Chapter 12

twelve

KASH

There needed to be a new emotion for the range of mortification, gratitude, relief, and horror that Kash felt as the captain of the ferry wheeled him to the boat. In the bathroom, when his legs had spasmed so hard they’d given up trying to hold his body weight, he’d hit the ground and swore for a moment he left his body.

Then, he was being dragged out of the disgusting puddle at the base of the urinal and propped up against the wall. He heard himself ask for Adele. He didn’t really register the man crouching in front of him, only that he was asking for a description, and then suddenly, Adele was there.

Like the hero he always was.

Kash wanted to cry, and he also kind of wanted to laugh because God , why was everything he did such a disaster? Was it going to be like this forever?

He felt a little better now that he was sure he wasn’t actually concussed, but he also knew he hadn’t hit his head hard. He’d smacked his temple on a broken piece of tile as he went down, and it gashed him right open .

Once upon a time, he was the man tending to people like him. Once upon a time, he was the hero. Now, he was a sorry, sad sack of shit in an uncomfortable wheelchair being carted up to some first aid room, cutting their trip short.

“Still with me?”

Kash blinked, then glanced up and behind him. Fenton had his gaze on the ramp as he pushed Kash onto the boat. “Yeah. Sorry. I have no idea what to say right now.”

“It’s your first time, right?”

Kash frowned. “Uh?”

“Falling in public?” Fenton looked down at him, the tips of his ears pink. “Sorry, that was super rude. My niece has a disorder. She falls a lot.”

That had to be why Fenton had been so damn calm. “It’s not my first time, but I’m still getting used to it. This is new for me.”

“It must be hard.”

He had no idea, but Kash wasn’t going to say that. He knew Fenton was trying to be kind. “How old is your niece?”

“Five.” When Kash’s brows flew up, Fenton laughed. “My sister was a teenage mom, and I’ve been helping her for a few years while she’s in school. I kind of owed her. She’s always been the one who stuck up for us. Especially my little brother. When he came out and wanted to go on testosterone, my oldest brother had a hard time with it. Frankie’s a good guy, but he was afraid of letting Fallon make permanent changes to his body, and Faith stepped in to help him out.”

It took Kash’s brain a second to catch up. “Testosterone? Oh . He’s?— ”

“Trans. Yeah.” Fenton’s tone was suddenly stiff, and Kash understood why.

“It’s the brain fog,” he said quickly. “I wasn’t hesitating because I’m a dickhead.”

Fenton looked down at him as he paused by the freight elevator, and his face softened. “I kind of hoped. Can’t be too careful these days. But you and your boyfriend seem cool.”

“Oh. No. He’s not,” Kash stopped. It felt almost pointless to explain. People had assumed most of their lives, and it wasn’t like they were going to see this guy again. “Adele and I spent a lot of years in the closet. Once you come out, it’s hard to want to stay in, even if it’s only for a moment.”

Fenton pushed the button, and the lift began to rise. He leaned on the chair handles and let out a small sigh. “Our parents were conservative, but I had access to the internet, so it wasn’t as much of a journey for him. He knew when he was, like, twelve. He toyed around with being a butch lesbian and chopping all his hair off and wearing flannel. But he told me nothing ever felt as right as when someone would call him sir. He didn’t get to start his journey until well after puberty when my parents lost custody of us and Frankie took us in, but it meant everything when he could…”

“Be himself?” Kash remembered what that felt like. Only it felt like he’d lost himself again, and he was searching for who he was now in this new reality.

The doors opened, and Fenton pushed him out, taking an immediate right into a small room with a bench. It was fairly nondescript, but there were a few posters on the wall that depicted the Heimlich and CPR, so he assumed this was their first aid station.

“So, I know your boyfriend is an EMT?—”

“Firefighter,” Kash corrected absently, then rolled his eyes at himself because it wasn’t like it mattered. “We both are. Were. I was,” he fumbled, then cleared his throat. “We’re both EMT certified.”

Fenton didn’t seem annoyed. He smiled patiently and waited for Kash to stop rambling. “I’ll give you the kit, and you can get your face cleaned up. I’ll let him handle the rest. I’d offer, but I’m not sure I wouldn’t make it worse.”

Kash grinned at him. “You’re doing an amazing job.”

“Yeah?” Fenton seemed very young then. His face was full of the uncertainty Kash remembered when he first started his job. “It feels like I’m playing pretend as an adult, you know? Like, I expected this big revelation when I turned twenty-one—like my adult brain was going to switch on, and I’d learn all the secrets of how to get by without feeling like I wanted to call my mom and cry. But a year later and I’m still a mess.”

“If it helps, I’m on the other side of forty, and I’m still pretending like I know what the fuck I’m doing half the time,” Kash told him. “And now I have to start over since I can’t go back to my old job.”

Fenton bit his lip and stared at him. “I don’t have any sage words or anything, but at least your boyfriend loves you. My last girlfriend flipped out when she realized I was going to put my family first and not turn my sister and niece away when they needed help. I had no idea how to deal with that. We’d been together for five years, and suddenly, she was this whole different person. I was lost at sea—pun intended.”

Kash chuckled. “You look like you’re doing well for yourself.”

“That’s also pretend,” Fenton said with a wink. “But maybe if I do this long enough, it’ll start to feel real. ”

“I’ll keep my fingers crossed.” Kash attempted to twist them but realized his hands had gone stiff. He let out a small groan. “Not today. Maybe tomorrow if you want me to be literal about it.”

“I’m pretty sure the universe deals in figuratives. I think the thought counts more than the action.” He stood up straight, then reached for the first aid kit and set it on the table next to Kash. “I’m going to find your boyfriend. Will you be good here? We set sail in like five minutes, so I want to make sure he’s not late.”

“I’ll be good,” Kash promised. And he would. Even if Adele got left behind, he’d hang at the terminal and wait. It would be par for the course anyway, and he was too tired to hope that the rest of the day would go in any way that either of them had planned.

Kash felt the boat engines start and then a rocking sensation as they pulled away from the dock. Forty-five seconds later, the door opened and Adele appeared. Kash had had just enough time to start panicking that Adele was being left behind before he stumbled in, and at the sight of him, everything sort of went still and quiet.

Adele stood there staring at him for a long moment, then walked in and closed the door behind him. The boat swayed, and he crashed into the counter before grabbing the empty chair Fenton had left behind, and he plopped down with a small laugh.

“I need to start training again.” He sounded a little breathless. “I haven’t run like that in a while.”

Kash snorted and reached for him, unthinking and uncaring. Adele grabbed his wrist and tugged the chair close, wrapping him in an embrace. “I thought you were going to miss the boat.”

“Nah. I would have jumped in to swim after it.” Adele nuzzled his temple, then pulled back. “Are you feeling better?”

Kash hadn’t bothered to do an internal check, but he took a moment to acknowledge his aching legs and his sore temple. The cut wasn’t as painful as it had been in the bathroom, but he had a feeling his body was not going to thank him tomorrow.

“I’ll live.”

Adele rolled his eyes, then grabbed the first aid kit from him and began to unpack it. His tongue stuck out between his teeth, his eyes squinting as he looked over the little packets. “I need to start bringing my reading glasses with me.”

Kash burst into laughter. “We’re so old.”

Adele glanced up, then snorted and shook his head. “We’re not expired yet. Slightly out of date, maybe, but we have some life left in us. Come here.” He took Kash by the chin and turned his head, then ripped open the acrid-scented alcohol pad.

It stung when Adele cleaned him, but the pain faded quickly, and the cream after was soothing. He closed his eyes and basked in his best friend’s touch.

“I’m sorry I ruined the trip.”

Adele sighed quietly as he smoothed the edges of the bandage over Kash’s skin. “You really think it was ruined?”

“I think that you planned something really nice, and my body decided that it wanted to fuck around,” Kash told him. He leaned back, looking at his friend. Adele seemed sadder than anything else. His mouth was turned down at the corners, and he had his hands hanging loosely between his spread knees. “I feel like this is a preview of what the rest of my life is going to be like.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Adele said, and Kash couldn’t help a wince. He’d half hoped that Adele would blow smoke up his ass and tell him it would pass. But he also knew Adele too well to think those words were coming. “I’ll never give up on our beach days though. Or shelling.”

Kash’s chest warmed. “Promise?”

“Cross my heart. But you’ll have to accept a bathroom escort from now on,” Adele said, and when Kash wrinkled his nose, Adele sat back and crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m not joking. God knows what kind of nasty shit you could have picked up from that floor.”

Kash couldn’t argue with him there. “All I really want is to go home and have a nice shower and comfortable sweats.”

“Make it a bath?” Adele said. Kash’s mouth went dry. “The one in my bedroom fits more than one person, and I’ve got a couple bubble bars and some Epsom salts.”

Kash swallowed heavily. “Yeah?” Was that an invitation? Or a suggestion.

“Gage won’t be home tonight. He’s over at a friend’s after rehearsal. We’ll be unbothered. You can relax…and I can help,” Adele added, his voice dropping low.

Nope. Kash was not misinterpreting anything. And he could only lie to himself for so long. He just didn’t understand why Adele was doing this when he’d never shown any indication of loving Kash as more than a friend before now.

Was it pity?

He did feel pretty pathetic, and he probably would for a while—until he learned his new body .

Did he think Kash would never be able to find anyone else willing to sleep with him?

He was pretty sure that wasn’t true. It was the opposite. Kash was done trying to fill the holes in himself with people who didn’t fit the right shape. Adele was it for him. He just didn’t trust it could be real and struggled to believe that those feelings could go both ways.

But maybe he shouldn’t overthink it. Maybe he should accept what Adele was willing to give him until it ended. It probably would. Kash had never been blessed. But why not be a little selfish when everything was so damn terrible?

“I think that sounds really good,” Kash said, meeting Adele’s gaze.

Adele’s cheeks pinked, and his lips parted on a soft inhale. “Yeah?”

“Yes.”

Bowing his head, Adele nodded. “I think we can salvage the rest of the day.” His hand crept out, and then he linked fingers with Kash and held tight.

Kash squeezed back. His grip was weak, but it was there, and that’s what mattered. “Yeah. I think so too.”

They sat quietly there in the little room of the ferry, mostly in silence, on the cusp of something big and important. And the only thing Kash had in that moment was faith that if he accepted this—whatever it was—nothing else was going to fall apart.