Chapter 15

FIFTEEN

E lias kind of figured that watching Fixer, Emma, and Zed laugh together around the dinner table was about as close as he'd ever get to time travel. The years fell off each of them, rewinding them back into their Academy days. Fix, especially, looked young—which was a weird fucking experience. For as long as Elias had known him, Fixer had been an old soul.

It was a gut-wrenching reminder that the age had been forced on him.

Still, the past was past. Now was the time to revel in a successful job, the influx of Anatolius credits threatening to burst the virtual seams of his bank account, and the fact that everyone on his ship was safe. They'd all fly another day.

"So then." Emma paused to gasp for breath. "Shit, this is good. So then, Zed grabs the shovel and yells, ‘You want to see the damage this fucking thing can do?' And he roared. Roared!"

Zed flushed and toyed with the neck of his beer bottle. "I was trying to intimidate him. Farting around on duty," he muttered.

"I think the private wet his pants." Emma giggled. "I'll tell you, I never saw him play-fighting with a shovel again."

Fix nodded slowly, his eyes twinkling. "The esteemed major knows all about the sort of damage a shovel can do, right, Zander?"

"Shut up, Flick."

"Okay, this story I've got to hear." Elias leaned forward, a wide grin stretching his lips. Something that brought Zander Anatolius down a peg? Hell yes.

"Zed's first posting was on Outrock Colony. Edge of the galaxy, tiny little?—"

Elias waved a hand. "Yeah, I'd been there once before…" Before the stin had wiped it out. It had been one of the first colonies to fall, if he remembered right, and the first indication that the stin weren't necessarily interested in mass destruction of humans via advanced and distant weaponry—no, they preferred the up close and personal approach to war. Which fit with what Zed had told them about the stin's cultural needs.

"So, anyway, Zed was posted out there for two years."

"Two lonely years," Emma added. The way her eyes glimmered, she obviously knew the story too.

"I hate you both," Zed grumbled.

"He and I met up after his posting was done," Fix continued, "and I notice he's got a new scar on the back of his head. And how'd you get that scar, Zed?"

"Fuck you, Flick."

Emma took up the story as Zed's flush deepened. "Apparently our favorite by-the-books, straitlaced lieutenant had been having an affair with a married man."

"Fuck you too, Emma."

"And the wife finally caught them and beaned Zed with the shovel," Fixer concluded.

A bark of laughter escaped Elias. "Oh, shit."

"How hard did she hit you?" Ness demanded.

"Hard enough to send him back to Central." Fixer's expression sobered a bit. "Hard enough that you were still having concussion symptoms when we met up a few months later."

"Yeah. Which you kissed all better." Zed waggled his brows and it was Fixer's turn to blush.

"You were lucky you didn't get nailed with conduct unbecoming," Elias pointed out.

"Yep." Something in his expression told Elias it had been a close thing. Zed sipped his beer and shot a glare at both Fix and Emma. "Wow, I missed you guys. How the hell did I think I could ever survive without you airing all my dirty laundry for fun?"

Emma leaned toward him, brushing their shoulders together. "I missed you too." Surprise colored her features, as though she hadn't expected to voice that thought aloud—or at least not as solemnly as she had. Instead of denying it, though, she owned it. "I did. Both of you."

Elias thought about pointing out that she'd only been separated from Zed for the past few months, but then he wondered if Zed had really been there through the war. Like he was right now, laughing and smiling and joking. Probably not. Elias knew he was lucky—he'd witnessed the atrocities of the war, but they'd never touched his family directly. His dad was still flying his ship, taking fewer jobs now that he was "retired," but still active. Still alive. Fix had lost his family. Zed had lost Fix. And it seemed as if Emma had lost both of them, despite trying to hang on to the one she could.

Was that what had prompted her to follow Zed into the hell of Project Dreamweaver, just trying to hold on to him? Only to be abandoned herself, it sounded like. And how would that kind of unrewarded devotion affect someone?

Harshly, Elias decided. He didn't consider himself an expert of the human condition—other than living it—but he figured there was a lot hiding under Emma's smile and giggles that wouldn't see the light of day. Just like the shadows that lived in Fix's eyes or the unrelenting tension in the lines on Zed's face. He hoped Fix and Zed would keep their minds open.

And maybe an eye on each other's backs.

Unless he was being too cynical. It happened sometimes.

Emma was watching him, her expression blank, unreadable. She might as well have allowed the distrust to wash over her features—it was clear enough. Elias shot her a wide, unconcerned grin, which was just slightly less irreverent than a raised middle finger.

"I'm gonna go verify our departure slot." He pushed up from the table. Qek had put them in the queue, but it didn't hurt to confirm when they'd get through the AEF scans and out into space. Emma might be better off sticking with Agrius, since they seemed invested in keeping her out of AEF hands, but Zed and Flick wouldn't consider that option. Not that he blamed them.

Surprisingly, distrust aside, Emma seemed happy to stay aboard the Chaos. Maybe the reunion with her friends trumped the darkness behind her smile.

Qek clicked, her wide, unblinking eyes surveying the mess. "I will accompany you to ensure that all is satisfactory."

Ness chuckled and rose as well. "You know, I think they all realize we're giving them some time to themselves. We probably don't have to mask it."

"No, no, go on pretending," Fix said. "It's so much less awkward that way."

Elias's hand snaked out to rub through Fix's curls. "Ass."

"Takes one to know one."

"Can't argue that." He grinned, letting the expression encompass all three of the ex-soldiers sitting before him. "Welcome aboard, Emma. I don't think I said it earlier."

He caught her gaze and held it, arching one of his brows as his smile fell away. If she was as good as Zed, she'd read what he wasn't saying in his expression.

You fuck with my crew, you fuck with me.

"Thanks, Captain." She gave him a wide smile…but it didn't quite reach her eyes. Message received.

Somehow it didn't make Elias feel any better.

"Are you fucking serious?" Zed stared up at the open hatch and the scarred face smiling down at him. A giggle—Emma's—drifted from somewhere out of view.

Flick gave an exasperated sigh. "It's not that high up, Zed, I promise."

"High enough!"

"Still scared of heights, Zander?" He couldn't see Emma but the amusement in her voice was unmistakable. "C'mon, you wuss, the view is fantastic."

"It's safe, Zed. It's an access platform." Flick turned aside to jostle something Zed couldn't see. "It's got a retractable barrier and everything."

"Why can't we just sit in the fucking mess?"

"Because sometimes—" Tension ratcheted through Flick's shoulders, then bled away. "Why sit in the ship when we don't have to?"

Zed gripped the ladder and started upward, hand over hand, compelled by what Flick hadn't said. The other man had grown up on a space station and had served on a number of ships—he was used to close quarters, to seeing the same metal walls every day. But after one of their asshole classmates had sealed Flick in a footlocker for a full day shortly after they'd arrived at the Academy, sometimes those walls had a tendency to close in on him.

So if Flick needed to get out of the ship while they revisited the past, then fuck, yeah, Zed would sit on the hull. He'd just try really hard not to look down.

By the time he poked his head through the hatch, Flick and Emma had already perched themselves against the railing Flick had extracted from the ceramix plating. Thankfully, their asses were planted firmly on the hull. Zed didn't think he'd be able to stand the sight of either of them balanced on a rail. He didn't like heights, but even more, he hated the thought of anyone falling.

"There he is." Emma grinned and patted the spot beside her, which was farther away from the edge of the ship. Thoughtful.

Staying low, even though there was no wind in the sheltered area of the docking bay that would steal his balance, Zed made his way to her side and sat down with a grunt. If his hands gripped the railing tight enough to whiten the knuckles, neither Flick nor Emma commented on it. He kept his eyes on the distant wall of the docking bay, studiously avoiding any glance or acknowledgment of how high up they were. High. That was enough.

Behind them, the force-shield that kept the dock pressurized glimmered, obscuring the sight of the stars in the distance. Only auxiliary lights illuminated the dock, a testament to the fact that they were deep into the station's night cycle. Off in the distance, Zed spotted a pair of Anatolius Security guards on patrol, but otherwise, the docks were echoingly quiet.

"It's peaceful," Emma said, her voice pitched low, almost reverent.

"Reminds me of the nights we'd all sneak up to the roof." Flick smiled over Emma's head. "Remember?"

Zed leaned against the railing, watching his friends and seeing them as they'd been almost twenty years before. Young, fresh, so bloody eager to learn and take the galaxy by storm. Especially Emma, with her multitude of talents.

"I'm surprised no one found Marnie's hack," Zed murmured. "The one that kept the door open for her."

"Should've been our first clue that she'd end up in Mil-Int." Emma grunted. "You still in touch with her, Flick?"

Flick nodded, his gaze on the far side of the docks. "She and Ryan got married before I…About six years ago, I guess."

"I got the invitation." Back when Zed had still had a ripmail account, even though he'd rarely used it.

"The wedding was nice." Emma tugged her hair out of its messy bun and nudged Zed with a sharp elbow. "What? One of us had to go."

"Marnie sends me bites of intel now and then. And hacks." Flick shrugged. "It's been…"

He didn't finish his sentence. Zed figured he didn't have to, they all knew what he meant. It had been hard for all of them. The war, being separated, dealing with the challenges and obstacles that life threw at them. More than once over the years of fighting and missions, he'd wished they'd all be able to serve together. What a team they would've made.

"The Five Musketeers," he said, grinning.

Emma tossed her hair. "I always preferred the Fantastic Five, myself. Blame Flick and his comic obsession."

"Hey, it's not an obsession. It's an appreciation for a classic form of literature."

Zed leaned his cheek against the railing. "Is that what literature is? Little drawings with boom, bam, ka-pow scattered everywhere?"

Flick tossed him a raised middle finger and Zed eyed Emma for her reaction. She had none. In fact, her features were…empty. As expressionless as if she'd Zoned, but there was no recognition of a mission in her eyes, no hint that she was there at all. Zed's smile fell away.

Flick grabbed Emma's arm, still braced against the railing, and shook her. "Em!"

She blinked and smiled, as though she hadn't been gone a second before. "You guys are assholes. What?" she asked, realizing the happiness had fled their expressions.

"Nothing." Flick turned back to the view, his shoulders stiff.

Typical Flick, ignoring what he didn't want to deal with. Zed sighed. "You were…gone."

"Oh." A laugh huffed out of her, an airy, humorless sound. "Yeah, that's been happening."

"A lot?"

Emma shrugged. "I've been losing time."

Flick's spine straightened, but he didn't turn back to the conversation. Zed knew he was listening, though.

"How long?" Zed asked.

"About a week. Week and a half, maybe. Hard to tell." The smile she turned on him was sad. "So much for everything being okay, huh?"

Zed's gut twisted. He'd told her that. When they were in the worst parts of the training, when one of their teammates lost it, when it felt like they were going to follow him. When they'd gotten the news that they were done, cut loose, their careers over.

Everything will be okay. Everything will be all right.

He hadn't believed it. But he'd said the words. He'd made that promise, even when he'd known he was lying.

"I'm sorry, Em."

"Yep." She swept a strand of hair behind her ears. "I'm a big girl, Zed, I knew what I was signing up for."

Had either of them known, really?

"The only thing I regret—" Emma stopped, her gaze dipping to trace the rivets in the hull. "I wish I hadn't lost it with those guards."

Zed ground his molars together at the thought of Emma Zoning, losing herself, and coming back to discover she'd killed those men and women. People who'd just been doing their jobs. No doubt she was a danger to the public, uncontained—but if she was, then so was he, and God knew what would happen if they turned themselves over to the AEF's mercy.

"Fuck the AEF." On the other side of Emma, Flick all but vibrated, the rage evident in his harsh, bitten-off words. "Fuck them all."

"I'd toast to that. If we'd thought to bring drinks up with us." Emma curled her hair into a bun again. "Play us a tune, Zed."

"I…no, I haven't…" Zed stammered.

She reached into his back pocket, eliciting a grunt of surprise from him, and pulled out his temp wallet. "It'll take you five seconds to download the right app. So do it. I want to hear your music again." He couldn't miss the plea in her gaze, in her voice. If anyone else had asked…

But then, so few people knew about his old hobby. Just the group from the Academy, and he'd never deny any of them anything.

His fingers were clumsy at first, unused to the motions needed to coax music from the holographic interface. Melodies he'd composed a lifetime ago came back to him in snippets, frayed threads he couldn't follow properly, so the tune came out weirder and more disjointed than the ones he'd created when they were kids. It felt…good, though. Right. As though he was reclaiming a part of himself he'd left abandoned for too long.

When the final notes drifted into the empty dock, he expected a flippant remark from Flick. His odd compositions had always nudged an observation from Flick afterward, usually along the lines of that was fucking weird, man. This time, though, Flick seemed content to let the music slide away without comment.

"Thanks, Zander," Emma whispered after a time.

It wasn't enough to make up for everything that had happened, for all of the things he'd had a hand in, but it was something. "Anytime, Em." He sighed. "Anytime."

Felix woke when the hatch to his quarters slid open. He sat up, blinking in the low light of the lamp he'd left on. "Did something blow up?"

"Huh?"

"Zed?"

The large silhouette moved through the door and slid forward, his step silent. Felix shivered as he imagined Zed being able to sneak up on him. Relax. It was just Zed. Super human, but still overwhelmingly human.

Zed sat heavily on the edge of the bunk.

Citing fatigue, Felix had left Zed and Emma up on the hull. He figured they had stuff to talk about that might offend his delicate sensibilities. Actually, he'd figured they might want to talk about the way Emma blanked out on occasion. Or compare neck-snapping stories or something. In private. And, he'd been tired—still was.

The itch of whatever Ness had put on his new stunner burn had faded, along with the aches of all the other injuries he'd gathered over the past few days. But looking at Zed, seated so solemnly on the edge of his bunk, Felix hurt in the middle, right in the center of his chest. Zed had come to say goodbye, obviously, even though they had days of travel ahead before they delivered Zed and Emma to somewhere safe.

On the one hand, Felix understood. The small kisses and touches they had exchanged over the past couple of days weren't enough to bridge the gap. It was a close thing; Felix felt so much more than he exhibited. For him, their reunion glittered like the ultimate treasure and Zed's consent was the key to the lock.

On the other hand, Felix did not understand. They had found Emma. Mission accomplished. Shouldn't that mean they could move forward? Zed had given so much away already. They should spend the next five…or however many days together. In this cabin. The need to do just that pulled at the ache in Felix's heart.

Of course, it was possible he was just being melodramatic. Being yanked out of sleep in the middle of the night cycle could do that to a man.

"What's up?" Felix said.

"I need somewhere to sleep."

"Huh?"

"Emma's bunked down in the guest quarters."

"Oh. Oh!" Felix shuffled over. "You want to sleep here?" Without considering the meaning—without applying any meaning, he flipped the covers back in invitation.

Zed scrubbed his face. "Dunno if I can sleep."

"We can talk if you want."

"Aren't you tired?"

"I'll be fine."

"You should sleep."

Felix grabbed Zed's shirt. "And you should lie down and stop thinking for a while." Zed didn't move and Felix tugged at the shirt, new fibers tickling his fingers. "C'mon. Lie down and I'll rub your head. Trust me, it'll put you to sleep in about five minutes. And I won't touch your neck."

There were other ways to tire themselves out, and as the silence stretched between them like a wet cord, Felix supposed Zed might be considering those too. This would be better; this would be something he could do for his friend that did not impinge on any promises, kept or broken.

Zed apparently came to the same conclusion. He tipped sideways, pulled his legs up and settled into Felix's abandoned pillow. Felix tugged the blanket back up over them both, and tucked himself in behind the broad back—not too close, but near enough he could feel the comforting warmth of another body. Then he slipped his fingers into Zed's silky hair and began tracing random patterns across his scalp, avoiding the old scar at the back, and the terrifying marks on his neck.

They'd done this before—slept squashed into one bunk. They had shared a room their first two years at the Academy and some nights, they'd fallen asleep together, Felix with a comic book holo coloring the hazy air over the bed, Zed with his music weaver buzzing and whining. Zed had always been bigger and Felix had liked sleeping curled into his friend's side. He'd missed his family that first year, and by the second he simply enjoyed the closeness.

Fingers sifting through Zed's dark hair, Felix let his mind wander back to those days, to when life had been so simple and he had been comparatively innocent. Sleepily, he passed those memories to Zed, tracing them across his head.