Chapter 3

THREE

T he roof was not designed for visitors. A bulky HVAC unit sprawled over one half, blocking Felix's view of the sprawling metropolis of Titusville. The other half was blessedly dark.

Felix looked up. The stars always seemed weird when viewed through an atmosphere. Closer in some inexplicable way, as though they were stitched to a blanket draped around the planet. Yet also farther away. Unattainable. Felix gulped at the humid Florida air, filling his lungs. The taste of the dancefloor lingered on his tongue, and when he licked his lips, they felt numb. The sonorous bass continued to pulse through his feet, though that might simply be a memory. The roof of the club was otherwise quiet.

A breeze whispered past his cheek. Despite having spent six years planetside, stray air currents still incited a sense of unease. Station-born always knew where the vents were. Just as they always knew the location of every accessible bulkhead and maintenance panel. Their lives could depend on such things. Air that moved under the influence of atmospheric pressure, outside of a domed habitat, was just… strange.

A pang of homesickness wound through him. Though distance could be relative, tomorrow he'd put another system between himself and Pontus Station—he'd be another step removed from his home and family—and right here, right now, it was hard to remember why he was going. Surely the AEF didn't really need another engineer.

Felix scanned the rooftop again, looking for somewhere to camp out for a while. He'd have to go back downstairs soon, or risk the party joining him. But five minutes to get settled would go a long way toward getting him through the rest of the night.

The roof access door creaked open. Someone tripped through, kicking aside the brick Felix had used to prop it ajar.

Shit.

The door swung closed with a heavy clang.

Double shit.

"I hope you told someone where you were going, because that brick you just tripped over was holding the door open."

"Flick?"

Triple shit. The very person he needed space from. "What are you doing up here?"

"I could ask you the same thing."

Nope, not playing word games with Mr. Tricky Dicky Smarty Pants. "I just needed to cool off. It was hot down there."

"Yeah." Zed moved away from the shadow of the door, and the ambient city light caught his frame, highlighting his broad shoulders, the shine of his dark hair—and the fact he had one hand wrapped around the back of his neck. It was a nervous gesture, one of his tells. "Everything okay with you? You've been kinda weird tonight."

"'M fine. Just gonna miss everyone, you know?"

"You've got the passcode to my jazer account, right?"

Felix swallowed. Jazer comms were expensive, which was why Zed wanted him to use his account rather than rely on the slower, less costly relay point or ripcomms. Neither would be the same as this, though, standing so close he could smell Zed's cologne. Talking face to face.

As always, Zed read his thoughts. "I know it's not the same, but it's not as if this is it. We're just gearing up for the next adventure."

That last brought a smile to Felix's lips. "You sounded like me just then."

Zed shrugged. "Bound to happen." He glanced over shoulder. "So what's this about the door?"

"It locks from the inside. If no one saw you come up here, then we'll have to message someone to come rescue us."

"Marnie knows we're up here." Of course she did. Zed dipped his chin and a shadow obscured his face. "Flick… is…" He gripped the back of his neck again. "Wanna sit and talk awhile? Just you and me?"

Felix argued with himself for long enough that Zed looked up again, showing his confused expression. And something else. Hurt? Not stepping toward him, not flinging himself into the wide expanse of Zed's chest, took every ounce of self-control Felix had. He'd gotten away with that when they were boys, but now? It would take more than self-control to govern what happened next.

Instead, clearing his throat, he spoke roughly. "Sure. Um, yeah."

Over near the edge of the roof, a large, square duct folded away from the bulk of the HVAC, forming a long, low bench. Felix climbed over it so they could sit facing out, with a view of the city and the stars. Zed sat next to him, close but not too close. Felix shuffled over, reducing the gap. This could be the last time he sat next to Zed like this. Probably ever. If Zed and Emma didn't hook up during specialist training, then Zed would meet someone else out there in the big, wide galaxy. This night could be the end of…

Would it be dramatic to say all things ?

He didn't know what to say, had never known what to say, but Felix knew if he didn't say something, now, Marnie's disappointment would be the least of it. Just do it . He could treat it like a project, right? Start small, with a test, and then alter the plan to suit his result.

He grabbed a quick breath. "This is what I'm going to miss the most." Rocking sideways, he bumped his shoulder to Zed's. "Just you and me."

The warmth that spread through Zed's body at the innocent touch of his friend's shoulder was new. Or maybe that was just his system shaking off the effects of the dancefloor. Or, hell, maybe Flick's body acted as a windbreak.

Maybe Zed was going a little crazy. His heart was definitely beating too fast and his throat had tightened. Blood rushed through his ears, a low rumble that drowned out everything but Flick's voice. He could chalk it all up to being upset about leaving Flick tomorrow—because he was—but that explanation didn't quite hit all levels of truth. So what was it? Why was he feeling so unsettled? He didn't want to say goodbye, but the dread in his chest felt… bigger than it should.

Flick leaned away, putting space between their shoulders. Fuck, Zed had fallen into thinking-mode, letting the silence stretch too long. Making a concerted effort to shut off his brain, Zed slung an arm around Flick's shoulders and pulled the smaller man to his side.

"I'm gonna miss it too," he assured Flick. A whole hell of a lot.

Flick leaned into Zed's side. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." Zed squeezed Flick's shoulders and bent to press a kiss to his floppy blond curls.

He realized what he'd done just as his lips made contact with Flick's scalp. His heart thumped painfully. Physical signs of affection had always been a hallmark of their relationship, partially because Flick could be so standoffish. Being one of the few people allowed to touch him freely was a gift that Zed recognized and cherished. He never shied away from slinging an arm around Flick's shoulders or giving him a hug or ruffling his hair or… hell, he'd even given Flick's hand a squeeze once or twice when they'd both needed reassurance about something.

And then… there'd been that time with the kisses.

He didn't know if Flick remembered it. It had been shortly after they'd arrived at Shepard Academy, two weeks maybe. One day, Flick just hadn't been around—which was odd, to say the least. In those first few days, he'd clung to Zed's presence, adjusting to both the schoolwork of the Academy and being planetside for the first time. For him to disappear suddenly made no sense, but Zed had thought at first that maybe Flick just needed some space. By the second missed class, though, he'd known something was wrong. He'd started searching for Flick, and when he couldn't find any trace of him, managed to get the school administrators involved. It had still taken the rest of the day to find Flick—he'd been stuffed in a locked footlocker in an unused dorm room by one of the class assholes as a lesson, or maybe a joke.

Zed would never forget how his heart had leaped into his throat when they'd popped the lid on the footlocker. Flick had been drenched in sweat, barely conscious, limp and out of it. He'd stirred slightly as the cool air brushed his sodden curls— and then Zed had kissed him, on his forehead, his cheeks, his temples, trying to show Flick just how much he meant to him, how sorry he was that he hadn't found him sooner. In that moment, Zed had understood just how much he loved his friend.

Then a nurse had pried Flick from Zed's fingers. Eventually Zed had calmed down and when Flick didn't mention the kisses, he assumed he didn't remember them. Just as well. It would have made their friendship weird, right?

Except now he was kissing Flick again… and it wasn't weird. At all.

He lifted his lips away from Flick's head. Gently, he nudged Flick's chin around so he looked up at Zed. Zed examined the face he knew almost better than his own—and why was that? Why had he invested so much of himself into this boy—man—sitting beside him? He'd never had a friend like Flick, one who made it easier to breathe when he was around because Zed knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that no matter what happened, Felix Ingesson would have his back. Always. A friend who calmed him and excited him, one who made Zed want to be more. Better.

A friend he loved, with every fiber of who he was.

"Zed…?" Flick whispered.

Confusion dwelled in the breathy tone, confusion Zed couldn't dispel because he felt it too. The boner he'd had on the dancefloor returned, more insistent. But… he wasn't… he'd never felt this sort of attraction for another guy. Not that there was anything wrong with guys who wanted other guys—who cared, as long as everyone was happy? He'd just never considered…

Hadn't you? Are you sure, Zander?

Flick's hazel eyes were so fucking perfect, and his lips, parted slightly, were so fucking inviting…

Stop thinking and do.

Zed lowered his lips to Flick's. And his brain went silent.

Zed was kissing him.

Actually, Zed's lips were touching his in something like a kiss. A soft press, breath held for long enough for their lips to adhere. Felix thought about pushing him away, just briefly. His right hand clenched, fingers curling into his palm. Instead, he leaned forward, his outward breath a release of a sort.

He kissed Zed.

Their lips moved at cross purposes before catching together in the sweetest harmony. Zed's mouth softened beneath his, then firmed as he kissed back, sealing the gesture. Felix tucked his hand—fingers uncurled now—between them. He paused there, unsure if he wanted to grab Zed's shirt or push him away. Zed's lips were at his again, a firmer press this time. Felix hummed into the connection, the sound one of pleasure and confusion.

He was kissing Zed. His first kiss, and he felt as if he'd been given something divine. The tingle at his lips might as well be magic—something he had wanted so badly, he must have imagined it. Surely he wasn't imagining it.

Felix pulled back, panting softly, thoughts reeling. "Did you just… kiss me?"

Zed looked about as stunned as he felt. "I did."

"Did you, um…" Felix tugged at the curls on top of his head. "Did you mean to? Like, you didn't just sort of slip down from my head to my mouth or something?"

"No."

Zed's mouth found his once more, and this time Felix was ready for the kiss. No more prepared, but ready. He leaned in, lips parting in invitation. How he knew to do that, he had no idea. The desire to have Zed in his mouth felt as natural as the need to taste Zed's lips. To feel the brush of his tongue, to know him in this way. When the tip of Zed's tongue flicked across his lips, Felix met the play. Then it seemed their mouths were fused, and that if they were pulled apart, they'd suffocate.

Who knew kissing was so good?

Felix grabbed at Zed's shirt, the silken SFT fabric slipping beneath his fingers until he found purchase. The heat of Zed's skin radiated through, and the urge to strip the shirt away all but consumed him. The raw nature of his need shocked him. The deep thrum of it, the passionate stirring of his blood and… fuck, he was so hard.

"Wait." His lips still touched Zed's. He could taste Zed's breath. "Wait." Letting go of Zed's shirt, Felix leaned back a little more, knowing he couldn't talk with Zed's mouth so close to his. "I… Is this…? How did you know?"

"I didn't. Hell, I don't even know why I kissed you." A crease appeared between Zed's brows. "Well, yeah, I do. I think maybe I should have kissed you way before now."

Felix's heart lurched in his chest. "Or I could have done it. I… did you know I wanted to?"

Zed shook his head. The corners of his mouth had turned down and he looked sad. "Is that why you've been avoiding me today?"

"I haven't been—" A dark brow arched over a stern, steel-blue eye, and Felix swallowed the lie. "I haven't been avoiding you all day. Just when…" He ducked his head. "Just when we were alone. Because I had something to tell you, and I knew it was going to change everything. Or maybe not." One should hitched up in a shrug.

Zed reached for one of his hands, enfolding it in a firm, but gentle grip. His thumb caressed Felix's palm. "You can always talk to me, you know that."

"But what if I need to talk about you? Do you really want to hear how much I'm going to miss you? That I don't know if I can be by myself after this. How many times I've imagined kissing you. How I feel in here." He thumped his chest. "And it's too late, Zed. I was afraid, and now I've left it too late. This kiss is all we're ever going to have."

Flick's dramatic proclamation rang with truth. Zed wanted to deny it, wanted to point out that the two years they'd spend in specialist training wasn't forever—but that wouldn't be fair to either of them, would it? Fuck, why hadn't they talked about this days ago, when Flick had first started getting all quiet and un-Flick-like? Zed had known the impending separation was bothering him—he'd have to have been stupid not to see it—but he kind of thought excitement would eventually overwhelm the fear. Except he hadn't known exactly why Flick had been scared, and now that he did…

"It doesn't have to be," Zed murmured. "All that we ever have, I mean."

Something like a whimper escaped Flick's throat. "Don't. Just—don't just say that."

"I'm not." Zed nudged Flick's chin to face him again. "Hey, Felix. When have I ever lied to you?"

Flick grunted and shook his head.

"Right, never. And I'm not now."

"I don't want your pity?—"

"This isn't pity." Zed blew out an exasperated breath. "It's… I don't know what it is, but it's not pity. Maybe if we'd gone out dancing before, I would've figured it out, but someone doesn't really like the clubs." Immediately, Zed regretted his joking tone when Flick's shoulders hunched a little more. He clasped a hand around Flick's neck, rubbing. "Hey, no, I'm not… no blame, okay? I didn't know. I didn't know you wanted to kiss me and I didn't know I wanted you to kiss me."

Flick peeked up at him through his unruly curls. "You never thought about it?"

"No. Well… maybe." Zed's lips screwed up into something between a grimace and a smile. "In passing. I never really thought there was something there to figure out, you know? I like girls."

Flick snorted. "Yeah, Dawna made sure the whole school knew that."

"So, I figured… I don't know what I figured." That the passing thoughts he'd had about Flick's mouth were an aberration? That the times he'd caught a glance of Flick's ass or his chest and started feeling weird were a fluke? Sighing, he bent forward, cradling his head in his hands for a moment before looking sideways at Flick. "Do you like both?"

"No, just…" Flick swallowed. "Just guys."

They really should have talked about this sooner. Zed had never really delved into his own sexuality. He'd kissed women. He'd had sex with a woman and he'd really enjoyed the act, if not the next morning. He thought that made it pretty fucking clear he was into women.

But his dick wasn't hard right now because he was thinking about a woman's flowing curves. No… he was remembering how Flick smelled, how the slightest hint of stubble had rubbed against Zed's cheeks, how his lips had felt soft yet firm and not as plump as others he'd kissed.

Flick fidgeted. "Look, maybe we should just… you know, pretend this didn't happen."

"Is that what you want?"

The hesitation before the not-so-casual shrug told Zed way more than Flick's words. "Yeah. Sure."

They could walk away. Zed could forget he'd kissed a man. It would be less confusing to just stick with one gender, right? Easier. But he knew— he knew —if they walked away now, like this, Flick's words would come true. That one kiss would be all they would ever have. Maybe it would be a bump in their friendship, eventually laughed off. Maybe not. The idea of not seeing Flick again after specialist training… not acceptable.

"That's not what I want." Zed lifted his head to meet Flick's gaze. Flick's eyes widened an instant before Zed cupped the back of his neck again and pulled him in for a kiss that was less tentative than their first two. Zed shuddered as their lips connected again, as though they completed a circuit. Gently, but with intent, he pushed Flick onto his back and leaned over him. The feel of Flick's legs opening to cradle Zed between them was almost enough to blow his mind.

So good. So fucking right .

"This okay?" Zed pulled back to gaze down at Flick, noting how big and dark his hazel eyes seemed in the dim lighting. "I'm not hurting you, am I?"

Flick shook his head vehemently and Zed thought that the answer would be the same even if he had a stunner in his hand. "No, it's good. I…" Almost involuntarily, it seemed, Flick's body arched and he pressed his groin against Zed's.

Fireworks. That was the only way Zed could describe it. He closed his eyes to shut out the sight of Flick's mouth falling open, otherwise this was going to be done way too quickly. "G-God. You ever done this before?"

Flick rubbed against him again. "No, but?—"

Zed's eyes snapped open. "Never? Kissing?"

Flick's gaze slid sideways.

Shit. Shit . Zed lowered himself, snaking his arms under Flick to hold him in a full-body, way-more-than-friends hug. "I don't really know what the fuck I'm doing here, but… do you want this?"

"Yes." Flick's voice was shaky with need.

Zed did too. The responsibility of being Flick's first time humbled him, but now that it was here, a possibility, he was all-in. He wanted to make this good. He wanted Flick to know he was loved. But taking this step scared him, too. He remembered what he'd been like the morning after he'd slept with Dawna, all but convinced it meant they were supposed to be together. Here, now, he'd give his left nut to have the time with Flick to explore this for more than just one night—but asking Flick to wait or making promises based on just these few hours, or expecting to base something long-distance on feelings so newly uncovered…

It wouldn't be fair to either of them.

He drew in a shuddering breath. "Then here's the deal. Tonight, I'm yours. I want to share this with you. I want to be your first." Zed swallowed, feeling like acid was stripping the lining of his esophagus. "But not your only, Flick. Promise me."