Chapter 5

five

KASH

His will was finished. So that was one thing off his plate. It wasn’t like he had a lot to bequeath to anyone. He had no property, no car, a small savings, life insurance—but Adele had always been his beneficiary for that, so it wasn’t like it needed to change. He had some stocks, which he was giving to Gage for college, and some old books that Adele could keep or toss.

He was a small man who’d led a small life, and there was nothing to be done about that now.

Kash didn’t have answers yet, but he was also running out of faith that this problem was solvable. Or survivable. His doctor had booked his next round of testing at a specialist’s office in DC, which was going to be a long trip and would require a hotel stay. It would be several days in a row, and he wasn’t quite sure if he had the strength to do it alone.

But he also didn’t know if he could bring his best friend with him. He knew Adele would have figured out how to take the time off work if he’d asked, but Kash refused to be a burden for as long as it was possible. And it didn’t change the fact that he wasn’t ready for Adele to know how serious this thing might be.

If it was terminal, he’d tell him, but only when he had definitive answers. And if life was about to change drastically, he’d fight for what little independence he could keep for as long as he was allowed to keep it. It wasn’t ideal, of course, but it was a good plan.

He could do this, damn it. He could do this one last thing on his own.

And that was his plan…until Adele caught him packing.

“Leaving so soon?” His voice was tense—hurt. He saw pain in his eyes when Kash found the courage to look up at him.

“It’s only for a few days.”

“Do you need a ride, or?—”

“No, I’ve got it.” He was taking an Uber to the train and hoping his body would behave for the few days he was going to be there. DC had a metro system he could navigate, and every few hundred feet from the hotel he was staying at, there were restaurants and little supermarkets. So long as his body allowed him to walk on his own, he’d be fine.

Really. He would.

Adele swallowed heavily. “So. You’re visiting someone?”

Kash closed his eyes and tried to fight back a sigh. He knew Adele was hurt by his silence, but what else could he do? Telling him the truth would only lead to Adele worrying himself sick, and Kash didn’t have the strength to manage his friend’s fear and anxiety. His own was overwhelming enough as it was.

He hated lying. He hated it more than anything. But for the moment, it was saving his sanity.

“I’m not seeing anyone. I’m going to talk to a doctor. ”

Adele’s eyes widened. “So why can’t I?—”

“Because it’s none of your business!” he snapped. He regretted the words the second they tumbled out of his mouth, but the damage was done.

Adele reared back, then turned on his heel and stormed out. By the time Kash managed to climb to his feet, he could hear the front door slamming. Fuck, he hated his body. He hated that he couldn’t just get up and run after him anymore.

He hated that this problem—whatever the fuck it was—was ruining everything.

It wasn’t fair he couldn’t enjoy what little time he might have left with the only person he would ever love.

Swallowing heavily, Kash forced his stiff, trembling legs to move—one foot in front of the other until he was down the hall and at the door. He opened it, half expecting to find Adele’s car gone from the driveway, but it wasn’t. Adele was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the grass, smoking.

Kash made his way over, plopped down, then yanked the cigarette from his lips. He took a long drag before crushing it into the damp grass. “Really?”

Adele rolled his eyes. “Don’t you fucking dare lecture me right now.”

Bowing his head, Kash took a deep breath. His throat felt tight, and he wasn’t sure if it was from his illness or the grief in his chest that made him want to cry. “I love you.” I’m in love with you , but he’d never been brave enough to add those two extra words. “And I’m sorry.”

Adele leaned over and rested his temple against Kash’s shoulder. “Why are you shutting me out?”

“Because I’m scared.” The words were hard to get out. His tongue felt thick, and he could sense a panic attack coming on if he thought too hard about why. “And I’ve been doing shit for so long on my own, it’s hard to change things.”

Adele gently wrapped his arm around Kash’s waist. “Where’s the appointment?”

“DC.”

His head snapped up, and he gave Kash a dark look. “You were going to take a fucking Uber to DC?”

“I was going to take one to the train station. Then I was going to use the metro.”

“You’re going to walk around DC like this?” He gestured at Kash’s socked feet—at the way his toes were curled tightly and painfully.

Kash flinched. “I can manage it. My orthotics help.”

Adele rubbed the back of his neck. “Look, I’m not saying you can’t be independent, but get your fucking head out of your ass. I’ll sit in the goddamn lobby and sew my lips shut so I don’t ask you personal questions if that makes a difference, but you’re not going alone. I will not let you put yourself through more pain and suffering because you want to cling to your last bit of pride. It’s bullshit. And you know you’d do the same damn thing if the situation was reversed.”

Kash’s eyes got hot. Every word Adele spoke was the truth. If they’d swapped places, Kash would be so far up his ass Adele wouldn’t get the chance to even try something like this on his own.

He swallowed heavily, then nodded. “Okay.”

Adele looked a little stunned. “Okay? Just like that?”

Kash shrugged and met his gaze. “Yeah. Just like that. You’re right, and I was being a dipshit.” He bit his lip, then added, “You’ll have to take a bunch of days off work though. ”

“Yeah, like they don’t owe me half a damn year if I wanted one,” Adele said with a dark laugh. “I haven’t had a vacation since Gage was twelve.”

Kash blinked at him. “Are you serious?”

Adele shrugged. “He hated being away from home, and three-day weekends were always enough for us. I, uh…I know I should have come to see you more often?—”

“No,” Kash said quickly, reaching for Adele’s hand. His fingers were stiff, but he managed to give him a gentle squeeze. “That’s not what I meant. Of course, I would have loved to see you, but you spend too much time worrying about other people. What about you?”

“I’m fine,” Adele said, and Kash suspected that was one of the first lies he’d told since Kash got there.

Letting him go, Kash sighed. “Well, anyway, you need to make that up to Gage before he goes off to college. He deserves a little time away with his family.”

“We can. We can plan something this summer.”

We can. We. The word bounced around his head, but not in a good way.

Kash knew that if this was ALS, he’d be around for the summer. He’d be around for a few more summers. He just didn’t know how many or how long he’d be able to travel without round-the-clock care.

Fuck.

A few tears escaped, and he swiped them away before Adele noticed. The silence carried on for a long beat, and then Adele cleared his throat.

“I thought you were seeing someone.”

Kash blinked at him. “You…what?”

Adele looked a little regretful for his words, but he didn’t take them back. “I thought you’d met someone and you were going to see them. That’s why you were packing, and that’s why you didn’t want me to come along.”

Kash had no idea what to say. It took him a full thirty seconds to find any words. “You think I want to date when I’m like this?”

“There’s nothing wrong with you like this,” Adele said, and the fierce honesty in his voice was almost more painful than the lie Kash thought he was going to hear. “You deserve to be loved in whatever state your body exists. And I know that’s rich coming from me, who—apart from my potassium being a little low—is in good health and hasn’t dated since my divorce. But I mean it. I really fucking mean it. You deserve to be loved.”

Kash squeezed his eyes shut. “I’m not going to argue with you, but I’m also not dating. I don’t know that I ever will. That’s not even important to me right now.”

“I get it,” Adele said. “I was being an irrational asshole, I know.”

Kash let out a watery laugh. “Yeah, you were. But you’re my irrational asshole, right?”

“Always. I will always be yours,” Adele murmured.

It killed him not to hear those words the way he wanted. But this would have to be good enough. He took a breath, then sat up straighter. His toes were finally starting to unclench, and he dug his socks into the grass, not giving a shit about stains. “If you’re coming with, we have to leave Sunday. My first appointment is Monday. Is that enough time to get your shifts covered?”

“Let me make some calls. Ridge can cover some of them, and I know there are a few guys who’ve wanted extra hours. They’ll be sending you muffin baskets for the OT.”

Kash laughed again, then held out his hands, which were trembling from his rush of adrenaline. “Help me up? ”

Adele hopped to his feet, and Kash ignored the pulse of envy in his bones as both of Adele’s hands clasped over his and hauled him up. Kash immediately lost his balance, but Adele caught him against his chest.

“Hey.”

Kash looked up at him, ears burning. “Sorry.”

Adele shook his head. “No sorries. Not ever. Okay?”

Taking a breath, Kash straightened, then looked off into the distance. There were cars on the road. Someone was walking a dog. Someone was pushing a stroller. A couple was in their driveway talking. Someone was on the phone pacing in front of their mailbox. He had no idea how good or bad their lives were. Maybe one of them was dealing with the same fear he was. Maybe none of them were. It was Schrodinger’s box of health problems.

People were going about their lives with everything and nothing wrong.

So maybe he wasn’t special at all. Or maybe he was the most unique man in the universe. He doubted he’d ever get an answer.

“Okay?” Adele pressed again, clearly wanting a response.

“Whatever you say,” he finally answered and managed a smile.

Adele cradled his face and kissed him on the forehead. “Come on, you can help me pack. You always do a better job than I do.”

And that was true.

He did.

“No parties. ”

“Dad—”

“No unprotected sex. No booze. No drugs.”

“ Dad !”

“I have spies literally all over this neighborhood. Eyes everywhere. And I mean everywhere. There are no safe spaces this weekend.”

“I kind of want to make a prosthetic eyes joke right now,” Lucas muttered.

“Save it,” Adele said. “This goes for both of you. This place better be in better shape than the way I left it. And the two of you better not have a scratch on you.”

“Excuse me, sir, I can’t commit to that,” Lucas said, raising a hand like he was in school. “I fall a lot.”

Gage laughed, and Kash held his smile behind his hand so he could at least attempt solidarity with his best friend. It was wild watching him parent Gage like this, especially when he thought back to all the fuckery they got up to when they were kids.

The difference was Adele hadn’t come from a loving home. Not like this. Not even close. Kash had never wondered which way Adele was going to go, though, when it came to having a child. He remembered the look on his face the first time he held Gage in his arms. It was love at first sight, and Kash knew right then Adele was going to be the best dad on the planet. Gage would never know a single second of not being loved.

“I think they’ve earned your trust,” Kash said, cutting in.

“Thank you. Will you adopt me? I can’t take this oppression anymore,” Gage said, leaning into Kash’s arms.

Kash held him, trying not to think about how, just a few years ago, Gage wasn’t as tall as him. Or how eighteen years ago, he could hold him in the crook of his elbow and he barely reached the end of his fingers with his tiny little feet.

“Don’t toy with my emotions right now. This is a big deal,” Adele told him. “This is the first time you’ve been left home alone.” He looked honestly distressed, and Kash let go of Gage and reached for his hand.

“It’s going to be fine. Literally everyone is in town, and Gage is an adult?—”

“He’s a teenager.”

“We were doing way worse, way younger,” Kash reminded him. “He can handle a few days on his own.”

“I won’t even be late to school,” Gage said. “Okay? Can you please unclench?”

Adele pulled him close and kissed the top of his head. “Just be careful, okay? This is hard for me. I know I’ve been kind of a helicopter parent?—”

“Not even close. Trust me, I know the difference,” Lucas cut in. “But we promise to be on our very best behaviors. No drugs, no teen pregnancies. We won’t even burn anything down.”

Adele’s eyes narrowed, so Kash leaned over and grabbed his wrist. “We’re going to be late.”

Adele looked like he wanted to protest, but he eventually let Gage go and pulled Lucas in for a hug. “You’re the voice of reason. Use it.”

“It’s genuinely terrifying you think that,” Lucas said with a grin, but he hugged back. “Please have fun. Eat your weight in dim sum and try not to stress. Everything will be fine.”

Adele ruffled his hair, then seized both suitcases, leaving Kash to follow behind at his impossibly slow pace. He leaned heavily on his cane as he reached the front door, but before he could step out, Gage stopped him .

“Take care of him, yeah? He won’t let anyone else do it except you.”

Kash’s gaze dropped to his feet. “He will someday.”

Gage laughed as he rolled his eyes. “Yeah. Good one. Let us know how it goes, okay?”

Kash hugged him one last time, then stepped out and made his way to the car. Adele was already behind the wheel, and Kash knew it was because if he didn’t do this now, he never would. He’d never fully understand what it was like to lose a child to adulthood, but he could see the way it was playing out for his best friend.

“You good?” he asked, sliding into the passenger seat.

Adele sighed. “No, but yeah. I am. I know I need to cut the cord. It’s just…every time I leave him, even for an afternoon, I feel like shit.”

Kash frowned as Adele backed out of the driveway. “Why? It’s not like he’s home alone crying because he’s missing his dad.”

“Yeah, but he was that kid once.”

Kash opened his mouth, then closed it. “He doesn’t remember that, Addie. At all. He was barely a toddler, and he had me and Bowen with him. He wasn’t alone.”

Adele’s jaw tensed. “No. Maybe not, but what if you two hadn’t helped me pull my head out of my ass and I turned out like my dad? What kind of life would he have right now?”

“That was never going to happen. You were hurt, and you feel a lot. More than other people sometimes. You’ve spent your whole life trying to heal a wound on that kid that didn’t even scar. It’s okay to let go a little. He loves you more than most kids love their parents.”

Adele swallowed heavily, then nodded. “Yeah. Logically, I know. But irrationally…?” He trailed off with a laugh. “I need someone to tell me it gets easier.”

“It doesn’t,” Kash said. “But I’m willing to bet you learn to live with it when the day comes that he moves out.”

“I don’t like you.”

Kash rolled his eyes. “Yeah, you do.”

Adele laughed. “Shut up. But yeah, I do.”

They made it to DC right after six. Traffic was great until it wasn’t. They were at gridlock for what felt like a thousand years, and Kash felt like his muscles were trying to pry themselves off his body to escape the tourists lining up bumper to bumper.

“It’s the goddamn cherry trees,” Adele growled.

Kash hadn’t thought about that, but he’d seen a few lone trees along the drive blooming with their pale pink blossoms. They were pretty, but not put up with this kind of bullshit pretty. “I could probably walk to the hotel faster than this.”

“Don’t even think about it. You’re not leaving me here to suffer.”

Not that he’d even considered it. Eventually, traffic did start moving again, and luckily, the hotel wasn’t too near the National Mall, so the line of cars began to thin until they were moving at a steady five miles an hour instead of one.

The hotel was nestled in a quaint little neighborhood where all the buildings were covered in street art and all the restaurants looked sort of indie-boho—like he’d have trouble finding food that wasn’t vegan .

He didn’t mind though. He was a steak and potatoes kind of guy, but he loved the vibe.

Adele dropped him off on the curb before pulling into the long valet line, and Kash leaned heavily on his cane as he tried to wake his legs up. They weren’t tingling, but they were stiff, and it felt like trying to run through wet quicksand.

He was going to need a wheelchair. That was inevitable. Unless there was a quick fix—like a steroid shot in his ass—he had to accept it. He swallowed down his frustration as he made his way through the lobby doors and breathed a sigh of relief when he realized there was no line.

A tired-looking woman at the front desk beckoned him over and cracked her jaw with a massive yawn, then shot him an apologetic smile. “Sorry, honey. I was up with the sun.”

“You’re fine. The first thing I’m going to do when I get into my room is pass out,” he told her with a smile. Digging into his pocket, he pulled out his wallet for his ID and credit card. The check-in was simple, and she handed him his room key and hotel map, then rattled off the restaurant hours, which he was in no way going to remember.

There was no room service, but he had a firefighter roommate who he was willing to bet would jog ten blocks to get him food if he asked. Not that he’d ever take advantage of Adele that way, but it made him feel good he’d be taken care of on this trip.

He felt foolish now for trying to do this alone.

“You call down if you need anything, okay?”

He nodded and made his way over to strangely shaped sofas with tight leather coverings. They squeaked embarrassingly loud as he sat, but no one looked over, so he settled back to relieve the pressure on his legs .

He tapped his cane, drummed his fingers, and tried not to panic that Adele had somehow changed his mind and decided to leave him there.

“I found burgers,” came a booming voice.

Kash turned his head to find his smiling best friend holding both their suitcases. “Are you hungry?”

“I could eat a damn rhino. Wait, those are endangered. Hippo? Lion?”

“Let’s stick with burgers,” Kash offered.

Adele grinned wider and offered him a hand up. “Can you eat?”

“I’ll manage something, but I need to get prone, like, yesterday.”

Adele stuck close as they made their way to the elevators. They were on the seventh floor, which made his head spin a little as they finally stepped out, and he led the way down the maze of hallways until they found their room. It was a corner suite, and it opened up to a massive room with two queen beds, a desk, a sofa, and a minibar.

“Do I want to know how much you paid for this?” Adele asked, glancing around.

Kash flushed. “No. Everything in this city cost a fucking mortgage payment because of the flower festival thing, so I chose something nice. Besides, I live with this guy who refuses to charge me rent, so I’m doing pretty well right now.”

Adele’s cheeks were dusted a light pink, and he shoved his hands into his pockets. “Sounds like a great guy.”

“He is. You have a lot to live up to,” Kash teased.

Adele licked his lips and took a step forward before freezing. His face went all strange, like he was feeling guilty, and he cleared his throat. “So. Burgers.”

Kash groaned and flopped over on the bed. He wanted out of his orthotics, but he didn’t have the strength to peel them off. “You know what I like.”

Warm hands touched his shins, and he fought back the very real urge to groan. “You know I do.” Then Adele’s fingers went for the zipper and button on his jeans.

His throat went dry. “Adele?” he rasped.

“Let me help you get comfortable.”

Right. He was there as a caregiver and a friend. Not to fulfill Kash’s fantasies. All the same, he allowed himself this selfish, indulgent moment. He forced his body to relax as much as it was capable, and he was pliant as Adele stripped him out of his jeans and button-up.

He breathed out a sigh of relief when his legs were released from the orthotics, and he tried not to grimace when Adele lifted one foot and began to massage the sweaty arch.

“That has to be gross.”

Adele scoffed. “You and I have both been inside the station locker room. Nothing is worse than that.”

Kash laughed and covered his face with both hands. “Yeah. The one thing I don’t miss.” He sobered quickly. He didn’t talk about retiring from his job much. Hell, he didn’t think about it at all. One trauma at a time, damn it. But he felt there was about to be a moment between them.

“If you decide to get back to work, you know I’ll find something for you, right?”

“Tired of me sponging off?—”

“Don’t,” Adele interrupted, firm but kind. “Please don’t. You know that’s not it. I just know you, and I know sitting around isn’t good for you.”

Another brutal truth. If Kash wasn’t dealing with the fact that these might be his last few years, he’d be freaking out about work. But it was the last thing on his mind for now.

He pushed up on his elbows. “Go get some food, okay? I know you’re starving.”

Adele stared at him, then sighed and dropped his leg, leaving him feeling somewhat lopsided. “Yeah. I’ll, uh…” He hesitated, his face turning toward the window. “I’ll be back in a bit. Text me if you think of anything specific you want.”

“You know me,” Kash reminded him.

Adele looked over at him, then nodded. “Yeah. I do.”