Chapter 4

four

ADELE

Kash was in the shower when Ridge and his daughter showed up. She was all sleepy-eyed, with her cheek smashed against his shoulder and her thumb in his mouth. She was barely two and starting to learn how to hear with her cochlear implants. He could see them blinking on the side of her head. Ridge had rigged them to a headband since her little ears were too small to support the earpieces.

“Hi,” he said and signed at the same time. “Sleepy?”

She sucked her thumb harder, and he smiled, looking up at Ridge. “Rough day?”

Ridge shrugged. “She hasn’t been sleeping all that great. She’s asking to wear her CIs again, but she’s overwhelmed by all the sounds. But when I try to take them off, she has an even bigger tantrum, so you know. It’s been a circus.” He half signed while he spoke—not quite matching ASL grammar, but he knew Ridge was still new at the language, and most of his lessons were taken through online video, so he didn’t have anyone to correct him when he got it wrong.

But he was trying, that much was obvious, and Adele knew through Frey that most hearing parents of Deaf kids didn’t bother learning even the alphabet, let alone the entire language. So while Ina shouldn’t have been so lucky, that it should be every parent going that mile for their kid, he knew Ridge was something special.

“We can set her up in the living room. Gage is in there playing some game on the Xbox, and the little ones always love watching it. It’s some RPG thing where these little kids in Halloween costumes fight bad guys for trick-or-treat candy.”

Ridge raised his brow. “Uh. Weird.”

Adele laughed. “So weird, but it’s strangely hypnotic.” He held his hands out, and Ina allowed herself to be taken. She was small and light and warm and smelled like dirt and cookies. God, he missed that. He didn’t want more kids. Gage was enough to turn his hair prematurely grey, but he’d been so caught up in his divorce and all the pain that had come with it, he’d forgotten to enjoy the early years.

‘Come on,’ he signed to her as he walked her toward his son. ‘You can sit with G.’

Gage looked up, and his face broke out into a smile. ‘Hey!’ he signed quickly. He was a lot more fluent than Adele. “Come here,” he said aloud as he took Ina into his lap. ‘Do you want to play with me?’

She watched his hands with big eyes, then signed, ‘Play,’ back at him.

He nodded, then turned her around and put the controller in her hands. ‘Come on. Just like this.’

When Adele was satisfied that Ina was comfortable, he peered down the hall, but Kash’s door was still shut. He promised he’d shower and come out when he was ready, but Adele was worried he was going to have to drag him out .

Something was going on with him—more than the muscle issues he was having with his arms and legs. Something had changed over the last couple of weeks, but Kash was refusing to talk about it, and Adele was starting to properly worry.

“You okay?” Adele jumped and turned to find Ridge leaning his shoulder against the wall. Ridge chuckled. “Sorry, man. I called your name.”

Adele slapped his hand over his face and dragged it down with a groan. “I’m fine. Just…distracted.”

Ridge sighed and reached out, grabbing Adele around the back of his neck. “Come on, boss. You can be my sous chef while I get dinner put together.”

Adele followed his friend, taking comfort in his warm touch, and they made their way into the kitchen. Ridge had laid out two large pans of what looked like pre-rolled enchiladas, one plastic container full of red sauce and one full of beans.

“I thought you were making some kind of pie.”

Ridge pulled a face. “It didn’t work out. Long story and super boring. But I figured enchiladas would be a good second.”

Adele laughed. “Food is food in this house. Three grown men and several others who stop by unannounced. Trust there won’t be leftovers.”

“Dude, I’m here for that,” Ridge said. He walked over and frowned at Adele’s stove before pushing a couple of buttons to get the preheat going. Turning back, he grabbed one tray of enchiladas and then began to gently ladle the sauce over the top. “And while I do this, you can tell me why it looks like your goldfish died.”

Adele sank into a kitchen chair and folded his arms. “I’m not that bad.”

Ridge scoffed. “I might not know you as well as everyone else around here, but I can definitely tell you’re going through it. I’m not judging you. I’m asking because maybe…I can help?”

Adele bit his lip. Everyone wanted to help, but no one could actually fix his problems. He didn’t know if there was a cure for whatever was going on with Kash, and even if there was, no one could make Kash love him the way he wanted to be loved.

“It’s your roommate, right? Kash?”

Adele glanced at the door to make sure no one was lingering nearby, and then he nodded and glanced away. He held his arms tightly around his middle like he could protect himself from the pain. Or maybe hold it in so it didn’t come erupting through his skin and making a big mess all over everyone.

“Sorry if I’m putting my nose where it don’t belong,” Ridge said very softly.

Adele shook his head. “Nah. It’s not you. It’s all me. And, well, him.”

“You two have been best friends forever, right?”

Adele nodded.

“And you’re torn up because you’re in love with him?” Ridge asked so quietly Adele read the words mostly off his lips, but they rang out like a gunshot anyway because they were the most brutal truth.

Adele’s head bowed as the pain of realization hit him. He was in love with Kash. He was helplessly and forever going to be in love with him. There was no saving him from that fate, and in that moment, he wondered if he could die from pining.

“Does he know?”

Adele swallowed heavily. “I don’t think so, but if he does, he’s doing a good job at pretending. And I think that might be on purpose so he doesn’t have to tell me he’ll never love me back.”

“Ah, shit.” Ridge put the two trays of enchiladas in the oven before it was done preheating, and then he set the beans by the stove and took the chair next to Adele. After a beat, he reached for him, closing his fingers around Adele’s hands and squeezing. “I can’t imagine how rough that is.”

Adele was grateful Ridge didn’t understand his pain, but it, once again, made him feel more alone than he ever had been. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath. “I keep telling myself I’ll get over it, but after this many years, I know I won’t. I think right now, I want to not worry that whatever’s going on with him is going to get bet?—”

“Hey.”

Adele’s jaw snapped shut when Kash appeared. He was walking without his cane, though his steps were slow, and his right hand was curled into a fist tight enough to tell Adele that it wasn’t voluntary. When Kash followed his gaze, he flushed and shook his arm until his sleeve covered his fingers.

Adele said nothing about it. Instead, he got up and walked over, setting his hand on Kash’s shoulder. “Official introductions?”

“We met at the barbeque,” Kash said softly.

Ridge hopped up and stuck out his right hand, then switched to his left. Shit. He’d noticed. Kash’s cheeks darkened a bit, but he took Ridge’s hand anyway. “Hey! Nice to see you again. Hope you like enchiladas. They’re gringo style—not too spicy, baked with the sauce on top.”

Kash grinned at him, looking at ease, which probably meant he hadn’t heard anything he and Adele had been saying. “Sounds great, but you don’t have to worry about the spice on my account. That’s this old-ass man right here.” He nudged Adele.

“First of all, fuck you. Second, my doctor said I have to take it easy. Not stop entirely,” Adele said, patting his stomach. He had several rolls of cheap gas station Tums in his desk for taco Tuesdays and burrito Fridays. He let go of Kash’s shoulder but kept in close as his friend made his way to the table.

“Can I help?”

Ridge began to paw around the cupboards and eventually found a pot for the beans. “Nah, I got it. I’m gonna throw some dinosaur nuggets in the oven for Ina in a bit.”

“Dino nuggets!” The shout came from Gage in the living room.

Adele rolled his eyes. “You’re not five. You’re having what the grown-ups are having.”

“No one’s too old for dino nuggies,” Gage complained. He appeared a second later and walked up to Adele, shoving the baby at him. She nestled in close and laid her head on his shoulder, comfortable like she’d known him her entire life.

Gage walked over and draped his arms over Kash’s shoulders in a loose hug. Kash’s eyes closed, and Adele let himself feel the pain of seeing the family that would never be his.

“Love you, kid,” Kash said.

Gage grinned. “Love you more. Will y’all hate me if I bail on dinner?”

Ridge pressed a hand to his chest. “My enchiladas? My nuggies ?”

Gage grinned and let Kash go, opening his arms. Ridge drew him in for a fierce hug. “I’m too adorable for you to hate me.”

“Try again. I have a toddler.”

Gage rolled his eyes. “I’ll make it up to you? Luke has a date, and he’s freaking the fuck out about looking nice. I have to go help him. Then I have to stalk them both so the guy doesn’t try anything rude or fresh.”

Ridge raised his brows. “Are kids bringing back ‘fresh’?”

“He’s in a play,” Adele said. “About the…fifties?”

“Sixties. Anyway, thank you, love you, bye!”

The door slammed a moment later, and Adele looked down in his arms, but Ina was fast asleep.

“She had a long day. If you want me to take her, I can,” Ridge offered.

Adele tightened his arms around her. “Let me have my moment, please. I’ll never have this again, and while Gage says he wants a whole litter of children, I’m not sure he’s going to keep that opinion once he’s old enough to realize how much responsibility being a parent is.”

Ridge sighed as he stirred the beans, then popped a lid on them and turned. He glanced from Kash to Adele and smiled. “You’d look good with another baby in your arms though, just sayin’.”

Kash let out a soft, startled cough, then said, “Yeah. I could see it.”

Adele’s face heated as he rocked Ina from side to side. He didn’t know what to say to any of that. There was no way in hell Kash meant it the way Adele wanted him to. There was no way they could do all this again together. Starting over.

His heart ached all the way down to his stomach.

“Hey. Not to be an asshole, but do you mind if I turn in?” Kash asked him. “I’m suddenly not very hungry, but if you save me some, I promise to tear them apart later. ”

Adele wanted to cry. “You’ve hardly eaten anything today.”

“I know. I’m just hurting.” His arm was shaking. Fuck.

Ridge swooped in to take Ina and leaned in to murmur in his ear, “Go walk him to the bedroom and tell him I’ll save him a plate. This whole thing might not be as unrequited as you think it is.”

Adele was too terrified to hope as he let the baby slip from his arms. He looked at Kash but couldn’t read his expression, and that was more painful than anything because it never used to be like that. They were practically telepathic years ago.

But they’d lost so much.

He offered Kash his hand and let him hold on tight as they made their way back to the bedroom. Adele had desperate, burning questions clawing at his throat. Did the doctors have any idea? Had any of the tests come back? Were they running more?

Would Kash please let him in so they could get through this together?

“Your friend is nice,” Kash said as he eased back down on the bed.

“Hmm? Oh. Yeah, he’s an amazing guy.”

Kash’s lips softened. “Good-looking too.”

Adele’s ears burned. Oh . He supposed he should have realized Ridge was more Kash’s type than anything. “You want me to get you his number, or?—”

“What? Oh my God, no . That’s…” He trailed off with a sigh as he settled into his pillows. “That’s so not what I meant. I’m too much of a mess for anyone to love.”

“Bullshit.” Adele rolled his eyes. It wasn’t like he wanted to set Kash up with someone else. That would kill him. But he also wasn’t about to let his best friend believe he wasn’t worthy of love, no matter what was going on with his body. “And anyone who says different will have to fuckin’ deal with me.”

He helped Kash pull the blankets up over his chest, and then he brushed fingers through his hair. Kash leaned into the touch, and for a moment, Adele existed in the fantasy. It wouldn’t last, but he had this moment.

“Love you,” Kash murmured. He was drifting. “Have a good dinner. Date.”

Adele opened his mouth to correct him, but Kash’s breathing had already evened out. He was asleep. Worry turned into something closer to fear. Something had to be wrong. Whatever this was, it was bad.

He shut the door on his way out and fought the urge to fall to his knees and scream. When Kash said he was coming home, everything was supposed to be going right for the first time in years.

Now, it felt like it was on the verge of completely falling apart.

“Hey, babe.”

Adele looked up from his drink and saw Frey sliding into the seat beside him. He was dressed in scrubs, his feet in white Crocs, his cheeks mottled pink from the wind. It was storming outside, and a few lingering raindrops were sliding down the end of his nose.

“Did you walk here?”

Frey snorted. “No. Renato dropped me off. He and Rex are having a father-son date, and I’m Dad , so I wasn’t invited.”

Adele warmed all over. The adoption wasn’t official— yet. It was complicated, thanks to the fact that Frey’s ex had abandoned his family right after Rex was born, but they were working on it with a friend of Monty’s, and it was looking like right after the new year, Rex would be getting a new official parent.

Not that the paperwork would have mattered. Renato was enamored with his little family. He was still every bit the asshole Frey had once hated, but he was different around them and around their little extended family.

Adele had been wary, but the only thing that really mattered to him was that Frey and Rex were loved beyond all reason. And they were.

Leaning over, Adele kissed his cheek and sighed happily when Frey nestled in. “Thanks. I needed this.”

“I had a feeling,” Frey told him. He dried his face on the side of Adele’s shirt. Luckily, the firefighter T-shirts were black, so it didn’t show. “Are the guys coming?”

Adele shook his head. “Lane’s here, but he’s dealing with a catering crisis. Lucas is in the kitchen, and he’ll probably come say hi in a bit. Everyone else is working except Bowen and Briar, who have the flu.”

Frey grimaced. “Tell me those fuckers got their shots.”

“They did, but Briar tested positive yesterday, so they’re in quarantine.” Adele sipped his drink and tried not to think about his worry that he’d bring something home to Kash, who was in a full-body flare. He could move his jaw enough to eat, but he’d woken up with his arms and legs stiff as a board. He would have been worried, but the muscle relaxers had finally started to do their job a few hours ago.

Still, Adele wouldn’t have come except that Kash had basically kicked him out and said he needed space. Adele didn’t understand until he did. Until he realized that Kash might have wanted alone time so he could talk to someone who wasn’t Adele.

“There’s that look again. Is it Kash?”

Adele felt sick to his stomach.

“Talk to me, babes.”

Adele groaned, face bowed toward the table. “I think Kash is seeing someone.” Okay, that was maybe a little dramatic and unrealistic, but Kash had been keeping to himself a lot over the last few weeks, and he’d definitely been on a couple of video calls that Adele had done his best not to eavesdrop on.

It was probably doctor stuff, but what if it wasn’t? What if it was a date? What if it was Ridge after all? He wasn’t sure if Ridge would say anything, knowing how Adele felt about Kash, and frankly, he didn’t know how he’d ever be able to be around the two of them if they got together. His heart was already cracked, and that would shatter it into a thousand pieces.

He took a long gulp of his ale, then burped out a long string of hot bubbles, making Frey lean away from him.

“Fuck’s sake, frat boy. What’s going on?”

Adele scrubbed a hand down his face. “I’m in love with Kash.”

“Yeah. We all figured that out years ago. Is that what you’re angsting about?”

“What if he meets someone and has this epic life without me?”

Frey was quiet for a long beat. “Does he know how you feel? Or are you wallowing in silence, hoping one day he’ll notice you’re the man of his dreams?”

“The second one,” Adele said, burping again. He didn’t fight when Frey took his beer away.

“You’ re a moron.”

“Yep.”

“You need to tell him.”

“Nope.” He grabbed the basket of fries from the middle of the table now that they weren’t molten hot and shoved three in his mouth. “I’m going to die alone.”

Frey sighed. “Fine. I’m not going to force you to make the intelligent decision, but I will buy you ice cream if you want. But only if you give me a ride home because I’m not taking an Uber in this shit.”

Adele sighed. “Come with me to grocery shop for the station. It’s my turn. I’ll drop you home after.”

“Deal. We’ll eat our weight in Chunky Monkey, and you can tell me how bad it is and ignore all the good advice I’m about to give you.” Frey leaned into him again, and Adele wrapped his arm around him. “And please don’t ever forget that I love you, and you never have to do any of this crap alone.”

Adele softened. “I love you more.”

Frey grinned. “I always knew I was the favorite. Now, come on. Let’s go solve your unsolvable problem with sugar and sage advice.”