Chapter 8

eight

KASH

The week after they were home, Kash spent his time doing his best to be cognizant of his behavior, but it wasn’t easy. His mobility was frustrating, his pain was making it so he had next to zero tolerance for even the smallest setbacks, and even noise was starting to set him off.

It was the first time he snapped at Gage that he realized it was a problem. Gage had been screwing around with one of his school friends in the kitchen, and when he dropped a pot, Kash lost it.

“If you were paying attention instead of flirting, you wouldn’t be making such a damn mess!” The words left his lips before he could stop them, but the pain in Gage’s face shattered him from the inside out.

He didn’t apologize. He couldn’t find the words. He escaped the kitchen as fast as his body would allow and locked the bedroom door behind him.

Adele came home two hours later and immediately began knocking on his door. Burying his face in his pillow, Kash refused to move, and he was unsurprised when he eventually heard his friend picking the lock. The door creaked open, but Adele didn’t come in.

“I’ll make some calls,” Kash murmured into the fabric beneath his face.

Adele cleared his throat. “About?”

“I know you know what happened.”

He heard a soft sigh, then feet shuffling over the floor as he finally let himself into the room. Kash braced himself for Adele’s body to slide alongside his the way he always did whenever Kash was upset, but it didn’t happen. Instead, Adele stopped a few feet away.

Kash knew he deserved it. He hadn’t earned comfort when he’d been such an asshole.

“Gage is freaking out.”

Kash swallowed heavily, then turned to face his friend. “Like I said, I’ll make some calls and find a new place to go.”

“Stop being dramatic, and quit throwing a pity party for yourself. You fucked up.”

Kash spoke against a dry, aching throat. “Yeah.”

“You scared Gage and then refused to come out and talk to him about it.”

“I can’t…I can’t keep this up,” Kash said. He balled his hands into fists. They were mostly functional, so he dug his nails into his palms to feel the pain. It wasn’t good for him, he knew, but it was grounding. “I didn’t mean to snap at him.”

“Yeah,” Adele said, rolling his eyes. “He knows that.” He froze, then dropped to his knees beside the bed. “Do you think I’m here because you snapped at a noisy, careless teenager?”

Kash blinked at him. “He didn’t deserve it.”

“Probably not, but you know that’s not going to traumatize him, right?” Kash said nothing, and Adele groaned as he dropped down to his ass and twisted so his back was resting against the bed frame. “God, do you have any idea how many times I’ve snapped at him? Taken bad days at work out on him? Not enough that he needs therapy, but enough that he knows adults are flawed human beings who don’t always have total emotional control.”

Kash squeezed his eyes shut. “This is…hard. It’s hard. Everything feels like it’s so much, and I don’t know how to make it easier, and the last thing I want to do is hurt the people I love.”

Adele’s hand reached up and groped around until it found Kash’s hair. He began to pet him, chaotically and recklessly, and in spite of himself, Kash burst into laughter.

“Stop!”

Adele turned with a grin and rested his chin on the mattress. Just inches, and they’d be kissing. Kash shoved that thought away. He’d been shoving a lot of thoughts away since the hotel room, and he was starting to wonder if maybe that was also part of the problem.

He wanted Adele with every fiber of his being. But with every atom in his mind, he knew he wasn’t the man Adele had ever wanted back. It was one thing to cross those small lines in the sand between lovers and friends, but it was another to expect strolling off into the sunset of forever and happily ever after and all that other romance bullshit.

And he was afraid to ask because he was afraid Adele would lie and say he wanted Kash the same way to make him happy. He’d already seen what Adele’s life was like when he resigned himself to settling for someone, and he wasn’t going to trap him in that life.

“Can I please send him in here? He doesn’t want an apology, but I know it’ll make you feel better to give him one. ”

Kash sighed. “Okay.” It was the one thing he both did and didn’t want, but he knew it needed to be done. Forcing himself to sit up, he watched as Adele climbed to his feet. He looked back at Kash, a thousand questions on his face, but he kept quiet.

Eventually, Adele walked out, and a moment later, Gage appeared in the doorway. He had a sweater on with the sleeves pulled over his fingers, and he was hunched into himself. Kash had done that to him. He was responsible for fucking up the happy harmony of this home.

“Hey, kiddo. I’m so sor?—”

He didn’t get the chance to finish. Gage crossed the room, hopped on the bed, and immediately curled into him. “I didn’t mean to make things worse. You were having a bad day, and I was being so annoying. Please don’t leave, okay? I really don’t want you to go.”

Kash’s heart shattered, and he wrapped Gage in a hug, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “Oh, kiddo. You didn’t do anything wrong. It was all me.”

“No. It was me. I was being careless.”

Kash tightened his grip a little. Gage had always loved to be held very tight, and it seemed like that hadn’t changed because he hugged back like his life depended on it. “You are one of my favorite people in the whole world,” Kash told him. “And you’re allowed to be careless and happy in your own home. I’m just struggling, and that is not your fault.”

Gage looked up, his eyes red-rimmed. “I know. Dad hasn’t really told me anything about what’s happening, but I can see it. I know whatever this is hurts you. And I know it’s hard. I didn’t mean to make it worse.”

Kash shook his head and looked him directly in the eye. “This is not about you. I’m learning how to live with this new normal—whatever it is. And yeah, it’s painful sometimes. But I think mostly I’m afraid that it’ll never get easier.”

“I’d be scared too.” Gage sat up a little, pulling out of Kash’s embrace, but he didn’t move off the bed. Instead, he curled a leg toward his chest and hugged it, resting his cheek against his knee. He looked very young then—the face of the little boy Kash had known when life was still the way it was before all… this . When he still had hope. “I heard Dad telling Uncle Bowen that you feel really alone.”

Kash rolled his eyes up toward the ceiling. “Yeah.”

“But you have us.”

Kash chuckled and looked back at Gage. “I know I do. It’s a different kind of lonely. And I think it’ll get easier. I just need time to adjust.”

“Well, I can be better, okay? I’ll be quieter, and I’ll do more chores. I can do your laundry if you want! That’ll be good for me. Dad says it builds character.”

Kash snorted and shook Gage by the shoulder. “You have more than enough character for all of us. I don’t need you to do my laundry. I need you to understand that if I ever snap at you like that again, it’s not because of you. And feel free to tell me I’m being a terrible person if I do it.”

“That would be a lie, and my dad taught me not to lie.”

Kash lifted a brow.

“About important stuff,” Gage added with a smug grin. “I just, you know, forget sometimes.”

“Sure.” Kash grinned, but he knew his smile hadn’t reached his eyes. “I’m really sorry. I never want to hurt you.”

“Because I’m your favorite?”

Kash laughed. “Yeah.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell Dad. His ego’s pretty fragile right now.” Gage dropped his leg and slid his feet to the floor, twisting to stand. Before he got up, he flopped back down and curled into Kash again. “I’m glad you’re home.”

Home . The word hit hard, and for the first time, it felt real.

“Me too. And tell your dad he can relax now. As long as you forgive me?—”

“I forgive you,” Gage interrupted quickly. “I wasn’t even mad. I was scared you were going to leave.”

Kash bit his lip, then shook his head. “I’m not leaving either of you. I promise.”

Gage looked like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. “Can I tell Dad the only thing that’ll make us feel better is Chinese? I want string bean chicken so bad I would literally sell my soul for it.”

Kash grinned. “Yeah. Tell him to get extra egg rolls with spicy chili oil.”

“Oh, hell yes.” Gage jumped up and hurtled out the door, and Kash settled back against the pillows. He looked down at his toes, which were curled downward, and noticed that his calves were shaking. He hadn’t realized.

Had Gage distracted him that much, or was he getting used to it?

He wasn’t entirely sure any of it really mattered. What mattered was the reality checks he was being given left and right. He had to figure this out—he had to keep living.

Not just surviving.

Kash was pretty sure he had himself sorted out after the incident with Gage. His mood was better, and his body was being kinder. He was able to move around freely, and while he still wasn’t comfortable looking for a job since he was waiting on his final test results, he could help around the house. He ignored Adele’s protests when he started laundry or cooked dinners, and he even managed a couple of game nights with Gage and Lucas—though he couldn’t even begin to understand Dungeons & Dragons, he still had fun.

And then things turned upside down.

Literally.

Normally he had some kind of warning before his legs gave out on him, but apparently, that wasn’t always going to be the case. He’d been having a decent Tuesday, doing yard work and a deep clean of the kitchen cabinets while Adele worked on his taxes. He was filthy after weeding, so he opted for a quick shower before starting dinner, and that’s when it all went wrong. Between one breath and the next, he found himself lying on the floor of the bathtub with an aching head and water spraying in his face.

The bathroom door flew open a second later, and Kash wanted to die of humiliation as Adele shoved his head past the curtain and stared down at him.

“How many fingers am I?—”

“I’m not concussed,” Kash attempted to say with water pouring into his mouth. He turned his face to the side. “Fuck! Help me up, will you?”

Adele’s fingers dug into his biceps as he hauled Kash into a sitting position, pulling him away from the spray. He still had soap in his hair and a fluffy bit of lather on his dick from where he’d been scrubbing at his pubes.

He was so mortified he was pretty sure he was never going to recover.

“Did you fall off the chair?” Adele asked.

Kash groaned and let his head drop against the tiles. “I was standing. And before you make that face,” he said, because he knew Adele was glaring at him now, “I was feeling fine. I didn’t have any damn warning.”

Adele sighed, the sound barely audible over the water. Then, he pulled back and left Kash to his mortification. Or so he assumed. But he was wrong on that count because a second later, the curtain slid to the side, and Adele stepped in wearing only his boxers.

Fuck his life. Fuck it entirely.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going to finish washing you.”

“The hell you are,” Kash said, shoving him back when Adele attempted to lift him from the floor. “You’re going to slip and knock yourself unconscious.”

“Doubtful. My head’s way harder than yours, so if you survived, I’m good.” Adele tugged at him again, but Kash attempted to kick his feet out from under him. “Stop it. You’re being a child.”

“You’re being a child!” Kash fired back.

Adele leaned his elbow against the wall and looked down at him. “Why are you fighting me?”

“Because this is fucking embarrassing, Adele. Jesus Christ, I did not expect to be picked up off the shower floor until I was at least eighty-nine.”

Adele’s face fell a little, and he slid to the floor, blocking most of the spray, leaving Kash cold and soapy. “Is this more embarrassing than the night we got your cousins to buy us sake?”

Oh God, he hadn’t thought about that in years. They’d just turned sixteen, and his older cousin had come home on leave while being stationed in Japan. He’d been going on and on about how good the food and alcohol were there, so Kash and Adele convinced him to buy a couple of bottles of sake from the corner store .

They’d promised only to have a single serving each, but then Carson and Colt had wandered off, so he and Adele stole one of the bottles. They hid under the back deck and took the whole thing down in under four minutes. Kash had never been so sick in his life. He had a vague memory of Adele holding his head up for him while he threw his guts up into the toilet and an even foggier memory of Adele attempting to wash his hair in the sink after Kash had gotten sick all over him.

He remembered waking up, mouth tasting like something had died in the back of his throat, a bruise on his ass he couldn’t remember getting, and the strange feeling like he was missing something.

Unfortunately, Adele’s memory was worse than his, but he remembered the getting sick part. And Kash trying to get a block of cheese out of the fridge, falling, and breaking several shelves. Kash found out that morning that memory was true after his mom went in for her morning coffee and started screaming about the mess.

Kash had never been so grounded in his life.

It was the best and worst moment of his teen years.

“This is not the same thing,” Kash finally said, “and you know it. If this was a sake night, you might have an argument, but I’m stone sober and angry that my legs won’t even work long enough for me to wash my goddamn balls.”

“I get it,” Adele said softly. “But drunk or sober, I’m always going to be here to help, so you need to get your head out of your ass and accept that.” Adele rose up again, offering his hands, and this time, Kash didn’t fight him.

He stood on shaking legs and let Adele take his weight until he could sit on the bench. When he was stable, Adele took the sprayer down and cupped Kash’s chin, tilting his head back. All of Kash’s breath fled his chest as water began to rinse the remaining soap from his hair.

He kept his eyes shut. If he opened them, he knew Adele would be able to read the longing in them.

“Almost done,” Adele said softly.

Kash hummed, not trusting his tongue to not betray him. Instead, he leaned into the touch, letting his body fall forward so Adele could get the bubbles off his back. A warm hand brushed over him, and Kash felt his cock twitch.

Don’t , he begged his body. But it was impossible to ignore how good it felt to be touched like this. Adele’s fingers teased the top of his ass, and before he could stop himself, Kash groaned.

There was a beat of absolute stillness, and then Adele dropped down to his knees in front of the bench and forced Kash to meet his gaze. Their eyes locked, and then the moment shattered when Adele glanced down to see that Kash was hard.

Fuck .

Adele bit his lip. He was gripping the shower handle so tightly his knuckles were yellow-white, and his hand was trembling.

Kash was going to fuck this all up if he chose the next few moments wrong, but he had no idea what was right anymore. He was feeling greedy and horny and desperate, and all he wanted was for Adele to touch him the way he had in the hotel room. And he knew that wasn’t fair.

Adele’s free hand grazed his knee. His fingers crept higher, ghosting the inside of his thigh, making his muscles twitch. He fought off another moan, but it was difficult when he was being teased with the one thing he wanted more than anything.

Adele was watching him, staring at him like he was trying to read him. Kash knew he should say no. There was no reason in the world to say yes. His hands were fine, and he’d finally been able to stop thinking about Adele touching him…

Until Adele had stepped inside the shower.

And now here they were, and he was weak.

“Close your eyes,” Adele said. “You can pretend I’m anyone you want. Just say yes.”

Kash opened his mouth to tell him no, but then Adele’s fingers touched his balls. It was a quick rub, but it shattered his resolve entirely, and his hands gripped the top of Adele’s shoulders, fingers digging into his skin. “Yes.”

Kash shuddered as Adele’s hand closed over him and began to stroke—an almost painfully slow motion from root to tip. “Please,” Kash whispered, his voice rough and ragged. “Please, please . Faster. Harder.”

Adele quickly obeyed. His hand sped up, and behind his lids, Kash’s vision went white. He went from zero to a hundred between one breath and the next, and all he wanted to do was lift his head and kiss the man kneeling in front of him. But he wouldn’t. Couldn’t.

Adele’s head was turned away, which meant he didn’t want Kash to look at him. His heart added another crack to the already spiderwebbed mess it had become, but in that moment, what did a little more pain matter in the face of this pleasure?

His face began to heat with his impending orgasm, and in spite of his stiff legs, his hips began to push forward.

“Yeah. Take it,” Adele murmured.

White-hot pleasure rushed through Kash at those words. Adele’s name tumbled off the edge of his tongue as he let go, coming in hot spurts all over his best friend’s knuckles. The water immediately began to wash away the evidence of what had happened, but it couldn’t erase the man crouched in front of him who had given that to him.

And it didn’t stop Kash from a moment of sudden emotional weakness. He dropped his face into the crook of Adele’s neck and nuzzled there, breathing him in until he knew he was too close to the line he was trying not to cross.

He was afraid to look up suddenly, but he was also afraid not to.

He cracked open his eyes to find Adele’s face entirely unreadable. He didn’t look angry though, that much was obvious. Maybe he felt a little sad. And there might be some regret hidden in the earth-brown irises, but there was no hate. And no regret.

“Sor—”

Adele pressed his finger to Kash’s lips and held it there. “Don’t. Not now. Not for this.”

Kash nodded, then eased back, and Adele finished washing him up before turning off the water. His boxers were dripping and tented from his own erection, but Kash was pretty sure Adele would turn him down if he offered to return the favor. And that was a rejection he didn’t feel strong enough to take.

So he sat there soggy and a little hollow as Adele stepped out, wrapped a towel around his own waist, then held his hands out for Kash.

It took some clever maneuvering to get him out of the shower without slipping on the tiles, but soon enough, he was dry and sliding into his sweats. Adele hadn’t left his side, but neither of them had been brave enough to speak a word.

How long would this go on? How many times would Adele put up with this before he got tired of it? Not just the jerking off, but all of it. The caregiving. The worrying. The hovering.

At some point, he’d have to go back to living his life the way it was before Kash came. Adele needed to fall in love with someone—truly and completely in love. When that happened, he’d be able to let go, and Kash could finally say goodbye to the fantasy and start to live his reality.

It wouldn’t be the best, but he’d get to keep his friend, and that was all that mattered in the end.