Chapter 7

seven

ADELE

Nothing and everything had changed. Adele woke at dawn with a heavy weight on his chest, and it took him until he peeled his eyes open to realize it was Kash. His best friend had rolled over on top of him, his hand still curled into a fist, resting on top of Adele’s pec where his heart was beating the slow, sluggish rhythm of the early morning.

He swallowed heavily and fought the urge to kiss him. Instead, he carefully rolled Kash to the side, then slipped from the covers and made his way to the bathroom. His body ached with the force he’d used to hold back the strength of his orgasm. He had come—it wasn’t something he could have helped even if he’d wanted to.

But he’d done it untouched, his cock rocking against the sheets until it spilled beneath him. He hadn’t done that since he was a hormonal teenager, and it felt…strange. Not good or bad, but very different.

Emptying his bladder, he tried to run from the feeling in his chest, but he couldn’t. He washed his hands, then pressed his fingers to his cheeks and tugged downward, staring at the red line of his lower eyelid.

He looked old. Haggard. Grey.

He felt unloved, even though he knew that was the furthest thing from the truth. But in some respect, it was also the most honest thing about him because he was loved, but not in the way he wanted. He’d thought about trying to date—to give his heart to someone else, knowing that Kash would never be his—but he couldn’t close his eyes and envision his twilight years with anyone else.

Even with his ex, it had never been her. Not really. And there was a damn good chance she’d always known that.

But he hadn’t realized her exit strategy was going to tear him to shreds.

Adele wasn’t going to make that mistake again though. It was Kash or no one, and he could easily live with either one of those realities. He’d been alone for so long now he knew he could be comfortable that way for the rest of his life, but he would leap at the opportunity to be with Kash if the man even so much as hinted he was interested.

He didn’t think there was a lot of hope for option B though. So he’d take what he could get.

He stared down at his hands—at the fingers that had been wrapped around Kash’s dick—and he felt the echo of his shaft against his palm. If he walked to the bed right now and tugged down the sheets, he’d probably see his limp cock lying between the slit of his boxers. Fuck, he wanted to taste it.

His mouth watered, and he shook his head.

Last night didn’t mean anything. It was no strings. He’d promised that much. But God, he’d give at least one limb to be able to have it again.

He also knew that Kash had liked it. Kash hadn’t pretended he was someone else. He’d come with Adele’s name whispered like a prayer on his full, gorgeous lips. He’d leaned into him. Held him. Asked him to stay.

Maybe he was a fool, but he was starting to wonder if the missing link between friendship and love was showing Kash that Adele could be good to him. And good for him. That he could make the rest of their lives so obscenely happy both of them would forget what it was like before they were together.

“He could also hate you for trying,” Adele whispered to himself in the mirror. But he knew that look in his eye. That feeling in his chest.

He was too far down the rabbit hole.

Fuck it. He was going to woo this man into goddamn oblivion, and he wouldn’t stop until Kash either fell head over heels for him right back or told him it was over. He wouldn’t accept an in-between.

It was now or never.

All or nothing.

Grabbing his shirt, he slipped it over his head. It was a little damp from Kash’s leftover shower water the night before, but he didn’t mind. Padding out of the bathroom, he could hear Kash snoring gently, so he picked up his sweats, then toed on his shoes and grabbed his wallet.

Wooing would start with breakfast in bed. Then doing anything Kash wanted until his appointment. They could go look at cherry blossoms or tulip blooms, then eat good food. They could stay in and watch terrible cooking shows on hotel TV. They could order in or go out or ride the metro up and down the city and people-watch until neither of them could stand to be around strangers ever again.

It didn’t matter. He didn’t care so long as Kash was happy .

Adele would do everything in his power to make the day both easy and comfortable and show Kash that he was up for this, and not just for now, but for the rest of their lives.

He smiled to himself in the elevator and then in the lobby, where the doorman gave him a quirked brow and a head-nod. Adele stepped into the streets, hugging his middle because it was colder than he expected it to be, but a walk would quickly change that.

He picked up his pace, heading toward the little bakery a couple of blocks from the hotel, and just as he was crossing the street, he pulled his phone out of his pocket. The first name in his recent call list was Dallas, but there was only one person he knew who could truly help him with this.

Bowen’s line rang for so long Adele started to wonder if it was a mistake calling so early. Then he picked up. “Aren’t you on vacation?”

Adele sighed. “I’m with Kash while he sees a couple of specialists. There’s no vacation happening here.”

“Oh, shit. That’s…okay. Is he alright?”

“Yeah.” Adele was grateful he could say that with honesty. “They’re still trying to figure things out, but right now, it’s not life-threatening.” Adele was still trying to process the fact that for a short while—for several weeks, actually—Kash thought it had been terminal. And he’d been facing that alone.

“Good. So…everything’s okay, then? I saw Gage last night, and he seemed good.”

“Yeah, no.” Adele came to a stop in front of the bakery and shoved his fingers into his hair. “I…there’s this thing. This issue. I’m…it… ”

“Adele.”

“I’m in love with Kash.”

Bowen met him with silence, but before Adele could panic, he asked, “Wait, is that the revelation?”

Adele groaned. “I know I’m obvious. I know I’ve been obvious to everyone. Probably even Kash, which is why he’s been weird with me?—”

“He definitely doesn’t know. He’s worse than you,” Bowen said quietly. “What is this about though?”

We had sex. Ish. A sex thing, and I want to make it permanent. I want it to be a forever sex thing . But he couldn’t say that to his brother, so he went in another direction. “I know the risks of getting into a relationship with my best friend. I know what’s on the line and what I could lose. But I love him. I have always loved him. So, I think I’m ready to take the leap.”

“And he’s not on board?”

“He, uh…well, he still doesn’t know,” Adele said. “And I’m about seventy percent sure the reason he and I have never been a couple is because he doesn’t love me ba?—”

“I’m gonna stop you right there. That man is ass-wild in love with you.”

Adele grimaced. “Is that even a word?”

“It is now. And that’s not the point, dickhead. Kash has been in love with you since I can remember. Before you knew you liked to put your mouth on another guy’s mouth.”

Adele flushed. “ Oh .”

“I think for a long time, he didn’t realize he had a shot with you. Then you came out to him, but right after that, you got married. Then he moved, and it all went to hell.”

Adele glanced to his right and saw a wrought iron chair and immediately collapsed into it. He pressed his elbow to his knee and dropped his face into his hand. “Shit. I can’t keep living like this.”

“But let me guess? You don’t want to talk to him about it.”

“That has never worked with either of us.”

“That is the most ridiculous thing you have ever said, but…fine. Do you have a plan, or are you going to keep pining and praying?”

Pining and praying did sound like a lot less work, but he meant what he’d said to himself in the bathroom. He was done living this life. Unless Kash nailed that coffin shut, he was going to make this work.

“I want to woo him.”

“You are a fucking grandpa.”

“Yeah, and that’s part of my charm,” Adele shot back.

Bowen laughed. “I guess. But okay, fine. You want to woo him. Why are you calling me about this?”

“Because I need help. You have a history of having people with no business falling for you trip head over heels.”

“Thank you?” Bowen said, sounding like he didn’t know if he should be insulted or not.

Adele groaned, pressing a hand over his face. “I only mean I don’t know how to navigate this. I don’t want to go too far, but it’s Kash. I don’t think sitting him down and saying, ‘Hey, I want to bone until death do us part’ is going to work.”

Bowen snorted. “Yeah, no. I think you’re right. You two are way too alike.”

Adele grimaced, but Bowen was right. If Kash said that to him, he wouldn’t have believed him. And that was the core of the problem .

“How do I make him know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s the one for me?”

“Let me think on it,” Bowen said. “And you should too. Use this time to be with him and pay attention to him. Not just the things you want to see but the things he’s showing you. You know him better than anyone. I’ll help you, but you’ll probably know how to navigate this better than me.”

That was also true, but he felt like he was in too deep to do this alone. “Do you think I have a shot? Like, really, really have a shot?”

Bowen was quiet for a beat, then said, “I think if you have a shot at a happily ever after, it’s going to be with him.” Adele breathed a little easier until Bowen added, “Don’t worry. We’ll get you your man.”

“Never say that again,” Adele said.

“Love you!”

The line went dead, and Adele allowed himself exactly two minutes and thirty seconds of wallowing before he was up on his feet and starting operation make Kash love him forever.

Kash seemed on edge until he realized that Adele wasn’t going to make it weird between them or try to make the whole thing last night something they promised each other it wouldn’t be. Adele wasn’t going to give up on his plans, but he would give Kash the emotional reprieve he was clearly craving. It was the least he could do, considering what they were in the city for.

Kash appreciated the breakfast, and the two of them settled in bed together to watch crappy TV until it was time to get ready for the next specialist, which was about a forty-five-minute metro ride from the hotel.

It also didn’t help that it was a busy weekday, and Adele only managed to find a single seat on the first leg of the trip so Kash didn’t collapse. But they got to the office in one piece, and Adele was back in the waiting room once more as he waited for his friend to get tested and to gather as much information as he could about how to live his life with this new disorder.

The appointment went much like the first. Kash was seen, tested, told he wasn’t dying, encouraged to look into mobility devices to help him with his struggling, and then he was sent on his way. Adele suggested lunch in Chinatown since it was close and found a little nondescript dim sum restaurant next to a hotel with a big neon sign.

They stayed hunkered down at one of the back tables, talking quietly and basking in each other’s company.

“I don’t remember the last time we did this,” Kash said. His hands were still too stiff to work chopsticks, so he was holding a fork in his fist and pushing a piece of har gow around his plate. “Seriously, when was the last time we had time to ourselves like this without responsibilities looming over us?”

Adele couldn’t remember. “Ten years ago? Gage was really little then. Bowen was out here visiting, so he babysat. It was…”

“Your birthday,” Kash said softly, smiling.

Kash was right. It had been his birthday. They went to the beach and got drunk on pineapple-and-coconut-flavored rum, then rented a hotel room that overlooked the water. There had been a moment back then too…an almost. They stood on the terrace, the backs of their hands pressed together .

The veil between right and wrong was so thin then. Adele had thought, I could lean over and kiss him right now . Because that was the one thing they’d never done. They’d touched. They’d come together. They’d wrapped around each other and slept the night away in each other’s arms.

But they’d never kissed.

That would change everything.

He didn’t do it. He’d found the courage in one breath and lost it in the next. And then the moment was gone.

He was pretty sure Kash had felt it then too. There was something in his eyes that he hadn’t been able to read, but he’d never seen that look before. It was gone before he had the chance to study it—to know it. Kash had turned away with a smile and walked back into the room, and Adele followed.

They watched cooking shows until they passed out, and Adele woke up the next morning with his ear pressed to Kash’s heart. The thud thud thud comforted him. Just like always.

He felt at home then.

And it had all shattered two days later when Kash boarded a plane, and Adele didn’t see him again for five years. The next visit had been different. Adele was still single, but he had a strange feeling Kash was seeing someone.

They hadn’t touched as much. No moments on balconies, no drinks, no soft smiles, no whispered secrets. It was different, and Adele swore he was losing him.

But maybe he was wrong because here he was now, and the years of separation between them were slowly melting into the past.

“I hated being gone for so long,” Kash murmured. “But I don’t think it would have changed anything. ”

“Not even the accident?”

Kash shrugged, glancing away. He dropped his fork, and Adele couldn’t tell if it was on accident or if his hands were giving up on him. “I feel like whatever this is was waiting for a trigger. Maybe it was that incident, but it could have been anything. Knocking my head on a cupboard, catching a nasty virus, a car accident. I think I’m on my path. My path just sucks.”

Adele’s heart ached, but he knew saying that aloud wouldn’t help anything. “Well…you’re here now. That part’s not so bad, is it?”

Kash looked up at him and smiled. “No. That part is pretty great.”

Adele paid the bill, then offered Kash an arm up. They weren’t too far from the hotel, but the trek was long. Kash’s legs were already protesting every step, and it took everything in Adele not to offer to carry him the rest of the way back.

They stopped at most benches, and Adele pretended not to see the anger in Kash’s eyes every time his feet failed to carry him forward. He stood by patiently, letting him set the pace, and within an hour, they were back in the hotel room.

Kash was on the bed with his orthotics off, legs starfished, and Adele knelt on the edge of the mattress.

“Let me?—”

“Don’t.”

Adele closed his eyes, took a breath, then repeated himself. “Let me help.”

“There’s nothing you can do,” Kash said. His tone was angry, but more than that, it was full of hurt. “You can’t fix this.”

“No. But I can give you a little relief. Please.”

“Why? To make yourself feel better about seeing me this way?” Kash asked. Adele winced at the dig because that had never and would never be true. Kash seemed to realize his mistake because he deflated almost instantly. He pressed his fists to his eyes and growled. “Fuck. This is so hard.”

“I know.” Adele kept his tone even, soft, and careful. Shifting over, Adele gently touched Kash’s knee. “I know.”

“I don’t mean to be this way.”

With a soft laugh, Adele shook his head and leaned over to pull Kash’s hands from his face. “Sure you do. This is fucked-up. It’s all fucked-up. You’re in pain, and you can’t move the way you used to. You still don’t have answers except that you’re probably not dying, and all of it is outside of your control. You can be angry.”

“And mean?”

“If you want. I can take it.”

Kash swallowed thickly. “You’re the last person in the world I want to hurt. You know that, right?”

Adele’s smile widened. “Yeah. I know. But I’m also probably one of the few people who can shoulder that burden. If you need a punching bag?—”

“Then I’m sure you know where I can buy one,” Kash said stiffly. “Please don’t let me get away with this.”

Adele didn’t know what to say. On one hand, he understood that Kash was right. On the other, he knew he’d tear himself into tiny, flayed pieces if it meant giving Kash a moment of relief from everything he was feeling.

“Let me rub your calves. I’ll use the tea tree oil.”

Kash bit his lip, then let out a heavy sigh and nodded. “Yeah. Okay.”

Adele felt a surge of triumph. This wasn’t officially part of his plan to woo Kash beyond all sense of reason, but he was taking it as an unexpected opportunity to plant seeds. That this life—all of this—could be theirs if Kash would let him in.

Digging the oil out of his bag, Adele helped Kash move to the head of the bed, then peeled away his socks and set his feet in his lap. Kash shifted uncomfortably, and Adele understood it must be hell on earth to feel so vulnerable.

But Kash was strong, and Adele would be there to remind him of that and to hold him up on days he couldn’t be.

“Tell me if it hurts,” Adele said, starting with his right leg.

Kash scoffed. “It always hurts.”

“Then tell me when it’s unbearable, you contrary little fuck.”

Kash was silent, then burst into laughter. “Wow.”

“Am I lying?”

“No, but…” Kash pushed up on his elbows, his eyes shining. “Somehow, you find ways to make all this crap feel…normal. I don’t know how.”

“Because nothing’s really changed. Nothing we can’t get back. Right?”

Kash said nothing as he lay back down, but there was a softness in his body—an openness that hadn’t been there before. Adele wanted to press his body over his and kiss him, but that would come later.

Maybe.

Hopefully.

If he was a very, very lucky man.