meet. Especially since she likes to come out at night. I nibble at the bread and give him a sly, alluring look. “And Jesus is she one kinky bitch.”